Would you lie a out a cause of death in your family?

Sal - posted on 06/28/2012 ( 11 moms have responded )

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I will apologize in advance if this offends or upsets anyone that is not my intention I just am puzzled by an incident that I was party to today*******
Over the weekend a man man here died. The story from the family was that he died in cattle yard from z heart attack then was trampled by A bull, sad story unlucky maybe but plausible as far as I could see. I mentioned this to man had died to my husband and he simply said ohhh that was the guy who they found in his car..... So very different cause of death and I told him what I assume is he took his own life and they dont want it being public knowledge but why is my question,

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Elfrieda - posted on 06/28/2012

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I wouldn't lie, but I would't feel the need to discuss it with others, either. He's dead, we're sad, the rest of it is none of anyone else's business. People can be so nosy when they're not personally affected by an illness or death. It's the dramatic story that they want, and why give it to them?

Amy - posted on 06/28/2012

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It could of been suicide but maybe something else happened in the car that they are trying to cover up. There are some things that you try to keep in the family unit for fear of being judged by outsiders who may not necessarily understand. So yes I would potentially lie about a family members death if it meant that I would be protecting my family from the scrutiny and gossip of others or even if it meant I was keeping my dead loved one from being judged in their passing.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 06/28/2012

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Suicide is very taboo. People do not like to talk about family members that commit suicide. It is not hurting anyone that they are lying, they are just trying to make it easier as a family unit to deal with it.

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Karla - posted on 07/02/2012

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Sal, did your husband mean to say it was a suicide? I'm all about looking at different scenarios (I supposed the most obvious is the most likely), but could it be he had a heart attack, then was trampled (bazaar) and then made it to his car and died there?

As far as suicide goes, I think I would use caution in admitting that to children. I have this sense that if a suicide happens in a family it validates that as a method of dealing with stress. A morose and mortal method, but still.

Stifler's - posted on 07/01/2012

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I can see both sides of why/why not. Everyone doesn't need to know what happened anyway. Damians maternal grandfather committed suicide and I am not sure whether he always knew. My parents always told us about suicide though when I was a kid I remember being about 8 and dad told me one of his uncles committed suicide. I didn't understand the depression thing then though so I was like who would do this/it's selfish etc. I can understand people not wanting to have to explain it all to their kids.

Jakki - posted on 07/01/2012

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But if you were going to lie about a cause of death, you'd have to think quickly and stick to the line with everyone. I don't think I'd have the presence of mind to do that in a moment of shock/grief!

I hate to think of some causes of death which could be very shameful or just embarrassing which you'd want to cover up. Like... what's it called... auto erotic asphyxiation... you know when people starve themselves of oxygen to heighten their orgasm, but then accidentally die. I think that would be a reason to lie. You don't want everybody at the funeral smirking! There was once a British politician who died wearing fishnet tights with an orange stuck in his mouth - yes really! No one can think of of that guy without imagining it!

Or your husband was secretly visiting a gay beat and was killed in a public toilet? You'd want to lie about that.

Sherri - posted on 06/28/2012

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Because suicide is a very taboo and very hurtful and personal thing. There is often a heap load of guilt that ends up on the shoulders of the survivors. Try telling someone your father committed suicide (which mine did) and then look on the peoples faces once it has been said. A million stares, talking behind your back and people back tracking to avoid you at all costs rather than have to speak to you because it is too uncomfortable.

Jodi - posted on 06/28/2012

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Did he have young children? That's the only reason I can think of. It might be very difficult to explain to a child why their parent suicided. I had a cousin who suicided in her car, and she left behind a 3 year old child. In many ways it was fortunate that he was so young and is unlikely to remember anything, but I always wonder how they handle his questions about it, because children take these things very personally, and often blame themselves.

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yeah it really depends. suicide is something that is really hard to talk about and personal thing because the person actively decided to kill themselves. i wouldn't blame someone for lying about it and would probably lie about it to everyone except really close family members

MeMe - Raises Her Hand (-_-) (Mommy Of A Toddler And Teen) - posted on 06/28/2012

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I agree with Little Miss. Suicide is a terrible thing for many (most) families to go through.



My MIL's Dad committed suicide, while they did not lie to family, it was so tragic. It was even worse on her and my FIL. Since her Dad did it by using a hose and attaching it to his muffler, then placing it in his car. My FIL is the one that gave him the hose, not knowing what his intentions were. Her Dad gave some story of why he needed it, my FIL, being a good guy, gave it to him. Only to find out hours later, how it was "truly" used. So sad, that I could see why a family would need to "cover up" the actual cause of death.



Sad, so very sad. :(



ETA:

Amy has a great comment, as well. This could also be the case, in the OP's situation. I would do the same thing, if it meant saving other families feelings and ability to morn and move forward.

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