What makes a woman a mother?

Shelley - posted on 04/08/2012 ( 43 moms have responded )

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Someone else raised this.

You all know why i'm asking.

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Alahnna - posted on 04/10/2012

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Payola:



The benefit to my son to have contact with his biological father? Lots of benefits. He knows who his dad IS, where he came from. He knws that once, his mom and dad loved each other very much and out of that love, he was created. He talks to his dad a few minutes once a week and yeah, he's young and loses interest fast, but it's someone he knows is there for him and cares for him. He won't question who his father is when he's older because he will know it was the guy who played games with me on the computer, drew pictures and got him to guess what he was drawing on the other side of the screen, asked about his week, read stories and made silly faces at him. He will know his dad was the one who took him one day while his sister was at school and brought him for a walk on the beach, let him pet a goat who ate his glove and helped him climb a tree.



He will remember the water gun fight he had with his dad, his dad's wife, his sister and I in the middle of summer, laughing and having a great time. It was horribly uncomfortable for me, but I did it for my kids and they will remember that even though mom and dad aren't together, they can sometimes put aside their differences and swallow their pride to give them a good life. He will know that the box of gifts that comes in the mail at Christmas/Birthdays/Easter is from daddy because daddy remembers him and thought enough of him to find out he likes the angry birds game and got him an angry birds key chain. He will hear his father say "I love you" when he says goodbye to him for the week on the computer and catch the kiss he blows at him. He will not have a man who can fullfill the father role 95% of the time, but he has a friend who makes him smile and wants him to be happy.



That is what my son will get and continues to get out of this. Yes, he'll have questions and they'll be hard to answer. Yes he'll wonder why daddy can't be there all the time and we'll explain as best we can.



You talk about stronger skin, but I'm sorry, I think I have the tougher skin to be able to swallow my pride and let him share their life when all I want to do is scream at him how much of a jerk he was to leave us and deny him the priviledge of being a part of their life because he doesn't deserve it for deserting us, for not paying any support and for cheating on me with his now wife. I can be stronger because I can look past that for my children so they can benefit. Both my children have my boyfriend who treats them as his own and loves them, I provide a stable life for them. Their father just helps to enrich that and they have a bigger family who loves them because of it as well. I still bring them to see my ex's father once a week and I have never denied his mother or grandmother seeing them, they come see the kids a couple times a year. They are surrounded by people who love and care about them, that is what they know.

Alahnna - posted on 04/10/2012

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Payola, I read the other thread but it is locked now, a little late to the game.

It takes many things to be a parent. Not all of us are good parents, not all of us are bad parents, but we are parents non the less. I am a single mom of 2 beautiful children. I care for them every day, look out for them, put their needs abov my own, offer love and support daily, etc. I try to fill two roles since their father lives overseas on a completely different continent with his new wife.



He has not seen the kids in person in over 2 years and hasn't paid any child support in just as long. He has actually only seen the kids in PERSON twice in 5 years, once for 2 weeks taking them a couple hours each day and then once for 3 1/2 weeks (was only supposed to be 2 but they got stuck here when the ash cloud was there from the volcano in iceland). During that 3 1/2 weeks he took them sometimes for the afternoon, sometimes the day and once overnight for the weekend.



He calls them once a week on skype on wednesdays and they usually talk for about 15 minutes or so. If he can't use the computer, sometimes (rarely) he calls. He "forgets" to call sometimes as well. My son was 6 1/2 months when he left, my daughter 3. It was confusing for my daughter at first, but gradually, she has worked things out in her own mind, asking me questions, asking him questions, talking to her friends and in result, she has come to her own conclusions. Her self esteem is fine. She knows she has unconditional love from me and that I will always be here for her no matter what. She knows her dad loves her in his own way, and as more questions arise as she gets older, I will answer them as best I can. She has her grandparents, uncles, and my boyfriend who all are wonderful male role models in her life and love her. My son isn't overly interested in his dad, just to say a quick hi on the computer and to open the gifts he sends for holidays, thats what he knows "daddy" as.



Bottom line, we are BOTH parents, a mother and a father. We go about it different ways, but we are still the two people who created these two little miracles. I would never deny them the right to see their father unless I truly thought he would harm them and was a danger to them. It definitly doesn't make my life easier to have to answer all the questions my daughter has about why her father isn't here, why he left, why doesn't he come see her, but she knows where she came from and she knows theres a man out there who helped create her out of love and loves her still, even though he's not here. That's all that matters to her

Johnny - posted on 04/10/2012

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As for standards for their children, I have been on this board for some time. Regardless of the petty differences of opinion amongst the women here about things like infant feeding, circumcision, education, etc. it is always clear that these are women who care a great deal about mothering their children to the very best of their ability and putting their kids best interests first. If the level of care and concern that the mothers in this community have for their children was universal, the world would be a much better place.



I have never seen a topic on here upon which the opinion has been so uniform across the board. In a group of women who can rarely agree on anything, this has been a special moment. You might want to think a little bit about how off base you are given the fact that you have managed to unite a group such as this.

[deleted account]

Putting your child's interests before your own. Loving your child more than you dislike/hate the other parent. Sacrificing all to make sure you're doing what is right and not merely what is convenient. Teaching morality and that sometimes what is right isn't what feels best.



My son asked that I add: loving your child enough to discipline them and change 'poopy' diapers. They love them enough to clean up vomit from the floor when they dont' make it to the bathroom in time. They let them snuggle when they're scared ,no matter how old.

Johnny - posted on 04/10/2012

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One of the things that makes a woman a mother is that she is able to put the best interests of her children above her own interests. The child's best interest is always to have open access and knowledge of all their biological parents, as long as they are not a danger to that child.



It may sometimes be confusing, but it is in their emotional, physical and spiritual interest to know where they came from. Particularly in a situation where both biological parents want to have a relationship with that child, it is beneficial. There are literally whole textbooks of studies supporting this.



It may not be to the mother's personal interest to have this occuring, but there is no denying that it is better for the child. To me, any mother who would deny her child the opportunity to get to know their other parent because it doesn't jive with what she wants is denying her child their rights and no real mother would do that.

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Shelley - posted on 04/11/2012

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Alahnna,

I have so much respect for you. I have had tears reading about what you do for your kids. Dr Phil often talks about someone needing to step up and be the hero for the kids in these types of situations and i think you really are a hero.

MeMe - Raises Her Hand (-_-) (Mommy Of A Toddler And Teen) - posted on 04/11/2012

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Alahnna--

For me it is the unselfish acts you have composed. I think that is wonderful, it is exactly what I would do too. It is important to be able to set your feeling as a person aside, at times, for your children. Sometimes, just being the parent and pushing your own"person" feelings away, helps the child(ren) get through what they need to. I applaud you for being able to do this. It speaks wonders about you as a mother. ;)

You're right too, they will figure it all out in due time. The most important part, is you enabled them to know their Dad. They now can make their own judgments on what kind of relationship he will get to have with them. ;)

Alahnna - posted on 04/11/2012

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believe me Dove, he is not all the wonderful daddy as I wrote on top and I hate having to deal with him 90% of the time. He can be good like I wrote about and those are the main memories the kids have of him, but I have different views, lol. He's selfish and he cannot seem to stop himself from lying. He calls and talks ot the kids because I had it out with him after he didn't call the first 2 monthsafter he left, asking him what the heck he thought he was doing to his children. He "forgets" to call sometimes and he tries to discipline them over the computer sometimes, which drives me insane! lol But he is their dad and they are figuring out their relationship with him on their own.

Thankfully we can seem to be civil, but we are never going to be the "big happy family" he wants us to be, having BBQ's with my boyfriend and his wife all together, etc. I drew the line there. The watergun fight was my limit to help the kids feel more comfortable with him since they hadn't seen him in over 2 years. I don't think it will happen again now that he can take the kids on their own and they are older, but they needed it then.

**Jackie** - posted on 04/11/2012

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Alahnna, well said! (just a side note....I LOVE your name!)



Just a side note: did anyone else get chills during Alahnna's last paragraph? wow

MeMe - Raises Her Hand (-_-) (Mommy Of A Toddler And Teen) - posted on 04/10/2012

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Alahnna---



That was awesome! That IS exactly what a mother is. I applaud you for all of your unselfish efforts. You are one amazing Mom. Your children will love you so much for everything you have done for them, even if it was hard for you. You have done a great job at articulating what Motherhood is all about.



Payola---



You seriously need to take some advice from everyone here. You seriously need to listen to what Alahnna has said. She has done a wonderful job at explaining what it is all about; her children, not her.

Sally - posted on 04/10/2012

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YOUR HUSBAND SIGHED THE CERT BECAUSE IT GAVE HIM MORRE CONTROL OVER YOU.



I meant what i posted earlier.

Sal - posted on 04/10/2012

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my sons bio father lives o/s we seperated when he was 6months old, we haven't seen him since, i won't lie, when my son was little not having custody issues and the like was easy for ME, it was peaceful, i had great male role modles for him, and i was greatful to have the peace and stability to raise him how i thought best, now however he is 16 and i do think there are problems that he is struggling with because he feels his dad is a jerk for not being in touch, i never bad mouthed his dad and i never stopped him from seeing him, but i also didn't activly persued him, and with the gift of hindsight i wish i had of, so please don't dismiss how imortant having some sort of realationship with bio parents can be..

**Jackie** - posted on 04/10/2012

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She puts her kids first, no matter how "inconvenient" it may be. She goes with her gut, is patient, and believes that actions speak louder than words.

Sal - posted on 04/10/2012

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what makes a woman a mother? doing whats right for your child even when it is the hardest thing you imagine having to do, and even when your child thinks they hate you for it; anyone can take the easy popular road, a mother takes the hard road if it is the right one.

[deleted account]

I can't think of a better way to try to "stick it" to the man who was sticking it to your wife than to try to steal him child away from him by fraudulently claiming to be the baby's father....

MeMe - Raises Her Hand (-_-) (Mommy Of A Toddler And Teen) - posted on 04/10/2012

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Payola---



Because her son KNOWS he has a father, that helped create him. That makes a world of difference to a child. It makes a world of difference as they grow and develop.



BTW-

Your husband signed the birth certificate in hope the guy YOU ran off with would be excluded from the picture. it was a SELFISH and ILLEGAL act.



I'm on here about this subject to see others opinions about what is better for children, not bio parents.



No your not. You're here to stir shit up. You've already seen everyone's opinions. You are just not happy or satisfied that no one agree's with poor Payola. Too bad. You are wrong. You are not being a true mother. You do not have your child's best interests at heart. Period.



(I'm thinking I just have higher standards for my children than DMs do. Maybe I have thicker skin. No offense. I'm really thinking you all are doing what you feel is right and that's fine if that's what works for you then ok I have no problem with that)



BAHAHAHAAA - Now that is the funniest thing I have ever heard. Seriously? I guarantee if anyone agreed with you, they would have said so. No one here is afraid to express how they feel, even if they are in the minority.



ETA:

I agree with Dove. Go try cafe Mom's...I hear they like stupidity. I guarantee, some will agree with you there.

Dove - posted on 04/10/2012

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If you're just looking for opinions.... you've gotten them. There isn't a single person on this board that agrees w/ you. If you are REALLY just looking for opinions.... then just stop posting here cuz you aren't going to get a single person to agree w/ you no matter what you say because we all believe you are wrong.



Either take what we've said to heart.... or go find another board to try and convince. There are several single mom boards w/ women just as skewed in their thinking as you. They'll probably agree w/ you since that (and annoying people) seems to be all you are looking for.

Payola - posted on 04/10/2012

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Alahnna - I respect that you do what you think is right. And Im not saying you are wrong for it. But I'm just wondering what good it does your son. In what way is his father actually making a difference in his life to where you think he is needed in such a way that without his father he would be worse? I'm on here about this subject to see others opinions about what is better for children, not bio parents.

(I'm thinking I just have higher standards for my children than DMs do. Maybe I have thicker skin. No offense. I'm really thinking you all are doing what you feel is right and that's fine if that's what works for you then ok I have no problem with that)



For everybody who brings my husband into this, let me ask a question.

WHY DID MY HUSBAND SIGN THE BIRTH CERTIFICATE IF HE IS SO PISSED ABOUT THIS?

And why have we offered a visit even though we both would prefer he gets out of our lives?

Sally - posted on 04/10/2012

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@ Alahnna. I think what you wrote was so moving. You brought a tear to my eye. YOU are what makes a mother. I hope she hears you. X

Sally - posted on 04/10/2012

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I don't understand why shes on here. What shes talking about is not a debating question. It appears that she want everyone go,Yeah your right, go girl,kick dad out of picture. I know i have grown to dislike her . WHY Payola are you on DM's. You have debated nothing just laid done the law on how things should run in your candyfloss world, where you accuse your ex of being unfaothful to your husband. How bout you hold your hands up and admit you screwed up, happens to us all. How about holding your hands up and going yes i should have made him weara condom and how about ADMITTING your getting shit from your hubby over it. Do you really think if you get rid of bio dad your hubbys going just forgive you. If his doing this now it will get worse. We all have fucked up . Im beginning to think you really don't know what to do for the best. I maybe a mile out but i got a feeling in my heart your having a hard time and not cos of bio.. If im wrong tell me, if im not and when you ready talk. These women will help but please don't expect them to always

agree. Sorry for novel amd iv'e prob made an arse out of myself but i really am beginning to feel theres more to this.

You can but try to reach out.

EDIT : To say sorry for txt running in to each other. I kinda get carried away and when im on my phone , i have diddy box with diddy keys and its really is a pain to go back a bit at a time. Lazy i know but can't help it when i feel strongly, mind you when my het up about something, i make even less sense when i speak.lol. Think some of you are getting used to my IDGF posts and just about can work them out. Id ask anyone else to read them carefully and if theres a problem or a mis-inderstanding to pm me.

Sally - posted on 04/10/2012

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I think this woman is getting a kick out of this and thats why she keeps on, well i hope its that. Otherwise she really is deranged and i fear for her children



edit for sp: sorry but shes like fly buzz around just being annoying

MeMe - Raises Her Hand (-_-) (Mommy Of A Toddler And Teen) - posted on 04/10/2012

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Payola--And you think you could still do all this when you have little contact with a child?

Let me ask this then......


YES I DO. My step-mother has and still does.



If there is amother woman who is in a better position than you to fill this role for your son/daughter, then wouldn't you, out of your unconditional love, cease to be a source of confusion and estrangement to the child and move on with your life instead of thinking of yourself and not wanting to accept that your role is really not needed anymore?



There is always room for more than one. I have a mother and a step-mother, I have a father and a step-father. I get something different from each of them. I actually feel blessed to have 4 parents (well minus my mother but meh, she is great to my children), that I can rely on and go to for different reasons. I love that I have 4 I can seek guidance from, when needed.



To be quite honest, with all the shit I have gone through with my mother, I am so thankful to have my step-mother, however, I would not wish to not have my mother. Just for her to grow up and realize her errors.



In addition, I would never accept that my role as my children's mother was no longer needed. I AM THEIR MOTHER. I am needed, even if I was not there every single day.



You are so dense, it is making me really pissed. Take your ignorant remarks and fly away. It is becoming very tiring to have to listen to such twisted thought. Get over it. Your ex, your daughters' father, deserves to be a part of her life and she his. You seriously need to grow up and face the mistakes YOU made. YOU DID THIS TO YOURSELF. DON'T PROSECUTE OTHERS FOR YOUR STUPIDITY!!

[deleted account]

IN RESPONSE TO PAYOLA:



And you think you could still do all this when you have little contact with a child?



YES.



If there is amother woman who is in a better position than you to fill this role for your son/daughter, then wouldn't you, out of your unconditional love, cease to be a source of confusion and estrangement to the child and move on with your life instead of thinking of yourself and not wanting to accept that your role is really not needed anymore?



YOUR DAUGHTER'S BIOLOGICAL FATHER IS NOT A "SOURCE OF CONFUSION" IN HER LIFE. YOU ARE THE "SOURCE OF CONFUSION" AND THE "SOURCE OF ESTRANGEMENT" FOR THE CHILD. YOU ARE THE ONE WHO IS THINKING ONLY OF YOURSELF BY EXPECTING THE FATHER TO JUST FORGET HIS WANTED DAUGHTER EXISTS. YOU ARE WRONG. ACCEPT IT.

Sally - posted on 04/09/2012

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there still there both locked now. First time i have been on a thread where everyone agreed..



Eta. The 1st is on the 2nd page now.

Katherine - posted on 04/09/2012

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Hmmm, I guess I missed something.........I didn't see why this thread originated.

Sally - posted on 04/09/2012

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yes katherine but only if it was best for the child and not just to suit the mother and step-father , who wish to excluded a bio even though they wish to be involved. Thats not an unselfish mother putting their child first.



@Payola. I cannot believe that you are rude enough to come on someone elses thread to try and change peoples opinion. I would have hoped that after the responce you receive on your last two threads that people do not agree with what your doing.

Katherine - posted on 04/09/2012

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Wow, a mother can be SO many things. But I think that the main thing is someone who would do ANYTHING for their child.....even if it meant giving him or her up to have a better life.





ETA: The child to have a better life.

Payola - posted on 04/09/2012

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And you think you could still do all this when you have little contact with a child?

Let me ask this then......

If there is amother woman who is in a better position than you to fill this role for your son/daughter, then wouldn't you, out of your unconditional love, cease to be a source of confusion and estrangement to the child and move on with your life instead of thinking of yourself and not wanting to accept that your role is really not needed anymore?

Sally - posted on 04/09/2012

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A mother is someone who remembers that even when their child is grown and they have children of their own, they still need a cuddle and to hear ,i love you.

Dove - posted on 04/09/2012

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A mother is someone who huddles under an umbrella in the pouring rain so that her kids can run off crazy energy on the playground. lol

[deleted account]

Giving birth or raising a child as your own makes you a mother; however, that doesn't mean you are a good mother or even a great mother. I think the best mother's place their child's needs and interests ahead of their own. That doesn't mean it's all about the kid, but it is mostly about the kid.

[deleted account]

"Cleaning the dried boogers out of their noses...lol..."



ah, yes, i do that too, despite hating snot and boogers and all things mucus-related Dx

MeMe - Raises Her Hand (-_-) (Mommy Of A Toddler And Teen) - posted on 04/09/2012

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I only cuddled my girl until she was about 3... I am not a touchy feely person myself. I am when they are wee but it disipates thereafter. I still tell her I love her every single day and I read to her every single night until she was 10. Which, I think is why she LOVES books so much. I will do the exact same with my boy...that will be our quality time together at bedtime. ;)



My husband always complains that I don't like to cuddle, since he does. I was never ever cuddled, hugged or kissed as a child or teen. I was never taught how. I try desperately with my children but, like I said it only lasts the fisrt few years while they are still little cuddle bugs. I am not going to go out of my way to cuddle but, I am not going to shoo them away if they climb up either.



I cuddle my son all the time but he is only 17 months and I know that, even if I don't get much from it, he does. ;) Once they hit about 3, they are often too independant and don't climb up for cuddles as much. I still give billions of kisses though, until they don't like it anymore. lol



You don't have to be a cuddler to be an awesome Mom, Jaime. All those other things you said you do, that makes you a wonderful Mom. ;)



Loving them unconditionally, being there for them during happy, sad and bad times, is what a good Mom does. One that will listen to them and guide them in the right direction. One that will twist herself backward to allow for them to experience and learn in a positive way. One that goes way out of her way to develop better strategies and ways to help their child to develop in a good way. One that makes mistakes but learns from them, for next time. One that is there for them always and would never ever turn their back. One that makes sure they are fed, clothed, bathed and such, is an important part too.



A great Mom, is so many things. It is hard to define it exactly. We are very busy people and are often not appreciated as much as we should be. ;)



ETA:

Oh and one that disciplines. That is a huge part. ;)



I am a big disciplinary. I love hard but I also discipline hard, when required. I practice tough love when warranted. Which isn't often but have no problem with being the bitch Mom when I need to be. lol



I am not their friends, I am their Mom.

Sally - posted on 04/09/2012

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@Jamie , its seems to me you are what a mother should be. Your childs needs are met and she knows that she is loved and protected. Thats mothering in my book :-)

[deleted account]

this is something i struggle with, knowing whether or not i'm a good mother. i've been told i'm good because my daughter is so happy all the time, and i've been told i'm horrible because we don't cuddle like other moms and babies. but she has always preferred her daddy/my hubby to me and i have bonding issues. regardless, my daughter comes first and though i may not seem to be as attached as some, i will protect her with my life and my mama bear instincts will lash out in a second if anyone tries to hurt her. all her basic needs are met and i'm often the first one to realize what it is she wants if she starts fussing. i discipline her when she needs it and she is safer for it. she knows what she can and cannot touch, and that what she can't touch will "bite." so i think i'm doing good, whether people agree with my attachment to my daughter or not. she is safe, healthy, happy, and knows she is loved.

MeMe - Raises Her Hand (-_-) (Mommy Of A Toddler And Teen) - posted on 04/09/2012

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I whole heartedly agree with all of you and especially agree with Jen and her son. I would define a mother just as they did.



Good definition Jen and son. ;) There isn't a heck of a lot more to add to your definition.

Sally - posted on 04/09/2012

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I think you ladies have expressed it perfectly. Shame that some mothers can't see beyond their own needs.

Sneaky - posted on 04/09/2012

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I should add - loving a child like he/she is your own, even if they are no longer with you. If your child dies, you are still a mother.

Kimberly - posted on 04/09/2012

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A woman becomes a mother when she learns the unconditional love that you can have for a small child, the selflessness, the endless giving, caring above all else for the safety and well being of that child, to teach and nuture them, teach them love and respect for others and themselves, give them encouragement, knowledge, disapline. A mother can kiss a booboo better, make tears into laughter and be a role model for their children. A mother makes mistakes, doesnt have a perfect house all the time, thinks of their child before themselves. Just the same as a guy isnt a dad a woman isnt always a mom, its something you have to work on and its a never ending job, you dont get days off, holidays or pay in money, but you do get to know that you raise a beautiful child that will always be in your loving heart

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