when is an acceptable age?

Christi - posted on 01/11/2010

thank you to all the mothers who helped me out. i believe in spanking as a punshiment, i have tried the time outs and the redirection and it does not work for my child. there are things that he has to learn are dangerous and to stay away from and if i cannot get it through to him through other methods, then i will use spanking. i do not use anything such as a belt or switch as i see that as child abuse. thank you for all the opinions and i am sorry if we do not all see eye to eye. my mother spanked me and i turned out fine, i respect and love my mother more than anything in this world.

idalyn, i am so happy your methods have worked for you, but not all children are perfect as your children must be. they act up and they get into things that could potentianlly lead to them getting hurt or sick, ie oven, trash, fireplace, ect. thank you for your opinion though and i am glad your have such wonderful children.

Idalyn - posted on 01/11/2010

First of all, I didnt mean to portray that I think you all dont love your children. Clearly you do, otherwise you wouldnt be so strong in your parenting techniques. I am not saying that the toddler is feeling these stong emotions at that exact moment but if continued further into their childhood it could lead to such strong emotions.

With my experience within childrens aid as staff I have seen many cases of exactly what I was speaking of. Again hitting a child regardless of the age only makes them fear the consequence of not doing what they are told. I personally do not believe in this method. Spanking is not a necessary method f parenting, I have worked in many daycare settings before going into social work and I would never have even thought about spanking another persons child while in my care, and if I couldnt imagine doing to another persons child why the hell would I do it to my own???
Just because one child does not grow up with these feeling, does not mean that many others do not. A child can gain a sense of structure from other disipline techniques other then spanking. I of all people understand a childs need for structure but again how would they learn this from being harmed?
I am not trying to say you dont have good relationships with your parents, you may agree with it because thats all you know. Spanking does not work for all children, and should be illegal. No child deserves to be spanked.
What feelings to you honestly think your child is experiencing after being spanked? and how is spanking not teaching your child that hitting is an appropriate outlet when they experience an action that is not wanted.

As for my children, my 5 1/2 year old is a wonderful child. Is she perfect, not by any means but she has been raised to work out issues with conversation and time outs to allow her to control her own actions not that mommy is going to hit her if she doesnt listen.

Stacy - just because you dont agree with my methods does not mean that my children are any less adjusted. Even though I have my ECE, I am a great mother. I have never had concerns with any of their behaviour. And I for one would never make such horrific comments regarding someones child. I have an education with working with children and was offering alternatives to help distract a child, I do not see this as being "hippi methods" I would refer to it as being a responsible parent. I am interested in what kind of education your opinions are steming from...

Sherry - posted on 01/11/2010

I agree with you two, Stacey and Kit. I haven't spanked my own son yet, but I also do not agree with Idalyn's idealistic point of view. I have a BA and B.Ed and have worked in education for 10 years, so I know about using other disciplinary techniques. But I am also not going to judge others for spanking their children when they feel it is necessary. We're not talking child abuse here, we're talking giving a child a bit of a spanking when they do something that is outright defiance and can harm themselves or others.

Like I said, I have not spanked my own son yet, however, my parents used spanking with myself and my siblings when the situation called for it. We even got the belt on the rare, especially serious situation. I did NOT grow up with feelings of fear, shame or rage, and did NOT feel betrayed by my parents. Instead, I grew up knowing I could trust my parents word (we always got warnings first). If they told us to do or not do something, it was for a reason, and if they gave us a warning and we didn't listen, they would always follow through. It also gave us a sense of structure and routine, knowing there were rules we were expected to follow. Children, even very young ones, need that sense of structure and routine as well.

I can tell you I have a close relationship with my parents today, and certainly do not harbour any negative feelings toward them at all. I know when I got a spanking, I deserved it, and I think my upbringing has made me the conscientious and respectful person I am today.

Caiti - posted on 01/10/2010

Thanks Kit! I agree whole heartedly with your response.

Kit - posted on 01/10/2010

Well I don't have an ECE or a degree in Social Work, but I DO have 4 healthy well loved kids so from my own 15 years of parental experience I can share the opinion that distraction/redirection DOES NOT ALWAYS WORK. Yes it is a valuable tool and can be successfully used for many situations but some situations and indeed some children require more. My children are all so incredibly different in their styles or learning and their development that what works for one often has no effect for another. If that is so even within my family, all raised with the same rules/environment etc then how on earth can one method be expected to work for every child on the planet? My advice on spanking is simple, start when YOU (the ultimate and best trained judge of your child’s needs/development) feel your child understands you and the situation and when you feel it is appropriate.

Stacy - posted on 01/10/2010

IDALYN-

ARE YOU KIDDING ME? I have NEVER seen a child be "left in feelings of fear, shame, rage,which could lead to feelings hostility, self-destructiveness and betrayal that they can't yet resolve or manage in years to follow" from hand spanking...WHERE DO YOU GET THIS CRAP FROM? Telling a child NO or hand spanking or both DOES TEACH THEM RIGHT FROM WRONG AND NOT TO DO WHAT THEY JUST DID AGAIN...SERIOUSLY I PRAY TO GOD YOUR CHILD DOES NOT GROW UP TO BE A JUVENILE DELINQUENT, THIEF, MURDERER ETC...DUE TO YOUR SAND/WATER/SNOW TABLE HIPPIE WAYS

Idalyn - posted on 01/10/2010

Are you people kidding me??? A one year old developementally does not understand spanking or hitting hands.
The message a toddler gets from a slap or spanking is that a parent or other loved and trusted adult is prepared to induce pain and even do physical harm to force unquestioning obedience. That's terrifying to a small child...Even though parents act out of good-intentions, a slap registers as the shattering of the whole deal between parent and child. Young children are often left in feelings of fear, shame, rage,which could lead to feelings hostility, self-destructiveness and betrayal that they can't yet resolve or manage in years to follow.
As a parent it is our responsibility to keep an eye on our child, although I can understand it isnt always an easy thing to do while other things around the house need to be done. Put the child in a high chair and allow them to explore different textures, put out a sand/water table with snow in it, there are about one million different things a one year old would love to be involved in. As for time out, when I read this I though "what is this mother thinking?" this is an inappropriate was of handling this situation. Again a one year old does not understand time out, they cant tell you what they have done wrong or can they know not to do it again. At one, a child is wanting to explore their surroundings, as a parent make it safe and if a chile does attempt something unsafe simply distracting them with something that is will do the trick everytime. I speak from experience as I have my ECE and a degree in Social Work,
The only time I would ever clearly state the word "NO" would be a severe safety concern, such as hot oven, or electrical outlet, etc.

Stacy - posted on 01/08/2010

My son has been getting his hand spanked since he was 10 -11 months old. It teaches then to not touch BAD THINGS like a fireplace glass which would potentially be hot, , and many other things

Melissa - posted on 01/08/2010

Well.. I can't tell you to slap your child's hand because I am in the childcare field. But.. I will tell you that re-direction works best for my center of infants and toddlers. If he is doing something such as touching the buttons on the television turn the tv off and get him interested in something else.. Swatting his hand isn't going to show him anything at the age of 1.

Elizabeth - posted on 01/08/2010

clearly...your swatting isnt working. Time to try another approach with him. I'm sure he hasnt the slightest idea why you just hit him. He is a 1 yr old and his reasoning skills are limited to ..."I want this" and ..."I want this or I will cry"

Talk to him, tell him,as you already do that it is a no no. Then perhaps distract him with something else. Just like their reasoning skills..their attention spans are almost zero. It's safe to say they have the reasoning capaiblities and attention span of a gnat.

Pam - posted on 01/07/2010

It is perfectly acceptable to swat a toddler's hand when they are doing something that can hurt them, but only after you have tried redirection a couple of times. Time out may work, but not because the toddler can understand. At this age, all they know is something was bad, but they don't know what. If you are able to give them something to distract, you will be more relaxed and they will be happy with whatever you give them.

Jennifer - posted on 01/06/2010

at this age they just don't understand. Even if it REALLY looks like they do. (the looking right at you and then doing it just means he heard you, doesn't mean he understood you, KWIM?)I just remove them from the situation and say no... and then childproof everything and/or block off what I don't want him getting to.

Time outs worked for my daughter at a year old when she was hitting. Jake bites, but mostly when he's teething or he's hungry and thinks any bare skin on anyone is a breast. lol

I have been known to tap his hand for touching the laptop, and the garbage can.. One is expendsive and the other is dirty. lol

Sama - posted on 01/06/2010

My son does the same thing. We will say no and he'll turn, look at us and continue to do whatever it is he's doing. I will try the time out today!
Thank You.

Ashley - posted on 01/05/2010

My son turned 1 December 12th...We have been spatting his hand for a little over a month now. I think when you tell them no and they are able to stop, smile at you, and do it again, then its time b/c they surely know what they are doing!

Kate - posted on 01/05/2010

My son just turned a year old on xmas eve and I've been swatting his thigh right below his diaper for months. He is perfectly aware that there are certain things he shouldnt do ie stand in HIS chair(a little arm chair grammy got him) with the aid of swatting his lil rump now all I have to do is say eeehhhh SIT and on the butt he lands. It took about 4 or 5 rounds of 2 or 3 swats to his thigh before the point was gotten. The point is that he did get the point. I knew when he started to understand and defy that was the time to start "spanking".

Nicole - posted on 01/03/2010

I only swat my son's hand when it's a safety issue, like touching the (covered) outlets or reaching up for the knobs on the stove. He knows what "No" means, he usually listens, but when he doesn't and it's not a safety issue I just remove him from the situation and give him something acceptable to do. I worked at a daycare with 14-24 month olds and we would put them in time out when they misbehaved, but they thought it was a game. It's hard to sit one in the corner and make him stay there when you've got 11 other kids running around, and some that want to keep the offender company! I think at this age a swat on the hand might get the message across better than time out, I don't think they understand time out. From my experience working at the daycare time out works better when they hit 2 and 3. At this age I think it works better to redirect. Say he's throwing his toys. Tell him "We don't throw toys" and take them away. Tell him "If you want to throw things, here is your ball, you may throw that" and give him a ball. That way he still gets to do what he wants (throw things) but it's in a more acceptable manner (balls instead of toys).

Natasha - posted on 01/02/2010

We have had to start Time out. Our son kept going into the kitchen drawers/cupboards. I got sick of saying "no" and doing the 'look' and he kept on playing with them. All last week, everytime I said "no" I would see if he did it again. After the second "no" I took him to his room, sat him on the floor and shut the door (30 secs). He did not understand what was happening at first until I had done it for the whole day. This week he has not touched the drawers. He now knows what "no" means. I can tell you it was a major hassle having to take him to his room all the time. But it did not take long to get him to understand. He has also never cried with this type of punishment and I have also felt more empowered as a mother. Give it a try...it really does work