April - posted on 06/17/2010 ( 2 moms have responded )
So, I've been doing a ton of thinking lately. With my mom being sick with cancer our plan to have her watch our soon to be son after he's born and I'm ready to return to work is falling through. This is forcing me to be a SAHM. I have nothing against SAHM's, just it isn't for me. I enjoy the freedom of working, the friendships with people at work, and of course the money to splurge on this or that, and the ability to take random day trips or little weekend vacations. I want to be able to continue this once our son is born. However, when he's born, I wont be working, so all of this stops.
I know that Scott is a fantastic provider, and know with out a doubt that he will be a great father, it's just I feel bad that he will be providing everything, and I feel like I wont have anything to contribute. Sure I will be at home with our son, but is that enough?
I am so in love with our little man to be, but I wasn't ready to start a family, so please don't judge me when I say, I was not planning on having him right now, and it makes me sad. I want him, of course I do. It's just a big part of me, and my ambitions are going to go away.
Scott has allowed me to finish school, and since photography is my hobby and my other love, we decided that I finish school in this, so that I can be an independent photographer, and eventually open my own studio. That will take a few years I'm sure. But this allows me to take our son with me and still be able to help contribute to our household.
Scott isn't asking that I help contribute to the household, but for so long I have been and it would just feel wrong if I didn't. (we've been together going on 11 years in August; off and on. We are 25 and 26 years old.)
I know it's time we started our own family and settled down and all, but a part of me feels like I still am not ready for this? Does this make me selfish?