how to explain death to a 17 month old

Nikki - posted on 06/24/2010

Hi Johnna,
My husband died 6 months ago when my 18 month old was a year. I have five other children of varying ages and each child has handled and responded to things differently.
With Reggie(my 18 month old) I regularly talk about his daddy and he still recognizes him in photos and will sometimes kiss it. They don't understand death at that age, but I just say that daddy is has gone to sleep in the sky forever as he was not well, this also works with my 5 year old, and as Reggie gets older I think it will be important for me to talk about his daddy that he won't remember, but lives on in him.
Hope that gives you a few idea's and good luck.
Nikki xxx

Rocio - posted on 06/21/2010

Hi! When mom died my daughter was 15 month old. What helped us was to let her say goodbye, in her way, to her grandma. If your son doesn´t say goodbye he´ll keep looking for her. I´m religious, but that didn´t help me a lot because she was too little to understand. Keep it more "real" to him, so he can find his own answer. Godd luck and sorry for your loss

Jennifer - posted on 06/20/2010

A 17m old has no concept of reality vs. fantasy and will not for a few more years. It is not something you explain. I would say ____ has gone to ____. We are religious and I would say grandma has gone to be with God. Even my 3 year old accepts that as enough. At this age beyond 3 word sentences and you have lost them.

Kim - posted on 06/20/2010

There is a book, "Freddy the Leaf." I remember my mom reading it to my sisters and me when we lost a sister to cancer. We were much older, the youngest of us 5, but I remember it helping me. I'm not sure that your son will fully understand, but reading the book with him may give you a starting point. My daughter is 18 months old, and I think that is where I would start if I needed to explain death to her. Sorry for the loss of your grandma, wish you well in a tough time

Jenni - posted on 06/19/2010

go out at night and pick the brightest star in the sky and tell him that that his gramma and she is watching down on you all but she cant come to visit anymore

Ricquel - posted on 06/17/2010

You don't. Just say she went bye bye. He won't understand anyway.

Nicole - posted on 06/15/2010

I dont know if my imput is needed here, but at 17 months, your child is really too young to understand anything you try to explain about death and heaven, angels or anything along those lines of never being able to see that person again.

Yes they will probably understand 'bye bye' or 'all gone' but working yourself up over what to do, wont really solve anything. Just keep saying she went bye-bye and eventually, he will stop looking for her. When he gets older, he will have been too young to remember any of it, so dont fret over what you need to tell him at this point in his life...

My sister was 2 when my Papa died, and she doesnt remember him at all.

Laurie - posted on 06/15/2010

Hi. I'm sorry for your loss. I read how you explained it, and it's great. Last month my kids (ages 18 mos and 3 1/2) lost their "pappa" (my father). I told them "pappa died and is now in heaven with baby Jesus" (they recognize baby Jesus more than God from Christmas, etc) and that "pappa is now their special angel in Heaven". I'm not sure how much they understand but for now it seemed to be appropriate.

Johnna - posted on 06/14/2010

Thanks again ladys for the wonderful advise, we are now in to the second week of her being gone, and we are holding on. He has seemed to adjust to going to my moms and not calling for her, so it's getting better. Sometime in the middle of the night you will hear him talking to someone but when you go in it's just him, so I wonder sometimes. We have tons of photos on the wall of her at my house and at my moms and we point to her and say who's that and he says nan so he still knows her

Louise - posted on 06/13/2010

UM GIVE HIM PHOTOS A 17 MONTH OLD ISNT GOING TO UNDERSTAND THAT SHES DIED HE WILL WEN HES LIKE 3 MAYBE 4 BUT PHOTOS ARE GOOD

Jennifer - posted on 06/13/2010

My heart breaks for your loss. No matter what the age i believe the truth is always the best. I know he is still little but explaining the truth at his level would be best then making up something and finding out it was untrue can be just as hard as reliving her passing.

Jennifer - posted on 06/10/2010

sorry for your loss i lost my grandpa last August and we told my children that he was watching over them from heaven. And if they pray papa would hear them and make sure they were safe no matter where they are. and we have lots of pictures of him up with them that they can look at and it works really well

Lauren - posted on 06/10/2010

explain heaven, pray with your little one, and bring him up in light and love and devote your life more to faith. He's too young to understand now.

Heather - posted on 06/07/2010

I know this doesnt compare to a gramma, but recently his best friend who was our kitten passed and he still is looking for her... We just told him God wanted a kitten so she went and lived with him and went bye bye. It's really sad.

Erin - posted on 06/07/2010

I am so sorry for your loss! My 18 month old's Great gramma just passed away this weekend, they weren't as close, but he understands "All gone," and "bye bye," and we're raising him in a Christian household so what I have been telling him is that she's "all gone" b/c she "went bye bye to live with Jesus." and he says "didah bye bye." "Didah" is his word for Gramma. Since he uses that word for his own gramma, my mom, I corrected him and explained that "Didah's mama went bye bye" and he said "mama bye bye," and I just agreed that "yes, didah's mama went bye bye to live with Jesus."

How ever you choose to explain it, keep it really simple and try not to make it a bad thing. I think it's ok to tell him he she loves him.

He's to young to understand Death and illness and stuff. I'm trying to avoid telling my son that my Gramma was sick and that's why she "went bye bye" because I'm worried about what he'll think the next time someone he loves gets a cold.

Edit: I just finished reading the thread and saw how you chose to explain things to your son and it's really beautiful. My boy loves stars too and I think it's beautiful that you gave him a permanent place where he can "see" his nana. You're a wonderful mommy, Johnna!

Johnna - posted on 06/07/2010

Thank you everyone for your great advise, I'm going to take him with me my sisters are going to be there to help, and we explained to him that his great nan is now a star and is watching over him and his cousins. I think he somewhat understands, because he points to the stars when ever we go out at night and says nan, nan, nan so I think it will be okay. He still looks for her when we go to my moms and calls for her but, as long as we help him remember that she is his angel then I think it will be okay.

Rhianna - posted on 06/06/2010

i took my bub to her aunts funeral, she was a horror and wanted to steal the limelight but she really didn't know any difference. for a bub, they don't understand heaven or death. they really just understand bye-byes and gone. so maybe your gramma has gone bye-byes to a big icecream shop or playground. sorry to hear that you have lost a loved one. just remember, every day it will hurt less. celebrate her life,

Naomi - posted on 06/03/2010

I'm so sorry for your loss. My friends explained to their young children that their great grandma was with the angels in the sky and in a long time they may see her again and they would tell me that same thing back, so I guess they sort of understood.

Naila - posted on 06/03/2010

Are you religious at all? You could always try to explain it to him in a religious sort of way but I am not sure if he can fully comprehend that concept at such a young age.