TRUST in your relationship

Charlie - posted on 07/17/2009

oh Joy i am so sorry that is HORRIBLE !!

But yes i guess each situation and relationship is different.

Francesca - posted on 07/17/2009

well for me i dont really like the thought of mark having female friends i am a little jealous at times (and so is mark). mark is a taxi man at night. picks up all the piss heads!!!lol and pretty girls. a girl he has taken home a few times has txt him at night asking what is he doing and she was then going to bed with a smily face at the end of the message. now to me that is wrong and it annoyed me so much. and still this girl txts dirty/funny messages to him and always when he's not home.i think its ok to be friends but once one person over steps the mark thats it you can no longer be friends/mates with that person.

my situation is different then the rest of you girlies.

Jenny - posted on 07/17/2009

That's really terrible Joy. It sucks that women can be so self concious about thier relationship. For me it depends on the situation. I've been wtih my partenr for almost 10 years. I have only cut one woman out of my man's life and it was shortly after we got together. He had slept with her a few weeks before we met and she wanted him bad and was always contacting him to "visit". One day I lost it and ripped the page out of his phone book with her number on it and deleted it from his cell phone. He agreed to cut contact but I didn't feel good about the situation and will try to never react that way again.

My partner doesn't have any friends that are girls and all of our friends are either couples or single guys. I go out with the guys from time to time while he stay home with the kids and it's not a big deal. I've always gotten along better with guys over gals and he understand I'm a bit of a tomboy. There's just not alot of girls out there who like 4x4ing, dirtbikes, politics and heavy metal lol.

Joy - posted on 07/17/2009

This is a touchy subject for me so, before reading any of the other posts, here's mine. Get comfy, it's probably gonna be a long one...but then again, are ANY of my posts short??? LOL





My ex husband and I have known each other since I was 15 and he was 16. That's over 20 years...23 to be exact. I guess you could say we were each other's first loves. We were on and off until I was 23, when we reunited again and got married like we had always said we would. Long story short, we had a good marriage in many ways and a not so good one in other ways. I figured out early on that I had made a mistake by marrying him but he loved me so much and I did love him too, that I stayed and tried and tried and tried to make it work. In the end though, after 8 years, we both agreed that we needed to end the marriage in order to preserve the friendship. We had never had any problems in the friendship department. He was always my best friend, and I his. We always had good communication skills....just not when it came to the intimate stuff on my end. I got to feeling like I was kissing my brother, if you know what I mean. Anyhow, our divorce was probably one of the most civil ever. We did our own divorce, with no lawyers (no children and no property made this easier). We divided our belongings by making 3 lists. Things I wanted, things he wanted and things we both wanted. The things we both wanted, we either flipped a coin (2 out of 3 won the item) or we played "high card-low card". Sounds crazy but one of my favorite memories of he and I is us sitting on our living room floor with piles of cd's and dvd's everywhere, flipping a quarter for who got what and both of us laughing our asses off. When I met Steve, he knew right from the start who John was and that he was my friend and part of the package. He accepted it, and he and John actually became friends and used to hang out. We remained friends, in each other's lives up until March of this year. Everyone we knew thought it was so "wierd". We three, myself, Steve and John, were the only ones who got it. If I needed help with a recipe I would call John (he's an amazing chef). If he needed help figuring out something on his computer, he'd call me. We even had a custody arrangement with our cats, for crying out loud lol! Then he met the woman he is with now. No one, and I mean NO ONE was happier for him than I was. All I ever wanted was for him to be happy and she did that for him. I went out of my way to be her friend, or to at least show her that I was no threat to their relationship. To no avail. She called me one night (2 weeks before my wedding, mind you) and informed me that John and I were from that moment on, FORBIDDEN to be in each other's lives. She said that it wasn't anything I did, or he did....it was just that she couldn't accept it. I tried my hardest, and I'll admit to begging her "Please, what can I do to help you accept it?" but she was adamant that we end our friendship. So the next day, John called me and we both cried and said our good byes. We both said that we would always be friends no matter what...yada yada yada. But part of being friends is the day to day, or the week to week. Talking, sharing a part of your life with someone. Like I talk to my best friend every day. If I only talked to her once a year, she wouldn't be my best friend. If that makes sense. So John and I haven't spoken in over 3 months. I wish him nothing but the best, but for me, it was all or nothing. I removed him from my myspace, my facebook, my phone and my email. Not only is he removed from these things, he is blocked. I wanted to make sure it was clear that I wasn't going to allow her to "allow" him in my life and out of my life and back and forth like she was for the entire last year and a half since they met. She flip flopped several times, the last was just the final straw for me.





So...do I think it's ok to have friends of the opposite sex when married? Definitely. I don't have a problem at all with Steve being friends with a few girls that he has known since elementary school. I've met them and they are lovely people that I am happy he has had in his life for so long. I don't feel threatened one bit, and if you ask Steve, he didn't feel threatened by my ex either. He knew where my heart was, and he knew where I laid my head down every night, and he knew that John was my ex for a reason. I only wish the new girlfriend (and the rest of our friends) could have understood that. Now, instead, I miss my friend. I live in a small town and his new girlfriend has just moved here to live with him and I dread running into them. If I ever do run into them I'll probably just walk away. It just sucks because when we split up, we agreed that we didn't want to have that awkwardness that some of our other divorced friends had. We wanted to be able to see each other in the produce section at the grocery store and be able to say hello and how are you and chat for a minute.





And I agree with you Loureen, that being in a relationship doesn't mean you have the right to "ALLOW" your partner to do anything. Allow is what you do with your children.

ME - posted on 07/17/2009

My best friend, before I met my husband, was a man. We tried dating (because we thought it was a sure thing), but it didn't work out...we made better friends than anything else....and 6 weeks was all it took. I'm glad that we stayed friends, and while we don't see each other or talk as much as we used to, I am very happy that he and my husband get along...I would have been very sorry to lose his friendship. My husband had a far more outrageous dating history than I did, and despite the fact that I trust him completely, I know that he has never really "just been friends with" a woman. I would prefer that he not have any relationships with women that I'm not welcome to participate in...

JL - posted on 07/17/2009

I don't see an issue with being freinds with some one of the opposite sex and neither does my husband. We both have male and female freinds. My husband has a really good female friend who is married and is also his co worker. We all call her is work wife because she keeps him in line when he starts acting stupid...haha! I am in no way bothered my this and he is not bothered by the fact that I have male friends. I trust him and I trust the people we are friends with. It would be different though if there was no trust and if we were insecure with ourselves or our relationship or had past issues with wondering eyes and if that is the case with someone then I do think it is best that they do not have freinds of the opposite sex until they get past thier issues.

Sara - posted on 07/17/2009

I have very good male friends that I've had since high school. I will admit that it was hard for my husband to accept at first when we were dating because he had been cheated on by a former girlfriend. But, those were his issues. My male friends (and I'm only talking about 2 guys here, both of whom are married) I've known forever. I put it to him like this: If I wanted to date them/sleep with them, it would have happened already! Geez. Anyway, we worked it out and he realized he was being stupid. I think it's totally appropriate to be friends with people of the opposite sex IMO.

Mary - posted on 07/17/2009

Well, I have 2 male friends that I've known since high school that I am still close with today. One of them is actually my HS boyfriend. John has never had a problem with this, and here's why...there is nothing SECRETIVE about my friendships with them. John has met them, tlaked to them on the phone when they've called, and we've all gone out together (one is married, the other still single). I think if I suddenly began sneaking off to meet them, or spent an exhorbitant amount of time cahtting with one of them, he might get a little concerned, and rightfully so. As it sands, there is no trust issue, since I don't hide anything from him, period.

Sarah - posted on 07/17/2009

Well, without going into all the gory details....before we were married, my husband and i have quite a few *ahem* trust issues.
I think if things have actually happened between people (ie. cheating) then that person is then a 'no go area' so to speak.

I have lots of friends who are boys (sorry, men! lol!) and i'm also quite a 'flirty' person. (tho not so much now!). My husband doesn't really have many female friends, but he is a DJ and he does get young 'ladies' trying it on with him quite a lot (well he used to!)

After many years of us getting jealous and things, we've kinda got the hang of it now. We trust each other completely despite all the things that have gone on (and there's been quite a lot over the 10 years!!)
I wouldn't be jealous if he sat and chatted to a girl for ages, because i know he would just be being polite (he's very anti-social! lol!). Also, he wouldn't be bothered if i was chatting to some guy, because he knows i'm outgoing and chatty and there's nothing in it.

It's taken a long time for us to trust each other, but now we do, there's not a single situation i wouldn't trust him in and (hopefully) vise versa. I do think tho that getting married has made me stop and think more than i used to about chatting to blokes and stuff.... :)

Charlie - posted on 07/16/2009

I get what you mean , and i understand your point of view . i didnt at all mean anyone who is of the opinion ( mentioned above ) dosent " allow " or give freedom to their partners , it was just an example of one person , obviously not all people view being married as ownership of their partners ,i wholeheartedly think it is a union of souls . i think the matter at hand ( original post ) was she didnt want him talking to women from his past when , another women mentioned she dropped all her friends from her past when she got married because she didnt think it was right , i was just interested , personally we dont actively go out and find friends of the opposite sex nor do we have personal ( our own )friends at all ,guys or girls , all our friends are one in the same . for instance my guy friends i introduced to my partner , they are now his best friends . his friends that are girls are now my best friends , he is even friends with my ex , they often forget im even in the room and jam on their guitars ! lol .

Having said that i wouldnt like it if he had a personal friend , a girl , who was not a part of our circle , i am more than happy for new people to come into that circle and make friends with both of us but not a private friend ( if that makes sense ) lol .
all of our good friends in our circle we are more than comfortable with having them around to hang out watch dvds or whatever , without it being weird , but they are such good friends they are like brothers and sisters .

God i write too much haha , so in conclusion friends in the circle male or female complete comfort , new friends of the opposite sex or personal ( meaning a friend not shared ) of the opposite sex , i suppose i wouldnt be so comfortable with them hanging around without me .

sorry if that totally confused you . thank you for your response Traci :)

Traci - posted on 07/16/2009

I really disagree. I think it's okay to be friends with couples, but I think it would be an AWFUL idea for me to have a friend that was a guy. But, that also depends on what you mean by a friend. I mean, say, a coworker you are friendly with at work is acceptable, but keep it at work. I wouldn't think it would be a good idea to call him up during the day just to B.S.



It's not out of jealousy, it's out of respect for your partner. I completely trust my husband, he'd be out a whole family if he ever screwed up that way, but I wouldn't like him to have a female friend. I don't look at it as "allowing" it either. But when you are married, you are one. Well, you're supposed to be anyway...



I just think it's important to never put yourself in a situation where something undesirable should happen.



Maybe I just have a different perspective, though. My husband and I got married young, we were barely 19, so it's not like we came into the relationship with opposite sex friends. It's not like we had seperate lives and had a bunch of friends, got married, and were then expected to drop friends. Maybe I'd feel differently if that were my situation, but since it's not, my husband doesn't need to go finding any female friends. JMO:)