Tricking Husband/Partner into Pregnancy

[deleted account] ( 43 moms have responded )

This post from the main CoM board just rubs me the wrong way. A woman already has 2 children and wants more. Her husband absolutley wants no more and, well, you can follow the replies. One women suggested she get her husband drunk, no birth control, and then say it was an accidental pregnancy.

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Do you think there is ever a justifiable reason to trick your partner into a pregnancy if he is simply not on board with wanting more kids?

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Joanna - posted on 05/31/2010

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I'll put my story out there. When I was 22 I had a cancer scare, and it got my biological clock ticking, wondering what would happen if I couldn't have kids down the road. I was with my now husband, but we'd only been dating for about a year and a half. At the time I was at a point where I could take him or leave him, but I just felt the need to have a child. I decided to go for it - if he didn't want the responsibility of the child, I had no problem being on my own and not asking for child support. So I decided to stop taking my birth control without telling him. Well, about 4-5 days later I decided, what the hell am I thinking, I'm not ready, and it's not fair to him, so I went back on the pill. Well, guess who got pregnant anyway in that timespan? yup, that's right. And my guy was not too thrilled, I almost got an abortion, but I couldn't do it, and eventually he came around and was very excited. Well, 2 1/2 years later, we're married, and that "mistake" is the love of our lives, and we're expecting our second (not mistake, a much more planned baby that husband begged me for!). My husband knows what I did and wasn't happy when he found out, but he is so in love with our daughter and is happy that everything turned out this way.

So it's not quite the extent of getting my husband drunk and tricking him, but I can understand the ticking of a woman's biological clock, and the wanting of a child so badly she'll think about other ways to do so. I don't condone it though and I think it's sad that someone suggested it without feeling bad at all, because I still feel bad about what I did. But I understand.

Sara - posted on 05/31/2010

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In a honest, healthy relationship there is no excuse for that kind of behavior and betrayal. It's not like your husband said "No we can't have a cat", but you go get one anyway and tell him it was a stray...we're talking about a HUMAN BEING and it's wrong to trick your significant other into having a baby when they have made it clear that they don't want one. So to answer your question, there is absolutely no justifiable reason to trick your partner into doing ANYTHING.

Sharon - posted on 05/31/2010

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No. Its never right to trick your husband/partner/bed buddy into a pregnancy. NEVER.

He is entitled to his reasons why he doesn't want another child, just as she is entitled to the reasons why she wants another one.

I told my husband - with you or with out you, I'm having another child, do you want to be the father of it or not?

He understood then, how much I wanted another baby. He also realised his reasons for not wanting another baby were fairly superficial and not fully merited.

Now a days, I'm the one saying "NO MORE BABIES." he's the one still asking, lol. (sort of)

I left a message for her on the thread

This conversation has been closed to further comments

43 Comments

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Erin - posted on 07/01/2010

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I agree. Its totally disrespectful. My husband and i have discussed this many times I want 3 and he wants 2. Ideally we want a boy and a girl. We have our son and we are starting to try for our second child. I said what if its another boy? He said we'll see how we feel after our second. And if nothing goes horribly wrong with that pregnancy we can have a third. I am lucky that he is open to discuss it.

I knew someone that really wanted to get pregnant(just because everyone else she knew was having kids) and her BF didn't. She went off the pill without telling him. They got married before the baby, and within a year they were divorced. Now the grand parents pretty much raise their daughter.

I think that if you care about someone that you should respect their decisions, opinions and feelings. Tricking someone into getting pregnant just shows how much you don't care what that person thinks or feels. And IMO I could never do this to my husband. When we do come to a decision whether 2 or 3 we will both be thankful and happy with what we end up with.

Patricia - posted on 06/23/2010

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If you have to trick your partner into pregnancy, than you really don't have a relationship and chances are, once they find out that they were indeed tricked, your relationship might be over...so why take the chance?

[deleted account]

I think if you are in a marriage, there is an expectation of trust. To deceive your partner like that is horrible. What if she definitely did not want more children and he did that to her? That's no reason to bring kids into the world.

Pamela - posted on 06/21/2010

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Nope, nada, never. Bad idea all around. Having kids needs to be a mutual decision. This is one issue that really should be discussed before permanently committing to the relationship. If one of you wants children and the other doesn't, better to know that on the front end. Then you can decide if you want that particular relationship or if you want kids more.

Cyn - posted on 06/21/2010

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I do not think it is right for ANYONE to ever be tricked into having a child. I don't think though that it is a purely female thing to do either as I have heard of men (usually young men) who want to have children with their partners, putting holes in condoms. Procreation should be something you discuss and come to a mutual decision about. If you want children and he doesn't then there would seem to be a problem and maybe you aren't meant to be together.

Sarah - posted on 06/12/2010

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I would never trick my husband into having another baby.
Before we even had any children, we discussed how many we wanted. We both wanted 4, so no problem there. I was very broody after my 1st, my husband more so. But i waited until we were married to start trying. There is 22 months between them. But now im so unsure about anymore. I had a bad experience giving birth to my youngest and she gave me a 3rd degree tear. So im very tender down below (doesnt help that the hospital stitched me up wrong either) and i am so terrified of the thought of labour again. I sat and cried in his arms because i felt guilty because i feel ive let him down by not wanting anymore children. And he just turned round and said 'i dont want to have any more children if you dont. You've been through alot and i dont want you going through what you did if you dont feel ready' He's so understanding about it all. And he's never brought up the subject of more children unless i have. He's amazing and i could never lie or trick him.
I think women who do that are selfish (except for joanna, i probz woulda done the same) The women that do this need their head testing because theyve got to realise its not just her its affecting

Jacquii - posted on 06/11/2010

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No no no ~ tricking a man in to fathering a child can never be justified!
And nor for that matter can a man tricking a woman into becoming a mother ever be justified and this is just what happened to a friend of mine recently. When the man in question tampered with the condom!!
The decision to have a child should always be a joint decision and one made with all the facts clearly on the table!

[deleted account]

I also learned the hard way not to be deceitful. I casually talk about the 3 previous miscarriages I had while trying to conceive. Once I got pregnant with my son, I required meds for 14 weeks to sustain the pregnancy. But I knew almost instantly after my son was born I had no urge or desire for any more kids. Absolutely no more trying for more kids. In Oct. 2008, I just know my body well enough to suspect the signs of pregnancy-but did nothing to save it. I suspect it was a miscarriage, but never documented a thing-refused to even see a doctor. Hubby knew, I hid nothing. Months later, I learned that he was hurt & felt betrayed by the loss of his potential child. The light bulb went on and I realized how deceitful I was, and yes, possibly felt like I tricked him as well. But it opened the lines of communication even more as a couple on the "what ifs" in the future should there be another scare like that. It allowed us to express our feelings. So yes, I can relate to the shitty feeling it is to hurt the one you love by being deceitful. I still won't have any more kids, nothing has changed my mind about that-but it was a growing experience as a couple.

C. - posted on 06/05/2010

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WOOOOOOOWW.. All I can say. Yeah, sure you could trick the man.. And then when you scuff up and blurt it out one day in anger.. WHOOPS! There goes your marriage.. Yeah, that sounds like a wonderful idea! /sarcasm

Wow, I seriously cannot believe ANYONE would suggest tricking a husband/partner!!! Wow.. The woman that said that really need some kind of help upstairs, if you know what I mean.. What on Earth would posses someone to say that? Talk about a low-blow if the husband ever found out! All the trust and respect he had for his wife would vanish in half an instant!

I don't think it's EVER Ok to do that. Here's my situation.. Hubby and I got pregnant before marriage.. Rush wedding.. Never really had a chance to talk about how many kids we wanted before marriage b/c he was doing Boot Camp and AIT (like college for almost 2 months, for him anyway- sometimes it's longer). Anyway, after we went out to HI to be with my husband, we finally talked about it. He wants 2, 3 at the most. I want 4. We have come to a mutual agreement that we will make that decision when we come to that time in our life. Until then, we're just going to enjoy the one that we have.

It is definitely possible to reach an agreement, if you take the time to talk about it. I think people need to quit being deceitful and slimy and just come out and talk about it. Who knows, maybe OP will be able to convince her hubby to have one more?

Christina Marie - posted on 06/05/2010

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I agree. No way. Bring a child into the world is kind of a HUGE deal! l
Some people are nuts..

Melanie - posted on 06/02/2010

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Lying...What a great foundation for a solid relationship!
That's just wrong.

LaCi - posted on 06/02/2010

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I think it's disrespectful to not take his feelings into consideration. I went through a phase for a while of wanting a second child, my boyfriend didn't (he's the sensible one lol) and I wouldn't have attempted to trick him into it because I care very much about what he wants- and thankfully I do because I no longer want that second child.

It's not as though he's saying he never wants ANY children, he's saying he doesn't want more. And I think that's a totally reasonable way for him to feel. He's not denying her motherhood, he already gave her two!

Tah - posted on 06/02/2010

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ummm...what...who does that???.....@ sara..i have a ex-friend that has pulled that trick every time a man wanted to leave her...she even got her husband who is in the army that way and faked a miscarriage when he was on duty..(barf)....this chick actually had me come to the hosptial with her one day saying she was bleeding and the doctor came in with a look of utter confusion on his face and said "umm maam..did you say you had a positive pregnancy test at some point?, because we have run it 3 times and your labs and we are getting negatives"....Then he looked at me as if i had a answer for him..so i looked at the wall, because i already know she's a liar. he proceeded to say "well, the only thing i can think of is that maybe you were pregnant(he said this so slowly, like reading a smudged q-card) and something happened?"..in question form ok..because the poor guy was confused..lol...so no i am against tricking them and then lying about being pregnant....it's desperate and trashy...and totally unfair to a child to come into a world where he may not recieve the love he deserves and to force someone into a responsibility to keep him or to have your own wishes fulfilled is cowardice..

[deleted account]

Thank you for sharing your story Joanna. I think you probably had this moment of life flashing before your eyes and made a poor decision. You are so fortunate that the situation turned out positive and in your favor. I am sure you often reflect on what you did in order to get pregnant and realize that there were better ways.

Jodi - posted on 05/31/2010

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Are you serious Sara?? Positive tests on ebay.....what the heck will they think of next? That's just SICK!! And that will be a marriage made in heaven......oh boy!!! What are some people thinking????

Sara - posted on 05/31/2010

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You know what's worse, though? Telling a man your pregnant when you aren't to get him to marry you. I had a friend who did that and let's just say, she has some deep psychological issues. I actually heard a while back that woman was selling positive pregnancy tests on ebay just for the purpose of helping women to deceive their significant others! BS!

Caitlin - posted on 05/31/2010

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When I met my husband, he wanted 2 and I wanted 2, it was a match made in heaven, and we had our 2.. I kind of want a third (and by kind of, I mean I really want a third). He isn't so keen on the idea, and I agree 100% with his reasoning (we are both in school still, and 2 kids is hard enough on a minimum wage salary, a third would be nearly impossible, especially is she had eczema and needs expensive creams like our first 2 (and our oldest other medications as well). He has agreed to review te decision if he gets a nice job next year when he is finishing his degree, allowing me to stay home with the kids until they are school aged. This is reasonable to me fo course, I would never trick him into a third, it's INSANE! It would most certainly ruin almost any marriage and I wouldn't risk it. I'm sure that even if I don't get my third, I will be fine in a few years, i'll be perfectly happy with my two girls, because they are both wonderful, but if we have a third that he never wanted, it will affct the realtionship more, because we'd ahve money for a vacation if we hadn't had the third (or a nicer, longer or more exotic vacation). We'd have money for a better car or whatever. If I need to talk to a therapist or someone because I can't have a third, it'll be much cheaper than the costs of having a third and definately much cheaper than a divorce (and much better for the kids..)

Ava - posted on 05/31/2010

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No. There isn't. If you disagree that heavily on children, then I would at least consider separation first. If I felt I wanted another child so badly that I had to trick my husband into it, and he absolutely wanted no more, then it would have to be bad enough for me to be okay with leaving him for it to be honest.

Heidi - posted on 05/31/2010

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I know someone that did just that. Its shameful, dishonest, and down right low. I think if you are your spouse both don't agree to have more children you shouldn't have to trick him. Obviously the marriage is unstable. She is asking for trouble!

Amie - posted on 05/31/2010

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NO. Flat out simple no. No excuse good enough to justify tricking your partner. Especially over something so big as having more children. =S

Rosie - posted on 05/31/2010

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what a bitch! i understand wanting another child, but trickery is lower than low. i wanted 3,i had 1 son before we got married. chad knew i wanted 3, i knew that he wanted 2, but had a lets wait and see attitude about a third. he wanted a son, and that's what we had first. so, he claimed he was done. then, i asked him if vinnie was a girl, would he want to try for a boy, and he said yes. that finally made him understand that i wanted to try for my girl. didn't get her, but i got my beautiful son lucas. couldn't ask for more!

[deleted account]

Yes, I was also relieved to read that the original poster hasd no intention of ever tricking her husband into pregnancy. She seems more level headed than I originally thought and she's just in a rough place in coming to terms with no more babies. For that, I do feel bad for her. The original poster also stated she had no intention of bullying her husband into more kids either. But in a previous post she was mad at her husband for denying her what she wants: more kids. I hope this woman seeks professional guidance to sort her feelings. As for the insane advice of getting her husband drunk and trick him into pregnancy, that is the most shallow & desperate of women who stopp that low. There are underlying psychological issues if any woman needs to trick her partner into pregnancy.

Kate CP - posted on 05/31/2010

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In two words: HELL no. I've known women who did that and they ended up divorced with an absent father. It's horrible to do that to a person. A child is a gift and a forever choice...you can't just trick a person into parenthood.

*Lisa* - posted on 05/31/2010

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I just read that post. She said that she wasn't even considering taking the ladies advice (to trick her husband into getting preggas). Phew! What a relief!

Louise - posted on 05/31/2010

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Absolutely not. If the child is not wanted by both parents what sort of life will it have. It certainly will not have a father figure in it's life because the father will eventually disappear. All men are concerned about bringing life into the world as they worry about different things than us women. How they will pay all the bills and support the family etc. If your man is not 100% with the idea of being a father then no don't trick the guy he will never forgive you and even if you are lucky and he does stay he will resent the fact that you tricked him forever.

Krista - posted on 05/31/2010

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Women like that give all women a bad name. Tricking a partner into a pregnancy is really, really scuzzy.

Shelley - posted on 05/31/2010

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No way! It's the opposite for me we have 2 children 20 months apart and my husband would maybe like another.I don't want any more but have considered talking about it again in 12 months time when my youngest is 2. I would be so hurt if he just got me pregnant.
Having children is a joint decision and and as someone above wrote you may change your mind over time we just need to respect and love our partners not dis-respect and in some ways abuse them.

[deleted account]

OMG Jodi that is awful! I can't imagine how ppl can be so adament about some of this stuff...I understand being adament about having atleast one child, but past that its all about compromise! Once upon a time I wanted 4, then I had 1 and wanted to stop...previous discussions w/my husband I knew he wanted atleast 2. I brought up stopping @ 1 after we had our first, but he wouldn't give...so we had our 2nd. Now I still feel that I am done, but he thinks maybe we should have another. This is not something I am even willing to make a decision on until I finish my bachelors. So its a non-issue at the moment. Here in a couple of years we'll see? I'm not going to butt heads w/him for 3 yrs and get all worked up over crap that could change. Because depending on where we are in 3 yrs HE will have decided that our 2 is just perfect, or maybe I'll decide that he was right and a 3rd seems appropriate? IDK what 3 yrs from now will bring so I don't bring it up, except when I flip him shit when he gets annoyed w/life w/2 children...I like to bring up the fact that he wants 3 then :) I really wanted to have a baby after my nephew was born in 01 and it didn't happen for 5 yrs. I didn't trick my husband into having a baby, 5 yrs of wanting one sucked, but I would NEVER trick him! He would check my b/c and make sure I take it, hell he still does that, but we plan our kids and I'm forgetful...so he's just getting my back on that one :) It offended me in the beginning that he'd seriously think that I would resort to those tacticts...heck I took my b/c better then! HA! I can't imagine ANY time when trickery would be the way to go??? Who the hell am I if I think that I know what is best for my husband then him...you know what I mean, on little stuff maybe ;) but to negate his personal feelings in regards to how many children? That's just f*ed up!!!

Jodi - posted on 05/31/2010

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Oh, believe me, there are women who do things like that. My husband said his ex was one of those. He didn't trust her. When they had their daughter, it wasn't meant to happen, and it did (he'd already said no, not yet, and she dumped her birth control anyway). He never really trusted her again......need I say more. But no, he never resented his daughter. But his ex moved on very quickly and had 3 more kids, even though they could never afford it, and her current husband spends half his life in the shed......because apparently he didn't want that many either.

Lisamarie - posted on 05/31/2010

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When my hubby and I first got together we discussed how many children we wanted, he wanted 2, I wanted 4 so we compromised on 3. Now we have 2 children and my hubby has decided he doesn't want anymore and will only have one if I was going to leave him over it. I am at a loss as to what to do but tricking him into getting pregnant is not even an option. I would never have a child that my husband didn't want. Both our children were planned and the thought of my husband resenting me or worse, our child horrifies me and I cannot see how any parent could do that.

Charlie - posted on 05/31/2010

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Apparently she already knew before they were married that he only ever wanted two children .

Suzette - posted on 05/31/2010

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I agree, there is NO justification for trickery or deceit of any kind from either partner. It's something you both agree on or you just don't do it. Counseling is best in one of these situations and if you go into a marriage knowing that one partner only wants 2 and you want more, then you know what you're getting into. You must have trust, as Loureen said, and if you trick the other person you have a basis for divorce and you have NO respect for that person. What a load of crap that woman stated.

Charlie - posted on 05/30/2010

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There is no justification for tricking anyone into pregnancy , this isnt just about their feelings its another persons decision too about bringing a whole new life into this world , the most important decision for anyone make , i can understand an accident , a real accident but where is the trust if you have to trick your husband , its shows a compete lack of respect .

Johnny - posted on 05/30/2010

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That's terrible. Really. That's cruel to the husband, the other children, and the child yet to be. I can not think of a justifiable reason to trick anyone into a pregnancy for any reason. There are lots of "oops" and mistakes but to lie to a spouse and conceive in secret IMO is almost as bad as cheating. Actually, it could really have worse consequences.

Katherine - posted on 05/30/2010

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Yes, I saw that and no it's completely deceitful. It's almost as bad as cheating IMO.

Jodi - posted on 05/30/2010

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Absolutely not. I saw that post too, and was horrified. I think doing something like that to your husband/partner becomes about the whole issue of trust within your relationship.

*Lisa* - posted on 05/30/2010

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No. I think that if you are in a relationship or married, he has a right to say that he is satisfied with 2 children. If she goes ahead and basically forces herself to get pregnant, he has the right to be reeeallllyyy ticked off. It would be heaps selfish of her to do that against his wishes. Maybe in the future he will want more.

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