Why do couples not last anymore?
MOST HELPFUL POSTS
Carolyn - posted on 03/10/2011
i think divorce has become a fad and a trend. It is so common place these days and has become "no big deal". I think before , there was a stigma attached to being divorced and people worked harder to sort their differences and make it work. Love isnt easy, but it seems so many think it is super easy and when it gets hard they bail.
I think cheating has also become so normalized and common place as well, and the shame of engaging in this behaviour is slim to none for far too many people.
I could go on, but essential i think its a big shift in values, beleif systems, and morals in society as a whole compared to what they once were.
Jodi - posted on 03/10/2011
This is the day of *Do-it-yourself Divorce Kits*. Seriously, it is THAT easy. It's the mess that comes with it that is difficult. Honestly though, I agree that it is that we women have a greater ability to support ourselves. I know someone who spend YEARS saving the leftovers of her housekeeping money so that she could accumulate enough to leave her abusive husband. I know someone else who left, but had to leave the kids behind, because she had no way of supporting them. And I know someone who went through 3 years of hell trying to tell her husband she was unhappy, and ask him to please come to counselling with her so they could try and save their marriage, and he said he was happy, so he wasn't interested. Ok, so that last one was me.
And it was ONLY the fact that I knew I could support myself and my son that gave me the courage to call it quits. If I had been an SAHM with no access to an income, the way it used to be, I'd still be in that place now.
Why do you think Valium and Martinis are so well known as the housewife's addiction? I think I'd be addicted too if I had to put up with that for the rest of my life.
It's funny this is brought up because my husband and i hav just come out the other side of a very very very rough patch. At one point he was on his way out the door. I can tell you now that neither of us has the just a divorvce mentaility and i would not have been signing or doing anything until we had been to councelling of sorts.
Lucky we didnt need to as we both calmed down and talked about things. Once i pointed out what he was doing and why i thought he was doing it it was like a lightbulb moment for him.
People don't try and seriously work things out they just don't care anymore.
Sara - posted on 07/06/2011
You know, I read something by Kurt Vonnegut where he explained why he thought this was so and it made sense to me (though he explained it with more wit than I am about to). People used to live with and be around extended family more, therefore they had other people to turn to for emotional needs. Now, we expect one person to fulfill all of that, and that puts a big strain on relationships and I think disappoints people's expectations of marriage. So, since that one person doesn't fill all of your emotional and social needs, you start to resent them and the marriage falls apart. When you have the support of community and family, it takes the pressure off of your spouse. These days, that rarely exists. I have to agree with that.
Johnny - posted on 03/10/2011
Because it's easy to get and women have greater ability to support themselves. People are no more miserable or troubled in marriage now than before. It is just that nowadays, divorce is not difficult to obtain, and women often able to find ways to support themselves. Also, the cultural stigma of being divorced has declined.
Prior to the relaxation of divorce laws, less people did it and particularly women stayed in unhappy marriages because they truly had no alternative.
After the changing of the laws, the divorce rates skyrocketed, but since that time, they have actually remained relatively stable.
I'm not sure that many people divorce just because they hit a rough patch. Perhaps I'm wrong, but most of the people I know who have divorced had some significant and major marital issues that one would either have to live with or leave. Not the type of stuff that gets "worked through".
Yalana - posted on 07/10/2011
Also, our parents were raised to respect people. For some reason, that has been left out of the childrearing process anymore. I insist that my boys show respect even if they don't like the person or don't know them. I tell them that when they are adults, they can decide for themselves if the person still deserves their respect, but as children, they will respect everyone. I have seen so many kids with parents younger than me be so rude and disrespectful, as if it "weren't cool". My sons' father is older than me, but he has no more respect than what was given to a flea. He believes that women should be controlled (the complete opposite of his own father) and feels that his opinion is the word and should be accepted by everyone...those who do not accept it are (insert any negative description here, the nastier the better). He demands that everyone respect him, but doesn't respect anyone else. I'm trying to break the cycle for my boys in showing them that there are women out there who do not put up with it and who will more than happily hand them their heads back if they try anything disrespectful and abusive. I don't want my sons to think that the way their father treats me is the only way to treat women or anyone for that matter. Those of us who still believe in respect, honesty and honor need to keep instilling those in our children. Maybe more parents will catch on.
Jennifer - posted on 07/06/2011
I think for several reasons. 1)Marriage is not respected the way it used to be as something you choose and are proud of 2)Society is idolizing sensuality and promiscuity instead of loyalty and trust 3)No fault divorce makes it easy to walk away 4) Pop psychology telling us "do what makes you happy" instead of work at it if its important to you.
Yalana - posted on 07/05/2011
Kathy - that sounds like my boyfriend and I. We can spend hours just talking. My ex was never really a talker, he just expected everyone to shut up and listen to his opinions and follow them as their own. The first time my boyfriend and I saw each other after not having seen each other since high school, we talked for several hours! We still do that now, over a year later. We have no plans of getting remarried, but we are enjoying the best relationship either one of us have been in for a long time.
Off-topic, I know, but just a good news story - been married 33 years, together longer than that. Still having a ball! Maybe one of our "secrets" is, we can both talk the hind leg off a donkey! (Sorry, Australian slang - it means talk lots!)
Been through the usual ups and downs and changes but it's all fun!
Julie - posted on 07/05/2011
because they jump into bed too quickly then end up with kids at too young an age when they should be out enjoying themselves then when they finaly do grow up they realise what a mistake they made. as for the older couples seperating they are usualy the ones with extra marital activities or have just thought one day enough is enough there must be more to life than this. people dont have to stay together as much now as they did years ago and divorce is easier plus theres the ones that never married in the first place where it is easier to walk away. never stay if your not happy but be careful when the split does come because something might bite you and your nearest and dearest
Tara - posted on 07/05/2011
Well I think largely it is because a lot of women work outside of the home, are independent and have the means to be on their own. They are also more in control of their lives and what they can accomplish. And what they will tolerate.
In the old days, your husband might be a philandering ass. But unless you were prepared to be alone and stigmatized for it, you put up with it.
In the old days if your husband hit you on the side of the head when he thought you were being foolish, you stuck around because you just did. And you sure as hell didn't go telling anyone about it.
Now we tell, we get help and support and we leave.
Men are also more free to divorce rather than commit adultery in the eyes of the community. It is more accepted to be divorced.
The legalities are also a lot easier. In most places you do not have to give reasons for the divorce other than irreconcilable differences. In the past you would have to list adultery, impotence, deceit etc.
I think society has changed and people are more willing to stop when they know they should.
I got divorced after 10 years in the institution of marriage. (They call it that in a traditional ceremony, just sayin.... I was institutionalized. lol).
I left for a number of reasons, many of which would never have been solved nor fixed. There was no hope anymore. No love anymore either, so it wasn't tragic or anything.
Jenny - posted on 07/05/2011
I think it's our instant gratification society. People don't have the tolerance for dealing with the rough times and our expectations are far too high.
I have been in a relationship for 12 years, since I was 19. There have been times I have entertained thoughts of leaving as it would have been easier. When I gave it some good thought I understood that it was the situation that was difficult and I still deeply loved my partner. While it really sucked to go through we are so much stronger on the other side and we have always made it past the sucky parts. We are compatible on the things that truly matter and that means we can get through anything.
I am so thankful I drug my partner home from the bar that drunken night and a friend had a lighter with flashing lights that brought him to our table (yes, I literally lured him in with shiny things), who knew I'd found my perfect mate.
Amanda - posted on 07/05/2011
Becasuse in the old days, it was much harder to get a divorce. Now days we have no fault divorces, both partys dont even have to agree, just one has to want a divorce, and no reasons are needed.
Before no fault divorces (around the 1970s) people have to prove that the other half was cheating, or being abusive.
IMO divorces and marriages are way to easy to get into! I was raised with the rules there are only two reasons to get a divorced, that is cheating and abuse, anything else can be fixed. So I best make sure I pick the right man to marry, might be why I waited until I was 30 to do the deed.
As much as i feel like divorce is looked at as the easy way out i have to disagree. I can honestly say i feel i failed my marriage. Apparently through no fault of my own my husband of less then 2 years had had enough and walked out. It was easy for him but this whole process is hard emotionally, physically and mentally draining. It's not as easy as people think even for the one to walk out.
People on the whole take relationships a lot lighter then they used to. It's all about having fun where as back in the day it was about reproducing with good stock.
Sal - posted on 07/05/2011
while i agree with abuse not being tolerated anymore and maybe partially responsible for the rise in divorce, sadly there are too many women (and men) who still stay in abusive marriages, the issue with these marriages the victim is unable to leave for personal reasons rather than now having the socail and legal abilty to leave, they still can;t go, the rise of divorce can also be like feen said people are just not going to stay and not be happy, where once it wasn;t a good enough reason to put up with the scruitiny of divorce just because it wasn't working out, and now that it isn;t the same stigma associated with it it is easier....
People are wiser now.They make decisions based on there own happiness.Also the happiness of the family..many are better if the parents spilt up.
Life is to short to be with some one whom you do not love anymore, who is not treating you well, who cheats on you, abuses you and i could go on.
Charlie - posted on 07/05/2011
Because people are not going to put up with being in a relationship if it just isnt working or they are being treated badly unlike "back in the day" when getting a divorce was looked down on and people just had to endure it.
Yalana - posted on 07/04/2011
I believe it's because more people are not learning the old values of actually loving, honoring, and cherishing each other. My ex abused me in so many ways it would take up way too much of this post. I'm not about to keep my sons in a relationship where they learn from their sperm donor the wrong way to treat women. Since I left their dad, my sons have been happier, more loveable, and doing better all around than before. I have moved on with my first boyfriend from high school and we are expecting a girl in the next month, and my boys couldn't be more excited. They see how my boyfriend treats me, and my oldest son has noticed a vast difference. My boys see that I am happier, as well. They know they mean the world to me and that I will do everything I can to keep them happy, healthy and safe. I think getting divorced for the heck of it is stupid, but if one spouse is abusing the other, or the kids, then by all means do not allow your kids to continue living in that environment. No amount of counseling in the world is going to help the abuser to change. They don't think they've done anything wrong. My ex will tell you that in a heartbeat. According to him, it' s all my fault because I would never let him control me. He thinks it's my dad's fault for not "controlling" my mother. Last I checked, his own parents don't even try to control each other...makes me wonder who raised him. I have moved on, but even though we are expecting,, we have no plans of getting married for at least the next couple of years...we are enjoying our relationship as it is and don't feel the need to rush back into it, as he did with his ex-wife. he met her one day at the end of July 2009, married her at the end of October that year, she aborted his baby in Jan. 2010, and their divorce was final shortly after that. She has a young son from a previous relationship and didn't want anything to take any of her attention away from him. He wishes they had waited, but knows that all that is history now. My ex and I had our first son before we were married. I stuck it out with him for 12 years (including the time we were together before marriage), but in the end I was fearful for my sons' safety first and foremost. I usually don't agree with divorce, either, but in cases of abuse, definitely get out!
Danielle - posted on 03/11/2011
I think that ppl start out jumping the gun..I can't tell you how many ppl I know that say I love you after two weeks. Then jump into a marriage and they dont' really know the person. Then you have ppl that get married and its just alot easier to walk away then work through your problems. There's nothing wrong with divorce in some instances but there's no reason to get a divorce b/c you fight over little things. IMO ppl are always looking for the easy way out and divorce is that easy way out.
Johnny - posted on 03/11/2011
The divorce rate started on a slow climb in 1860. It skyrocketed as states (and here in Canada, provinces) changed their divorce laws. Women entering the workforce in greater numbers also raised the divorce rate as more women had options. There was a 40% climb in the rate between 1970 and 1975.
The divorce rate has actually been going down slightly since 1981. It is predicted that the rate will stabilize somewhere around 40%, and currently it sits at 43%.
So unless you are over 70, you probably shouldn't be asking, "why do couples not last anymore?" It has been more than 30 years since people were getting divorced to the same extent.
Perhaps we just notice it more because it is now our friends and acquaintances rather than our parent's.
Emily - posted on 03/11/2011
I think people go into a marriage these days, not taking it seriously. They don't really mean, "till death do us part." They only mean, until I don't feel like it anymore.
Also, there is no social stigma to being selfish. People don't look at love as something they do for their spouse. They think its a feeling they are supposed to get from their spouse. It's doomed to failure from the start.
Alyssa - posted on 03/10/2011
Because people are less worried about the social stigma of getting a divorce, and we are more likely to want to be happy than stuck in a relationship that isn't healthy. I do think though, as a result, there are more people who enter serious relationships or marraiges without taking it serioulsy and don't work through issues as much...and are just happier to walk away.
My husband and I have worked through our fair share of issues and life challenges. At the other end we are a hundred times stronger for it :)
In good times and in bad, through sickness and in health.
Nikkole - posted on 03/10/2011
My views are similar to all of yours! I feel that Couple's don't communicate with each other and that is such a VITAL thing in any relationship me and my husband talk about EVERYTHING even if we don't like what the other is saying we still listen and get it out there! Also couples like to hang things over the other's head for a while if not ever like if you husband lied about something important and you ended up forgiving him and then using later in an argument yea NOT cool! And yea i think divorce is just and easy option instead of really working hard to stay committed! I agree if your being abused in ANYWAY you need to get out but if your just arguing and feeling blah work it out relationships are work there not like fairy tales and you get married and everything is PERFECT i wish, BUT you can still have happy endings (in most cases) if you try!
Veronica - posted on 03/10/2011
I have several feelings about this. A) back in the day divorce wasn't believed in - it was 'through better or worse, sickness and in health" Women's rights weren't very strong back in the day either -- my MIL lived a horrible, abusive marriage -- he finally died when my hubby was like 14 -- when talking to her about it - she was proud that she stayed married to him, because of the vows she made in their marriage. A lot of women were under the abuse/control of their husbands, werent' allowed nothing, or to go anywhere either. (not the case for everyone) Also - the marriage vows said, "obey thy husband"
Men had more 'power' back then. Today, since the women's lib - women have been able to finally get out. They dont have to obey a man; they have rights too, etc. etc. etc.
Another idea - commercialism, society and the media fucked up relationships, marriage, and sex. You watch soap operas - look at how many divorces, adultry, etc. goes on. Tons of tv shows/porn/ the whole works - put a facade out there of what love is, what sex should be like, etc. So i think people go into a relationship/marriage thinking about have the Cleaver's home, or the Happily Ever After fairytale - and reality hits, and that isnt what its about. Etc. etc. you get what i mean --
I think in some cases morals and values are messed up to. But on the other hand, i think people are more aware about more, and don't tolerate stuff like people used to.... I will prob. have more to add later...
Krista - posted on 03/10/2011
I don't think that people are necessarily more unhappy today than, say, the fifties, when divorce was rare. I do think that divorce is more acceptable now, and people don't feel as pressured to stay in a relationship that's not working.
Mel - posted on 03/10/2011
I just think its because nbo matter if they didnt get along in the old days they stayed together whether they were unhappy or didnt love each other or whatever also people believed in working through thigs these days more people cheat and as soon as somethign goes wrong they want to break up but it shouldnt be the first option it should be the very last
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