am i a over bearing parent?????

Lori - posted on 11/13/2009 ( 14 moms have responded )

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as being 35, and widowed at 29,with 3 kids, i would say iam overbearing??my daughter is 11 and she wants to go and spend nights at her friends,but iam real strict with her,i guess one i work at a hospital and i seen so many parents lose there kids in accidents ect....just makes me more protective over her, my little girl wanted me to let her go with her friend, and her friends 18 yr old brother was going to take them to the movies????right off the bat i told her no,she tells me all the time iam to strict, but i tell her iam not like other parents who let there kids go,,,,no, i dont let her go to peoples house unless i know them, and no i really dont like sleep overs,am i being to protective??

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Stacey - posted on 11/17/2009

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Just wondering, why dont you like sleepovers? When I was young I always looked forward to having a sleepover or going to someones house. That was my big social time and being a super shy child I think that really helped me to open up when I got older and I was able to overcome my fear of meeting new people, speaking up for myself, etc. I was never allowed to sleep at someones house my parents didnt know, which makes sense. Maybe try having a sleepover at your house and see if that helps with some of the tension between you and your 11 year old. She is getting to that age where she will be ready to push away and try new things if you come off to her as being too protective. Thats where a lot of the accidents and ODs seem to come from- parents who dont let their kids do stuff. I am TOTALLY with you not letting her go with her friends 18 year old brother driving. A lot of 18 year olds still feel they are invincible and nothing will ever happen to them. In these situations my mom always took me and then would actually go to the movie with us, just sit in the back while we got to sit a few rows ahead of her. We always thought that was cool because we could gossip without her knowing what we were talking about.
Im wondering if a lot of your protectiveness has to do with losing your husband at such a young age. Im sure you werent married very long, and that has to be hard on anyone. Maybe try talking to your children about what honestly scares you with them going out- Im sure you will be surprised to find out a lot of it has to do with the loss of your husband. Your kids will understand eventually but get to the talking quickly before you lose connection with your daughter. Maybe try a family counselor- they are amazing people and uncover a lot that you never knew was even an issue!! Good luck with everything!

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Pa - posted on 11/17/2013

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kids now a days need discipline....we never had any sleep overs....lived in a Jewish Neighbourhood in N Toronto...75-80% of the kids were Jewish....
some would not allow gentiles in their homes....did not have family living in the city who had young children like us...

sure that you are trying to do the best for your children....kids will say that so and so parents let them do whatever....not worked with my parents...dad did not care about neighbours or what anybody else said...same with drinking....never any alcohol in our home....parties....never had/went to any. sm.

Hope - posted on 08/04/2012

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NOOOOOO you are not. You are normal! I would definitely want to know the people too.

Deb - posted on 01/14/2010

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Lori:

You are being a good mom that worries. Next time she wants to go to the movies with her friend, offer to drive them. Have her invite her friend for a sleep over so you can get to know her friends. It is more work, but my kids didn't know I was protecting them by keeping them home by having their friends come over and doing as much driving as I possibly could. For 3 years, I drove my son home from High School and 4 of his friends after wrestling, soccer and track practice just so that I knew he was in good hands. You can make better suggestions that make you feel more comfortible about the situation instead of always saying "NO".

Belinda - posted on 01/13/2010

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I don't think you can be too protective. I would rather watch over my children, than to let them go somewhere and something happens, you can't go back. You gave birth to her and you have the right to be as strict as you want. I don't let my kids go anywhere unless I know the parents pretty good. You just never know what goes on in their home. Not all parents are good parents I have learned over the years. I know our children will understand when they get older why we're the way we are, lol.

Margaret - posted on 12/29/2009

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I think being 2 strict 2 them is not ok at all,y bcs onence they get chence to go out they will use that oppotunity no metter wht.especiely for girls try 2 b polite n make them understand how du u feel thnx

Rene - posted on 12/25/2009

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Thanx for the posts, I'm told I'm overprotective because I won't let my kids go over to peoples houses when I don't know them. And there 8yrs. 3yrs, and 15 months.

Katie - posted on 11/24/2009

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To be honist i dont think so. She only 11. You have to becarful at age and special with girls. Yet you do have to let he make mistakes but 11 is way to young. If she wants to hang out she can have her friends come to your house our if she want take her to the mall and you go shopping or something but stay in the mall and let her have like 2 hrs and met up somewere. This way she has some freedom.. but im with you sleepovers no way unless i know the parents in and out and have been there sorry.. you can always do a mother and daughter sleepover party with makeovers and thing.. there always option.. hope i helped a little.

[deleted account]

I don't think you are being overbearing. Seems to me that you are making wise choices for your daughter. If she wants to go to the movies with a friend then you could either offer to take her yourself and sit a few rows away if she likes, or if the friends mom is trusted to accompany them allow them to go with her.. I have a 10 yr old at home but he is preceded by 6 teenagers. I did not allow my children to go with friends siblings anywhere.. just because the law says an 18 yr old is an adult does not mean they will make adult choices.. and 11 yr old girl should never go anywhere with an 18 yr old boy who is not her brother.. aside from the obvious risk, you also risk him allowing them to wander off alone because he is "cool" and thinks they are old enough to handle themselves.



And as far as sleepovers went.. I let my kids have sleepovers at our house all the time.. So I could be certain they were being well supervised.. I only allowed them to sleep over at friends homes if I knew the parents well and if siblings of the opposite sex would not be home during the stay.



I would reccomend that to prevent alienating yourself from your childrens lives as they grow older you try to find a way to say "no" less by being involved in the things you can say "yes" to.

Michelle - posted on 11/20/2009

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Not at all. You seem very caring. I think 13 is an ok age to go stay with friends...From the age of 10 my mum let me stop over at my best friends house...but my mum n her mum were real good friends too, so it was like family. Has she ant cousins that she could have sleepover with? This way you could see whether shes mature enough for stop evers with her friends... I definately wouldnt let my daughter go to a school friends house over night at the age of 11...i need to trust the parents of the other children before I allow my daughter to be in thier care.
you should sit her down and explain your worries and tell her that If she would like to start being around her friends more, you need to see her be more grown up and respect you. Its hard, I used to slam doors and shout when I was 15 cus my mum wouldnt let me out past 10pm. after having my own child now i see my mums concerns and have said sorry to her for being the pain in the rear end that i was. your daughter may dislike you for a while, but if you dont shout, not stop her from doing other things she loves, then shell come round... I wish you luck!

Silvia - posted on 11/15/2009

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No. You are protecting your children, just be careful you don't loose them in the process. Your daughter and you need lots and lots of talking together. She needs to understand why you are the way you are. IF in her mind, you are simply "strict" then to her it translates to "mean", "controlling". If after enough talks she begins to understand "some" of the dangerous out there and feels so loved that you want to keep her safe, she will be more likely to follow your rules. There is a real thin line between being strict and keeping kids safe and being strict and forcing your kids to start doing things behind your back to get around your rules. Not an easy job, just remember to always be fair and keep the lines of communication open.

I have the same rule .. No sleep overs. my kids are allowed 2-3 sleepovers a year and only to my sisters' houses- about 3-5 minutes away.



If you have the no sleep over rule always.. you don't have to explain why its ok this time for X friend, but not for Y next month. There are some things that kids don't understand at 11 years of age yet. Best of luck and God Bless you and your family

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