Do you let your baby cry it out or pick them up still?

Chasity - posted on 04/14/2010 ( 27 moms have responded )

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My lil girl is 6 1/2 months old and she just crys when we dont play with her, she is not hungry, or tired, but she crys if you look at her, should we let her cry it out or pick her up so she stops, I have been leting her cry for awhile and then she will stop but her dad wants to pick her up. She is usually a happy baby, playing and trying to crawl and sitting up. Let me know what you are doing.

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Alicia - posted on 04/15/2010

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I think people take the phrase "Cry it out" to a very literal sense that makes it seem like torturing your baby. Cry it out does not mean ignoring your child or their needs...it means teaching them that they are capable of doing things themselves...versus doing everything for them. My best friends daughter never crawled because her mom got EVERYTHING FOR HER...she was a very smart baby a realized that "if I cry, my mom will come running to get me the toy" versus her learning how to get it herself. The cry it out method is obviously a very controversial topic in parenting...but I do not coddle my son. He cries and I come to him, but I do not pick him up...I show him that he can do things on his own...or when he is asleep and he cries, I will play with his hair until he calms down. There is not any less of a bond. If I would not have let him cry it out [[which I really don't even believe is truely "Crying it out" because he is in no way ignored]] he would never become confident enough to attempt to crawl or go to other people. I think it is so funny that people quote doctors and peds but in actuality different doctors will say different things...and the CIO method actually refers to the method of putting a baby to sleep...training a baby to fall asleep on their own...so I should rephrase what I meant about letting him cry it out at 2-3 months...he would play on the floor and start to whine and cry even when I was right there with him playing...so I would soothe him and eventually he became comfortable with playing on the floor by himself. I never picked him up...I did not do the Official CIO method until he was 5 months and was starting to sleep through the night...



If it was not healthy, it would not be a recommended method for getting a baby to sleep through the night...To quote Dr. Robert Ferber [[the creator of the method]] "A young child cannot yet understand what is best for him, and he may cry if he does not get what he wants," Ferber writes. "If he wanted to play with a sharp knife, you would not give it to him no matter how hard he cried, and you would not feel guilty or worry about psychological consequences. Poor sleep patterns are also harmful for your child and it is your job to correct them."



I did do some rearch and I want to stress that what method is right for you and you child is up to you!!! It is all about doing the research and finding what you are comfortable with. I found this website that explains that that Ferbering is not as harsh as the cannotation of "Cry it out" has become...



[[Contrary to the nasty connotations of the term “cry it out”, his method does not involve you heartlessly placing your baby in the crib and leaving him to cry. Rather, you begin with a warm and loving bedtime routine. You then place Baby in the crib awake and leave him for gradually longer periods (even if he’s crying) so he can learn to fall asleep on his own. Ferber has a chart of “progressive waiting” times, during which you can comfort the baby with pats on the back, but cannot pick up or feed the baby.



The main knock against the Ferber method has been that it diminishes a baby’s sense of security and leads to a lack of intimacy. In reality, his method has been misconstrued - it offers considerably more soothing of the baby than the “cry it out” name implies. While some parents may have interpreted Ferber’s method as approval for leaving a crying baby alone, that was never his intent. In fact, he heartily disapproves of parents placing a baby in a crib and leaving her to cry for long periods.



Rather, Ferber’s method was designed to avoid unnecessary crying and to provide comfort to the baby. By being there to soothe the child, you provide reassurance as the baby trains herself to fall asleep. His concept of progressive waiting enables you to leave Baby only when you feel ready.]]

http://www.professorshouse.com/family/ch...



I personally decided to attempt this method because I read about it in WHAT TO EXPECT IN THE FIRST YEAR...do whatever you feel is right...but please please do not let people make you feel as though you are heartless if you do choose this method...keep in mind, the time that the method is emotionally scarring for a child, it is probably being done incorrectly and people are taking the phrase "cry it out" too literally!



Good luck!

Alicia - posted on 04/14/2010

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I went with the cry it out method...my son is very perceptive as most babies are...he knows if he cries I will pick him up! So I started to let him play by himself so that he can build some confidence and some independence. I don't believe that letting a baby cry brings about any less of a bond...BABIES CRY! It is what they do...I think it is really about knowing your baby. My son for instance, will scream if he is really agitated and a cry usually means hungry. He will whine when he is tired and show other signs...but on the floor it is a fake cry! Babies for the most part, up to a certain age, will cry out of necessity...but eventually need to learn how to play and interact with themselves and other children. To get Jaylen to start playing without crying...I put him on the floor ((before he started crawling and sitting)) and would play with him...then after a few minutes, I would get up and let him continue to play by himself. He was so into all of his toys, he did not realize I was gone....now alllll he wants to do is play! He is on the floor playing for most of the day! Not that there is anything wrong with walkers and bouncers, but I am also not a fan of either b/c I think teaching a baby to crawl and walk is even more entertaining for them. My son gets a kick out of being able to pull himself to standing! I even used the cry it out method for getting him to sleep through the night...I never let him cry it out cold turkey...I just let him cry for about 5 minutes and then soothed him [[NEVER PICKING HIM UP]]...let him cry for 10 minutes then soothed him...he went to sleep after that...it was two night of that and we were golden! He slept all the way through the night! It is so hard to hear a baby cry but babies don't cry out of necessity [[for food]] at night...but instead out of habit. I always let him know that I am there for him! I was told that about 7 months babies develop separation anxiety because they are starting to explore more...so I am always around and touching and giving him kisses...I just do not do all of the carrying. I would never get anything done if that was the case!



I decided to start letting him cry it out when he was 2-3 months and he would cry instantly whenever I would give him to anybody but my husband. He could not bond with anyone else, he was just attached to me. I knew I could not just keep giving him to people and make them hold hm until he would stop crying...because eventually, they would give him back! I just let him play on the floor with all of his toys and then he started to love when other people would pick him up! He even started to reach for other people and I can leave him in the daycare at church without problems...alllllll because I decided to let him be more independent and got him use to being on his own and it did take letting him cry for a little bit!



I found a great website for information by accident:



http://baby.healthguru.com/content/video...

Renee - posted on 04/18/2010

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I dont let my daughter CIO but i dont pick her up either. If she is constantly picked up she will learn that that is how to get attention. Instead i lay on the floor with her and tell her stories, play with her toys and then if she still wont settle i'll pick her up but its NEVER the first thing that i'd do.

Emily - posted on 04/15/2010

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my daugthter is the same way..i try to let her cry but shes very stubborn and never stops...ive seen myself let her cry for an hr trying to get some house work done lol and she never ever ever stops haha. you never get anything accopplished when u pick them up all the time so let her cry but when it gets out of hand thats when u need to do something.., hope everything goes well

Betty - posted on 04/15/2010

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I think this is the stage now where they crave attention from parents as they're recognising people more. My daughter is the same. I can't leave her alone for one sec.



So what I do is just put her in a baby seat if I need to do things and put her where she can see me. This way, she'll fuss alittle but will soon stop when she realises that you're still around. I also do the same where I talk to her by saying I'm coming in a sec.



Usually as long as I'm in the same room and she can see me, she's quite content to play on her own.



To just let her cry makes me feel very guilty.

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Chasity - posted on 04/22/2010

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Thanks everyone She is starting to army crawl she is so close to crawling her doc said she is really advanced for her age, so she is doing really good and i dont let her CIO if she is on the floor playing and srarts to cry i will let her go for a lil and if she dont stop i just play with her and then she is fine.

Stephanie - posted on 04/22/2010

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I hate letting my lo cry but when they pang for your attention like that its the only thing that works isnt it...My lo goes to nursery now so hes kinda learned that he isnt the only one there n therefore wont have undivided attention from people!

Vidyut - posted on 04/22/2010

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>>>My best friends daughter never crawled because her mom got EVERYTHING FOR HER...she was a very smart baby a realized that "if I cry, my mom will come running to get me the toy" versus her learning how to get it herself.



Have you heard of things like hypotonia or development delays? They have nothing to do with whether you pamper your child or not.



>>>He cries and I come to him, but I do not pick him up...I show him that he can do things on his own...or when he is asleep and he cries, I will play with his hair until he calms down. There is not any less of a bond. If I would not have let him cry it out [[which I really don't even believe is truely "Crying it out" because he is in no way ignored]] he would never become confident enough to attempt to crawl or go to other people. I think it is so funny that people quote doctors and peds but in actuality different doctors will say different things...and the CIO method actually refers to the method of putting a baby to sleep...training a baby to fall asleep on their own...so I should rephrase what I meant about letting him cry it out at 2-3 months...he would play on the floor and start to whine and cry even when I was right there with him playing...so I would soothe him and eventually he became comfortable with playing on the floor by himself. I never picked him up...I did not do the Official CIO method until he was 5 months and was starting to sleep through the night... >"A young child cannot yet understand what is best for him, and he may cry if he does not get what he wants," Ferber writes. "If he wanted to play with a sharp knife, you would not give it to him no matter how hard he cried, and you would not feel guilty or worry about psychological consequences. Poor sleep patterns are also harmful for your child and it is your job to correct them."

Jessica - posted on 04/21/2010

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i believe in balance. if i were you, i wouldn't let her CIO but i wouldn't jump to her aid every single second either. give her the opportunity to to do it herself and try helping her and if she continues to show fear/distress, then i would pick her up and tend to her. i'm totally against CIO in the sense of ignoring babies, b/c that's what a lot of people think CIO is. i've never let my baby CIO once but i also allow her to do things herself. like i said, it's all about balance.

Sarah - posted on 04/21/2010

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My daughter will be seven months old next week. I am very aware of which sounds she makes means which need she needs met. A loud screaming cry means she is in pain (teething or gassy, etc.). In this case, I pick her up immediately and try different things to soothe her pain (teething rings, oral gel, Mylicon drops for gas). I try not to let her get hungry to the point of crying, so usually a little bit of fussy noise means she is hungry, and of course I tend to that need immediately. Whimpering and whining means she is tired, along with rubbing her eyes. When she is bored or just wants to be held she screams like an adult would scream out of fear. In this case, I try just to sit on the floor beside her and read a book or show her toys, so she knows I'm there but also that she doesn't always have to be held. This doesn't mean I NEVER hold my baby. Of course I hold her quite frequently actually, but I also think it is important that she learn to play by herself sometimes. She will also have a loud screaming cry when she is scared. She has had stranger anxiety since she was around 3 and a half months old. She is very attached to me because I am a stay at home mom, with her everyday and all day. Of course when she was three months old and would scream in someone's arms, I would take her. But my mistake was continuing to take her when she would fuss in with other people. Eventually, they have to be able to be with other people. Now I let her fuss with other people to a certain extent. I know she wants me and it breaks my heart when she looks at me with those sad eyes, but I will be returning to school in May, and do not want her to be miserable with her Nana everyday. So we are working on getting her used to other people. To do that, there has to be a limited amount of crying involved because of course she will not like it at first.

I just have to say one more thing I want to address. People come her to seek advice and help with their problems. Every child and parent is in a different situation, has different needs, and different personalities and opinions. I feel like some of the replies on here are downright rude. Rudeness has no place in an online support group for moms. Give respectful advice, judge in your head (because everyone does it) not in you post, and most importantly have compassion in everything you say. I pretty much posted just so I could say that. Peace :)

[deleted account]

Pick her up and love her.....you can not spoil a baby with love. Babies cry for a reason, it is there way of communicatiing. How would you like to be ignored if you were trying to talk with someone. We are blessed with the opportunity of creating well adjusted adults and we have a very short time to do this. Love her and meet all her needs now, she will trust you in the future and have a really good bond with you.

Nicole - posted on 04/18/2010

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I think every one knows what type of cry their baby is giving and what it means. I know when my LO is really tired and I put him down for a nap, he may start to cry. I don't go in and pick him up because I know he needs to sleep. There's definitely different types of crying based on what is needed.

We stopped giving a bottle in the middle of the night as DH figured it was just a habit and not that he was really hungry. LO is in our room in his crib due to space constraints, but the first night he cried for a total of about 20 minutes. That's with us checking on him every 5 minutes and trying to sooth him or give him his pacifier.

We only did this for two nights and now he's consistently sleeping through the night. He had his 6 mo appt @ 6.5 months about two weeks ago and the pedi was happy that we had taken away the middle of the night feeding. He goes down at around 8:30 and he may whimper or cry for a few minutes in the middle of the night, but he goes right back to sleep. He wakes up between 5:30-6 and a bottle is not the first thought on his mind. He usually gets up on all fours and looks at me and smiles. He gets his bottle shortly thereafter.

It wasn't easy listening to him those few nights, but it worked for us and I don't think it has changed our relationship with him at all. Every time he sees me, I get a big smile from my happy lil guy.

Shannon - posted on 04/17/2010

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my daughter only does the whole cry it out when she is soooo tired that she needs to go to sleep but doesn't want to... she gets more than enough attention during the day seeing as i am a stay at home mom that spends 24/7 with her because she has a lot of respitory and heart problems.. but we spend a lot of time together... my friends have told me that letting them cry it out is good for them but pretty much anytime my daughter cries i pick her up because i hate hearing her cry

Julienne - posted on 04/16/2010

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i always give her a "funny" looks if she's whinging, but usually she only cries if i haven't fixed why she's whinging. It's usually she's dropped a toy and its out of reach, she wants something new to play with or change of posture.

Stacy - posted on 04/15/2010

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If my son is wanting attention and starts to fuss I do not always pick him up. I do try to play with him while he is still on the floor and he really enjoys that. If he is crying b/c he does not feel good or is tired that is different and I do pick him up. If I am cleaning or cooking and he is crying I do try to put him where he can see me and he normally is happy with that

Emily - posted on 04/15/2010

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i compleatly agree...its hard to always drop what your doing to go hold your baby but to comfort and sooth and let them understand its alright to be alone or do things by them selves ect...excellent point it realy is!!

Sarah - posted on 04/15/2010

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I don't pick my son up on every single wimper or fuss...but I don't let him go too long fussing either. He gets VERY fussy when he's sleepy, so I try to pick him up and help him go to sleep by rocking or singing to him. If he's out right whaling, I go to him instantly because I know that's not like him to cry like that. I know something is really wrong in that situation.

Chasity - posted on 04/15/2010

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i dont let her cry like cry its like a fake cry and then she is fine but she will do it for about 5mins or so, and i do play with her alot the only time i really dont is if i am working or working at home, she is usually always a happy baby has been since she was born.

Chasity - posted on 04/15/2010

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thanks everyone, it's not like i let her cry cry, like she has a cry where you look at her or walk away she starts to cry but as soon as you sit with her or pick her up she is fine. I dont think i could let her cry it out if she would be crying really bad, its just like 5 -10mins and then she will stop and play. she also will stop if my dog goes nears her lol she loves the dog she just talks to him so much...thanks everyone.

[deleted account]

I have to disagree with the poster who started to let her 2-3 month baby cry it out to build confidence and Independence, there is actually evidence to support the opposite. That the CIO method can cause increased anxiety in older children.
http://www.askdrsears.com/html/10/handou...

When my son is crying he is letting me know there is something he needs, to ignore that just seems so contrary to all my instincts.

Vidyut - posted on 04/14/2010

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I always give him attention when he asks for it - crying, calling, yelling, whatever. I don't think there is something such as a fake cry. It is all communication. He wants attention. Calling it fake and letting him cry it out is as good as saying that I don't have time to spend with you and will only attend to necessities.

I may not always pick him up. Sometimes, if he's hungry, I may hear his cry from the kitchen and simply call back, "I'm on my way, food coming in two minutes." and keep answering each call till we are physically together. Other times, he is bored, so I will show him something or play with him. Still other times, apparently, there is nothing. He just wants me there, so I am there. And so on.

Parents have a whole load of power over kids. I know how easy it can be to give in to my need to take a break and do nothing and trivialize his need to kill my guilt. I make sure that I respond to every cry to the best of my ability.

The only exception is when he is 'playing' with his voice. He babbles a lot. Sometimes, he will try to yell as loudly as he can. Other times he mimics the tone of speaking. This is play. I may join him, I may not. Sometimes, he prefers to talk to himself. If I see him clasping his hands, looking in the distance and having a conversation with himself, I know that he will stop if I interfere, so I don't. That is DEFINITELY not a call for attention though.

Jessica - posted on 04/14/2010

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everyone has their own opinion on CIO. some people answer EVERY whimper/fuss and i really don't agree with that b/c i don't think it is necessary. but if your baby is showing real fear/distress... then i think it's just plain lazy/irresponsible to not tend to your baby. babies wake during the night, it happens. i don't agree with letting them CIO to sleep. i am not that selfish, sorry...

Jessica - posted on 04/14/2010

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i never let my lulu CIO. i believe it is bad for everyone, despite age. imagine if your husband ignored you when you needed a good cry/shoulder to lean on... that would really mess up your relationship, right? now imagine that being done to your baby. it not only skews the parent/child relationship, but does immense damage to the brain/nervous system. i don't answer EVERY whimper b/c there are times when she gets slightly fussy but is fine when i make faces at her or play peek-a-boo and i don't have to pick her up. but if she means business, i am there. this is around the time when babies start forming attachments with their moms/dads and are showing real fear when you leave the room (since they don't understand that what they can't see is still there) or show less attention to them. if you can get through this stage without having to resort to the CIO method, i'm sure she would be very thankful :)

Angela - posted on 04/14/2010

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I am the same way with my little girl as Tamara and Linda. Nola wants to be entertained non-stop and when I leave the room she starts to fuss a bit. If it is the your not paying attention to fake cry I know I can get away with going to do whatever I left her side to do. But if it is a full out cry I go get her right away. She is 6 1/2 months old as well and I have noticed that she is fussy more often due to a growth spurt and teething. Its tough sometimes but I just don't have the heart to "let her cry it out". In my opinion if there is an "it" to cry about... she needs her momma!!!! :)

[deleted account]

I also pick up my son if he is truly crying. As Tamara said, there is a fake cry that I'll recognize right away and then I might let him whine/cry for a bit. I just hate hearing him really crying and I have never tried to let him cry it out and probably never will.

[deleted account]

I always always pick my son up. I do not believe in ever letting him "cry it out." He has his fake cry that I know I can let go for a few moments but when he wails I pick him up. I'm a believer in attachment parenting,(Dr. Sears) by following some of those techniques I find my son cries less, except this week anyway, he's starting to teeth and is pretty fussy!
Good luck!

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