Beth - posted on 10/14/2009 ( 5 moms have responded )
This is a hard thing for me to write and probably the first time I've opened up since march. I'm a single mom who has raised my daughter by myself for 13 years. Back in March, on the anniversary of my mothers death, I drand half a pint of vodka, chased by pringles and orange soda. Well, my 14 year old called 911 and when they came, I told them I was in my own bed and to let me go to sleep. There were other adults in the house ( I live with friends from my church). I hear the ambulace and by this time the yard was full of sheriff's and they were saying I was right, they had NOTHING to take me in on. I was in my own bed, not driving, not outside... nothingl. Well, they told my daughter they would have to "tweek" the system to make me go... my daughter thought they were taking me to the hospital but I wound up IN JAIL for 5 days without them letting me make one single phone call. Alot happened in jail that I won't go into (I have NEVER) been to jail before or even had a ticket, etc. I'm a christian and was just drowning myself to be numb. I miss my mother terribly and I know now I must celebrate her death as she is in Heaven and she would be so upset with me for mourning her after 14 years. Well, anyway.....
Needless to say DHR took my daughter and they placed her with a neighbor of mine under a "safety plan" and I got to see her most everyday and she stayed with dHR and the investigater not to send her to her dad. In the end, they placed her with him anyway. He hasn't had a relationship with her but for the last 2 years and that is only because I sued him for child support.
Now she is living with him and his wife and 2 step brothers. She really wants NOTHING to do with me, doesn't really call or communicate with me. She has face book and this is silly but under "parents" she only lists her dad, I email and she doesn't write back. When he first got her it was supposed to be until this summer and now she wrote and told me that she NEVER wants to come home. She wants to live with him until after she graduates and then go to college there too, I've virtually lost most contact with her. My heart is completly broken and I feel lost. I raised her all her life, provided for her and I make a mistake and "poof" she is gone. I feel betrayed by my own daughter. I feel like she doesn't love me anymore. I sacrificed 13 years of not dating or anything just because I want her to know it is NOT ok just to sleep around and most men want to spend the night and my feeling were if you can not accept my daughter then forget you.
Anyway, thanks for listening. I'm trying to move ahead and I do take responsibilities for my actions that night and i am in a recovery group in fact, two of them. But the pain in my deepest being is so much like grieving. I don't iknow how to get past it. Every one says, to move on... how do I do that? I'm trying but find myself not sleeping at night and if I do sleep I have nightmares of me running thru the woods and my daughter calling for me and I cant find her. Any advice? Beth