Do you scold your toddler for whining or crying?

Onyeche - posted on 09/28/2012

Crazy isn't it? How Dads seem to be able to get responses that we can't with the kids? It's the same thing with my 3-year old daughter. She does it when she doesn't get what she wants. And I swear she only tries it on with me.



I ignore her but she starts hitting me to get my attention.



I know giving into her is not an option, but I am have no idea what to do.



Her Dad's hardly around so I have to find something that works.

Angie - posted on 09/25/2012

He continues to act that way because he gets something out of it. I have a couple things I do with my kids. I have to use all of them at different times....first check if they need something: food, drink, diaper, ect. If they are whining or throwing a tantrum to get their way, and you've told them your answer, you can try:1 ignoring it ( it will get worse before it gets better. They will escalate, but after he learns you don't care, he won't do it),2 pick him up, cuddle and suggest you go do something else together, 3tell him that he is upset and that's ok but we don't act like that in the family area - he can go to his room to whine, cry, stomp feet (what ever you think is ok to show emotions. And you should talk about how to act when upset... Give him tools and examples) and in all of these suggestions, tell him how to talk, what to say in order. For you to talk to him again.... So he knows he can get you attention and how

Dhatri Pinakin - posted on 09/15/2012

spanking a child now and then makes his behavior rigid and stubborn.



will you wish your child to behave above behavior?

Dhatri Pinakin - posted on 09/15/2012

When his father is out of station then how to control the fake crying child?

Dhatri Pinakin - posted on 09/15/2012

When his father is out of station then how to control the fake crying child?

Melly - posted on 07/04/2010

It depends on the situation.
If my son is trying to communicate that he needs something, a drink, food, potty, book, or toy then i try to help him; as does his daddy. We try to figure it out while talking to him.
However, if he whines, cries or throws a tantrum because he either sees/has something he wants and we take it from him, then we say no and why. He can carry on those behaviours for up to 5 minutes. Sometimes we scold him to stop if it gets on our nerves. Usually though we try to help him focus on something else, such as a bug on the ground or birds chirping in a tree-where are the baby birds. That type of stuff. Thank goodness i have my sisters, my mom, and the odd friend who interrupts his behaviours...we have learned new coping skills...lol

Takyra - posted on 05/22/2010

Every child is different.

Vicki - posted on 05/19/2010

I think it's interesting when somebody says spanking is a "last resort" that is used all the time. Wow. I really hope you (you in general) never spank when you are angry. Guess what that teaches the child? It's okay to hit people when you are angry.

You know a great book to read? "How to Behave So Your Toddler Does, Too." If you read it and find nothing useful, okay, stick to your spanking. But I'd wager you'll be more understanding of a toddler's perception of your actions. (Because you know his eyes are always watching you!)

My boy rarely whines. If he is ever upset, we talk about it. I have never even come close to hitting him! He was upset the other day at the park, because he "found" a toy belonging to another little boy who was playing in the sand box, and my son wanted to take it elsewhere. I helped him return the toy, helped him to apologize, and while he was kicking and crying, took him elsewhere to explain. He couldn't fully understand as his impression at this point is that everything at the park is for him to play with. In this situation, redirection worked. Another example, today, as I was making sandwiches for lunch, my boy was sitting on the floor outside the gate, holding his blanket and occasionally fussing. He was hungry, hungry! I explained to him that lunch would be ready soon and he would just need to wait a little bit longer. He accepted a drink to tide him over awhile, but declined to play until the food was ready. I'm trying to think of any time that he has been really incredibly "whiny" but I'm coming up blank.

I guess I'm one of the ones who can talk softly to the child to calm him down. It's just what I have always done. I'm not quick to anger and I won't strike out against him when he's angry either. Occasionally when he IS mad, I'll have him sit with me for a moment and ask him to tell me about it. At first, yes, he might become more angry, but it is only a short time until he calms down and tells me he is done now.

When I was a kid, my brothers and I lived in absolute fear of our father. I used to despise that poem hanging on the wall, "A child who lives with (blank) learns (blank)" because the only parts I could identify with were the negatives. I lived with anger, hurt, blame, shame... There is no way I ever want my son to feel like that. I guess we had been spanked, but I only remember one day my dad saying, "daddy's gonna try to stop hitting you." I hated him. And you know what? Being constantly punished loses its effectiveness. We always thought, if we're gonna get in trouble anyway, might as well do it!

What works so much better for children is the positive reinforcement. Rather than scolding for whining, praise for using a proper tone of voice. Say, "Thank you for asking so nicely." At this age, communication is a struggle. Have you considered using some simple sign language? Instead of guessing, your child can tell you he needs a drink, or a diaper change. Instead of pointing, he can use a sign. I don't believe in "fake" crying at this age, either! Awhile back I left my boy with a friend while her sister and I went to the market. Upon our return, she reported that he had "tried to make himself hyperventilate." UH WHAT!! Yeah right! No, he WAS hyperventilating because he had been left to cry alone, instead of being welcomed and comforted... He missed his mommy and wasn't able to focus on anything else...

Anyways, I've been called a hippie for my loving approach to raising my son. But it's amazing how many problems I have never had with him.

Kathryn - posted on 05/19/2010

Any type of attention to behavior reinforces that behavior because any type of attention is better than no attention. For that reason I choose to ignore behaviors that do not endanger anyone (like whining). It takes my boy a long time to stop screeching but in the long run I think ignoring him is the best answer for my long term goals. I also tell him "Uppie" when he puts his arms out to be picked up or "More" when he wants more of something. He is pre-verbal but starting to try to communicate with words, sounds and intonation. My husband does the stern "Stop it" and it works for him.

Takyra - posted on 05/19/2010

I agree. Thanks for your post Daisy.

Takyra - posted on 05/19/2010

I understand what you mean. While spanking, smacking, or whatever you want to call it is not effective in some children, it is effective with other children. Again, it depends on the child. Some children (speaking from experience, not science) respond better to a "raised voice" or a "stern tone", but other children do not respond to that. Some children respond better to a spanking or a smack and othe children do not respond to that. I believe in spanking; I DO NOT believe in abuse. There is a fine line between the two. I was raised in a home where my mother believed in spanking, beating my tail, or whatever you wanna call it. She did not abuse me, though. I turned out very well; I went to the military where I'm now an E-5 and I'm about to go back to school for nursing. Now this is speaking from experience. Everyone has a right to their own opinions and I'm sorry, but I do and will always believe in spanking. I do not just spank my children for everything. Some people just spank their children because that's how they were raised. They don't talk with their children or anything. They don't explain anything to the child; nothing. When I discipline my children (8 and 17 months old), I explain why I did it. I know my 17 month old doesn't really understand the whole concept now, but as long as I stay consist with it when needed, he will get the picture and I may not have to spank him when he gets older. He will know that there are consequences for his actions. As long as you keep the lines of communication open with your children when you do discipline them, it will be unlikely that they will have self esteem issues unless when you're using your stern tone, you're being verbally abusive when you use this tone. In my opinion, you can't base the way you raise children on science because all children are different. I do, however, respect your comment.

Daisy - posted on 05/19/2010

I don't tend to scold and do more ignoring but I tell him what he is not allowed to do and why and if he is whining or carrying on, I will let him know it's ok to be upset/angry/annoyed but whining etc wont change anything and that seems to help. When we have complete melt downs (which luckily have only been at home cause when we're out there is so much going on around him it's easy to distract.) I just tell him he needs some time to calm down and put him in his crib kiss love you and walk out and shut the door. There is screaming for a couple of minutes then when he calms down a bit I go back in and ask him if he feels better, then we usually read a book or something. I have only had to do this 3 times so far:)

Things that have really worked is giving him 2 acceptable options and letting him choose one... Which is good cause when he starts to whine I can say you chose that one:)
Giving warning ok in 5 minutes we are going to change you or going to take a nap or eat etc... and do a count down, this also is great cause he may whine a bit but I just tell him I told you this was going to happen and he usually goes along.
And last telling him what I expect and why before we go somewhere like today we went to the mechanics and I told him he could not touch anything and to stay by me because there are cars and things that are dangerous. He spent the whole time by my side and didn't touch anything.. However he did walk over the car lift thing a bunch of times and I thought fair enough I didn't say anything about walking over things haha

Good luck it seems to be the nature of the beast and fingers crossed with a whole lot of patience and a whole lot of love we will all make it through this stage with minimal damage:)

Celeste - posted on 05/19/2010

As long as he is not hungry I ignore him and he only whines for a few seconds before he moves on.

Mitch - posted on 05/18/2010

i don't have an idea about that coz mine is still 17 months old but she does do that "fake crying" thing and i don't want her to grow up spoiled....that somehow scares me..

Tarina - posted on 05/18/2010

Chase is 16 months now, and has just entered this whining phase when he cant reach something, or wants to get down, or wants attention, or wants... pretty much anything! We will wait until he stops crying, talking calmly to him that as soon as he calms down, we will give him what he wants (his cup that he threw, an extra cracker, the toy he cant find) Usually it only takes a minute (we only make him wait until there's about a 6 second pause in his cries, when hes checking if we are still paying attention). This of course, doesnt apply to the actual cries of an unhappy toddler when he is hungry or wet or hurt, just a tired one who isnt using any real words yet. We are trying to encourage him to use words instead of cries or grunts or whines to help us figure out what he needs. If we rush to give him everything before he needs it, he has no reason to bother learning the words... tough line to draw but we're trying.

Heather - posted on 05/18/2010

Liz.. very good, i really do agree!! just last nite my son flipped out because he couldnt have a can of pop.. which we never have pop at our house but my husband baught some.. and my husband said no.. which is good.. but my son totally flipped out and started screaming ect. my husband brought him into his room and talked calmy to him while he was still creaming.. 5minutes later.. cayden my son came out happy.. and was very proud of him because my husband didn't even have to spank him : ) so.. i do agree!! and i will have to do it more.. because i do spank because i think it helps.. but really like u said they can listen with out spanking them..so i am going to have myself start doing that.

Liz - posted on 05/18/2010

I'm assuming the reference to 7-8 yrs was in response to my post, Takyra?

My comment was made from a base of science and psychology, when I refer to 7-8 yrs. That is, the human brain, and it's ability to think in certain ways, is not developed enough until that age, to know right from wrong. Some would argue that it goes beyond that age.

By that, I mean until around that age a child cannot independantly guage what is a 'right' thing to do and what is a 'wrong' thing to do. They follow instructions and rules - for whatever reason, be it our of respect, love, or fear (sadly, this can be the case) but they do not have the ability to judge if an action is right or wrong.

I don't agree with physical punishment for many reasons - call it smacking, spanking........whatever your preferred name for it is.

The primary one is that studies have born out that, generally speaking, it doesn't work any more effectively to discipline a child than using a raised voice to stop the behaviour does and, in fact, can cause self-esteem issues and issues with the child's own physical behaviour towards others.

It is near impossible to smack or spank a child and then try to get them to understand that it is not acceptable to do that to other children, adults etc. In depth studies have also born this out.

So, all I'm saying is that evidence shows this is, generally speaking, an ineffective way to deal with 'bad' behaviour.

If someone wants to resort to physical punishment with their child, they need to be prepared to accept the child's interpretation of physical force or violence, and their use of it themselves, down the track.

We all comment so frequently on what mimics our children become and that goes for the positive AND negative things they see/experience.

Takyra - posted on 05/18/2010

To answer the question, my son has terrible temper tantrums and most of the time, I try to ignore him, but when it gets to the point of no return, I let him know that he needs to stop. I say NO to him, but I often have to repeat myself (which I hate to do) but it works after the first 2 times I have to tell him. My son likes to hit as well and I simply smack his hand and say "that's a no no" and then he stops but only for the moment. He doesn't do it as much now so that's good. It just lets me know that he's learning.

Takyra - posted on 05/18/2010

When I say I believe in spanking, of course I mean as a LAST RESORT. Spanking doesn't work for all children. I just believe it depends on the child.

Takyra - posted on 05/18/2010

I do believe in spanking. If you don't teach children at an early age when they are learning how to communicate and starting to realize right from wrong, then by the time they are 7 or 8 years old, they will disrespect you because they feel they can. You have to give a child boundaries no matter what age. All children learn on different levels at different times, but it is never too early to teach them how to communicate and how to respond to certain situations. I'm not judging anyone about how they raise their children, but I do believe STRONGLY in discipline.

Windy - posted on 05/18/2010

I usually say no and then try and turn my daughters attention to something else.

Bettina - posted on 05/17/2010

If I have already said "no" to something and thats when he starts whining and crying. I just ignore it. If he whines instead of telling me something, I tell him to talk to me instead of whining. Then, show him by example what I mean by tell me what you want.

Ashlei - posted on 05/17/2010

Why would you scold a child for showing emotion? I get cranky too when I see a huge chocolate bar that I can't have.

Liz - posted on 05/17/2010

Interesting one.

My 17 mth old isn't much for whining but, when he's tired, at the end of the day, and I'm trying to prepare dinner before Daddy gets home, he can start. I know what he wants - he wants me to play and interact with him and his tired mind can't work out why I won't! I tend to keep talking to him while I do other stuff and if the whining starts:

* I try the distraction method (he has his own cupboard in the kitchen, full of his plastic bowls, plates etc, which is a brilliant time waster for him).
* If that doesn't work - I crouch down to him and give him a hug and say that it's ok but 'enough now' and THEN use the distraction thing. Amazingly, that seems to work at times!
* If that doesn't work - I ignore and intermittently try the distraction method.

I'd be lying if I said there weren't times when I raised my voice and said 'Hey, hey...*got his attention*......enough now!' but that's more about my stress level or frustration level - trying to get dinner ready with a small child either clinging to my leg or whinging.........or both. :P

I don't believe in spanking at all. I don't think we can properly teach children not to be physical with other children, or us, if we smack them. Especially at such a young age, where they have no concept of right and wrong - the reality is, they don't work that kind of thing out until the age of 7-8 yrs. They understand what you want them to do and what you don't want them to do, but they do not understand why. In other words, they follow the rules they are set (or most of the time, anyway, lol) because you are an authority figure in their lives.

For me, a stern and raised voice will get the attention you want. Having said that, I haven't had need for any other type of action.............yet.

Lara - posted on 05/17/2010

I ignore...

Heather - posted on 05/17/2010

I believe.. that a child at the age of one can be spanked but lighty i think .. i have only done it to my daughter twice but as jennifer said they are just learning.. so that's why i tend to just left her have her tantrum by throwing something that i thougth she wanted or throwing herself on the floor and crying.. you gotta love those stages.. but also you need to let them know still what there doing isn't right because they do know a little right from wrong if ur telling them..

Jennifer - posted on 05/16/2010

Intersting comments. At this age, these kiddos are just learning to communicate. They are frustrated most of the time because they just can't tell you why they're upset. On the other hand, they are also learning how to be social, they push the envelope and see how far they can go with their behaviors. We just have to remember this. I don't believe scolding them for feeling out their enviornment is right now. they have to have some sort of understanding of what is right and wrong, and then know what their consequences will be. They're still babies! They may push our buttons with the annoying fake cries and especially the loud squeels (currently filling my house) but they just want learn about what is going on, an how to express themselves.

Nicole - posted on 05/16/2010

When my daughter whines I say what I would want her to say instead of whining (mommy I'm having a hard time doing this could you please help me) I know she is not yet verbal enough to say this and that is why she is whining. I want to set an example for her however so as she becomes more and more verbal she can ask for things politely instead of resorting to throwing a tantrum. They do not have a sense of patience either at this age and are not supposed to yet. If she still continues I will ignore her but now she has simply started saying help before she even begins to whine and I happily help her :-)

Charissa - posted on 05/16/2010

I simply tell her that whining and crying isn't going to change my answer. Then follow through. Why scold them for being rightfully upset? Why are mom and dad's allowed to be upset but our children are not? My goal is for her to learn at an early age that she as every right to her emotions, but just because she has them doesn't necessarily mean it will change anything.

Jascinta - posted on 05/16/2010

thats funny cause my partners usually the one that gives in to whinging lol. if my son wants something and starts whinging at me i say 'don't whinge at mummy.... ask nicely' he usually stops and babbles something sweet. and if i have to take something off him that he wants then i explain why he can't have it then replace it with something that he can have. as for 'scolding' - i don't really do that.

Heather - posted on 05/15/2010

If you don't scold them when they do start acting like that, then as the years go on they think it's okay.. because they remember from b4.. you need to gradually teach ur child right from wrong.. because they do understand.. and you can't let them get there way even if they cry or whine.. when u say no it should mean no.

Cheri - posted on 05/15/2010

I ignore it most of the time with both my children, ages 18 months and 4 years, but sometimes the 4 yr old gets scolded, especially if a fit accompanies the whine or cry.

Elisabeth - posted on 05/15/2010

Absolutely not! Children have rights to their feelings. Telling a child to stop crying doesn't work, and it is manipulative. They will be angry at a parent who tells him how he should be feeling. Here is a suggestion, read "How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk" by Adele Faber & Elaine Mazlish. It was a national best seller. Good luck!

Amber - posted on 05/13/2010

My 17 month old started the "terrible twos" early as well! lol. I didn't make too much of it for the first couple of months because she's just discovering feelings and learning what makes her happy or mad. (She's new to the planet after all! lol) Now that we're on the same page I let her know in a few SHORT sentences what's appropriate and show her how to handle herself. She does much better now. Still yells and and shreaks a little, but now I just have to look at her over the top of my glasses and shake my head and she leaves what's frustrating her behind to find something else to do.

Jenn - posted on 05/13/2010

don't feel bad i believe in spanking too.. i believe there is a HUGE difference between spanking and abuse, NOT a fine line. One spank on the bum gets a message across to a toddler, and as long it is really is a last resort, it only takes a couple of spanks before your children learn to mind your words. I have a one year old, a three year old, and a five year old. They all mind me. I haven't had to spank my 5 year old in 2 years. Their dad is out of the picture, so i don't have the option of being the 'good cop' in any situation, and if they don't listen to me, there's no one to set them straight. So unfortunately yes, i do scold for little behaviors like whining. Letting them push the boundaries on the little behaviors guarantees to me that they will push it on the big ones, and i can't afford for that to happen. They all listen to me, and they all respect me because all know that i mean what i say :) i also never lie to them. I don't promise anything unless we are SURE to do it, i wouldn't want to undermine my own authority by making my words unbelievable.

question, just out of curiosity.... of the previous women who have said that their husband's 'no' works when theirs doesn't. Have you spoken to your husband's about this problem, and when he steps in and stops it, does he reinforce that the children have to listen to you? ie: "what did your mother ask you to do?" or "i heard your mommy ask you to stop, i want you to listen to her"
or does he just step in, stop the war, and move on?

Flantashia - posted on 05/13/2010

I spank. Plain and simple. It's my last resort, but almost always happens. My eldest can whine all day long if she wanted to. ANd I can't ignore bc I can't stand crying kids. My husband will spank also but he doesn't have to do that as often. I know some ppl are against it but I believe it is necessary for some kids and the situation.

Sarah - posted on 05/12/2010

if I raise my voice to my little man...he just looks at me and keeps doing it or he screams and keeps doing it, but if his dad has to scold him he stops and stares at him...doesn't even move.
My best friend thinks it may be cause be's used to me since I'm a sahm and dad works full time

Ryan - posted on 05/11/2010

I have the same problem!

Amanda - posted on 05/11/2010

and i try not to be loud to him, but i do try to change my tone to tell him things like "please don't throw that, it's not nice" or something like that, and i can tell he knows what i'm saying. i can give him extensive instructions like "can you pick that up and bring it to me please?" and he will. he hasn't really tried to hit or headbutt or bite or anything.

Amanda - posted on 05/11/2010

i'll tell him no and if he cries, i "redirect," give him something else to do. if that doesn't work i just ignore the cries and he stops within a few seconds because he sees it's not working. a lot of times i can tell that his feelings are hurt and so he cries really loud, but there's a difference between that and a whine because he's tired or hungry along with being upset about the "no" you've said. mostly i redirect, and if that doesn't work then we get his little blanket and sit on the rocker with mom for quiet time for a few minutes so he can recharge. he really responds well to that.

Danielle - posted on 05/11/2010

I hope he's not either Sarah. He doesn't whine. The worst problems I have with him is changing his diaper or if you take him away from something he is very involved in. That is our biggest issues. He just doesn't walk around and whine or anything like that.

Sarah - posted on 05/11/2010

I hope, Danielle, that he isn't whining the way my niece does when he's three!

Danielle - posted on 05/11/2010

THat's what I'm afraid of. He doesn't seem to listen to me and he slaps me or headbutts......

Sarah - posted on 05/11/2010

Well you start from the very beginning, it's just the methods change. I think that babies start being socialized from the moment they come home from the hospital. They can pick up from your body language, facial expression, and how you withdraw a bit that the whining isn't pleasant and no one wants to be around it. You can always say: Please don't use that voice, I don't like it, and even if each word isn't understood they certainly understand the general message. I've always said, no whining in this house. I do really hate it. This last Sunday we were at a family function and my three-year-old niece just wouldn't stop whining. Loudly. Her parents did reprimand her but I noticed it didn't make much of a dent and I wonder how they deal with it at home.

Danielle - posted on 05/11/2010

I tell him no. He needs to learn, when are you supposed to start....

Brittanie - posted on 05/11/2010

My son does the same thing, I just look at him and say in my regular voice that that is unacceptable behavior and he knows better.Then i just ignore it. I've done it so often that the minute i look at him and tell him that's it's unacceptable or uncalled for he stops.

Jo - posted on 05/10/2010

you've just reminded me - another phrase i picked up from a friend that i love "use your happy voice". ties in well with 'use your big words' and 'inside voice/outside voice'. they are never to young for you to set an example, or to explain what you want. they may be too young to do it, but they are learning all the time by watching and listening so i think you do have to start now, even if you don't think it will immediately achieve anything. we've been saying "use your big words" to DS since, well, basically since he was born! it helped us when he was tiny, made us laugh, and at least gave us something positive to say to the little worm when he was crying...

Karen - posted on 05/10/2010

All children are different, just try different tactics and find whats best for you and your child. When you do find what works, you must stick to it to keep consistency in their day.

Sarah - posted on 05/10/2010

No. I think that this is just too young for them to really be able to regulate their whining, crying, fussing, so it's pointless to hold them to the standard of behavior I would expect of a child at least two years old. I found that with my son, anyway, saying things like "I can't hear you when you whine like that," and "We'll talk about it when you're not whining." I ignored, but very pointedly. I.e. "I'm ignoring you." It hasn't been an issue with the 16-month-old. She hasn't done any fake-crying yet.

Lacy - posted on 05/10/2010

my sons father gets an immediate reaction when he says no. Unfortunately, i don't get the same reaction. Since everyone is differentand hasnt a different way of going about things, i scold,timeout, then ignore. of course not being 2 yet we are still learning the fundamentals of time out! thats when the ignoring comes in to play. hes so upset about timeout he forgets i said no in the first place!