how do you get them to call more often

Lynda - posted on 12/03/2008 ( 52 moms have responded )

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Hi just wondering if any of you have a way of getting your kids to call, write or visit more often

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User - posted on 01/25/2009

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Good Question??? I have 4 children that are all married with families. Our 2 girls are very close to us, but the boys are a different story. Almost never hear from the eldest and hear from the other one when he feels like it. Must be nice to breeze through life with no thought of the ones that brought you up into this world!!

Mom - posted on 03/09/2010

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Just try to remember what it was like when you left home the first time. Life gets in the way a lot. Now is the time for you to do then things you always wanted to do but never found the time before. I now have time to paint and last year took motorcycle lessons for the first time ever. I now own my own motorcycle! How's that for a woman over 50.

Marilou - posted on 01/17/2010

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I just pick up the phone and call them or get in the car and visit them. Avoid, at all cost, the guilt trips. Remember how much you hated them and how they made you just want to not call or go home. E Mail is good too. I think they just need their space and I respect that. I have taught myself not to count the days I don't hear from them and never to mention it. I make the calls fun and encourage them to tell me about their lives and families. I keep it light and fun.

Mary Ann - posted on 01/14/2009

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Hello! My youngest lives 4 hours away and I hear from her when she's sick. I call her on my birthday. I have quit bugging her about the long silences; just try to keep everything positive and affirming, not whining about my own loneliness. I have visited once a year, staying in motels. That really means a lot to us both. We visit and chat then like there hasn't been any time apart. I almost want to frame the 3 letters I got! LOL. I occasionally also send letters, postcards, photos of her sister's kids, and print-outs of family email. I've learned that just 'cause she isn't in touch with me, doesn't mean that she doesn't love me or her sister and family. I've also seen that she's poor and works very hard, so is often too tired, busy or out of money for calls or visits. So the impetus is on me to keep the lines of love open - but not clogged up with blame or guilt. God bless you and yours!

Kathy30340 - posted on 08/26/2011

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It's been a long time since anyone posted to this thread, so I might be talking to myself. I have found many helpful comments her, as I took my daughter to college two weeks ago and hardly know she's still alive. She talks a little to her dad, with whom she has lived since we divorced, and I hear about her Facebook postings from friends we know in common. When we are together, we have a great time, and she was very caring the day we went to university because she knew I was limited in how I could help, since I had had back surgery one month earlier. I sent a text tonight with a smiley face asking whether she was still breathing, and she replied yes, but she had been busy. I like the advice to keep things light and positive, send her things she likes, and remember that she really does love me, even when I don't hear from her. My son still spends half his time with me, and we are very close. I think it's good advice to find things to do with my time before he leaves home so that I already have a life when he's gone. Thank you for your collective wisdom. You've saved me some heartache.

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[deleted account]

I have 2 sons. One lives 15 minutes away and the other 6 hours. I hardly ever hear from them. We get together holidays & birthdays ... Most of the tome. That's the way it is with sons. Wish I had a daughter. Both my daughter- in- laws call their mothers almost everyday. I would be happy with one call a week from my sons. Why are sons & daughters so different when they were raised the same way?

Shelby - posted on 03/31/2014

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I have three boys, and spent my parenting life giving them all I could. Two of the three boys called, but my middle son married a girl that likes to cause trouble, and so I don't hear from him very much. I have been sick for a while, and my oldest and youngest son are always checking on me, they have always shown me how much they love me and appreciate me. My middle son, not so much, I guess it's just a difference in personalities. Remaining positive is hard, when I yearn to hear from him. His excuse is always that he is so busy, but then I see his wife's facebook posts of them with her family all the time and it hurts, so I try not to go on facebook very often any more. Maybe someday...

Bobbie - posted on 08/20/2012

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the short answer is you don't. You take the cue from them and adjust. If YOU want to call and just say hi be sure to make it a happy call for both of you, not a "I am lonely and miss you so much" call. My daughter isn't clinging and is very self sufficient, always has been. I missed her like crazy but wouldn't allow myself to call her more than once every two weeks. This call was a happy call filled with support and encouragement. My first concern was to ensure I was calling at a good time. I admit my feelings were hurt when she said it was a bad time but I had to deal with that myself. I truly believe that since I didn't give her grief or make her feel guilty for telling me it was a bad time that she felt more comfortable talking and talked more when it was a good time. She is now 30 and I have heard her speak to her younger brother, who texts me at least once a week but she said he always wants something so that doesn't count. :)

Sandra - posted on 04/26/2012

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my children call me any day an night they get the time an urge they r always welcome in my home but only can't visit more than a week at a time .. they always tell i love u mom an then hangup or if they r going out the door they hug an kiss me because we never know if we will ever get the chance do jut that again I LOVE MY FAMILY.. I will always be me an have my own life an they know this also

Lori - posted on 04/26/2012

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When my kids went off to college I wanted to send them cards. There were no college themed cards so....I created some just for them. When they received them...I got a call! If you want to see how they the cards turned out-I put them on a website! All the best, Lori

http://myseedsoffaith.com/

Penny - posted on 09/30/2010

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I have 3, 2 out of the house- the oldest is 1 hour away with 2 children, talk to almost daily or more! The 2nd lives 9 doors up- we see him about once a month and he texts about twice a month- the kicker is the 1 who lives here, I see her maybe once a week in passing. The effort is made to get together for birthdays and holidays but.....rarely all of us together anymore. If it weren't for work and busying myself on the computer, I'd go nuts.... "They call when they get ready and that's the way it is, get used to it..." pretty callous response..
While I was never close to my mother, I called my grandmother and a special cousin at least a couple times a week, when I could get them, until they were gone and now I can't call them.....
Thank you for this board... I know someone understands....

Julie - posted on 07/03/2010

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i havent exactly got an empty nest because my 2 still live at home but do spend more time away than here (hotel home). my son is on tour with his band right now. last year he went on tour and txt at least 4 times a day to let me know how it was going and where he was. i got a hug when he left and a huge cuddle when he got home. this year - well lets say i know by the itinerary he left that he is in devon today. oh what a difference a year makes. from 21 last year to 22 this year my son finaly grew up and cut the apron strings. A BIT OF WARNING HE WAS GOING TO DO THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN NICE.

Carmelita - posted on 05/26/2010

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I think our grown children will want to call and see us more often if we remember what we felt like when we had a life and family separate from our parents. If my mother came and told me how I could do things in a different way to get a better outcome... Or she would show me how to do somethig that I thought I did perfecly well already.... I wouldn't be that anxious to see her the next time. However, if she saw things she liked about how I cooked, or taught my kids, or folded the clothes, it made me feel good about myself, and I wanted to have her back again (especially if I was feeling a little down and out) I think we parents of grown children have an important role. We can be encouragers; encourage, encourage, encourage! There is always SOMETHING great they are doing, and we can overlook anything they aren't doing too well yet. Just help them feel good about themselves, and they will want you to stay or come to visit again soon!!

Jolene - posted on 05/07/2010

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2 of my boys are friends of mine on facebook and 3 are on myspace and its beyond me how to get them to call .. they know i love em and thats what counts even if i just email those words to trhem and they never return one back i know i have done the right thing.. they realize they have their own minds and then they grow up and they go about their own lives.. what else can i say

Judy - posted on 04/09/2010

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boys are harder to do that. Miss them but know they are happy. funny part is once you are a parent and especially a single mom, it is hard to let go. Hardest thing I ever did. Travel alot but my mind is on the kids most of the time. Wish I could make them understand even though I can't be there, I am there in my heart. If you find a solution, please let all of us know.

Sandra - posted on 03/24/2010

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I ALWAYS HEAR FROM MY CHILDREN EVERY DAY AND THEY AND I TELL EACH OTHER WE LOVE EACH OTHER EVERY TIME WE TALK ON THE PHONE ARE IN PERSON .. MY MOM ALWAYS SAID ALWAYS TELL THE ONES YOU LOVE THEM NO MATTER WHAT CAUSE YOU NEVER HAVE THAT CHANCE DO TELL THEM AGIN IN THIS LIFE AND I BELIEVE THAT ..

Jill - posted on 03/20/2010

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Actually two of our 3 live pretty close to us We have Facebook accounts and keep in touch that way The third the youngest works but is still at home

[deleted account]

Offer to host Sunday dinner. If you don't want to provide all the food (or do all the preparation) ask what they'd like to contribute. Find out what they plan to bring or suggest what you'd like to round out the meal so you don't end up with several veggie trays and no dessert. We sometimes include extended family and end up with a dozen guests who can enjoy each others company. :=D

[deleted account]

OOPS! I made a typo in my last post. I meant to state that "I am NOW a 65 year old", not "I am NO 65 year old.
Sorry for the mistake. It does make a difference....LOL

[deleted account]

Hi Janet. I hear you! Same here. My daughter and I talk on the phone anytime we wish. My 2 sons are a completely other story. They hardly ever call me. I call them. If there is no answer()which is often), I call them. It's difficult to get a conversation going because not much is offerred from them. I ask, "What's new? What are your kids up to?" Even that doesn't get much response. It does make me sad. I live 2 1/2 hrs. away from my sons, so it's not easy to drive there for a brief visit and then return home. I am always welcome to stay at my one son's, but never at the other son's home. It's even difficult to get a response if I ask when I can come to visit. What am I doing wrong????

Paula - posted on 02/08/2010

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Pretty much the same thing here. Hear from the daughter but it is like pulling teeth hearing from the son. He will not let me be his friend on fb but I am with his wife. Go figure. My daughter... no problems... fb friend, she texts, calls regularly. There certainly must be truth to the saying about sons being sons until they take a wife but a daughter is always a daughter. It is sad and it hurts but they don't see it that way.

Cassaundra - posted on 02/07/2010

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I would be satisfied with just about anything. My daughter in law is on FB, and will answer most email. I write periodically for updates on the kids and to make sure bd and other packages make it safely. She usually answers. My son isn't on FB anymore.

It's not that I don't love her too, but I don't feel his mother is her responsibility. I doubt she thinks so either. My son is a grown man now. He makes his own choices, and his family is his responsibility. I look at it through the memory of when I was a young, married parent with small kids.

My husband took care of his own parents for the most part. But, that was another time and different expectations. Times have changed and so have roles. I just wait and hope the grandkids remember me and how much I love them.

Sandra - posted on 02/07/2010

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My son has a very busy life and doesn't have the time to spend it on FB, anyway I'll take the very personal conversations we do have no matter how infrequent they may be to a computer chat any day.........

[deleted account]

I don't? They are also on Facebook and we chat here? but if I do not catch them on, I e-mail them./ For some reason, they talk more openly and chat easier on technology.
I have one adult son still at home? I call him in the house and get no answer. But if I type "I need you" into FB chat..he comes! LOL! Use your computer. They'll talk away! LOL! :)

Sandra - posted on 02/04/2010

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Oh I wish he'd call more often or answer my emails, but he is so busy with his life which includes a wonderful wife Erin and two adorable children 4 yr old boy Grant and 4 months old Savannah Grace and serving full time as a Staff Sergeant in the United States Marine Corps. I have finally realized that he loves me and his father unconditionally and thinks of us often, but those text messages out of the blue telling me he loves me are the best. I also remember that I was alot like that at his age, I was living my own life and not conversing with my parents as much. Just hang in there....

Cassaundra - posted on 01/24/2010

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I talk to my daughter all the time. But, my son is a different story. We chat online occasionally, but i let him call. It hurts my feelings less that way. I've heard this is pretty much the norm.

Marcella - posted on 01/20/2010

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Hi Lynda,
My name is Marcella, I have 3 adult children w/2 granddaughters. 2 of my kids w/one grandaughter live close by, infact my daughter & granddaughter live a few blocks from me too. I get a 'willing' call or visit from her only in several weeks of each other. She works outside of the home so she's working straight through the week with just a little time off. Today's work ethics and value's are so differnt and demanding not leaving time to focus on the core of the family---the MOM"S! I know for me it's very lonely too. I even think it'd be great if God sent along a soulmate, (as I'm single); but with the 'changes' in today's culture--even the values & moral's of the men are different- in fact I wonder if there are Men in this world, they all seem like rebellious little boys who need MaMa's---lol
For me, I've concluded I have to find my own way or schedule to keep me active & busy which is a challenge since I don't work--Ihave a physical disability which limits how productive I can be in this very fast paced life. I do the best of my best and keep my faith and prayerlife going and that right there is the foundation of my being.

Beverly - posted on 01/12/2010

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Must admit. The dog thing works the best. I used to see people that treated their dogs like kids and thought how nuts it was...but here I am, loving my Sophie so much. The best part is you get unconditional love back!

Beverly - posted on 01/12/2010

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If you get the answer to that one, let me know. We moved from MD to NC alittle over 2 years ago. My youngest daughter used to call every day, now I'm lucky if I hear from her once a week. My husband just keeps saying she's busy, but I'm like "She's no busier than she was 2 years ago. So we moved to the beach in August. Now I'm wondering if we'll see more of our 3 kids or grandchildren.

Diane - posted on 11/20/2009

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hi i have three son and i agree with the son is a son til he takes on a wife, my son has always been close but now the wife is getting him to move away and taking my three grandaughters my heart is rip out but i have to get over it and try to keep open communication so he knows he can always call or come back home when he needs to my other two sons only call when they need something it is sad how they grow apart after getting married but hopefully u have a spouse and he becomes ur best friend try getting a dog that helps also. keep chin up they always know where home is.

Peggy - posted on 11/18/2009

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Texting is the greatest...they can tell you anything without the people they are with knowing who they are talking to...it is so uncool to talk to your parents in front of your friends. It is also an advantage to me at work...I can quickly answer any questions or respond to their comments without having to stop my work and talk to them. If we need to talk further, we can do it by phone later when it is convenient for both of us. They can take pics and send them to me at any time and I can see what they are doing. LOVE TEXTING!

Joy - posted on 11/12/2009

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Win the lottery, buy a vacation house or two . . . something like that. Oh yeah, learn to play world of warcraft or some online games they play, and you can role play with them all day long, and they won't even know it's you! :)

[deleted account]

Good question and I wish I had the answer! I have four grown children, 3 sons & a daughter. The daughter calls often so we keep in touch regularly. But it is not easy to track down the boys. I call them often, leaving voicemails and I send cards now and then. I have determined myself to get in touch with them often even if they don't reciprocate. It would be nice to be on the receiving end more often though.

[deleted account]

I have a son in the Air Force in San Antonio. He will be stationed for tech school in Biloxi in December. My husband and I are going to make sure he has a video phone so we can see him when we talk to him. It is the newest shift in technology and is wonderful. These phones are our niche product in our business. If I can help any of you ladies "see" your kids more just message me for more information or visit my website listed below.
We miss our son being here but it is sure nice to see his smiling face when we call him. It helps. Blessings to all of you as we learn to adjust to adult children.

Michelle Fisher
http://delenafisher.acnrep.com

[deleted account]

I have the same problem with getting my daughter calling, texting, emailing, even just a chat. Did anyone give you any solutions?

Erika - posted on 09/06/2009

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It's so good to hear that it is not only my kids that only call when they need something!! It must be normal then, I suppose ... I also try to keep up with what's going on in their lives through Facebook, e-mails and SMS .... we have to realise that they've got their own lives now. They'll understand our need for regular contact with them when they have kids of their own one day ....still wish I lived closer to them so that I could invite them over for pancakes on a rainy day ....

Bernice - posted on 08/12/2009

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My daughter calls me quite often but a son usually don't call often unless something is wrong or he just needs to talk. If it has been awhile since my son has called me, then I call him. My ex-husband has a harder time coping with them not calling than I do because he lives alone! Unlike me, he hasn't remarried, therefore he is always alone! I feel sorry for him but he needs to find other interests because our daughter has 2 boys and is raising them alone and our son has a wife and 2 daughters and they are very busy too! Good luck but I think they will come around. My daughter calls me all the time and my son will call me almost every day one month and I'll have to call him the next month. It's really frustrating at times but I don't let it get me down because I know they have their own life and sometimes they are just busy or totally exhausted! Love Bernice

Deb - posted on 08/06/2009

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Hi Lynda,

My son moved out 6 days ago. That is good. He is 22. It is time for him to spread his wings. As for me - - - I have been doing lots of thinking and crying. My current thoughts - -

(*) My friend tells me that she talks to her parents on the phone every day. She is over 50. What a brilliant idea! I can call him every day. Chat for 1 - 5 minutes. And "keep it happy" most of the time. Maybe . . . later . . . I will call him less often. We will see.

(*) I can call him ! I do not have to wait for him to call me.

Best wishes to you and all Empty Nest Moms,
Deb
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.

Connie - posted on 07/28/2009

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I have 2 young men, the youngest who is 22 and married almost calls me or his father everyday, he lives near by. My oldest, who's 25, finally moved out of the house last year, but when he did move, he moved 3 states away! I'm lucky if I hear from him once a week! Good thing for his future wife, she tells me what he's up to. Yes good thing for face book with keeping in touch with the kids.

Dorothy (Dottie) - posted on 07/26/2009

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I believe each child has a different personality. I have one that is amazingly easy to talk to on the phone and will call often. Another who might call once a week and it is hard to get to the meat of things. I always get off the phone with her wanting to know more! And I also believe that children can go through phases in their life. I personally use to call my mother quite often and then there are some time periods when I did not. I am now calling her about three times a week...... So hopefully you will hear more from them soon!

Mary - posted on 05/20/2009

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i email them all the time and then i at least got that!! i text them too but they work and can't be home when i call so... hang in there!! they have been more available lately!! get a lot to do on the computer like i did !! it keeps me busy so i don't have as much time too miss them as i used to.mine are in another state too, so i can only see them once or twice a year!mine are also on facebook and myspace so ican se what they are doing! like sandara below says

User - posted on 01/28/2009

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If I need my girls to call me, I leave a message on their Facebook to call and they call within the day. 

Anne - posted on 01/28/2009

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One thing that has helped for me is to use texting. Sometimes they are not were they can "talk" but they can read a few lines and respond back. E=mail is also a great way to keep in touch. I know it does not replace hearing their voices, but with our girls both are in college and very busy. I had to just realize that they were not at school to keep me informed with what they were doing. I had a  Big control problem before they left for college, so waiting and letting them contact me has really made us closer.  Hope my "2 cents worth "helps

Bertie - posted on 01/22/2009

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They are so busy! emails only work if I call & ask have you read your emails lately? :) I use IM's w/one so that does help. Too many activities keeping them busy. They are both married; so I try to keep in touch w/grandkids too.............and you can guess, it takes my doing to usually contact them. They aren't on facebook as they wouldn't have the time to keep up w/it. Love them dearly, but wish for more communication.

Carline - posted on 01/21/2009

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It sems to go in spurts. sometimes one will call very regularly, and the other is very wrapped up in what he is doing. It helps that I have basically adapted many of their friends from when they were growing up into our "family". If the boys are not in touch then usually their friends are. It helps but it's not the same. I look at a lot of pictures and when I can't wait anymore I call them. Their respective spouses are great to talk to as well.

Jenny - posted on 01/06/2009

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Hi Lynda, I am a mother of 3 who are all in college or beyond. I agree with these ladies that Facebook is very helpful in keeping up with my children, especially my daughter who is in college. They like to tell you what you want to hear, then you look on their facebook and find out the real story!! I haven't figured out how to get them to call other than calling them first and since they rarely pick up, I leave a "Mom" message of love and encouragement. If we are all in a hurry, then text messages will be read first and foremost over a voicemail.

Sandra - posted on 01/02/2009

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Hi Lynda - we are still working on that - we have one that calls almost every day, our youngest. They other 3 call or email when they can. Facebook is a blessing - can see what they arte doing/

Apps+8278986302 - posted on 12/29/2008

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Hoi Lynda, I'm a Belgian Mother of 3 children : one still at home in the weekends, other days at University; the 2 oldest are living together with their partners (and children) and want to get married in 2009. I have a very good contact with my children . They can come home everytime, , every day (always welcome ) , but when it's the birtday of one of us (child, mother, father, grandmother, grandfather ...) every one is invited to our home to celebrate. They know this and insist on it to be there. Always a very nice and warm "happy to see you again", even if they sow each other one week ago !!!

Janet - posted on 12/10/2008

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I hardly hear from my boys unless I call them. They say a daughter is a daughter all of her life. A son is a son until they get them a wife. I am very happy that they have made good marriages and they talk when I call. I try not to too much. The greatest thing has been Facebook. I see their posts even if I don't comment and my one son plays chess with me every day.

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