Why are bottle feeding mums so God damned defensive???

Maree - posted on 03/16/2012 ( 184 moms have responded )

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I am serious...I am not just being a smart ass.



Every thread on this topic gets locked,seems no one can have a debate without getting the shits,fighting then getting the thread locked.



I think guilt has something to do with it but i would LOVE to be proven wrong.



So why is it that if anyone dares to say that breast milk is healthier...which by the way is FACT...people go nuts !!!



Please don't tell me that it is the womans choice....I KNOW THAT..



I am not saying a woman who gives formula is a bad mum...



My question is...Why all the anger over the FACT that formula is inferior ???

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Mother - posted on 03/16/2012

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Do you really want to know?? Well here it is........bottle feeding moms get defensive because [most] breast feeding moms make them feel bad. They are judgmental. They go on and on about why wouldn't anyone breast feed when it is so much healthier....so much cheaper. Especially new moms....who are just trying to do the best they can, feel bullied about everything they are doing wrong. Some people have zero tact.



I breast fed but I saw how moms who chose to bottle feed were annihilated by the Crunchy Mommas. When you're told you're feeding your child WRONG it gets your defenses up. and people wouldn't get on the defense if people didn't come in on the offense. Every action has a reaction....

[deleted account]

I think the more appropriate question should be, "Why are some breastfeeding moms so God damned offensive?"

**Jackie** - posted on 03/16/2012

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Your post says it all Maree. I can't speak for anyone else but I get defensive when a mom tells me that breast is best blah blah blah. Most breast-feeding mothers will make you feel like you are less of a mother or are selfish. I assure you, my whole life revolves around my daughter. I formula fed from the start. I didn't, nor do I still think it is anyone's business why I chose to formula feed. I will announce (with pride) that my daughter is 15 months and 2 weeks and she has NEVER been sick...EVER. She is also in the 60 percentile and has been walking since 9 monthsand she is a fiesty little bugger! :)





If someone has a problem with me, or the fact that I stand behind any mother who formula OR breast feeds because she is doing what she feels is best for her child...they can write it down on a piece of paper and shove it up their ass! :)

[deleted account]

How about another approach: avid pro-BFing mom who are extremely passionate about nursing DELETE the word "inferior", "subpar", "artificial", "chemically laced" and other adjectives that you use to describe formula. Just simply state the word "formula" without the need to include an adjective that carries a negative connotation. THAT is how you decrease the angry, defensive attitudes of formula feeding moms while advocating for breastfeeding at the same time.



Pro-BFing moms also need to realize that not all mothers desire breastfeeding. That's not a guilt factor in the least if a mom was set on using formula from day 1. Some extreme pro-BFing moms don't always understand that and feel that it is their "mission", so-to-speak, to convert a ff mom to a bf mom. Again, I said some, certainly not all.

Mary - posted on 03/17/2012

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"My question is...Why all the anger over the FACT that formula is inferior ???



I think you'll find your answer is in the wording of this statement. By using the word "inferior" you immediately force a formula feeding mom to go on the defensive. You are not merely advocating your own choice, you are rather blatantly expressing your disdain at hers. You are unabashedly condemning and judging her use of formula, and rather baldly inferring that she is a sub-par mother. When you phrase it like that, you are pretty much goading her to respond defensively, and with anger.



I breastfed my daughter, and I'm both glad and proud that I did so. To the best of my knowledge, I don't think I've ever offended when discussing this topic with another who did not. At least I've never had someone, either here or in RL, tell me that I was offensive on this topic, nor have they become argumentative with me on it. Perhaps it is because I have never tlaked about this choice by criticizing the content of formula, or directly compared the two in a way that implied formula was "bad". I might describe the benefits of nursing as I personally experienced them. I acknowledge the difficulties that I had with nursing, and am always humble enough to credit those things that helped me be successful (such as an extremely supportive family who had all nursed, an "easy" baby, the fact that I had "good" boobs for ease of latch, or my almost bizarrely ample supply from the beginning). I don't exactly minimize my struggles, but I freely acknowledge that I was lucky to have it all work out for me and her. I do my very best to never com across as being in any way superior - because I know for a fact that I am not.

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Emma - posted on 06/06/2013

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Look to your fourth sentence to find out way they are defensive Maree.

You are very quick to assume 'guilt' , it's pure projection on your part.

Jessica - posted on 05/21/2013

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Probably because we are usually the ones getting verbally attacked for choosing formula over breast. Personally I fond no reason to get all defensive, it's not a competition of who did better. Just to give you my whole picture I tried to breastfeed my first child, very unsuccessfully I might add. I hated it! To get downright personal I hate, absolutely despise my nipples to be touched when I am at all hormonal (even on my period). If my husband even brushes against them I feel downright angry! It was the same for me trying to breastfeed. Every time my beautiful baby girl got hungry, I got angry when she latched on. I tried to stick it out, just breathe and deal. I believe it's because she picked up on my tension that she started refusing to latch on. I switched to formula for her own good, I couldn't just let her be hungry you know. She did so much better, she thrived and was a much happier baby! I never even tried to breastfeed my 2nd or 3rd. Looking back I have no regrets except letting myself feel guilty for stopping. I no longer feel that guilt it was best for us. I think moms who get extremely defensive probably either have some of that guilt or have been pushed to breastfeed and therefore feel attacked by the whole subject. It's just a very heated topic anytime you discuss the choices made for our children, and everyone has their own opinion of how it should be done. There will always be those moms who think they are right, you are wrong, and just have to criticize. As long as they exist so will the arguments on every parenting issue out there. What we all really need is to parent our kids our way (within reason) and let others do the same without judgement. I need no one's (but my husband) opinion or approval on how I raise my kids, and don't really care who doesn't like it lol :)

West - posted on 04/16/2012

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it's simple we get a lot of insults from others. I have done both I was going to do the same this time but I am on medications that dried up my supply and made would negetively effect my infant. I was getting all thse tips about how to deal with my health and the medications but point blank I didn't want to deal with it anymore. I don't care what someone decides to do or not do as long as their child is fed. I do understand what you mean Maree cause everytime I talk to a formula feeding mom they feel like they have to explain themselves to me as if Im the milk police. Maybe it is guilt but I think cause so many nursing moms down them. You may feel I'm wrong for using formula but I may feel you're slacking in another area. People need to stop being so touchy in general. I feel that formula is inferior but i feel like being a grouchy sick mom is worse.

Sarah - posted on 04/14/2012

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the sad thing is on multiple occasions I would recieve the same problems from mums and older relatives thinking I was lying when I occasionaly would bottle feed with expressed milk, I only did this when I was out somewhere these same people would look down on me for publicly breastfeeding. But ultimatly I did some of both, I had my first 2 days after my 20th birthday, and no matter what, people second guessed me and infered that I was lying or didn't know what I was talking about, I breast fed for 4 months with him and at his six week check up he had more than doubled his birth weight, (he left the hospital wearing 00000 and was wearing 00 by 6 weeks) ultimatly I stoped breastfeeding him because his teeth came in and wanted to try for anouther baby but almost no one belived that I was breasfeeding exclusively, one even went so far as to say "don't lie we all know you are sneeking him formula sometimes". I breast fed my second for 2 months, he never put on weigt the way my first did mostly because my first started climbing at this point, and jumping up every 3 minutes to grab a 15 month old jumping off a table or lounge or out of his cot, was too disruptive to his feeding and so I switched. With my third I had the most problems less than a week after giving birth I was back in the hospital with what we now know was divaticulitus, but at the time we thought it was my apendix, well the ct scan ment that I had to switch to formula for 36 hours, the problem came when was told by he doctor not to even pump ad dump during that time, to weight 36 hours pump it and dump everything then resume feeding as normal after that time. the communty nurse has told me this was wrong, that I should have been pumping and dumping the whole time, but the result was my milk rpoduction never retuned to normal, and I had to supplement, until a few weeks later I had to have my wisdom teeth out and ended up giving up all together.

All of that was to show I have seen both sides ofthe coin. What I have found is that some mums are bitchy about it, it is for many different reasons, they are the competetive mums (the ones who will say thing like "well my sons first word was mother, he never said mumma")the older judgemental women (the "in my day, children didn't have 'disorders', they were just naughty!" types) and then there are those who simply don't like you (the "you're holdiing him wrong, don't you know that's not how you do it?" types), and these types of women are generally very vocal with their oppinions. not every one is like this but when you hit the breast v bottle topic, you also hit a very raw nerve, one that has been poked and prodded so many times it'ssimply safer an more automatic to assume that it is meant as an attack. I mean you hit the c-section v natural birth v TOTALY natual birth topic and you will find the same levels of rage ad animosity, because at the end of the day it's the same "my body dosn't do what it's supposed to, I'm a failure",or "I'm not strong enough to do this, what if I'm not strong enough as a mother?" feelings, coming up against at tmes a lack of understanding and at times lack of empathy for the situation, or at least that is how the raw mother perceives it.





I have come back and added this because as I read further I saw the whole cover up if you breast feed debate, as someone who did breast feed here is my oppinion for that, If a shopping centre provides clean comfotable nursing rooms, which weren't common when I was bf I feel anouther patron has the right to sugest or ask that you use the facillity, especially if you are not in a resturaunt etc. if you have gone out of your way to find somewhere to sit, then they have the right to ask that you use te facillity provided, I feel the same about changing nappies. If there is no nursing/parent room then they have no right to ask you to cover up or go eleswhere. I am also of te opinion that refusing to use thee nusing rooms if you can is, just stubbourn point making. btw I think that if a shoping centre provides a nursing room for the comfort of their oter patrons they should also be providing smokeing rooms so people are able to use the doors and walk healthily without worrying about their health in that way

Mary - posted on 04/14/2012

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I had the very same problems breastfeeding that many of you have expressed and I experienced the very same treatment by others. I wish I knew other women like you at that time. It would have helped me greatly to know I wasn't the only one. Now when I meet a pregnant woman, who WANTS advice...I tell her to do what she should for her baby, but if that doesn't work, do what she has to...and she shouldn't let anyone make her feel like a bad mother for it.

Mary - posted on 04/14/2012

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There are many reasons why women bottle feed, and it's not always a matter of preference. There are health concerns and conditions that can make breastfeeding extremely difficult or even impossible, there are women, who's job or work environment doesn't permit expressing milk during breaktimes, etc. There are women who can't breastfeed due to medication they have to take. Some women do both breastfeeding & bottle feeding.



Mom's who bottlefeed, know that breastfeeding is healthier, and they are constantly bombarded by family, friends, acquaintances, coworkers, and total strangers, who question them, yell at them, insult them and judge them--based on nothing more than witnessing them give their baby a bottle. The anger isn't over the information, it's about respecting the privacy of others. My question to you is, who are you approaching, when are you doing it and how are you stating your "information"? The second question you need to ask yourself...is it really any of your business? Seriously, think about how you would feel if people who don't know you, or are not connected to you or your family in any meaningful way, were constantly approaching you and inserting themselves into your personal life and decisions, and then demanding that you justify those decisions?

Karla - posted on 04/14/2012

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It only takes one or two judgmental or rude people to make it seem like all or many are like that - both with breastfeeding or bottlefeeding.

Do you think we can all just learn from this to advocate what we feel is best, without making negative comments about other options? I wonder if we can all accept that this one issue does not make or break a family?

In the US Mother's Day is just a month away, I hope you all have a great one!

Ange - posted on 04/13/2012

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I think people that are able to breastfeed and do they are so high and mighty and seem to know what is best and they do not understand the problems that some people have that formula fed... Now I am not saying every one is like this but alot are and that is why we get defensive cause they get in our faces and rub it in that they are better cause they breastfed well I tell ya I wish I could have breastfed my son but due to having problems with NOT having the milk supply there I could not breastfeed my son and he had to be formula fed now I knew this before it tried but I did try and nothing work the supply demand was not there and not every one knows this and understands it

Ashley - posted on 04/12/2012

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LOL it could be because of your tittle and the fact that you blam guilt for the anger meaning there doing something wrong and should feel guilty, i could take that the wrong way and as for beeing healther yes ok but i also se babies thriving and growing and meeting there mile stones who are formula fed. Starting an argument with your choice is inferior is bond to make people defensive. Im all for debating but i just dont understand why this topic is worth debating most people chose one or the other for a list of reasons including, money, health, work, personal feelingings, support, and what is commen for there surroundings, so its not realy something people are going to change there mind on it is affter all the point to exsprese your opinion to teach someone else where you come from and possibly get others to agree. It sounds like you want bottle feeding moms to say that all breast feeding moms are caring for there babies better because there breast feeding, i wouldent want to agree to that ether. So regardless if its inferior bottle feeding does the trick with no nagitive side effects to the babies equaling into the fack that argument is going to arise. Hope that helped

Me - posted on 04/12/2012

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Because there are mom's who wanted to breast feed but couldn't, whether they couldn't produce or their baby never latched on correctly regardless of how hard they tried & it was so incredibly painful that they chose to bottle feed to make the bonding more pleasant or they got mastitis & had to. or like others have said.....they chose to bottle feed for personal reasons.

I did both. My oldest was breast fed & bottle fed. both with formula & breast milk. Because he just ate so much I was constantly feeding him & getting sore. And it also gave my husband an opportunity to feed to. My 2 younger kids...I just didn't produce enough milk to give them the nutrients that they needed to help them through their birth issues.

I think a lot of the "anger" that bottle feeding mom's have is because of the way others come across to them. Formula is not completely inferior, otherwise millions of kids wouldn't thrive on it. Goats milk is the next best thing to human breast milk, but that stuff is just as expensive as formula.

I think many of the bottle feeding mom's have earned the right to be pissy, when many other are judging their choice w/o knowing anything & do come across as being superior if they breast fed.

I don't regret breast feeding.......but it would have been nice if my breasts would have "bounced back" to "normal" (shape prior to becoming a mom) instead of resembling a overused milk cow LOL (And yes, I can make fun of myself).

Erin - posted on 04/11/2012

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They are defensive because they usually have to be. Majority of the time, the only reason the fact that they are a bottle feeding mom comes up, is because somebody asked "why dont you breastfeed????"



As if that isnt already a totally personal out of bounds question, they then feel they have to justify why they choose to feed their own child the way they do?

What if they take medication that is passed in breastmilk that is unavoidable to take

What if they have a medical condition preventing milk production?

What if they just dont want to?



I have two kids. My daughter is 6, and I tried breastfeeding her until the stress from it dried my supply up. My nipples were cracked in half, bleeding, and I bawled my eyes out every time she got hungry. Which was every two hours. At 4 months, neither of us were happy, nursing was NOT a bonding experience, and I was starting to resent her and her ever empty tummy.

Switching to formula probably saved both of our lives.



My son is having a much easier time with nursing. I am a nursing mother, but shame on ANYBODY who looks down on a formula feeding mother. Your mothers should have taught you better.

Roxanne - posted on 04/05/2012

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I can only speak for myself, but people like you are the reason we are so "god damn defensive"! You have no idea what some of us have gone through trying to breast feed, I have a disease that prevents me from breast feeding and I have had tones of people tell me how I am hurting my son and that I am doing wrong by him. but none of them seem to be understanding that without my med's i would not be able to take care of my son, soooo, judging people on how THEY choose to feed their child is no ones business but that of the mother.

Tina - posted on 04/05/2012

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thanks for that info. I think people truely don't understand the need for formula. That's good info :)

[deleted account]

Does anyone here know what it was called before they had formula and the mother couldn't produce milk or didn't have a wet nurse available? It was called "exogenous failure to thrive" and the baby would usually die. Sadly, this kind of stuff still happens today because of lack of knowledge about the care of a baby. But formula can be used to substitute in cases like these, especially when the mother can't produce enough milk or has an illness during the crucial period where her milk should start being produced and consumed. I see formula as a godsend. Just an interesting tidbit of info :0)

Tina - posted on 04/04/2012

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When one of my relatives found out I wasn't feeding without knowing the details said if you were a cow you'd be taken out to the paddock and shot. Nice I thought. Heart breaking in 2 feeling absolutely worthless. And one of the other comments I often got when I mentioned my son losing weight was babies normally lose some baby weight when they come home. It was more than a little weight and he continued losing weight and getting sick. It wasn't from lack of trying. I was persistant and exhausted and did everything I possibly could to try and breast feed my child.

[deleted account]

Bottle feeding moms get attacked randomly, so I don't always think it's so much guilt as it is defending themselves against the judgmental people who force their opinions on them without knowing the full story. I myself have been attacked and told I should be breastfeeding my baby, it's the best thing for them, yadda yadda. I know all of this. What those people didn't realize is I have a hormonal imbalance that causes me not to be able to produce enough breastmilk for my child. My DREAM was to be able to breastfeed my babies. I tried so hard. But in the end, it just wasn't meant to be. I've been the victim of shifty eyes, disgusted glances and downright scoffing. It brought me to tears because they had no idea what I had gone through to try to feed my child as God intended. I pumped and pumped, took medication to promote breast milk production and even tried herbal teas. I could only get maybe 4 oz a day (which I did feed to my child anyway). After pumping religiously and putting my child on the breast anyway for 3 months straight, and supplementing with formula, my milk went completely dry. One day I woke up and it was gone. My heart was broken! So I don't think it's always that they're feeling guilty. I think they're just waiting on the next person to come up and try to make them feel like a terrible mother for something that is completely out of their control.

Susan - posted on 04/03/2012

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Speaking as a mom who was unable to nurse her first child because of complications caused by delivery, I would say that many moms who feed formula are so defensive because they are constantly getting disparaging comments from breastfeeding moms about what they are doing. With my first son, I pumped and gave him breastmilk for over a month, while continuing to get him to latch on and feed during that time. I went to the local breastfeeding support group, and was given heavy pressure to stop pumping and just "make him eat from you". When I did that, he lost 1 pound in a week. I went to meetings every week, and came home in tears because the "support" I got was often just veiled insults or condescension. I finally gave up, and went to formula because I was exhausted, and he wasn't gaining weight as he should, and he was hungry and fussy all the time. That first year, I got more nasty comments from moms who were breastfeeding advocates than I could begin to count. I mean, look what you wrote. "Why all the anger over the FACT that formula is inferior???" or the always popular, "Oh, your not breastfeeding???" which I in my mind was always followed with the unspoken, "Well, aren't you an awful mommy." I know that when I hear that comment, in my mind it is followed with an unspoken, "And so if you are feeding your baby formula, you are an 'inferior' mommy." Now, I'm sure you wouldn't mean that, right? But if you've been told over and over things like, "Well, obviously, you just gave up too soon." or "Some babies are just thinner than others" (this was given in response to my explanation that my son was losing weight) or the always popular, "Oh, your not breastfeeding???" which I in my mind was always followed with the unspoken, "Well, aren't you an awful mommy." then after a while, you assume that everyone who breastfeeds thinks you are an awful mommy if you don't. I would say it is driven by low self esteem and guilt, but those are only because of the constant comments I did receive.







I feel the need to add that with my second son, I breastfed exclusively for the first three months, then supplemented with formula twice a day because, while he was growing fine (99% for weight AND height), he was hungry every two hours around the clock. I was exhausted from lack of sleep, and starting to get quite thin even though I was eating like crazy. My body just couldn't keep up with his growth rate. I continued to breastfeed him through 15 months when he weaned himself.



With my third child (a girl), I breastfed exlusively through 14 months, and she did great.



I say, live and let live. If you make comments like the ones above, someone who had an experience like mine, is going to take them the wrong way. Contrary to the popular saying, in addition to sticks and stones, words hurt, too.

Kristen - posted on 04/03/2012

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i only get defensive when a breast feeding mom tries to tell me i am a bad mom for bottle feeding.

TINA - posted on 04/03/2012

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I think its the way people talk to moms that bottle feed thier children. They never stop to think maybe its breast milk in the bottle, maybe mom was sick or unable to breast feed, maybe baby didnt latch or maybe they just didnt want to. You should never give unwanted opinions to a mom. As a mom anyone who tries to tell me how to raise my daughter will get told off? i breastfed my daughter but nearly didnt due to not knowing how to do it. Then made to feel bad because i couldnt. luckily i found great lactation consultant tell me it is better to breast feed however its more important that my daughter be well fed. She said if you can't then she'd help me find the right formula or pump if i wanted. This helped me relax and I got it no problem. Lucky for me I was a SAHM so I coulf BF for a year.



Hope this answers your question.

Tina - posted on 04/03/2012

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I know exactly how you feel. When my second child was born my daughter. I was so excited when she was looking for the breast. It was so amazing to me. My son just refused between a stressful birth and that it was so depressing especially when people just couldn't leave me alone and let me do what I had to do for my child and bond with him. I tried so hard for weeks to get him to latch from when his born he literally pushed me. He got so frustrated with me trying to get me to latch him. He'd bite down real hard. Made me bleed. Even one of the woman who came into help me establish breast feeding said I was doing everything right, I was persistant tried everything that I could possibly try. My son kept losing weight was jaundice.



My second unfortunately the milk didn't come in that was more depressing because my daughter wanted it and my supply just wasn't good enough. And I mean not even a drop.She also made a mess of my nipples I continuely got lectured by midwives. When I stuck my foot down and decided that I was going to express as much as I could, which unfortunately was nothing and supplement with formula one of the midwives quietly came to me and said she was relieved she knew I was doing the right thing she saw what I went through, she breast fed herself and was old fashioned but she said to me. Unfortunately it's her job. She has to say these things unfortunately. She had to lecture. It didn't matter what my situation was or what state my child was in. I admired her being honest with me. It's surprising one that was really pushy even grabbing breast and acted real mean to me. Also said to me if something works stick with it, because while I was expressing my son was putting weight on but because of the lectures would try to get him to breast feed and he'd lose weight.



I had to resort to better birth control because of it, the implanon, Not long after I had it put in my breast filled up. I'd wake up leaking. I balled my eyes out. My daughter wanted it. I wanted to give it to her but it wasn't safe apparently and I couldn't risk getting pregnant again. I was tempted to get it out but it's just too risky for me right now. I was so angry with my body. I felt betrayed by my own body I'd cry and cry. My daughter was doing well on formula but now and then when I'd hold her she'd go to latch on. and then for others to give me a hard time about it. It made me feel pathetic. Now nine months after having my daughter my nipples are still scarred even with all the nipple cream. It really annoys me that people think they have the right to lecture, dictate, harrass and question other mums. We're not doing anything wrong. You haven't been in our shoes. Just because you're a mum and have breast fed doesn't make you an expert. My son is healthy and had I listen to people who hounded me I probably wouldn't have my son. One way or another.



I don't know people are so concerned how I and others are feeding their babies. It's not like we're feeding them deep fried crap or anything. Or starving our children. We don't love our children any less. Infact my partner thinks I baby our children too much. I love my babies and I'm not a perfect mum but I'm not any less of a mum because of a bottle. My kids are healthy. They're happy and loved.



So why do people go nuts when someone says breast is healthier milk. Well because sometimes it's not an option.



We're not living in an age we're only rich thrived because they could pay another woman who had good supply to feed their baby. While those who couldn't would more than likely have lost their child or simply resorted to regular cows milk or what ever was avaible. Their is a safe option. Formula has become much better over the years and much healthier than it was.



People can say what they like but breast milk is only as healthy as the mother. Having an unhealthy lifestyle is going to affect your baby more than whether or not you breast or bottle feed. You can breast feed as much as you like but if you eat unhealthy that's how your child will learn to eat. If you smoke, drink, do drugs that's certainly not healthy.

My cousin has done really well with her baby she's been feeding really well so far but even she's learnt that she can't eat certain foods because it affects her baby. She had a can of coke and that affected her baby. Her baby has had alot of belly aches and she's having to learn what is best for her to eat.

[deleted account]

breastfeeding is NOT easy and women who try to tote that are just really lucky they didn't have problems.



Parenting.com just posted a picture on their Facebook page and a bunch of breastfeeding women posted about how moms who formula feed aren't doing right by their kid. i know it's Facebook and stupid people abound there, but when that's the majority of your social contact yeah, i'd agree that it's pretty damn easy to get up in arms and pissed off. especially when these women who don't know a thing about you assume that you're formula-feeding because you're "lazy" as one woman put it, or tell you that you're just "using an excuse" by saying you didn't produce enough. it's like they don't realize that every BABY is different too and what one mom might produce for their child might not be enough for someone else's. so case in point, being a formula-feeding mom because my daughter refused to latch on and therefore never got my supply started, i can completely see why formula-feeding moms can get defensive. it's not nearly so much being angry about how "inferior" formula is as it is how annoying it is to be told you're not being a good mom because your child isn't following nature.



believe me, it pissed me off when my girl refused me. did NOT help my PPD at all, and yes, it's still hard on me because i still don't feel as bonded to her as i could be. i'm hoping our son will be my second chance to breastfeed, but if it turns out like with my first and only one breast produces anything and he won't latch on, then i guess i'm just going to have to be a horrible mother by feeding my son the next best thing as well. i really can't believe there's even a question on here about why any kind of moms are defensive when there are so many people out there telling them they don't know shit about their own kids and how they are bad moms when they're only doing what works for them and their family.



i know i already posted to this thread, and i was trying not to come back because i knew it would probably upset me, but when i saw that post on Facebook and all those breastfeeding women talking about how formula-feeding moms are just being lazy, i figured that was a perfect example to show why formula-feeding moms get so defensive.

[deleted account]

I can tell you personally, I closed just such a debate because 2 of the people commenting were using it to bash and berate each other and that was not my intention in writing the post. I don't like to think of myself as defensive, I've just heard a number of insensitive comments about how I don't breastfeed and felt that some women didn't realize that for a number of women, breastfeeding doesn't come so easily. Bottle feeding Moms also can be breastfeeding Moms, so I will say that I had to give formula after about 4 months with both my children and it was a very difficult disappointment to deal with. Naturally the first reaction is guilt because I knew that breast milk was better, and that took a long time to deal with so sometimes what people had to say about it really hurt.



I have also noticed breast feeding Moms get very defensive at times because it isn't socially excepted to breastfeed over a certain length of time in some places, nor is breastfeeding in public. I think Mothers need to stop and realize that they don't know someone elses situation, so they probably shouldn't judge till they do, and if you can't say anything nice, there's really no need to comment. Hope that helped.

Sam - posted on 04/02/2012

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I think that some people judge before they know your situation. I could not breast feed and had wanted to so desperately - I felt less of a mum to not be able to and felt that people who could breast feed could be very judgmental. I cried buckets when I couldn't and not from lack of trying!! As mothers we all do what is best for us and our babies and this is not always what our plans were.

Joy - posted on 04/01/2012

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I am a breast feeding mom but its completly my choice. I tried it with my daughter, enjoyed it and she was healthy and happy. I am now doing the same with my little son...however with that said, I believe that as a mom I have that choice to make. I think if someone wants to formula feed, then great! that is a wonderful thing because the child will still grow and will still be healthy and happy and by the time it really matters anyways you will never be able to tell if a child was formula or breast milk feed.



I believe that some moms that do formula feed may feel guilty about not breast feeding cause lets face it, some women just dont' produce the milk or there are issues that cause them not to be able to breastfeed so they get a little more defensive because they feel bad. THey shouldn't feel bad but they may. You all know that we women are not always the more logical and knowing something may not effect how we feel about things.As long as moms are doing the best for there child I see no reason to argue over breast feeding/formula feeding.. your feeding so that is great! your not starving your child or abusing them so I'm happy and they are happy and your happy. I know that some just choose formula for other reasons but whatever they are as long as they are feeding the child does it really matter in the long run how they were fed? no. I dont see people getting upset about young kids that dont eat peas or who dont get fed liver. does it matter if the child is being fed and are healthy?

Dawn - posted on 04/01/2012

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They may take it as being implied that they aren't doing the best for their baby. Choices are choices but when the baby is new there are a lot of hormones flying around...new Mom's want to give their babies what they think is best and when they feel that any decision about their child rearing is being challenged there is defensiveness because it is being implied that they aren't being a good Mom and all Mom's want to think they are good Mom's

Bonnie - posted on 04/01/2012

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You definitely cannot tell which children are bottle fed or breast fed. My 5 year old was breast fed and he is thin like a toothpick. My 3 year old was breast fed for 2 weeks and then bottle fed for nearly a year and he is a bit heavier. Equally, they both get sick a fair bit, just my 3 year old has had more ear infections. And it's that a lot of bottle fed babies are usually bigger because formula is thicker/fatty.

Merrissa - posted on 03/31/2012

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I don't think it's that they're defensive, I think they feel like they are being looked down on for their own personal choice...and when someone cannot breastfeed because of lactation failure or family issues, or work issues, or what have you, it probably makes them kind of angry. I had to stop breastfeeding at 2 months because of my minimal supply and the fact that I was a full time student while being a new mom - my doctor thought it was actually a good idea to switch my son, so I did...and he has been a healthy baby and now toddler all the way through. I don't regret my choice, nor do I think that it wasn't in the best interest of my child. He was not getting enough off the breast and once he got on formula, he started gaining weight and sleeping through the night. So some people can formula feed, and some people can breast feed....I don't see why breastfeeding moms need to constantly say to forumla feeding moms "OH BREAST IS BEST! HEAR ME ROAR!" When we know that, and I don't see how trying to make us feel inferior somehow makes them feel better about themselves.

K. - posted on 03/31/2012

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Well maybe Maree, it's because of unnecessarily bitchy people like you. Had your post started with "Why are bottle feeding mums so defensive", I probably would have thought to answer your question with a more appropriate response. But when you're immediately on the offensive with "God damned defensive", my only answer would be to protect ourselves against people like you.

Ali - posted on 03/31/2012

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Let me start by saying that my son was half and half. I have nothing against either it depends on what the mother feels is best. My son wouldnt latch on to the breast so i pumped and it tends to be a pain. Some mothers breast milk isnt a whole lot so what now lets put them down over it.. These types of mothers get under my skin. UGHH i have told many nurses that he is MY son I AM the one who went threw 6 hours of labor to turn around and be cut from left to right and therefore I WILL be the one calling the shots from here and til he turns 18. They didnt like it but oh well i bet you they stopped sending the breast-feeding nurse in my room every 3 hours to ask my if i am ready to start to breast feed.

Tina - posted on 03/31/2012

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My partner grandpa was breast fed for 2 years you wouldn't know it by looking at him you couldn't tell he was breast fed. People are also under the impression that bottle feeding leads to obesity. I was bottle fed. Until I had my second child I was skinny. I'm a little on the heavy side now but to do with hormones from having 2 babies so close together and having hormonal contraception. But I am losing weight gradually. My mum made the statement bottle fed babies get sick, because I was sick alot with asthma and was bottle fed. But I was also a premature baby that lived around smoker. My health is good now as an adult. I have a smoke free home and live as healthy as I can. My kids haven't had any problems with getting sick on the bottle. It actually was my only option with my son because he wouldn't latch. I tried from the moment he was born. I tried for weeks and everytime I decided to express his weight and health would improve but I got lectured from people and I tried again. My son would lose weight and became very jaundice. It was scary and depressing but I had to put my foot down and do what was right for him. I expressed as much as I could but ended up having to resort to formula. The only time he has been sick was when my partner and I had the flu we were sick for about 2 weeks. My son got over it in 2 days with only a slight sniffle. I think it also helps when you find a formula that suits your child. Not every formula is suitable for your child and I'm glad we found one that was the best for our son pretty quickly. No one should feel guilty for bottle feeding there is nothing wrong with it. As much as it's nice to breast feed. Sometimes it's not possible. Some people don't have the confidence to do it and that's ok. It doesn't make you any less of a mother and it certainly wont effect how much you child loves you. I can't even go to the toilet without my son wanting to follow me. Don't feel ashamed. My heart broke when I couldn't feed my babies. But they are healthy. I love them and they love me. It doesn't matter what kind of nipple is in their mouth. Formula wouldn't even be invented if it wasn't necessary.

MeMe - Raises Her Hand (-_-) (Mommy Of A Toddler And Teen) - posted on 03/31/2012

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I agree with Toni 100%.



You cannnot tell what so ever.



I was bottlefed, I am very healthy, always have been. I may get a slight cold every 2-3 years. I am intelligent, as well. ;) We eat very healthy though.



My daughter was breastfed exclusively for 18 months, she was very ill from age 1-3 and had chicken pox and german measles, in her time. Now she is 13.5 and rarely gets sick...



My son was breastfed for 3 months and he has been very healthy and he has been in Daycare since 10 months (7 months now). He did go through 3 months of ear infections but he got it from his Daddy. His Daddy suffered for 15 years with ear infections and went through 6 tubal surgeries. It has to do with how the tubes are formed, my sons were too short and narrow. My son got over it and is completely fine now. ;)

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Er patricia that isn't true, you cannot tell by looking at a child who is bf and who isn't. There is so much more than how a child is fed to how healthy a child is...in fact my bottlefed son was/ is far healthier than my bf daughter, she has had so many little illnesses and chicken pox.

Tina - posted on 03/30/2012

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both of my babies are bottle fed and never get sick. I think it's just as much to do with their environment as to whether or not they get sick. My friend breast fed one of her babies the other was bottle yet they both get sick often with fevers.

Patricia - posted on 03/30/2012

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my mom always told me breast feeding was healthier and from what i seen breast fed babies seem to look healthier.. theyre bigger and look happier.. i didnt breast feed because i couldnt gut it i got a sick feeling to my stomache i couldnt even try but as a bottle fed mom i do think breast feeding is healthier.. and i think babies get sick less too..

Tina - posted on 03/29/2012

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I do get jealous of mums who can breast feed because I wanted to so badly. But I don't label them as nazis some are quite understanding some aren't. In some cases it's been males who have over stepped the boundaries and lectured me. I saw one of my inlaws recently he wasn't disrespectful but asked if I was still feeding my daughter. I just replied no. He went on to say how he was breast fed for 2 years and the benefits of it. I agreed with him. Then a couple of inlaws went on talking about how long they thought was too long. I just said it doesn't matter to me how long a child is breast fed for I'm not going to be judgemental. Basically as a mother I wont judge you, don't judge me. We do what we have to according to our circumstances. My own mother who couldn't breast feed was the one who gave me the hardest time she had to fly to see us when the baby was born. She stayed with us a couple of weeks. She herself said my baby was basically starving, basically why I had to turn to bottle. Yet she kept ridiculing me. I found it hard to stand up to her as I was depressed felt like a failure. Was scared of losing my child. In the end I basically just agreed with her when she lectured me. But basically ignored her and did what was right for my child. I expressed as much as I could and supplemented with formula within a day my son had completely turned around As much as I would have liked to feed him his health depended on the bottle.

Hope - posted on 03/28/2012

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My sister was bottle fed from 2 months old because my mum couldn't keep up to her. But formula was so expensive they gave her sunshine milk instead. For those who know what sunshine milk is, it is a powered cows milk. That did not harm my sister at all. She is a very intelligent person, she is currently doing a uni coarse and just got top marks for stats.

Karen - posted on 03/28/2012

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I am a mom of 2. (very healthy, very smart and talented) children and I chose not to bottle feed for my own reasons.. Not that breast milk isn't better in some ways, cause as one did say, nutritional value, in the beginning is good for the child. I only got angry with one person about bottle feeding. That was the lamaze instructor, She made us feel that we were bad parents if we chose to bottle feed. That made me angry. My sister on the other hand, tried to breast feed, she about starved her baby to death because she didn't have good breast milk. She had to bottle feed.

I did it for more mental reasons. yes at that point I was being selfish. I wanted to eat what I wanted, I wanted to be able to sleep through the night, (husband taking a turn at feeding) I wanted to be able to wear a shirt with out having spots. I needed to do something for myself in order to be able to do for my kids.. and I chose right... for me.. maybe not anyone else, but for me it was the right descion. neither of my kids were sickly, or a mommy's baby, they are strong leaders in their groups of friends.. SO, to each ther own, but NO ONE should say that one is better and make the other feel bad for not.

Shawnn - posted on 03/28/2012

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Well, that's what I'd always thought as well...the weaning, that is. Seems to me that it shouldn't be a big deal to others!

Celeste - posted on 03/28/2012

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Tah, that's fine. I just like to be respectful of others, even though they are in the wrong. I like to "kill them with kindness".



Shawnn, true that LOL Well, as far as weaning, that's a whole 'nother can of worms.. I'll just say it's up to mom and child :)

Shawnn - posted on 03/28/2012

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Celeste, I'd call someone who calls you a child molester, exhibitionist, and claims that you're nursing for your own pleasure some kind of pervert! Actually, I probably would really ask them what kind of twisted existence they lead to even THINK like that! Even I, who was unable to bf, know that is not the case! Oh good grief!



And, I was thinking about one other thing...curious, actually...Bottle moms usually wean when the child indicates that they want to move on...so what do people consider "too long" for nursing? I would think 18 m onths to 2 years would be the MINIMUM, but isn't it the same? I mean...I guess I'd say that nursing your 8 yo may be pushing it, but...? Like I said, just curious. Because, I have heard people say "she's nursing way too long" and looked at the child...and usually the child is YOUNG! Like under a year! And even I think that's too young....

Tah - posted on 03/28/2012

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Maybe you would be, maybe you wouldn't...to each it's own, it's how i feel and i won't apologize for it because I would be lying. As I said, if you are not one of the ones that does these things then it's not towards you so you can rest easy.

Bonnie - posted on 03/28/2012

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My first was breastfed, but I often pumped so that my husband could help overnight and when we went out. My second child was breastfed for the first 2 weeks or so and then switched to formula due to health reasons. So coming from a mom who has done both, I think that if moms feel strongly about a certain topic, whether it is bottle feeding, breastfeeding, spanking, feeding solids, toilet training, etc., they are going to get defensive. It is natural and normal.



There are some moms who cannot breastfeed or don't have a good experience, so maybe they feel like they are losing out. There are other moms who only breastfeed because they feel it is best for their baby and they don't want to get put down if they don't do it. In the end, there will always be negativity for something we do or don't do. As long as the baby eats and is healthy, it doesn't really matter in the end. Just my opinion.

Celeste - posted on 03/28/2012

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Tah, I've been around breastfeeding circles for almost 10 years on several message boards. I have also nursed 3 kids. I've been in pretty nasty debates. I KNOW that it can be nasty, from *BOTH* sides. Like I said, two wrongs don't make a right. Just because *some* breastfeeding mothers can be judgmental, doesn't mean it's OK to call them names. Would it be OK for me to call someone who calls me a child molester, an exhibitionist and nursing for my own pleasure a derogatory name? It goes both ways.



Barb, you're very welcome. Unfortunately, many doctors aren't trained in lactation.

Barb - posted on 03/28/2012

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Thanks Celeste Clark I will call. I didn't think it was right that my doctor basically said no breast feeding and isn't being very open to help me figure out a way I can try at least even if it's for a short time!

Tah - posted on 03/28/2012

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i don't think it's pushing it. Obviously, you haven't seen or been in some of the nastier debates I have on here or read how some of these women are literally approaching Bottle feeding moms in stores, restaurants and in the flipping bathroom to let to them know how they shouldn't have children and all other kinds of crap. In my first comment I specified the word some, because it's not all. I am a former breastfeeding mom x 3 and I am not a nazi about it. I actually think I heard the term in here in a few of the debates and I couldn't agree with it more. If you aren't one of them that are practicing the above mentioned behaviors then it doesn't apply to you.



It's sad when you see that moms have been made to cry and feel inferior and less than stellar over this. It's sad when they feel they have to come on here and be defensive because they are asked why they are defensive. It's ridiculous that they have to divulge their medical history to women who are no better than them, who tell them that they MUST feel guilty for taking offense. Moms who tell them that they are jealous of breastfeeding moms because they AREN'T doing so. O Puhhleaassee gag me already....I get irritated to no end with people who can't seem to mind their own business, these are usually the same people who think they are always right, and then wonder why most people can't stand to be around them. Hopefully, they will one day go build their own little village and leave the rest of us flawed but happy with ourselves people in peace...

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