just curious....

Cherie - posted on 10/19/2009

Quoting Jessamy:

Well my story is this:

I slept in my parents bed until i was nearly 12 because they never taught me to sleep on my own, as soon as i peeped or anything they just put me in their bed. This meant that if i stayed at friends houses i often did not sleep at all, i didn't know how to. I was afraid of school camps because i got so upset and homesick at night time i just lay there and cried and cried. I still have problems sleeping to this day, and cant really sleep alone in my own bed. (yay i have a husband and now i sleep quite well hehe) so i was determined that my daughter would not suffer the same things as me so when she was 6 months old i sleep trained her.

I did it for daytime first, and i did do the cry it out method, i didnt however simply leave her to cry i went in every ten minutes, i didnt say anything i just made sure she was physically ok, that she wasnt overheated and hadnt pooed or something, then i just left again. it took an hour and a half the first time, then i co-slept her that night and the next day she only took 20 mins. And the next day she just went to sleep so i did it that night too, that night she cried for two hours. And yes it was horrible, especially since my mum completely disagreed with what i was doing and i had to get really feirce with her not to go in and let me do it. (we lived at home then) the next night she just went to sleep.

So i do personally believe in this so called "cry it out" method, but no not till they are a bit older, i knew of one woman who did it at 6 weeks and that kinda freaks me out. I completely understand what all you ladies are saying but as a child who was never really taught to sleep i think you should all be aware of that possible consequence, i think its important to be able to sleep. There are LOTS of sleep training methods out there, so if you dont personally want to use the "cry it out" method that doesnt mean your kid wont sleep!!!!!

Hi there!

I just wanted to mention that I can understand where you're coming from.

Personally though, I feel like, until my son is old enough to speak to me, and understand when I speak to him, I always want to be there for him when he cries.

For me, there is a vast difference between an infant who is crying (and can't tell me if his tummy hurts, or he's teething, or is just upset and needs to be held) and a three year old who CAN tell you those things.

For me, there is a vast difference between putting an infant in his crib and letting him scream without understanding, and putting a three year old in bed and telling him "It's bedtime sweetheart, and you're a big boy now! I know you're upset, but mommy will be in the next room, I love you very much" Using this method (or something similar) with a three year old who you can explain things to, may be a challenge, but for me it's infinitely preferable to using the cry-it-out method with a baby to whom you can't explain the reasons you're doing things.

I want my son to always know that he is loved, that his feelings matter, and that I will always be there for him.

I think that we all do what we feel is right for our children, right or wrong, and I think that as long as we have unconditional love for them, it will turn out all right. (although I can't even imagine doing something like that to a 6 week old!! poor thing ) :  )

I think that you and I have a similar attitude, we just differ on the age at which we feel comfortable with this whole thing.

Anyway just my thoughts : )

Cherie - posted on 10/19/2009

Quoting Stasia:

I know what you mean. I had some trouble in another group because I said I completely disagreed with one moms advice. She said: "It is unhealthy for children to rely on their parents to sleep, and a sleep deprived mom is also not healthy. You must let your children cry so they learn to self soothe or you will be ruining your life"

not kidding. "ruining your life"
well excuse me, I dont appreciate ANYONEs advice when it is so one sided. I like to give advice like "this is what I do and what works for us, but I know every baby is different so good luck" and the mom even said she didnt want to let her baby cry it out, and here this woman is telling her she is ruining her life? and then when i said I completely disagreed with her and that It fosters confidence and a confident child will then not be afraid of sleep and will go back to sleep on their own in time I was actually messaged by a couple other people that the other woman was right!!! frustrating!!!

the "cry it out" method was made up by some **** ferber. And since then, even HE has gone on record discounting his theory.
I believe that you should always do what feels right, because your motherly instinct really does know best, and does anyone ever "feel right" about letting their child cry??

just my thoughts.

Stasia, I love you for this post.

I personally could never let my child just "cry it out". My mother in law, is unfortunately in the *****ferber camp, and told me (many times) that I should put him in his crib and let him cry himself to sleep. I think that sometimes being a young mom means that others feel that they somehow not only have the right, but the duty to tell us how things *should* be done, nevermind maternal instinct and the fact that we can think for ourselves thank you very much.

I realize that we all have different approaches to parenting, but personally, when I hear my son cry, I want him to know that first of all, I will always be there for him, and secondly, his feelings are important to me. Aside from that, I want to pick him up for my own sake, because I think I would push the boundaries of my sanity if I just left him there to scream.

He is now a perfectly well adjusted 2 year old, and I feel like a very lucky momma :)

Cherie - posted on 10/19/2009

Quoting Stasia:

I know what you mean. I had some trouble in another group because I said I completely disagreed with one moms advice. She said: "It is unhealthy for children to rely on their parents to sleep, and a sleep deprived mom is also not healthy. You must let your children cry so they learn to self soothe or you will be ruining your life"

not kidding. "ruining your life"
well excuse me, I dont appreciate ANYONEs advice when it is so one sided. I like to give advice like "this is what I do and what works for us, but I know every baby is different so good luck" and the mom even said she didnt want to let her baby cry it out, and here this woman is telling her she is ruining her life? and then when i said I completely disagreed with her and that It fosters confidence and a confident child will then not be afraid of sleep and will go back to sleep on their own in time I was actually messaged by a couple other people that the other woman was right!!! frustrating!!!

the "cry it out" method was made up by some **** ferber. And since then, even HE has gone on record discounting his theory.
I believe that you should always do what feels right, because your motherly instinct really does know best, and does anyone ever "feel right" about letting their child cry??

just my thoughts.

Stasia, I love you for this post.

I personally could never let my child just "cry it out". My mother in law, is unfortunately in the *****ferber camp, and told me (many times) that I should put him in his crib and let him cry himself to sleep. I think that sometimes being a young mom means that others feel that they somehow not only have the right, but the duty to tell us how things *should* be done, nevermind maternal instinct and the fact that we can think for ourselves thank you very much.

I realize that we all have different approaches to parenting, but personally, when I hear my son cry, I want him to know that first of all, I will always be there for him, and secondly, his feelings are important to me. Aside from that, I want to pick him up for my own sake, because I think I would push the boundaries of my sanity if I just left him there to scream.

He is now a perfectly well adjusted 2 year old, and I feel like a very lucky momma :)

Sarah - posted on 10/05/2009

i always hated that. I could never let my kids cry. I tried a couple of times, but it killed me. I have always been there everytime they wake up and fuss. Now my kids come to me with any sort of boo-boo or problem. They know that mommy will always make it feel better or fix it. I think its good that ur kids know u will be there for anything. It stays with them their whole life. So when hard things do come along, boyfriends/girlfriends, school. peer pressure, they will come to you .

Denise - posted on 02/25/2009

I totally disagree with letting your child cry it out . They are only babies for a short period of time and I enjoy every second of my girls . My girls are great sleepers though my daughter is now 3 and she sleeps in her own bed great and my one yr old is great in her crib all I have to do if she cries is rub her back for a minute and shes out like a light . If I let her cry it out she would feel abandoned and cry till her nose bleeds and wouldn't sleep well for the rest of the night.

Jessamy - posted on 02/25/2009

Well my story is this:

I slept in my parents bed until i was nearly 12 because they never taught me to sleep on my own, as soon as i peeped or anything they just put me in their bed. This meant that if i stayed at friends houses i often did not sleep at all, i didn't know how to. I was afraid of school camps because i got so upset and homesick at night time i just lay there and cried and cried. I still have problems sleeping to this day, and cant really sleep alone in my own bed. (yay i have a husband and now i sleep quite well hehe) so i was determined that my daughter would not suffer the same things as me so when she was 6 months old i sleep trained her.

I did it for daytime first, and i did do the cry it out method, i didnt however simply leave her to cry i went in every ten minutes, i didnt say anything i just made sure she was physically ok, that she wasnt overheated and hadnt pooed or something, then i just left again. it took an hour and a half the first time, then i co-slept her that night and the next day she only took 20 mins. And the next day she just went to sleep so i did it that night too, that night she cried for two hours. And yes it was horrible, especially since my mum completely disagreed with what i was doing and i had to get really feirce with her not to go in and let me do it. (we lived at home then) the next night she just went to sleep.

So i do personally believe in this so called "cry it out" method, but no not till they are a bit older, i knew of one woman who did it at 6 weeks and that kinda freaks me out. I completely understand what all you ladies are saying but as a child who was never really taught to sleep i think you should all be aware of that possible consequence, i think its important to be able to sleep. There are LOTS of sleep training methods out there, so if you dont personally want to use the "cry it out" method that doesnt mean your kid wont sleep!!!!!

Kyrie - posted on 02/17/2009

Oh yes, i completely agree! I thought it ment older babies(7 months upwards) aswell as very young ones.

Stasia - posted on 02/17/2009

Oh i definitely agree that there is a point and age to which it becomes acceptable to let your children cry (to a point) and I believe that point varies with each child and their own unique temperament. When the child can communicate in other ways but chooses to cry because it gets a reaction out of you quicker then it is time to change things up.

I think the cry it out was mostly referring to leaving an infant to cry at night so they learn to "self soothe". This is also (in my opinion) only okay when your child is old enough to understand that it is bedtime and to tell you that something is wrong if they are having an issue other than just that they don't want to go to bed!

Kyrie - posted on 02/16/2009

Also, i feel that from a certain age you should try to get your child to let you know what is wrong with them. I mean once my youngest was able to point, tell me when she was wet, rub her belly to let me know she was hungry i encouraged her to do this instead of crying, i would ask her calmly to show mummy what was wrong when she cried which has helped stop her crying as much but again it is all depending on the age. Love this discussion by the way ladies, very mixed but good points of veiws. x

Kyrie - posted on 02/16/2009

I am on the fence when it comes to letting a baby 'cry it out'. Yes i agree that if a baby is crying non stop then they NEED your attention, that very young babies use crying as a way of communicating with their parents so parents should respond but at the same time, i feel that once a baby gets to certain age they do start to realsie that if they cry enough then they will get attention but i only bealive this from first hand experiance.

I have 3 daughters and my youngest was a very clingy baby up until a few months ago and i strongly bealive this was down to my own actions because when she got to about 7 months she would cry to be picked up(arms raised, pulling at my leg), which i always did.Whenever i was having special time with her twin sisters, she would cry until she had my full attention, this went on for several months because i would always pick her up and carry her around with me after i had fed, changed, winded, played with her and knew she wasn't in pain or tired so she quickly learnt this was how to get mummy's attention. She is 2 now and although i do still give into her on occassion by picking her up simply because she has started crying at me, i do try to ignore her tears and tantrums but she is at an age where she is more able to let me know if there is anything wrong so i know when she is just crying for attention and when she is crying because she needs me.

So yes i agree with all you mums that say it is wrong to let a child cry for long periods of time but then i also agree that from a certain age it is best for the child to be let to cry if it is simply for attention and i feel this way because your not 'teaching your child to 'fend for themselves' but are teaching them that you cant just throw a paddy to get what you want but in my veiw it does all depend on the baby's age plus once you get to know your baby, you learn the differant cry's and what they mean.

Stasia - posted on 02/02/2009

THere have also been times where we have been out too late and my daughter will cry herself to sleep in the car. If we try pulling over she is still upset until we take her out. Even if we get her calmed down this way we inevitably have to jump back in the car to get home and she is even more upset. So it is quicker just to get home!!
I also have jumped in nthe back if she is upset and I will feed her while driving. This is extremely uncomfortable as I am short AND small chested and basically have to balance over her car seat while kneeling on my seat. ahhh the things we will do for our children!

Jen - posted on 01/24/2009

Hey Jennifer don't feel bad about pulling over and nursing. I used to travel with my daughter when she was breastfed. It was a 4 hour drive to my parents and she got hungry before I was planning on stopping. I knew there was a rest station coming up so I pulled in there, went to the farthest parking space and fed her. But there have been times where she was just tired if the car and we were only 20 miles from home, so I just have to let her cry.

Jennifer - posted on 01/24/2009

WOW....I don't agree nor disagree with crying it out. Every parent is differant but myself, whenever Allison cries im there to see whats wrong and fix it. I want her to know that she can rely on me no matter what. The longest shes gone crying for was maybe 10min and it;s because she was hungry but we were in the car on our way home! And i even jumped in the back at a red light to try to calm her!! She is breastfed and doesnt take a bottle yet so i wasnt about to whip out my boob while we were on the road and we were just about home!!
If she were to get hungry and we were a ways away from home i would have Aaron pull over and feed her!! Is that crazy? I dont think so.!
We all want to do whats best for our children and i guess some moms find it easier to let their children cry it out rather then calm them by hand! Im a cuddler myself and i think its rubbed off on my daughter....but i wouldnt have it any other way!

Lindsay - posted on 01/21/2009

First, I would like to say that the girl who said the kids would be "ruining you life", I sincerely home she meant "running"... To a certain point, regardless of what anyone thinks, you kid(s) do run your life. Even if you're the one "in charge" (hehe), everything you do ends up being for them.



I both agree and disagree with the "let them cry" deal. When a child, a baby, has no other form of communication (no language development yet), Kristina is dead on - that is their communication. They cry, and it means, "Hey mom, I'm hungry", they cry, "Hey mom, there's something yucky in my diaper, a little help?", they cry, "Hey mom, I need a cuddle". They just have no other way to express themselves yet. However, when your child is more than old enough to speak to you (or as they approach the ability to speak and say what they need), I firmly believe that the crying (for things they can tell you about) should be ignored. This is not to say that you ignore your baby outright, not at all.



When my daughter gets very frustrated (which happens alot, over next to nothing), I sit her down and tell her to take a breath, that I will not talk to her until she stops crying. That I cannot understand crying, afterwards I ask her what the problem is, and usually, she tells me she doesn't even remember why she was crying in the first place. This has been going on since she was bout 18 months, she'll be 3 in April lol. (I understand this is a different situation entirely from where it normally applies, but still.. :) )



A side note: There are many times that I put my daughter to bed, and she makes a goofy sad face, and I ask her what's wrong. She tells me, "I need to cry." "Why?", I ask. "Because I need to..." and she proceeds to cry for all of 30 seconds as I tell her "ok, ni-night, baby" and kiss her head and walk out of her room. She's super special like that :)

Fenella - posted on 01/12/2009

I never let either of my kids "cry it out". Mainly because a) I dont feel right doing it and it makes me all uptight and stressed and b) if you let them cry for more than 5 minutes they get into a cycle of crying because they end up giving themselves wind! So they are crying, and then crying because they have wind, but in doing so they have gotten into the habit of crying so give themselves worse wind. Its an awful situation to get out of.
And it DOESNT teach your kids to go to sleep easier or for longer. My best friend has an 18 month old who still wont settle by himself or sleep the night through. He refuses to sleep for longer than 4 hours in fact. Yet both of my kids have slept through the night from 4 weeks old latest (8pm through to 5am is currently what the 2 month old sleeps which she started at 3 weeks while the 4 year old sleeps 7pm - 6am and slept through the night from 4 weeks). They also both go to bed and go to sleep in their beds. I can put the 2 month old down wide awake and she will drift off in her own time, while the 4 year old gets his pjs on when the 6pm news starts, and then when it hits the weather report he goes and puts himself into his bed, I go read him a story and I finish watching the news. By the end of the news he is asleep. It happens the same every night.
Yet her 18 month old HAS to fall asleep on the couch and then get transferred into his bed, and wont sleep for more than 4 hours at a time... And the only difference is he was let to 'cry it out'.

Natalie - posted on 12/15/2008

i know..i found alot of mothers in other groups are really stern wit how they raise n even discipline their kids..n it is frustratin becuz some ppl dun give advice they r actually tellin u wat yu shud do n sayin how if u dun do it that way ur wrong...n i cant believe ppl were msgin u sayin u were wrong..i mean we all have our own ways wit our kids not everyone does it the same n i thought alotta these groups were about givin advice n bein open to other ppls opinions meanwhile ppl attack if they dun like wat u say n they start to team up on u!!

Stasia - posted on 12/15/2008

I know what you mean. I had some trouble in another group because I said I completely disagreed with one moms advice. She said: "It is unhealthy for children to rely on their parents to sleep, and a sleep deprived mom is also not healthy. You must let your children cry so they learn to self soothe or you will be ruining your life"

not kidding. "ruining your life"
well excuse me, I dont appreciate ANYONEs advice when it is so one sided. I like to give advice like "this is what I do and what works for us, but I know every baby is different so good luck" and the mom even said she didnt want to let her baby cry it out, and here this woman is telling her she is ruining her life? and then when i said I completely disagreed with her and that It fosters confidence and a confident child will then not be afraid of sleep and will go back to sleep on their own in time I was actually messaged by a couple other people that the other woman was right!!! frustrating!!!

the "cry it out" method was made up by some **** ferber. And since then, even HE has gone on record discounting his theory.
I believe that you should always do what feels right, because your motherly instinct really does know best, and does anyone ever "feel right" about letting their child cry??

just my thoughts.

Jen - posted on 12/14/2008

I didn't do too much of the whole crying it out thing. The most my daughter ever "cried it out" was 20 mins. and I only did it because I knew she was changed, fed, and not hurting and was only fighting sleep. I would never let my daughter cry for an hour. Like I said the longest was 20 mins and that was pushing it for me. She was probably about 4 months old at the time. Now she goes down right away and sleeps 11 hours.

Kristina - posted on 12/14/2008

http://apps.facebook.com/circleofmoms/gr...

Natalie - posted on 12/14/2008

woo i thought i was crazy lol but im glad u agree...where do i find those groups?

Kristina - posted on 12/14/2008

I am alwasy by Osro's side whenever he cries. Babies cry as a form of communication. I don't even believe in the let them cry for 5 minutes thing. If baby is crying you are supposed to answer that cry. By not doing so you are teaching them that they cannot trust you to do the job you are supposed to. They learn they must fend fo rthemselves. It is sad that so many people have the perception that if they answer their child's cry they are "giving in" and "letting them win". I hate that people think babies are trying to manipulate them into holding them...all they are doing when they cry is trying to communicate their needs. And all the parents are doing when they let them cry it out is breaking the bond that being a mother or father creates with your child.



I am glad you agree that crying it out is a bad choice. There are Attachment parenting groups on here..mayeb you should check those out??