last names and other dilemmas

Kari - posted on 02/25/2009 ( 15 moms have responded )

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So i have a problem. Im about 4months pregnant with my first. Lately the topic of the babys last name has come up with my parents. When i told them i want the baby to have its fathers last name, they got mad and told me theres pretty much no discussion about it, that the baby will have my last name. My mom feels its easier to make it his last name later than it is to change it to mine down the road. They keep thinking we wont work out, and they dont want the baby to have his last name if it doesnt work. I feel like even if we dont work out, its STILL his baby. What does not having his last name change? How do i tell them without starting a fight that its my baby and my decision? I havent even told my boyfriend about this convo. I know it will crush him.

My other dilemma is that after i told my parents i was pregnant, i said we were going to be looking for places to live and that i was gonna be moving out soon. They told me not to worry about moving out and to save money and just stay home. I never asked her if i could stay home. I havent asked her for ANYTHING. But every time something comes up about the baby and things that it will need, if i dont agree with what she wants to buy her response is "whos house are you living in? whos paying for it?" lately its diapers. She found eco-friendly ones and when she told my brother about them she said "yea, i think those are the ones we are gonna use" and i just said "we?" and that was the response i got. again, i have never asked for anything. i told her from day one i dont expect anything from her or my father. I wish i could just move out, but i really cant afford it right now. any ideas on how to talk to her?

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Racheal - posted on 02/09/2011

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The name name issue is your decision, they will get over it!
Now i was in the same boat as you are with staying at home with your parents to save money...i hate to admit it but why dont you just "play along" for awhile, you have to understand its a hard transition for them also!! there lil girl is having a baby! they love you so much they dont want you to experience any hurt, or worry..it took me a long time to understand that they love me so much they didn't want me to experience all the pain and let down being a young mother can bring seeing as they were in the same boat. ya know? trust me hun, when they see that sweet grandbaby of theirs it wont be so bad...promise :)

Stasia - posted on 03/13/2009

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200, are you serious?? It would be at LEAST 700 where I am. 200, thats crazy

Casey - posted on 03/12/2009

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that is just too ridiculous, i wouldn't let my parents walk all over me like that.  i don't know what it's like in your city but in mine it cost only $200 bucks a month just for a basic one room. i'm glad you've worked some things out with her though.. but why don't you move in with your man?

Stasia - posted on 03/04/2009

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try not to stress about it, you have enough on your plate.
im glad it is going a little better so far!!

It is so hard for mothers when their daughters become the mothers!!! They have spent the last two decades or so mothering you and now all of a sudden they have to step back. I think it will just take a lot of communication!!!!

we had this a little with my fiances dad. He didnt think it mattered what we wanted him to do with the baby. He thought we were being over protective and would give food i didnt approve of, let the baby chew on the dog's ball etc.

I think its best to try to get a mutual understanding and a clear line drawn out before the baby comes if possible because there wont be energy for fighting later.

keep us updated ok!!!

Jessamy - posted on 03/03/2009

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YAY im glad that you managed to sort it out. I bet you and your mum both feel better.  And i agree about the name thing, just leave it, its not really that important anyway.

Kari - posted on 03/03/2009

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So i spoke to my mom last night. I only brought up her comments about me living home and her paying for things. It actually went good. She didnt realize how hard i took it and that it wasnt coming out the way she meant it. She apologized and said it wouldnt happen again.



I think im going to leave the last name thing alone until the day i have the baby haha

Jen - posted on 02/28/2009

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Quoting Katryna:

I don't really have much advice but just know that you should have the final decision. I didnt have a problem with my mom i had a problem with my bf's mother. We lived with her until my daughter was 3 months. It was horrible.

She always tried to put me down. Saying that i was to young to be a mom and stuff like that. I was always offended but whatshe had to say. She tried to tell me how to raise her and I never knoew how to handle her bc i didnt grow up with her. So I always had to vent to my bf when he got home.

About the last name its your decision. I gave my daughter my bf's last name.
Heres a funny story about last names here we go:

After I had my daughter and we were still in the hospital my last name was on the bassinet. When my bf's mom say my last name she FLIPPED out. and was like she's supposed to have our last name. I just looked at her and was like she does they just have my last name on the bassinet bc I'm her mother. She felt like such an idiot. And alls i could think of was that its just a last name and its not that big of a deal if she did have my last name.

I just wanted to share that lil story! Good luck with everything


My daughter's bassinet also had my name on it. No one flipped out, but I always wonder that when my daughter grows up she's going to see it in her aby book and question it. lol :)

Kari - posted on 02/27/2009

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Katryna- Although me and bf's mom get along great (for now haha) i couldnt imagine living with her! I give u a lot of credit. haha



I think im just going to wait on the last name thing until its closer to my due date and just tell them, its my choice, not theirs. deal with it.



But i think im gonna try and talk to her this week about everything else. Cause it has to stop. Its driving me crazy. And like you all said, its only gonna get worse once the baby comes.

Katryna - posted on 02/27/2009

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I don't really have much advice but just know that you should have the final decision. I didnt have a problem with my mom i had a problem with my bf's mother. We lived with her until my daughter was 3 months. It was horrible.



She always tried to put me down. Saying that i was to young to be a mom and stuff like that. I was always offended but whatshe had to say. She tried to tell me how to raise her and I never knoew how to handle her bc i didnt grow up with her. So I always had to vent to my bf when he got home.



About the last name its your decision. I gave my daughter my bf's last name.

Heres a funny story about last names here we go:



After I had my daughter and we were still in the hospital my last name was on the bassinet. When my bf's mom say my last name she FLIPPED out. and was like she's supposed to have our last name. I just looked at her and was like she does they just have my last name on the bassinet bc I'm her mother. She felt like such an idiot. And alls i could think of was that its just a last name and its not that big of a deal if she did have my last name.



I just wanted to share that lil story! Good luck with everything

Jen - posted on 02/26/2009

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My parents wanted me to include my last name in the baby's name since my brother had just passes away. I said that I would consider it if I was having a boy (my dad doesn't have anyone to pass on his last name even though he has 3 nephews), but I found out I was having a girl (who is now 15 months). When I do get a boy though we would like to consider giving him both last names and my brother's first name as his middle name. In your case, you should name your baby how you want. It's your baby not your mother's. She had her turn to pick out cute names now it's your turn (and your b/f's).



As for your dilemma with your mom. I know you might feel like you're disrespecting your mom, but you need to tell her what YOU want. It's your baby and you get to raise him/her as you please. There are some things my mom doesn't agree with in the ways I've handled some things with my daughter, but she's my daughter and my fiance and I will raise her as we please. Just take your mom aside at home and say listen, this is what I plan on doing if you'd like to help this is what you can do. You should probably come up with some sort of plan on how you'd like to do some things (parenting, diapers, bottle/breast) and then give her some things to do that will help you out. Like you could have her throw you a shower or  have her pick out a crib she likes. Just some ideas. Good Luck with everything.

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I agree with Denise....once your baby is born its just going to get worse between you and your parents and you dont need that!
You need to lay all your cards out on the table and figure out what you can do to get out of your parents house! Thats the only way that your going to feel at peace!
Your parents sound like they are being selfish and not putting your feelings first! This time should be happy for you and you shouldnt feel down about what name you choose for your baby! Its not up to your parents its your decision! I dont really see any way of getting out of arguing with your parents about this, even though it shouldnt even cause an argument as it is your baby!!
Does your boyfriend live with you? Are you working at the moment!?
If I were you I would work my butt off and save up as much money as you can and start looking for a place;...maybe a little apartment at first until you can get on your feet! Becuase your mother is always going to hold this against you, you living with her and her "taking care of you" and your baby!
Plus if you work now you will get mat leave and that helps with your baby!
Talk to your boyfriend about your dilemma you shouldnt be dealing with this stress on your own....you should be stress free during your pregnancy!!
Do what you want and dont feel guilty about your decisions!!

Denise - posted on 02/25/2009

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I'll have to say everyone was pissed at me when I gave my daughter daddy's last name . I really didn't even consider her having my last name and y change it later. well you wouldn't be able to leave the country with out his permission and things like that . as for how to talk to your parents tehy will probably be in controll and even after the baby comes but in that mch more . I say try not to let it ruin your relationship with them or your new baby It will get worse when the baby comes not easier .

Jessamy - posted on 02/25/2009

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Thats a really hard situation. Your best bet is probably going to be to talk to her when the subject/s aren't in conversation. Try and be calm and show your mum that you are an adult and ready to make these descisions for yourself. Tell her that you really appreciate her input, but it is your baby, and your body, not hers, and that you do not want her to pay for anything, you will pay rent/board from now on. (if you can) Even if she gets mad and yells, try and stay calm cos then you look more mature, which is obviously something your mum aint seeing right now, that you are an adult. Shes probably really freaked about her "baby" having a baby, maybe you could ask her why she is feeling the need to control you?



 



The name thing.... its really none of their business what you and your partner choose to name your child. I would just do my best to avoid the conversation altogether.



Or have you thought about a hyphinated name? My daughter has a hyphanated name of mine and her dad, but we were seperated when i found out i was pregnant... shes very proud of her name now because she knows that part is mummy and part is daddy.



 



Good luck!

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