Just filed and terrified

[deleted account] ( 9 moms have responded )

I didn't want a divorce.
He did. He says he isn't happy. We have never cheated, we just bought a house, i am a stay home mom and I have no money. The recession has made finding a job impossible! I have to sleep next to him what am I supposed to do?

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Amy - posted on 05/03/2009

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My husband and I still loved each other when we split- we weren't fighters, didn't cheat, any of that. It was horrendously hard for me, I was embarassed and miserable for a while, but things did get easier. I think it helps because we still have a really good relationship. We didn't name call or get hateful with each other, and we both try to do things that are in the best interest of the kids. Keep your head up, and be super reassuring and positive to your kids, even if you are feeling miserable. Kids take on a lot of the aspects of divorce without ever saying anything- they are hurting too.

Tammy - posted on 04/02/2009

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yes it is the hardest thing i think you will have to go through, i have been divorced for almost 3 years now and still not getting any better. he makes my life a living hell and it is still hard for my daughter who is 16. we have joint custody so she is back and forth all the time i think it is harder for the kids in the whole situation. just remember that you need to get out if your not happy i did it and yes it is hard to start on your own. feel free to talk to me whenever you want to. i am always online .

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Jen - posted on 10/12/2010

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#1 don't sleep next to him! he made his bed now let him lie in it...alone!
#2 you stay at home...use that time to do some research, search "divorce" plus your state. it will tell you some good hard facts that will be handy....child support laws, alimony! custody, placement, etc
#3 Kick him out of the house! If he wants a divorce let him live it and see if that's what he really wants. The first time, 2 wks before Christmas, my soon-to-be ex told me he wanted a divorce he said he wanted to stay in the house while until it was finished. I said hell no, so when he said he wanted it a 2nd time, mid January, I told him fine and he was out by the end of the month!
#4 you are going to go thru the stages of grief! Sadness...I cried at work for days just by looking at pics of my kids! Anger! Real intense anger! I'm missing one here...but then there is acceptance. It took me about 4 months to get to acceptance.
#5 Look up lawyers and go talk to one...or better ask friends if anyone knows of a good divorce lawyer...mine is a friend of a friends lawyer. They should be able to tell you some basics without a charge.
#6 Start socking away cash! Take an extra $20 out every time you go grocery shopping, etc. Hide it and don't tell a soul. do this for as long as you possibly can...even if you get back together and don't go thru with it, do this and be prepared in the future.
#7 Open your own checking account. Keep your hidden cash separate still. All money will have to be disclosed and might be split between you two.
#8 Open your own credit card (if you dare...don't let this get you in financial trouble...just do it to establish your own idenity/credit).
Even if you reconcile with him...these are good things to do! Be you're own person with or without him. Be able to stand on your own two feet with or without him. You'll be a better person and you'll be prepared.
I never thought I'd get divorced! I didn't ask for it either...but his TRUE colors have come out as a result of this and we were married 10 years! I will be better off ...someday. I got 3 days until it's final! (hopefully) good luck!

Shivangi - posted on 09/13/2010

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I went through a similar situation. It is terrifying I know..but this is the time to think and be smart. Make a list of all the assessts you have together, the valuables, everything. Once you leave the house, you will not be able to put your hand on it. You will have to try very hard to find a job...think of alternatives if you can't find a job or if it doesn't pay enough. Please make adequate inquiries to figure out what life might be like on ur own. Sleeping next to him, find a different room so u dont have to. I am sure if you bought a house, there might be a separate room whre he or ur can stay. Get ur support team and start using them for support and helping you get a job. It is a must have from the start. A good support team will help you get through the most toughest part. Good luck. I hope that you get the strength to make the right decisions and courage to withstand all the tough situations. Hugs.

Mallory - posted on 04/22/2010

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I am preparing to file myself. I live in NY, so in this state you have to be seperated for a year before you can file for divorce (we don't have a no-fault divorce here). I am scared crapless but I refuse to be miserable anymore.

Vanessa - posted on 11/23/2009

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When I went through my divorce it was because I wanted it. It didn't make it any easier, but I didn't love him. When we met I was in college in a little bitty town and I worked at a bar. Needless to say it was in the peak of our party years and we never knew each other sober until I got pregnant. We got married at that point. When I grew up and he didn't it made things hard. I gave it 3 years.
The best advice I can give you is to not sleep next to him. Take yourself and your children to a family or friends house for a while until you can get yourself together. In my situation, because I was the one who asked for the divorce I was the one who found a new place to live. If your husband wants this so much he shouldn't want to sleep next to you. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh, but it would make me wonder if he really wants this or if he is just creating some drama.
You are going to be ok. It may not feel like it at first, but you will be fine. My ex-husband and I wrote the custody agreement together to make it easier on my daughter. I don't know if that is a possibility for you, but I have learned that when he tries to be a dick I can remind him that he had a voice in the whole thing too.
If you are on his insurance you will stay there for some time according to your state. If you can get in to talk to a family counselor then do so. Cry as much as you need to and lean on those who love you. Pray hard. Make smart decisions and you will come out on the good end of all the bad.

Laura - posted on 10/26/2009

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I am going through a divorce STILL after 2 years later.. Liksha..Like you. An affair. I was recovering from an operation when it was going on.. I started packing when I was better.. I couldnt all of a sudden stand the sound of his voice. Lost all respect for him.. three days after I moved out.. He moved the woman into the family home and all my stuff wasnt even out yet. Very cruel!
Rebecca... Slap down a bit of cash.. and have a consultation with a lawyer on your rights. It will help you put things together in your head. Dont make moves until you have a plan put together.
Alot of stress.. Great weight loss program but thats about it. :(
- Laura

Liksha - posted on 10/13/2009

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I'm going through my divorce right now. this dude has the nerve to cahnge the locks and have the girlfriend trying to be me.

[deleted account]

I am going through the same thing. It is not easy, especialy when you still want to be a family with that person. I filed on Jan. 20th I believe, it was the hardest thing that I've ever done. But he doesn't want to be with me. He wants his freedom. I didn't want to make him be married to someone he doesn't want to be with. I almost think maybe if I would have left him alone for a month or 2 maybe he would have opened his eyes. If you would like someone to chat to about this. Let me know. I hope everything is going good for you right now.

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