does anyone else have a meddling mother n law?

Nicole - posted on 11/12/2012

YES, I had the same problem and yesterday (WE) finally told her to BUTT OUT!!! My husband and I have been together for 13 years and we have 2 kids together. I love her but she doesn't know when to stop. I've tried being nice and polite until I just stopped answering the phone when she calls. She has no life of her own. Divorced and has mad a choice to not have another relationship which has made her 3 children so frustrated because she is always trying to sit in the middle of someones relationship. Part of me feels bad but to be honest... i know it's for her own good and especially for ours. I would suggest that you get some kind of plan to get your husbands full attention so that you can get him to understand that it's not healthy... they way she is and that when your married it's a relationship between you and him NOT you him and the mother!? Stay strong and I wished I knew this a long time ago but everything has to run it's coarse. You can get him to be strong... your just going to have play the same game as her and after all he married you! So USE your women power!

Jennifer - posted on 11/08/2012

I can totally relate. Have been in your situation and have come through the other side. Stand your ground. You have more power than you think. You do need your husbands support..... that is the first step. Start by being polite but firm in front of her regarding issues that you and he have agreed on. It took me five years, it was hard and I persisted but now my husband and I run our marriage....well worth it!! We even went to counselling over it. Now my husband laughs about how ridiculous he was regarding his mother. My husband was an extreme case...... raised by his single controlling mom. She might as well have been waking up between us every morning. She wanted to be the center of everything including our marriage and the way we raised our kids. Self absorbed to the extreme. It was really rocky for a while, be firm and rational and keep on persisting. Best of luck.

Lily - posted on 07/28/2012

@KATHERINE LONG - just curious - how does it get worse when MIL dies? im in a relationship which i want to leave because of the MIL. Nasty, toxic woman. Too involved in our lives. She's on anti depressants and anti psychotics, but nothing helping. I've got a parenting plan in place even, as i dont want her near my kids. Luckily, we live 6 hrs away from her now, so things are much better - ive blocked them on Skype even! But im dreading the day my FIL dies, as what then with fiance's mother. They're in their 60s now. I always figured, when they pass, things will get easier.....?....

Kelsey - posted on 08/31/2011

@Hi Joanna
Thanks for the post. Very helpful-- and it helps to know that the feelings and difficult stress that I get from my MIL, is somewhat similar to what other women go through too. It is tough and how does one deal with it, especially when your a mom or lady who "doesn't want to put up with any grieff and hates having to have these "confrontations" because they are difficult to deal with. They need to understand that their lives to not evolve around their son or their son's marriage, love life, children ect. If they think that or try to show that, it's so selfish!

Joanna - posted on 08/31/2011

Before I start i just want to say i do not want to hurt and other MIL. Everyone has a diffreant situation. I do have to say that i am going through some of the same things with my MIL. I did not really have my eyes all the way open when I was dating my husband and I wish I would have now. When my daughter (one and only one for us) was born she told my husband that she would babysit every Friday. I was not feeling the best about it. But I said yes. When Lily, would go to my MIL she came home with a diffreant outfit on. One of her outfits that she bought . I had all ways had a change of clean clothes in there. I told her that I packed clean clothes for her, Her responds was oh, I guess I never looked in the bag. Or It was dirty. ( IT was not dirty) I she did this everytime. Now today, she buys Lily clothes left and right. I tell her that she dose not need any more clothes or pants and so on. But what does she do. She keeps buying. I keep telling myself it is her money not mine. My daughter has so many clothes that it is redicoulos. She is 7years old now and I can not get her to wear the same clothes twice if they are clean. I have taken clothes out of the closet and she gets more. I have asked her many many times to not buy her anything now. I would let her know when I needed something.. I told my husband this and he told me is it hurting lily, My mom just wants to help out. I asked him to tell her that we don't need anmore clothes. Yea right. When my MIL wants something or wants to ask me a queshtion. what dose she do. She goes through her son. ( my husband) still today. It bugs me. I have asked her many many times nicely to please call or send a e-mail to me. My husband dose not always give me the message. If I need anything I call her. I do not ask my husband to relay the message. But she dose not see it. There is tention between us (MIL). I don't want to even go to her house for get togethers or anything. My husband dose not see it that I get very stressed about it. He works for his dad. So he sees his mom and dad everyday. He always goes and eats at his parents house. He never packs a lunch. When they are here there is tention. She will ask her son if he needs help in the kitchen or talks to him. Not me. I am standing right there in the same kitchen. I told her what she can buy for my daughter right now for clothes. Do you think she listens. NOT. She invited me to go shopping with them. I really did not want to go. But I did, I had to tell her a few times. She does not need short sleeve shirts she has a lot she needs this. My daughter acted up and it was a mess. I finally steped in and told her do not buy them. Lily does not deserve them. (SHe was throwing a temper ,crying and screamming at the store) MIL did not listen. She bought the clothes anyway. Even after Lily told her she did not want that shirt. I was fit to be tied. With my daughters addtiude and my mother in law. MIL was going to take us out to eat. My daughter did not want to go. and i told my MIL that it was not a good idea because of the way Lily was acting. I wanted to take my daughter and leave the store right then and there when she was acting up. But I did not. I do not tell my husband anything anymore when she gets me mad. It never helps. He never listens and he never talks to her. So i sit and steam. My marraige is not good because of it and other things.
Joanna

Kelsey - posted on 08/25/2011

No your not alone. You should have a discussion with your husband about taking his mother's side. She is too pushy and overbearing and (that makes it hard for him to say no or push her away.) Let him know how you feel about her, and that you deserve respect from both him and his mother, and he needs to respect your needs and wants. . .
Some MIL must think that their son is always going to be their little "protector" or little sidekick. It bothers me that they are grown women and still need to get involved in his love life and personal life. I think it is rude and disrespectful. I would want to do better things with my time if I were a MIL, and I think that is why I have a hard time grasping other MIL that act like this..................

Lori - posted on 06/17/2010

i have one just like that,and it can be hard to deal with ,and my fiance would give his last dollar to her,and she plays mommy,what i do,because she irratates me so bad,i tone her out,i think your mother n law is jealous,just make sure you tell your husband were to draw the line,because your the wife and mom so dont step down,she trys to play mom,you step up and dont let her by taking over and ignoring her coments, remember always be sweet,and smike at her,,,ever heard the old saying never let somebody know were your goat is tied up at,,,try this it works well for me

Laura - posted on 03/29/2010

I've been married since I was 17, and had 3 different mother-in-laws. My first MIL was great! Stayed out of the arguments, never took sides, visited just a few times a week, and keep shut about the cluttered house. Bought for the kids, and only talked about normal, average stuff. She's got a good marriage and I still like the woman. She's came to a wedding reception & a Christmas by our invite...when I say our, I mean ...me & husband # 3.
The second mother-in-law told me she liked me to my face, and critized me behind my back. She liked my son better than my daughter and let me and them know it. She was a nasty old woman who chewed "chaw" tobacco and spit all the time. She was mean to her husband and had a lousy marriage. I think that's why I was her son's punching bag for 5 yrs.
Mother-in-law #3 is married to an Alcoholic and lacks for attention. Guess who was used to supplying that need? Yep, my husband. I thought he was a momma's boy too. He never, and I mean never, saw any wrong in anything she did or said. I nearly left him several times over these 18 yr. over her. However, as the kids grew, she didn't grow into being a grandparent and that hurt him. He watched her dote on his sisters kids, and ruin them with too much love and material goods. All my griping and pointing out over the years didn't help anything. The thing that cut the cords for good, was when our 13 yr. old ran away and his mother picked him up, lied to us, worried us for days, and then sic'd Family Svrs. on us. Needless to say, she burned her bridges. I almost wish the kid would have done it sooner! I said all that to say this, "most of the time, your MIL is acting out because of what her marriage is like and you're better off putting distance between you than trying to change it. Don't make your marriage upset or broken because her's is, or because she can't be happy. And when you get to be the MIL, think about this.

Donde - posted on 03/27/2010

Oh my goodness! Let's not even get me started on this subject. (laughing out loud) I used to have in-laws that always were butting their noses where it didn't belong. Don't get me wrong, I loved his parents to death, but when we had our one and only child, my mother-in-law was right up there trying to always control the situation. I know I wasn't always the most responsible when it came to money, but I do believe I was a good mother! I raised my son the best way I knew how! If I said I didn't want my son taken out of our room, she would march into the bedroom and take him out anyway! One day I came home from walmart and I had him clothed for cold weather, but I didn't have the blanket totally wrapped around him because I was just going from the car to the house. When I first stepped in the door, she had to make a comment! I talked to her about it later and I said, "Do you trust me?" and she said, "yes." I said, "Well then trust me when it comes to knowing what is best for my own child." I don't think she liked me much from that point on. She was always saying I was selfish and I even found a letter hidden in one of our magazines later on where she wrote her true feelings about me! Also, she had the nerve to call my sister on the phone and ask her if she thought I was selfish! My sister didn't even dignify the question with an answer! I thought that was too funny!

Tina - posted on 03/25/2010

I'm in a position where I am now a mother in love with my son's wife, and I hope to be loving and kind and gracious to both of them and not meddle, but be a helping hand and a loving resource to them when they need me and or want our help. But try not to be a pest as such. As it is , we live so far apart being there in person is not a reality at this time. So I pray for my children, and my son and his wife who are married, and the grandchild they will soon have. My desires are to be loving kind and helpful at all possible opportunities. I would only hope that I could have that same kind of help from my own mother in law, and her husband too. We do visit but only if they call and talk to their son, first, and the visiting is mutual between all of us, though my end of the conversation tends to be forgotten. Unless it strikes a cord somewhere whether it be positive or otherwise.

Sheree - posted on 03/25/2010

I was in a similar situation. I've been with my fiance for 7 yrs. We are getting married next yr. Early on my MIL to be butted in with opinions and he would always compare me to her. She showed me his wedding album from his first marriage that she had kept!! I told him that I would never be like his mum and if he didn't like it he could leave. Now we have a son its makes it harder coz there's someone else to think about. Have a talk to your MIL. I found that she had a MIL worse and swore that she would never be like that!! Does she realise that she is butting in? Is she maybe lonely? She may just be trying to help. As for your husband, tell him you need his support and say that while it's great she wants to be so involved with her grandchildren that they are your kids and therefore you have the final say. Stay strong. Hope this all helps.

Tina - posted on 02/25/2010

I have a mother in law who would prefer to talk to my husband and not to me. When the visits come and they are rare, he does all the talking and I don't get to say much. He and I now live so many miles apart from his parents that we don't see each other often, but he does talk to them, on the phone . I get a word in edgewise once and awhile but the conversation is pretty much lopsided. I do what I can and try to make the most of it. She is a very accomplished lady, and has very many talants, which I am very glad for her part to be a very talanted lady. But it makes me feel like I can't do anything to please her, and it is hard to have a 'happy' conversation with her as a result. But I know that with the health of her husband and herself , the years are ticking away, and they will be in a position of need before too much longer for 'assisted' support in one way or another and it is time to forgive, and hopefully recieve and be open to recieving help from me while I am still able to give it. But then Only the LORD knows when that will be, and how it is best to be done. I have daughter in love myself now, and hope to be a loving and encouraging mom in love to her. She is expecting our first grandchild but both son and daughter in love are overseas, my husband has made it clear that we can't afford to go over to see them. So we will have to wait until they can manage to return here. I don't know when that will be. The practice with his family regarding seeing 'relatives' is spread out over many years before the aunts and uncles can see their neices,and nephews let alone the grandparents seeing their grandchildren. We managed to get in visits with the grandparents fairly often when they were little, but the aunts and uncles didn't get tosee each other that often. So like 9 years goes by before we get to see the nieces and nephews etc. Other family members I only get to see their faces on 'facebook' !!! That's for the ones who have it only .

Katherine - posted on 02/24/2010

Sorry to say, I was married to a Mama's Boy and that is EXACTLY what you are describing. My X mother-in-law even controled our sex lives !! I know this is a cruel thing to say but the truth is: a Mama's Boy is even worse after his Mom passes away..
I did try everything but for my children's sake, we had to leave. Now, 33 years later, I know it was the best thing.

Nancy - posted on 02/23/2010

i had the same proble i let him go now now he crys like a baby wanting to come back. u deserve better.

Kimberly - posted on 02/23/2010

thank you tammy for your reply what you have said is very perfect !!!! for what i needed to hear and to know im not the only one who has to deal with something like this thanks so much i wish you the best with your marriage too :)

Tammy - posted on 02/21/2010

Sorry to say this but this but "alone" may be the best option you have. Tell your husband that if he loves and adores his mother so much he should move in with her. Since the umbilical cord is still attatched to his mother. ! This will hopefully make him wake up. Seeing what he is missing may help. If nothing else you will know all his finacial buisness.Because if you stay single you will be get a certain % of his income to help you raise your family. That alone should shock him into moving back home. His mother hopefuly will see the light as well. Tell your husband or write him a letter explaining your feelings. Explain to him what if the tables were turned. How would you feel if you were kept in the dark. You confide all your feelings thoughts,frustrations,income ect. Plus being financially generous with mother. Over you who takes care of his house & children. Maybe you should get a job and hoard all your money from him ? Whats good for the goose is good for the gander ?? If your all alone in this marraige. Maybe you should get rid of the lump who takes up 1/2 the bed. Leaves laundry all over(if he's like most men) controls the remote and orders you arround. SINGLE sounds good now doesn't It. I sent my man packing to his Mamas house. Letter in had (as I'm a emotional person) and would have probobly hurt him lol. He was there for 2 weeks and started to see things through my eyes. By the end of the 3rd week he was back home. We started counsiling and things are better. He doesn't call or repeat the things his mother says as much. For he knows what is on the line. So I wish you the best. I will pray that your husband will make a 360. And see what he is missing, Plus puts you first before anyone else in the mairrage
.As he is understanding to my feelings. He has stopped repeating things his mother. But has stopped giving her "spending money". However I have started to shop with my husband. He noticed the prices on things. So now he has been allowed to see and help out with the family budget. And now recieve money just for me.
So stand tall give him his space"like he needs one" He's sure to come around. You'll be the winner in the end. Good Luck to you. From T.L In Canada

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Marifel - posted on 02/07/2010

don't leave make her feel that ur the wife,she has her role as mom but you also have a role to ur husband and kids.if she medels you medel too,dont just look at them join them ur part of it,if she has a good suggestions you think of the best suggestion that ur husband will think that ur right.good luck

Joanne - posted on 02/06/2010

Its a shame that some M.I.L do that i have to admit mine doesnt have much to do with us. I would just sit your husband down, he should be supporting you after all you are his wife tell him excatly how you feel and that your not prepared to put up with it any longer and if he doesnt sort it out tell him your going to talk to his mum. Then if you have to tell her how she is making you feel and also stress to her that you understand that she may still want to mother your hubby that she will not mother your children that is up to you your their mommy! i wouldnt suffer to keep your hubby or his mother happy when its making you unhappy hope you get sorted soon!

Wanda - posted on 02/04/2010

sorry i just read your comment,I feel you 100%.my husband was the same way.Well my ex husband.it is hard with a mother-in-law like that.I do not blame you for being upset you are the mother of your household.If he don't do something he is gonna drive you away,i hate to say that but it happens.have you spoke with her or would it not do any good any way.STAY STRONG.WANDA

Wanda - posted on 02/04/2010

My 2nd husbands mother was the worst.she treated him like he was still a lil boy.I'm sure you know what i mean.But i guess we have to look at her side also,he is her son.But sometimes she needs to back off and let you and him make your own desisions.Good luck girl.wanda