how to tell my mother-n-law to back off and let us breathe?

Amber - posted on 03/10/2010

Your husband needs to be part of this decision. You tell him how you feel and he should stand up to is mom, but out of the most respect. He my feel like he is in the middle which that is not a fun feeling. If you told your mother-in law how you feel that should be good enough and if that didn't work go to your husband again and work out a compromise where both win. You guys can do every other weekend. Compromise usually never fails. I am not a grand parent, but I can tell grand parents share something pretty amazing with the grand-kids like no other love. good luck!

Heather - posted on 03/08/2010

thanks..i really appriciate your response..its nice to know im not the only one going crazy..:o) i just want to see (on paper) where is says that g-prarents get to spoil the kid and send them home??? who come up with that? this is whats wrong with lids today...g-parents let them do as thay please and have no repect for their parents...this may sound mean and hateful but im not affraid to keep them from thier g-kids if they dont respect me as a parent...

Melissa - posted on 02/25/2010

I totally hear what you are saying and i have a similar problem. I work second shift and my husband works first shift/seasonal work, hes off in the winter unless it snows (wisconsin). Anyway, we live in a duplex owned by his parents and grandparents. which gives them the idea that they can come over ANY time they want, and take my son, which if im at work i have no say because our babysitter is my mother-in-laws mom so she doesnt say no to her daughter. I come home at night not knowing what my child did all day or where he was, and sometimes my husband is at home and our son is at his parents because he tells me, my mom wanted to spend time with our son, which gives my husband time to still be a bachelor/ single guy to have fun and do whatever he wants without the responsiblility of a child to worry about. And in respect for my husband and how hard he works i make sure that one night a week he does have a babysitter, my parents pick up my son when they are done with work and i pick him up when im done with work from their house. this is basically the only night they see their grandson because of my schedule not fitting with theirs and when the weekends come we are so busy. I've tried telling my husband that he needs to stand up and be a daddy and tell his parents to just be grandparents because when he comes home from their house the rules are different than at home and hes naughty for me. I too am at a loss as to what to say because i do get along with my mother-in-law and im glad shes available to spend time with him, but i think they were too young when they had their children, so they are trying to make up what they missed with my son, and thats not fair to him, he has one set of parents, he doesnt need another, we are doing the best we can but they try to take over and i have never delt well with someone coming behind me and changing what ive set to what they think will work better (maybe for them but not for me) so i really dont know what to tell you but im on your side. its not fair.

Natasha - posted on 02/25/2010

How annoying for you. It sounds like she needs some girlfriends to hang out with her own age. Maybe try and get her focus on other things that might interest her, like a local club etc.

I'm lucky my in-laws are not hands on grandparents. My Mother & her Husband have really bonded with my son. I have told them weekends are for my Husband & I to have some family time together, as he works all week and doesn't get to spend much time with our son. If i didn't make that rule, they would be pestering us all the time.

Pinky - posted on 02/24/2010

hello heather, i know what you feel... it's still good that she lives a few doors down, mine lives with us, :) [because my husband is an only child]... it is really a "one in a million" chance that we, daughters-in-law, get along well with our mothers-in-law especially when it comes to our children (her grandchildren) and even sometimes when it comes to our husband (her son).
what i can share is that, there is no exact formula to solve this, because all our in-laws are different individuals. what is applicable to mine may not be applicable to yours.

but still, trying to let her know what you feel is the best way to slowly address the issue. me, i do it through my husband. with my husband i can tell him all what i'm feeling without any hesitations and it's up to him to convey it to my mother-in-law. why? because he knows her well more, than me. and he knows what type of approach to make or how to let her be aware of my feelings so that my concerns would be perceived or accepted positively.

anyways, just ask for guidance and more patience from God. In time, you will surpass this. me? still praying for guidance and more patience, because i know that there will be more issues that will come and needs to be resolved. God Bless...

Diane - posted on 02/19/2010

Any time!!! Sometimes it's just nice to talk to someone and get an outside view!!

Heather - posted on 02/18/2010

thanks diane, its nice to talk to someone who understands what im going through. sometimes i feel like im the only one who cares about hunters well being and how he will be raised. i mean brandon is from a very very small town with very very small town values and i dont really care for his way of dicipline which is yell and if that dont work whoop them. i remind him all the time hunter is 14 months old he is new in this world and he learns what we teach and i dont want him to think that yelling is how you solve problems. ive taken all the child care classes and im working on my CDA right now and the things that are taught in that class makes sense. yes i believe in spanking your child but only for a good reason. not silly stuff like pulling stuff off a shelf. i dont know maybe i can work this out, but his mom likes to cause drama. for instance, brandon started working nights and my girlfriend came over in her new car and brandons mom called him at work wanting to know who drives a cadilac, he told her he didnt care he trusted me. or the time last summer when hunter was 5 months old she wanted to take him out on the lake in a boat. i told her i was not comfortable with it so she went to brandon and asked. he asked her what did i say and she told him and he said well, if his mother doesnt want him on the lake in a boat then dont go behind her back and asked me. so he does take up for me alot when she does stuff like that. thanks so much for listening! :o)

Diane - posted on 02/18/2010

I'm so sorry to hear all that Heather!!! That's really rough! I think I would still talk to her and just say "Look you may have done some things you regret and feel like you need to make up with Brandon....But you have nothing to pruve with Hunter. And as his Mom I feel it would be in his best intrests to spend more quiet time in his home with his Mommy and Daddy. And also to have ground rules.....the same rules he follows at home need to also apply at Grandmas." At the risk of being a bitch, stand up for what you know to be right. Your hubby may be pissed at you now....but just tell him youre trying to be the best Mom you know how to be and you feel smothered sometimes. I would ask him what he would have liked his mom to be like growing up....I'll bet he'll tell you he would have liked her to be more like you....and when things get out of hand gently remind him of that. And remind him that his mom is human too....and beacuse of that cannot walk on water. If you need to talk I'll help you out if I can!!! Even if it's just to vent!!!

Heather - posted on 02/18/2010

diane- its hard for hunter to visit with his other g-parents. my dad and brandons dad are truck drivers so their gone all the time and we live 35 miles from all of our family except for brandons mom. i dont know what to do?'

Heather - posted on 02/18/2010

see my hubbys mom ran out on him when he was 7...she came back around when he was 20. so now that we've had hunter she is trying to make up what she did to brandon thru hunter...which drives me crazy. she doesnt have to make up anything to hunter its brandon she ran out on...but brandon is just happy to have her back that anything she does or says is ok. ive tried to talk to him but he dont listen. he just gets mad because i said something about his precious mom. my son is 14 months old and i hate the way he acts when he comes form over there. its like i spend all week teaching right from wrong then he goes over there and gets away with murder. its driving a wedge in our marriage.

Diane - posted on 02/18/2010

i battle with my mom on this one. I agree...you are not beaing selfish, and just tell her as gently as you can how you feel. Remind her that you enjoy spending time with your baby and hubby just as much as she did when your hubbs was small. And that your family time is very imporant to you. Maybe lay out a schedule of visiting with her and visiting with Hunters other Grandparents. Don't let her talk you into anythign youre not okay with....remeber ultimately YOU ARE THE MOMMY!!

Christina - posted on 02/16/2010

I know exactly how you feel. My husband and I live with my Mother-In-Law. We've been trying to make sure our daughter doesn't start the "I want to be held all the time" thing. But my daughter is her only grandchild and she never had a daughter, so sometimes she acts like my daughter is her daughter. It drives me nuts. It's like we don't have a say in how our daughter is raised. But I don't know how to bring the situation up without hurting her feelings.

Heather - posted on 02/14/2010

Thanks Brittanie...i'll give that a try! :o)

Brittanie - posted on 02/13/2010

You are definately not being selfish but the best way to deal with it is just to tell her directly that the other members of the family he has would like a chance to spend weekends with him as well. maybe set up one weekend a month where she is guarenteed to be able to spend time with him. If she doesn't like it, tough, it's your child.She may not even realize that it's bothering you - alot of moms would love to have every weekend free so hopefully once you explain it to her she'll back off.