Wedding Gifts

?? - posted on 08/23/2010 ( 58 moms have responded )

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There's a guy who works with my partner, and he's a total asshole. He's getting married in September and they're registered at 5 very expensive (I mean the cheapest gift is over $150) stores. The only reason we're going to the wedding is because if we don't, my partner will be the only guy from work (it's a small company) that didn't go. We tried using the "we don't have a babysitter" excuse - they told us to bring the kid. We tried explaining that a toddler running down the aisle to steal the flower girls basket of petals wouldn't be the most pleasant thing to remember on their wedding day - they told us it'd be funny. So we finally agreed to go and we got a babysitter. So now... I'm thinking... what the hell do we get this jerk off and his innocent bride as a present cause there is no way in hell I'm paying $150 for a gift for this idiot. I told my man we should just give him a gift certificate to the building store and her a gift certificate for ebay that equals $100. He said that's tacky. I say I don't give a rats ass, cause I don't even like the guy and his wife is no one to me - if it were really up to me, I wouldn't give em anything.

What do you think... are gifts at a wedding optional? Do they have to be from the registry? Do you get a jerk off a nice present cause it's his wedding day? Or do you just show up, eat their food, drink their drinks, dance to the music and say congrats?

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Aliska - posted on 08/24/2010

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If you feel that resentful about having to buy a gift then you really shouldn't be going to the wedding. Ideally you should be pleased to be invited and happy to buy a gift. Otherwise it's totally dishonest.

Having said that I know many people invite everyone they know, whether they care about them or not, just to get the presents which is just as distasteful and dishonest.

Etiquette states that the present should cover the cost of the meal.

As you've been invited because your husband is a work mate, couldn't all the people from work chip in and buy a combined present? A combined present will look impressive but often each couple's share is less than if they all bought their own presents.

Lindsay - posted on 08/24/2010

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Personally, if you can't find something on the registry within budget, I would get them a gift card to one of the stores they are registered at in the amount that you plan on spending. And as far as taking bad pictures if they have the cameras out on the tables...that's a little tacky. Sorry, but it is. If they are going to have to pay to have them developed, respect them enough to take decent pictures or leave them for someone else.

[deleted account]

On the same thought as the nice fluffy towels...why not buy two towels and have them monogrammed with the couples initials? Then you'll give the appearance of having spent time and effort on the gift, even if you didn't spend a lot.

Johnny - posted on 08/25/2010

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As far as I understand it, proper etiquette actually requires the couple getting married to choose a wide variety of priced items from the gift registry so that everyone may be able to buy a gift that fits into their budget. Virtually everyone I know registers and at least 90% of people I know always purchase from the registry. It may not always be household items, there are vacation registries etc. Some of our friends had a registry where you could buy them time on a sailboat. It was very cool. They love to sail but can't really afford it. It was nice because you knew that they would receive great enjoyment out of that gift. I personally like to give a gift I know someone would want, as opposed the the gift that I like or that I think is cool or personally exemplifies who I am. When my husband and I did our registry, we did it mostly with cookware because we love to cook. The cheapest items were around $2 and there was lots to choose from. The most expensive thing was $200 each crystal goblets. We registered for them as a joke and shockingly received a set of 6. They're still in the box, but one day....

[deleted account]

I agree with my cheapo friends here! I spend between $50-$100 on CLOSE family and friends that are practically family. Most of the time the gift I get is what they registered for, but found at a different store on sale or with a coupon! Yes, I cheat. For distant relatives and people I don't know well, I'll spend maybe $20. I'm not willing to jeopardize my family's budget over a gift.

And like I suggested before, I like to give monogrammed gifts. You can buy the cheapest towel and spend $8 on a monogram and it looks like a million! I do the same with baby gifts...buy a cheap white onsie and have it monogrammed. It's always a hit.

When I was a poor newly wed and still in college I did the same thing for all people I knew getting married. I hand wrote all my recipes on recipe cards and organized them in a box. I would include a cheap cookbook if I could find one. That gift always seemed to be appreciated.

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April - posted on 08/26/2010

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i liked getting the cash instead of stuff our registery because we didn't move right away. and by the time we finally got a house...our taste had changed and we didn't like anything we picked out!! lol!!

ok and now to answer your question.....he is not a good friend and not a family member, so you are not obligated to give him more than 50 dollars.

i do think wedding couples deserve a little compensation though...after all, they have paid for your dinner and they've provided you with entertainment, usually open bar and a small gift.

and 20 dollars is a little cheap if you're attending a wedding for your former bridesmaid who travelled across the country, paid for a night's stay in a hotel, bought your ugly bridesmaid gown, gave you 100 in cash AND gave you 2 wedding gifts!! (true story! i gave her 200 even though she spent waaaaaaaaay more than that to attend my wedding. but hey...she makes 80,000 a year and i am a stay at home mom!)

[deleted account]

When we married (33 years ago!) we said not to bring gifts, just donate to charity instead. We got a few gifts, but not many, and we certainly didn't follow up the donations bit! Our weedding was more about us celebrating with our friends, not "stuff!:

My daughter did the same (and they certainly could have done with "stuff") but it was more about them and their friends.

[deleted account]

You're welcome Jo! I think most people bought them something off their department store registry along with donating to charity. People that are close to you still want to get you something nice, so expect a few gifts even if you specifically direct them to donate to charity.

[deleted account]

you know what, like someone else said the registries are a suggestion technically.. my husbands cousin s registry was rediculous as well.. we gave them 50 in a card..plus at the time flow of money was not great.. they were lucky we gave anything lol... i kept thinking wait till they have kids and all the expensive shit breaks

?? - posted on 08/25/2010

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Sara, I've saved that link. If I ever get married - haha - that is exactly what I am going to do! I didn't know there was actually a site for it. I always told Devon that for my birthdays, christmas' whatever occassions and ur wedding I don't want presents for me/us - I want donations to charities! Thank you for showing me that there's a site for it, that's so helpful!

Hannah - posted on 08/25/2010

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For a friends wedding I got them $50 gift they had registered for, for the bridal shower.For the actual wedding, I got this beautiful frame from this store at the mall that had their names and the wedding date monogramed in. I usually always get a beautiful frame for weddings. The store is called "Things Remembered", if I remember correctly.

Rosie - posted on 08/25/2010

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that is a great way to put it carol, they should've used proper etiquette as well. it's ridiculous to not put cheaper items on a wedding registry. how can they expect anybody let alone almost strangers spend $150 on them? how rude is that?
etiquette can kiss my ass, my budget determines what people get. and sara is totally right, i received a set of monogramed towels and it was pretty neat.

[deleted account]

The BEST registry idea I've ever seen was when my friend did part of her registry with I Do Foundation. She still registered at a department store. But the I Do Foundation allows your wedding guests to give any amount they wish to your favorite charities. Very cool. And very meaningful to them as well.

http://www.idofoundation.org/

[deleted account]

I don't like wedding gift registries. I can sort of see the point (so they don't get 3 toasters!) but I always find it a hassle to buy stuff from registries because they usually cost too much.I use it as a guide. I'm not too keen on cash or vouchers because i don't feel comfortable with people knowing how much I spent on them, specially if you don't knoiw them well!

My daughter's closest friend eloped, then threw a big party for their friends!

Stifler's - posted on 08/24/2010

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We went to someone's engagement party a few years ago... didn't really know them except for work and after shift change drinks (they just invited everyone from work too) and we gave them $50 in a card because we didn't know what they liked. now they are our best friends and she was at the birth of my son and she is going to be my bridesmaid i feel i should buy them a make up gift hahaha.

Amie - posted on 08/24/2010

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Inviting the same people to the engagement party and the wedding is not a big deal. Most engagement parties are held a year in advance of the wedding [unless it's a shot gun one] in my experience.

Wedding showers are also not hosted by the bride. It's her family and close friends that throw one, so if it's someone close then chances are you'll be invited. If you're not close and invited, I wouldn't go. I have no interest in playing games of "who knows the bride best" when I don't know her. Shower gifts are generally a lot cheaper too.

Ok here, for my cousins shower I spent $40, for her wedding gift we spent $200.

For another cousin, there was no shower but her gift was $150.

For my SIL, her shower gift was expensive but there were 4 of us (bridesmaids) paying for it. $50 each. Her wedding gift we spent $150 on.

Friends, My closest friend in this world we spent close to $400 on.

Another friend we spent $100.

If a person is not a family or friend (to me or my husband) I really would not go to the shower, party or wedding.

What I hated the most about my wedding (and a huge reason we paid for our own) was the in laws butting in on the guest list. They figured they were paying for the wedding so they should have a say. That got quickly sorted out when I told them we were incurring all the costs and needed nothing from them, so NO we weren't inviting people for them, it's OUR wedding.

Ugh... sorry, that turned into a rant. =S

Aliska - posted on 08/24/2010

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For a couple I didn't know well I'd get a voucher for a department store or similar.

I wouldn't feel obliged to use a gift registry or may use it to get ideas of what the couple like and choose something else. To have a registry where there is only expensive items when you are inviting people you don't know well is just plain rude. It wouldn't leave me with a good impression of the couple.

Even though the etiquette seems to be that the gift should equal the cost of the meal, it only seems to be very loosely followed. Obviously some people simply can't afford that and often something thoughtful is better received than something expensive.

Personally I think you should always bring a gift to a wedding no matter how modest and that it should be something for the couple not just for one person.

I also think that couples should think through their plans and not be too greedy either, inviting the same people to an engagement party, wedding shower and wedding over a short period of time can be a bit too greedy if a gift is expected at each.

How about a nice box of chocolates for them to enjoy on their honey moon with a gift voucher for a shop slipped inside, something for now and something for later.

Jocelyn - posted on 08/24/2010

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Glad I could help! A mutual friend of mine and Jordan did the picture frame/memory card for us for our wedding and it was fantastic; there were some wonderful candid moments captured ^_^ He didn't put the memory card into the (actual paper) card until the very end of the night, so he got pictures of the whole day, and some video clips.

Stifler's - posted on 08/24/2010

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I don't get people stuff off their gift registry, I get them what I want. That is a relatively new thing in Australia anyway.

?? - posted on 08/24/2010

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Thanks Sara ♥

The only wedding shower I went too was the millionaire's daughters wedding shower and it was more of an engagement party and I didn't bring a gift because I was 17 at the time... I went with my ex and his family and they got the couple some crystal stemware along with $$$ so I think it covered both the engagement present and wedding present.

[deleted account]

While everyone is talking about what they'd do vs. what's etiquette, etc. I have a question. If you are invited to a wedding shower, do you bring a gift to both the shower and the wedding?

By the way, Jo, I'm glad you're back!

?? - posted on 08/24/2010

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I agree with you Aliska, ideally I would be pleased to be invited, I've also been invited to 4 other weddings in the next 2 months and I am so excited about being there and getting them gifts. But like I said, we weren't invited cause we're friends, we were invited because my man is a co-worker. So I'm not exactly resentful to have to buy a gift, resentful isn't the right word. If it were up to me, we wouldn't be going to the wedding and hence we wouldn't be buying a gift.

Since we are going and we want to get them a gift to wish them well - like I said too, I don't like the guy but his bride has had nothing but good things said about her, I just don't care enough to put any effort into it.

I didn't mean for this thread to be personal about the specific wedding I'm going too or my feelings towards the couple - I meant it as a "what would you do?" kind of scenario... are gifts mandatory is there really a set price for different sorts of relationships towards the couple etc etc etc... I probably should have worded it differently than to use my own present experience as a question in the post but oh well, shit happens.

I have no idea what the meal cost is. I've been to a few weddings and each one has been VERY different than the next. The first wedding I ever went to was for a millionaire's daughter - needless to say the cost of the 6 course meal wasn't exactly affordable to the average family. The second wedding was on the beach with home made potluck buffet style dinner, each of the grandmothers of the wedding party offered to cook dinner, so the cost of that really wasn't measurable. The third wedding I went too was a family wedding and it was a barn dance style wedding. The meal was 100% home grown. So for this wedding, I have no clue what the cost of the meal will be. Could be $50, could be $10, could be $150! I don't know the people... so I'm not really too sure how that would be a good base to judge the amount of the gift off of.

As for everyone chipping in, 2 of the guys are going in for a table saw for the guy with his brother. They already have the cost covered and done with. Like I said, the company is small but no one is really close. When they planned that it was a random day where my man wasn't working the same job as they were and they just decided to go ahead and do it. The boss, his wife, his sister, the daughter and her boyfriend and are all going in on a present for them - because they're family. The painter and his family have their present. So the only 2 that are left are my man and the other carpenter. And they work together maybe once a month... and they don't talk outside of work, ever cause that douche is an alcoholic. So no... chipping in together doesn't work. We're left to figure out a gift on our own lol which I would prefer anyways



ANYWAYS ! Back to what I was originally asking........ is there a protocol that YOU follow for this crap or do ya just go with what ya go with?

[deleted account]

"Etiquette states that the present should cover the cost of the meal."

I don't know that I've ever been to a wedding that cost more than $20 a head, so I'm safe with my cheap-o gifts!

Tracie - posted on 08/24/2010

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give him tupperware $20 max- make it a large looking bowl so the gift 'looks' impressive, also make it look heavier than it is as you carry it! just get it - you dont have to get the things on the registry- thats just their 'wish list'. What jerks not listing 'cheaper items' for the more financially strapped! I hope your little darling starts up a major tantrum, just before the vows! (don't remove the child to swiftly...) lol

Jocelyn - posted on 08/24/2010

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Ooo! A digital frame and the memory card with all the pictures you take on it!

?? - posted on 08/24/2010

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Yea I'm a bitch and don't like the guy but I highly doubt it'll be him caring about the pictures... just his woman and I dunno her so I won't ruin HER wedding day and memories... but I will add mine to hers with the pictures I do take. And anyone who knows me, knows I take a lot of pictures and take very nice pictures too, so amongst the back cleavage and armflab wing pictures there will be lots of those candid moments that they won't even realize are being captured. Since they'll be expecting the paid photographer to be taking the pics, not the chick that no one will know.

Jessica - posted on 08/24/2010

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Oh well if they're all on your camera... by all means, have at it! That would be kinda fun actually lol.

?? - posted on 08/24/2010

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The pictures will be on my camera, not theirs :) hence the IOU of the pictures developed from my camera. Besides Lindsay, you know the amount of pictures I take... if I were to give them all the pictures I will be taking, it might as well be my gift to them to have them developed since the cost of photography these days is more than a freakin washer & dryer set.

Jessica - posted on 08/24/2010

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I like the $100 in 5 dollar bills idea :) You could even throw in some ones hehe. Hey, its still a lot of money! We just got married 3 months ago and I can definitely tell you that there were plenty of people that didn't spend anywhere near that much on a gift or cash. I didn't care though. Only thing I was irritated at was that a couple good friends from college didn't give us anything. Nothing. I don't care about the lack of a present or money though, its only because they are actually friends of ours.

As for pictures... I agree maybe not to make EVERY single one a "bad" picture... but I'd throw in some classics here and there. In the background of one of our pictures that my aunt happened to take, there is a girl (don't know her, distant cousin on DH's side) in a short dress picking out a wedgie :)

Rosie - posted on 08/24/2010

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i don't either teresa!! i didn't expect gifts at my wedding, and when it was just $10 stuffed into a card, i was still thankful that they bothered with anything to help us out.
i guess i don't see what the point of spending more money on people than you can afford, or want to give.
is he really that worried that people would talk at work? seems like a silly reason to spend more than you are comfortable with.

[deleted account]

I don't get this whole wedding 'ettiquette' thing. Don't couples invite people to their wedding to share their special day... NOT for what they might get out of them? Maybe it's just cuz I'm 'cheap' at heart and wouldn't spend money on just STUFF even if I had it to spend (yeah, notice the lottery post... the only thing I'd buy for myself is a house).

I'm going to my stepsister's wedding in October and they'll be lucky if I can afford a card. They don't even HAVE a gift registry though. My ex and I did one... for stuff from Walmart cuz we had NOTHING for our household. ;)

Krista - posted on 08/24/2010

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Actually, I rather like Tracey's idea. If the bride is a nice person, give a donation to a cause that SHE supports. Oftentimes, the note that the charity sends to the couple will not mention the amount. Plus, it'll make her happy AND it'll piss him off. Win-win!

Jocelyn - posted on 08/24/2010

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I would either give cash (I love getting cash) a gift card, or something small that they could use, ie a photo album with a gift card for developing/printing photos.
$150 is too much for one gift imo, especially since it's just a work friend.

Tracey - posted on 08/24/2010

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How about buying them a toilet for a family in a third world country?
Several charities do present lists.

?? - posted on 08/23/2010

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I absolutely plan on it Becky, if nothing else, the dude and his woman are going to be getting an envelope of pictures they will want to burn, after laughing hysterically at them...... only to remember that I'll still have the digital copy MUAHAHAHAHA

Becky - posted on 08/23/2010

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I agree with cash. I don't think you have to give any particular amount. People should not expect a wedding gift period, and especially should not expect people to spend a particular amount on them. IMO, that is what is tacky, not giving an inexpensive gift. You invite people to your wedding because you want them to celebrate with you, not because you want them to get you a gift. We knew that some of the people who came to our wedding could not afford an expensive gift, or any gift at all, and everyone got a thank you for attending, even those who only gave us a card.
You should share some of the back fat pictures you take! :)

Charlie - posted on 08/23/2010

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I love cash then i can spend it on things my mother wouldn't approve of like tattoos and loud music HAHA.

Stifler's - posted on 08/23/2010

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hahaha nah it's not that bad other people like getting money so i give them money but i like surprises... money's boring. yeh who cares if they think you're rude if you don't like them anyway! just take something that cost not much. Stuff giving them $100 if you don't know/like them.

?? - posted on 08/23/2010

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When it comes to this guy, I'm really not caring if he or anyone he cares about thinks that it's thoughtless. The only reason we're invited is cause he invited everyone from work. There's the boss, his wife, their daughter, the bosses sister, the painter, the painters apprentice, 3 carpenters, and the bosses daughters boyfriend that work at this place. So everyone was invited, more out of a 'if I invite one then I have to invite them all or there will be shit to pay at work' mentality. Not cause he actually gives a shit that we're there. So being thoughtful isn't exactly something I'm going to worry about.



Dev says we're gonna put $100 in 5$ bills into the card envelope and if he or his wife have a problem with it they can give it back cause we could use it if they're gonna bitch about it.



And he said we can put an IOU for the pictures I'm gonna take with my camera, developed for them after their wedding is over.



I do like the monogrammed towels idea though Sara, I might do that for another wedding I have coming up where I actually care about the couple, thanks for the idea!

Jodi - posted on 08/23/2010

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I rarely buy from a registry. I like that saying Sharon, "feel free to buy something from the heart". That's what I do. I actually hate gift registries to be honest. I didn't do one for my wedding.

Money is always acceptable, or gift vouchers for homewares or hardware stores?

And I have learned, you can NEVER have too many nice fluffy towels!!

Charlie - posted on 08/23/2010

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Registry are only a suggestion id go with money in card , you dont know them or like them so you really dont have to feel obliged .

If it was family or a good friend i would definitely spend about 100 bucks at least .

Nikki - posted on 08/23/2010

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I have been to alot of weddings and I mean alot and etiquette is if you give cash is to cover your plate which is typically unfortunately around 100 $ for family and friends, its a bit more. Unfortunately this is etiquette and I have found from most of my married friends that anything under is tacky and is commented upon after. Now a gift on the other hand can be very misleading, for instance you can find something on sale or something that looks nice and they will have no idea what you spent.

Rosie - posted on 08/23/2010

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fuck em!! i NEVER EVER EVER spend more than $20 bucks on a couple. if it is someone i am really close too, like my bff or sister or brother or something, i'll go $50, but other than that they can kiss my ass. i have waaaaaay better things to do than worry about what some asshat who i barely know thinks about our GIFT to HIM. he'll get over it.

as for the gift part, i give money everytime. i loved watching the bills flow out of the cards!! nobody can hate money!

Joanna - posted on 08/23/2010

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Buy them whatever you'd like but include a gift receipt, or some cash in a card. No one should be expected to spend that much on a gift, and I think it's rude of them not to think about that, so they should just take what they get.

Hell, I had things like hand towels and toothbrush holders on my registry, because I knew my friends couldn't afford much but were the type to insist on getting a gift. And I was grateful for every thing we got... hopefully this guy can be the same.

Stifler's - posted on 08/23/2010

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Who cares about gift registries... buy something else from wherever you want. Since when is it acceptable telling people what you can and can't buy them as a wedding gift! I find it very rude and ridiculous. I think buying a gift is a good idea though, I wouldn't show up to someone's wedding without one.

Amie - posted on 08/23/2010

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Cash is acceptable and well received by the couple. Most people end up doing that anyway when they don't know what to buy or can't be bothered to go through registry's.

I'd say $50 in a card would be sufficient. He's not family, he's barely (if at all) a friend, cash would be my choice.

?? - posted on 08/23/2010

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I told Dev he's gonna get a ton of slack from the guy cause I plan on making sure everyone looks the most HORRIBLE possible way when I snap those pictures. AND I promised him I'll be taking extra's with MY camera so that I can post them online for everyone to see - obviously I'll play the innocent card and compliment each of them. I really don't like this guy, he's such a douche.

Apparently his soon to be wife is one of the sweetest ladies though... not too sure what she sees in him - unless his not too bad looks are equal to whatever is in his pants... I'd be willing to forgive the idiocy if the guy can make up for it.. if ya'no'wha'a'mean ;)

Sharon - posted on 08/23/2010

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I'M DYING!! LMAO arm flab and back cleavage is gonna be awesome!!! um any chance you'll be shooting awkward crotch bulges?

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