Empty Nest..... not MY choice but my daughter (14yrs old)

[deleted account] ( 5 moms have responded )

This is a hard thing for me to write and probably the first time I've opened up since march. I'm a single mom who has raised my daughter by myself for 13 years. Back in March, on the anniversary of my mothers death, I drand half a pint of vodka, chased by pringles and orange soda. Well, my 14 year old called 911 and when they came, I told them I was in my own bed and to let me go to sleep. There were other adults in the house ( I live with friends from my church). I hear the ambulace and by this time the yard was full of sheriff's and they were saying I was right, they had NOTHING to take me in on. I was in my own bed, not driving, not outside... nothingl. Well, they told my daughter they would have to "tweek" the system to make me go... my daughter thought they were taking me to the hospital but I wound up IN JAIL for 5 days without them letting me make one single phone call. Alot happened in jail that I won't go into (I have NEVER) been to jail before or even had a ticket, etc. I'm a christian and was just drowning myself to be numb. I miss my mother terribly and I know now I must celebrate her death as she is in Heaven and she would be so upset with me for mourning her after 14 years. Well, anyway.....
Needless to say DHR took my daughter and they placed her with a neighbor of mine under a "safety plan" and I got to see her most everyday and she stayed with dHR and the investigater not to send her to her dad. In the end, they placed her with him anyway. He hasn't had a relationship with her but for the last 2 years and that is only because I sued him for child support.
Now she is living with him and his wife and 2 step brothers. She really wants NOTHING to do with me, doesn't really call or communicate with me. She has face book and this is silly but under "parents" she only lists her dad, I email and she doesn't write back. When he first got her it was supposed to be until this summer and now she wrote and told me that she NEVER wants to come home. She wants to live with him until after she graduates and then go to college there too, I've virtually lost most contact with her. My heart is completly broken and I feel lost. I raised her all her life, provided for her and I make a mistake and "poof" she is gone. I feel betrayed by my own daughter. I feel like she doesn't love me anymore. I sacrificed 13 years of not dating or anything just because I want her to know it is NOT ok just to sleep around and most men want to spend the night and my feeling were if you can not accept my daughter then forget you.
Anyway, thanks for listening. I'm trying to move ahead and I do take responsibilities for my actions that night and i am in a recovery group in fact, two of them. But the pain in my deepest being is so much like grieving. I don't iknow how to get past it. Every one says, to move on... how do I do that? I'm trying but find myself not sleeping at night and if I do sleep I have nightmares of me running thru the woods and my daughter calling for me and I cant find her. Any advice? Beth

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Thank you Mily! If you want add me to your fb as a friend? I'd rather talk thru email on the things concerning Hope because she can see all I write on my wall and has me blocked from chat, etc.... My name is Beth Wingard, email: bamabethann@yahoo.com and on fb I am bamabethann.... add me as a friend? Thank you for your support, I need that right now. I am training on this online job and have to past like 20 tests, then if it works for me I will certainly send the info. I will do so anyway and let you see the actual email I got but it cost me $197 to get the training program to begin, If you dont suceed, they do offer you a money back guarantee though.... Hope to hear from you soon, Mily.... thanks for reaching out to me, I feel like i have made a friend

MILY - posted on 10/23/2009

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Hi...Beth...I'm so glad to finally hear from you...I've been coming to FB on and off trying to see if you had reply...Well I'm glad you're feeling better and you're realizing what you need to do...you know the phrase “Some doors maybe closed but ONE will Open”… I can relate to you....I already told you about my mother's grieving and how she didn't pay attention to me, well I guess I wanted more than what she could give me, but what I mean to say is that I also was into drugs...not heavy just smoking weed...well some people may say that’s heavy…I just say that because I have never tried anything else. What I'm trying to tell you...if you want to change it will happen…is hard but you need to be dedicated and really want to have the change with in, no one can make that for you, not your daughter or friends…ONLY YOU can make the change for yourself.



In my case I guess I don’t know if is my mother influence in my case what I did to myself was good…my mother is a very religious person, but what I’m trying to tell you was that one day I guess I was on my lowest of my lowest…went to church…and I kneel from the beginning of the door and walk all the way to the alter and I ask GOD to forgive me and I cry…I cry like I have never had cry before…and I look at Virgin Mary and I told her to please don’t let me go to the wrong path…I would pray everyday…is hard…trust me…especially when you have bad influence surrounded you like if you was in the middle of the sea and the sharks are running around you waiting for you to give up so they can eat you…and I would pray everyday…



Well honey it has been 10 years…and my life has completely change…I got married…and I have 2 beautiful children…we’re a drug free family…NOW don’t think my life is all roses…is not but I choose to change my life…Life is not easy, but LIFE is the way you choose to live it…Now what happened to you…I FEEL you…just by what you’re telling me…you know all of this is not your fault…you said it yourself, it started with your grandmother….and that’s what she showed your mother and unfortunately you also chose that path, they didn’t know better…it could be a lot of things….BUT today YOU know better…and there is a world out there…and you need to feel it…and you’re a WOMAN…and strong WOMAN…we can do anything…Take this time and care for BETH…do the online job…by the way pass the info…LOL!! Cuz I need a job too…but little by little you will rise…Jesus did…and the time you will have with your daughter spend it with her….try to be passive and I don’t know what type of communication you have with your ex, but try to be civil…walk with your head high…you have done a wonderful job as a mother…you know WHY….this is how I know you have done a good job…because your daughter chose to call 911…she saw that you needed help…and she wanted to give it to you…that might have been the only way to wake you up and telling you …HELLO you have a daughter...I want you to fix your life…so beat it…DO IT…but ONLY you can do it for yourself…NOW things are not going to be easy, your daughter may still refuse you …but take it as a test…and you may still have bad influence around you (mind you I have no idea, what you do) but always have God inside of you…always be true to yourself…and you will see how miracle do happen....God Bless and I will have you and Hope in my prayers

[deleted account]

Hi Dyanne and Miley... Thank you so much for your encouragement and advice. You know since my first post, I also need to say that I am a very stong Christian and am in church for various thing 3 to 4 times a week. I read something and it is what I need to do,,, burn the bridges of my past so I have no where to go but forward. In the last couple of weeks, I signed the paperwork for Hope's dad to have joint custody with me and I will see Hope every other weekend. I also took a drug test yesterday and hopefully at my next session, I will get a recommendation from my therapist that I can have unsupervised visits with her. The simple truth is that I have to start from scratch. I have no job, no car, and no home. Me and Hope have always lived alone and it's as hard for me as it was for her. But I am going after an online job that came to light in the past week. My car just blew up on me and caught on fire and I sold it for scrap. I've always been a "prescription drug" abuser ie.. recovering now. But that one night, I am so ashamed of myself, my mother would be so upset with me. You know I should and will in the future celebrate her death... Jesus has her, she isn't hurting and she is with her mom and dad and there is no more pain for her. I guess just the selfishness on my part is what kept me so sad. But why? I was there in ER when she died, I was holding her in my arms and whispering to her (she had a blood clot that went to her heart) but the last breath she said to me, honey, I love you but I can see my Jesus and my daddy waiting on me and she was actually smiling as she took her last breath. I think all these years I have grieved for ME... my loss of my best friend. It hurt so bad and God gave me my daughter 3 months after mom died. That is why I named her Hope. It was a big bandaid for the huge whole in my heart. And I hate to say this but my addictiver personality started with my grandparents. My grandmother was a addict, and so was my mother. She wanted to be numb and I understand that. It is/was a generational curse and I hope by me finally making some healthy and unselfish decisions, that it will not pass to my Hope. It's almost as if being away from me might be the best thing for her as hard as that is to admit. I just miss her jabbering about her day at school, I used to take a whole van load of her friends to the mall, church events, I was the "cool" mom and tried my best to be included and dependable. I guess what is bothering me so much now is that I've done EVERYTHING asked of me and if I even ask her why she is being fake or why she doesn't talk to me, all I get is "Mom, I'm not going there with you, I have to go". and I get hung up on. I don't understand after our close relationship for so many years, I'm just closed off. I know she wants a NEW relationship with me and I'm not on drugs or anything anymore... but inside I am still the same mom that had her, My prayer is that when I finally get to keep her everyother weekend, then I must just SHOW her the changes in me. Try to earn her trust back and let her kow that what she did for me is a blessing and changed my life. Hope tends to hide her emotions down deep and ignores them. I think she feels guilt when I wound up in jail instead of the hospital. The authorities lied to her and told her I was going to the hospital. So she felt betrayed too. I understand her calling 911, there was another adult here too that agreed. So after all is said and done, I'm trying so had to count this as a blessing, God had to do what he had to do to get my attention and he sure did. It is just ME that misses my daughter. No more sadness over my mom. I know she is happy and safe. Burning bridges of my pass so there is no choice but to move forward... Thank you so much for your help and advice. I kept watching and no one ever replied to my posts and that depressed me. I need an outlet to let my feelings out and in confidence and you two are the only ones that answered me. Thank you so much for that. Thank you for responding to a stranger and telling me what I need to hear boldly. Just don't wait so long to write me next time ok? lol Beth

MILY - posted on 10/21/2009

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Hi Beth, I'm soooo sorry your going through this..but I do agree on Dyanne...I don't understand the tweedy part, but did you have problems with your daughter before she call 911, I mean YES she might had been scare but I don't see why she would put you into so much trouble. I know 13 is a hard age, is an age that we don't listen to our parents and we want to grow up fast, and take it from me...I know what your daughter is feeling, I might be still wrong but your mom passed away, if you are a true Christian then you know she is with the Lord and one day you will see her, but your daughter is here and alive your time should be spend with her. My mother has done the same thing to me and you know that hurt me a lot. My mother wore black like for years, she was always miserable and made me feel bad, everyone was important to her except me, and trust me I went through therapy but I was young, so I wan't honest...it help but not enough, I had and I still have a lot of anger with her and now that I have children on my own I will refuse to put then through what my mother did to me...it took me a long time to understand her, also can I ask you a question, the friends that you live with from church, do you trust them, I'm not saying or puting things in your head but maybe that bother her...I know that use to bother me....my mom always had to rent a room because she needed help for rent, and of course that bother me because I wanted my own place...feel free in my own house...so I know I'm throwing things to you as your are reading this note, but I know I can relate to your daughter, but like Mr. Hofstad said is time for you..and your daughter will come around...and listen don't ever think your a BAD mother because your not, she is just a kid...she will realized it when she probably have children on her own...I did...but now my mother amd me...we have a better communication...Don't give up..keep sending her emails, gift, poems, cards...trust me cards are the best...and YES move on but to better your life...you need to let go of your mom...you need to find a way to let go of unfinish feelings..I can tell...Help yourself before you can help your daughter...God Bless and I wish you the best

Dyanne - posted on 10/19/2009

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So sorry to hear about how badly things went after your mom's death. I know this must be very hard and heartbreaking for you. But stop for a minute and think about how afraid your daughter must have been to call the police!! She was afraid she was going to lose you like you lost your mom!!! Now it is time to give her some time to heal and to deal with all of the changes. Use this time to your advantage and work on your own issues what ever they are. Keep sending her emails and cards, little gifts and just tell her you love her and miss her. Ask her about her new life and wish her the best. Don't give her any guilt trips because believe me she feels guilty enough. But she is anger with you and she needs time to handle all of the changes. The bloom will fall off the rose at her dad's. When he has to really start disciplining her and such..right now she is in the honeymoon stage..and getting love and attention from her dad at this age is a good thing..she might not need to go looking for it in all the wrong places. You are grieving many things and it takes time to move through the stages of grief. One day if you give her time your daughter will forgive you for that night and you need to forgive her. If you really love her than remember that love.

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