Would you remain in a sexless marriage?

Kimberly - posted on 10/05/2010 ( 21 moms have responded )

705

59

31

Would you expect your spouse/significant other to remain celibate in the relationship if you were no longer sexual towards them?

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

[deleted account]

All I have to offer is that I lost any sexual feelings for my ex-husband about 3 years into our 8 year marriage. Faked it and "played along" for the next 3 years. Sexless the last two years. He's my ex. That wasn't the only reason we divorced, but it played a huge role. When you aren't intimate with your partner, you lose a connection with them that extends way beyond the bedroom. It creeps into other areas in your relationship and soon you find that not only do you not want to be intimate with them in the bed, you also don't want to be intimate with them in other ways. We tried counselling several times and discovered that our root issue is that we just weren't meant to be married to each other. That's my experience anyhow. I stayed in a sexless marriage once. It won't happen again.



Edited to add: As for the remaining celibate part? My ex and I definitely weren't celibate. We were having sex, just not with each other. He's my ex. I think that says it all. We didn't sleep with other people the entire last two years of our marriage but we did both find "relief" elsewhere; and as soon as we both strayed, from that moment on our marriage was a just piece of paper and it was only a matter of time before we split.

April - posted on 10/07/2010

37

1

6

This is happening in my relationship, he has chosen for many reasons not to have sex with me and I crave it. He throws the excuses that it is because we fight, but we have had arguments since before our child was born and we had sex then. He also blames it on our hectic lives, I get this but we also only pop kiss, we don't go to bed at the same time, we don't even sit on the same couch. I stay because I hope that one day I can fix whatever in our relationship that will make him want me sexually again, but I think its getting worse. Because we don't have that connection I find myself more stressed and that the tention is creeping into other parts of our relationship. He also says he doesn't want it a lot, but is that possible for a 21 year old.

[deleted account]

I would yes. However, I could understand WHY the need to go somewhere else would arise. i think sexuality is a very integral part of a relationship and to be honest, without it there is no way the relationship would work for me in the long term.

I would expect that he remains faithful and I would remain faithful as well. We have made a deal that we will do whatever we can to make our relationship work and that IF we want to stray, we will split up before.

Tah - posted on 10/07/2010

7,412

22

351

I would stay...also intimacy is not just inthe bedroom, it starts before you get there, so hopefully you would want to rebuild what is missing and be able to get some....lol

Heather - posted on 10/05/2010

389

17

18

If I had a medical problem that wouldn't allow me to have sex or vice versa I would stay in the marriage and find other ways to be intimate. If one partner needs sexual intimacy there are ways to do that without "having sex". If you really love the person you're with and you're committed to staying in the relationship then both people will find a way to make it work.

I also think if there's nothing medically wrong and one person in the marriage is deciding to be celibate(truly celibate, not just with their partner) then I would probably want couseling to find out why. I went through a huge depression when I got pregnant(before I knew about the pregnancy) and didn't want to have sex. My husband was really understanding, but it hurt him that I wasn't attracted to him. I think women deal with a lack of physical intimacy much better than men.

This conversation has been closed to further comments

21 Comments

View replies by

Isobel - posted on 10/08/2010

9,849

0

282

I would do everything I could to fix it, but as long as the rest of the relationship was solid, I would stay.

Johnny - posted on 10/07/2010

8,686

26

318

If it was due to a physical or mental illness that rendered myself or my partner unable to engage in intercourse, I would expect both of us to stick with it. And to pursue other strategies of pleasuring one another. I would never abandon my spouse because of something like that and I expect the same from him. We did include the "in sickness & health" part in our vows.

However, if the lack of sex was due to relationship issues that my husband was unwilling to work to resolve, then no, I probably would not put up with it. I would either seek pleasure outside my relationship or leave it entirely.

Joanna - posted on 10/07/2010

2,096

19

134

my answer to the topic question - yes. My answer to the subject question - no.

Stifler's - posted on 10/07/2010

15,141

154

597

No. I'd leave if he refused to ever have sex with me again. I didn't sign up for celibacy. Being sexual is a huge part of my definition of relationship.

[deleted account]

It wouldn't be ideal, but I would stay because there is more to a happy relationship than sex. If I was the one not giving sex I would be worried about my security in the marriage. I would always be worried that he might leave or start looking elsewhere.

[deleted account]

No I wouldn't stay in a sexless marriage and I wouldn't expect my husband to stay with me if I was the one who didn't want sex. If there was a medical reason then I wouldn't but we'd have to work out a way to satusfy eachother sexually in other ways.

Serena - posted on 10/07/2010

453

10

55

I just wanted to add that my parents are an example of a sexless marriage that works. My mother was diagnosed with stage 3 breast cancer and required a mastectomy. Since then she never felt the urge to anymore and my father respected that wish. She has been in remission for 7 years now and as far and I know my father has not ventured elsewhere. So it gives me hope in case this situation happened to me.

[deleted account]

As the other ladies have said if there is a medical reason why we couldn't have sex, then I would expect both of us to support the other. If however, one of us decided to be cellibate I would have to question why, the intimacy we share during love making is something that is really precious, and worth working on.

Erin sometimes people do not choose to be celibate it is just something that happens, for a plethora of reasons, such as being tired, busy, having money worries etc, at first it starts off as a week, then it progresses to a month, then a couple then before you know it a year has passed and you are still not having sex, and the longer you leave it the harder it gets to make that move, generally people don't decide it just happens.

I love sex BUT I love my husband MORE, and as long as he is not having sex with me or anybody else (hypothetically) then I will stand by him, he is my best friend.

Charlie - posted on 10/05/2010

11,203

111

401

Whats the major difference between your relationship with your SO and your relationship with anyone else? sexual intimacy !

I would like to think he would however i could understand if he wanted to leave .

[deleted account]

If we were older and there was a health reason causing it then I would stand by my husband through his ED issues...BUT I would expect a whole LOT of cuddling and kissing!!! I can't think of any reason why I would NOT be able to have sex...if there was a medical issue causing pain I would be at the doctor soo fast!!! I also CAN NOT imagine "choosing" to be celibate while I'm married??? If my husband died or we divorced maybe? But how could you just one day make that choice w/out discussing it w/your spouse? And WHAT ON EARTH would be the reason for it??? I don't want to have sex with YOU but these other guys over here...IDK I just woudn't get the throught process here and if my husband said he wanted to be celibate I would probably assume he was ashamed of erectile dysfunction or that he was cheating and if it were the latter I'd not stay for nothing!!!

Sharon - posted on 10/05/2010

11,585

12

1314

Are you asking if "I" chose to be celibate? Or if there was a reason I had to be celibate? Like being recently post partum or some other medical reason.

Yeah in either case, if he claims to love me, his dick had better not ever see the light of day

Louise - posted on 10/05/2010

5,429

69

2296

I think there is more to marriage than sex and if my husband decided to be celibate I would except that however hard I found it. I would not stray but I would need affection in the marriage otherwise what is the point in carrying on. Someone to love and hold you when you are feeling down is the most special feeling in the world and a marriage partnership is more than getting jiggy with it! Many marriages cope without sex lets face it we all have flagging sex drives sometimes and as we get older we can't be bothered. Does that mean we should divorce!

[deleted account]

I would have, but I would have stayed in that marriage for anything since I was 100% against divorce and had made that commitment for life.

Now that I'm free though.... Well, I don't intend to ever get married again, but if I did... it would depend on why we weren't having sex. If he were getting it somewhere else... no way would I stay. Any other reason... well, since I'm still about 99% against divorce... yes.

I know a couple that haven't had sex in 3ish years. The woman has a physical issue that makes it painful. She is willing to do it, but her husband refuses to put her through that pain.

Serena - posted on 10/05/2010

453

10

55

I think it depends on the situation. I was in a sexless relationship for 4 of 7 years together. (we never married) I must admit that I tried to find that affection somewhere else but never made anything physical cause I felt too bad. It plays a huge part on your self-esteem and had me doubting myself. I was only 21 when we broke up so how was I that unattractive already I thought. But funny how as soon as it was over, he was all over me.
I think now that I have been married for the past 4 years and have a great sex life, if things were to just stop I would start to question where things were going wrong. Maybe it was too much Dr Phil for me during pregnancy but problems outside the bedroom always find their way in...
But with that said I would hope that we would be able to work through it while staying faithful in the meantime. We took vows for a reason

[deleted account]

If my husband chose to be celibate I probably wouldn't stay and if I chose to be celibate I wouldn't expect him to. If it were a medical problem and physically impossible thats a whole different story, I would be there.
I think a good sex life is a important key to a healthy marriage.

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms