grief..help!!

Angie - posted on 04/27/2011 ( 2 moms have responded )

my dad passed away march 31. my dad was in the hospital for 2 weeks. he had a bad heart and fluid had build up in his entire body. i was told he was getting better and would be home a few days before he passed away. i went to see him twice and took my daughter with my once (i live and hour and a half away and was starting a new job or i would have went more often). i was called around 4 am, and called several times. i sleep with my phone on silent and didnt hear it. when i got up for work around 5:30 am, i got ready then checked my phone. i saw all the calls and called back. i was told my dad wasnt doing very good and to get to the hospital right away. i had to drop my daughter off with a friend first because i knew if my dad didnt make it, i didnt want to lose it in front of my baby. i got the the hospital about 45 mins too late. my dad was only 51 and i am 20. my daughter is 19 months. its been a hard month. ive been trying my hardest to take the best care of my daughter, but i am so hurt...not only that my dad died but that i didnt make it in time to say good bye...i have a lot of anger built up and i have been really good about not taking it out on kadence (my little girl). but i dont know what to do with it. instead, i have been taking it out on my fiancee. i feel horrible for it and i apologized to him in advance and every time im mean. i just dont know what to do. a few months ago i told my fiancee i didnt think my dad was going to be around for much longer so i would like to get married and give him another grandchild. now its too late. and now i have mixed feelings about both because my dad wont be there. he was there when my daughter was born and it meant so much to me since he wasnt happy about me being pregnant in the beginning, but my daughter became my dad's other little girl. he loved her and would do anything for her. i feel so lost without my dad. we werent really really close, but i always called if i had a problem or when kadence learned something new. now i cant do that. i can call my step mom but its not the same. i feel so hurt and lost and i dont know what to do with all my anger....i want to keep it together for kadence but its hard...i feel like its not fair that hes gone..and i know lifes not fair but sometimes it just sucks....sorry to go on and on...thought id give the whole story and see if anyone has any advice on what to do and where to go from here..thanks!