Husbands/Partners - How are they responding?

Sarah - posted on 06/21/2010 ( 4 moms have responded )

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Hey all,
so this is my 2nd pregnancy but i was single and on my own with my first and now i am married. So this is the first pregnancy my husband has dealt with.

My question is - what does your husband/partner do to help ease your pregnancy strain/stress? Are they helpfull? Do they complain about helping out or offer to do things for you? Are they involved or distant? Do they let you rest or whinge when you do? If you asked for a massage would it be too much to ask? Are they responsive when you try talking about the baby/pregnancy?

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Erin - posted on 06/23/2010

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It definitely took a while to sink in for my guy, also Scott lol. At the begining of the pregnancy he was great with giving me extra cuddles and hugs and calming me down when I started getting emotional without really understanding why. My emotions quickly got under control as the pregnancy went on and Scott kind of had it easy; as I had it pretty easy and had a pregnancy with very little complications or complaints. I did feel bad asking for much, and usually just stuck to the odd massage: sometimes I would get one, sometimes I wouldn't. Scott never really wanted to talk about the baby much, complained and grumbled when I asked him to feel the baby or talk to her, and wouldn't come with me to the prenatal classes or practice breathing or relaxation techniques with me. His was more of a physical support, getting me a drink without me having to ask him, cooking dinners more often. Emotionally he was kind of clueless, although I kind of expected it to be honest lol. The most Scott did was when I finally went into labor and after 30hr we realized my babe was breech and I needed an emergency c-section. It was Scott who came into the surgery with me and I don't know how I would have handled it if he hadn't been there to calm me down. That really was the moment that it hit him, finally seeing her and getting to hold her. Since she's been born Scott has been such a big help, and has actually had a couple mushy sappy moments himself. As Scott says, "girls make you feel things lol"

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Ashley - posted on 06/30/2010

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With my first pregnancy, my husband really didn't know how to react. And it's because it's not real to men (they don't feel pregnant, at first they can't see it, and even when you do get big they are somehow oblivious to it--- my hubby looked at pictures of us when I was 8 months pregnant last time and his words were, "Wow, I don't remember you being that big!"). But this pregnancy has been a dream with him. He has been completely understanding of everything. I have been treated much better this time around, and it's a much easier pregnancy! There's a big difference, this time he understands that I'm carrying a child!

Don't be too hard on him, but make your needs known. Use phrases like, "Honey, it's hard for me to stay hunched over, can you please clean the shower for me?" "I'm sorry I shouted at you earlier. Sometimes I just feel out of control." "I'm feeling very sick this morning, do you have time to fix me some toast?" They need black and white directions and sometimes need to know exactly why (like I said, completely oblivious, they don't feel pregnant).

And ALWAYS thank him a million times. "Honey, you have no idea how much help that was. I really appreciate it. I'll make it up to you in this way... [pick something easy for you, but meaningful to him, ex. foot massage]." A lot of times men feel like we pregos are very demanding and they don't feel any gratitude. And be honest with yourself, sometimes we get really mean, haha. Apologize for hormones because that's just a concept I don't think they will ever understand.

Oh, and try not to talk about the baby too much. Remember that he has a life outside of your body. It's hard not to talk too much about something so amazing, but just remember, it's not real to him yet.

Another thing to try is to get him involved in something he enjoys. I didn't make my hubby register because he wasn't interested. No big deal. I did find that he really liked reading to my belly at night. Well, he just read outloud to me and the baby. But when he realized that she kicked at the sound of his voice, he was hooked! He keeps reading to her even now (he has her bedtime routine downpat and loves it!). Now with this baby, he kept saying after I was 20 weeks, "I need to start reading outloud again so he knows my voice! You know, he's got ears now!" Reading has turned into talking to my belly, something I never thought would happen.

April- preterm labor is tooooo true! We have been battling that this pregnancy, and my hubby is waaaay more understanding than he was last time. It also gave us a practice run (a couple) to the hospital.

Anyway, I hope this helps! God bless!

Ashlee - posted on 06/24/2010

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This will be our first as well, and in the first three and a half months, I mostly got "Oh your not even sick..." with my morning sickness and migraines. Not all the time, but whenever he didn't get his way because I wasn't feeling well, that's what I'd hear. As far as easing my stress, he's really just the cause of it, he lost his job so we lost our insurance and we're getting by but he's always wanting to spend money on SOMETHING, anything, and beer and cigarettes, which I had to quit cold turkey so he doesn't see my frustrations he just says I'm being "moody". He is involved though, he helped paint the nursery and move the baby things in, he takes pictures of my belly progressing and he's always the first to show my belly off to our friends and family. He doesn't complain about helping out or doing things for me, but 90% of the time, you can tell he'd rather be sitting on the couch watching t.v. and feels bothered that I asked. He doesn't mind at all if I sit/lay down and rest, he actually encourages it. A massage isn't too much to ask, he will do it without complaining because I rub/scratch/massage his back almost everyday, but again, you can tell he'd rather be playing on his phone and they don't last for more than a minute. And for him to be responsive when I talk about the baby, I have to turn the t.v. off, completely off, not just down because that doesn't work, but off. I'd say he is definately acting better than two of my friends baby daddy's, by far, so I don't ever actually complain about it, and I know he cares and will be a good dad too.

April - posted on 06/22/2010

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Scott sometimes makes me want to scream and pull my hair out, because even though I'm a tough cookie and will push myself to the point of tears, sometimes I just can't, and need to stay put. He knows that I rarely complain about pain unless it's to the unbearable point, and he knows I rarely show I'm in pain unless it's also to the unbearable point. So sometimes he gives me a little hell, and expects me to get up and do it myself, or take care of what ever the issue is myself. When sometimes even though I'm not showing it I just can't.

But now that we are in the last trimester he has been more understanding, and the more he sees me pull myself through this pregnancy, and the more he reads up himself about this pregnancy, the more understanding he has gotten.

Also the trip to the hospital with preterm labor helped! =) Not recommending that, just it did open his eyes a little more, that I need more rest, and he needs to help me more.

So now to ease my pregnancy strain/stress he will walk the dogs for me, or help, (we have two big yellow labs). He doesn't make me bend over and pick up their waste, he will do it for me, and I can walk the smaller of our two girls. He has started to help with the house work, mostly the dishes and trash, the other things I can often do with out gaging or any strain. He will bring the groceries in now, and hand them to me so I can put them away.

He has been more helpful now that we are further along, which I am grateful for. He asks me constantly now if he's going to the kitchen if I need anything, or on his way home from work if I need a ride home from work, or if I'm at home if I need anything. He has made sure to cut my stress and workload as much as he possibly can.

He talks to me more about our pregnancy and our soon to be son. What we plan on doing for birth, after birth, etc.

I rarely asks for a massage, lately he's been really good at just seeing I'm in pain or discomfort and will automatically give me a little relief.

I think it's when the man realizes that it is HIS baby in there and sees and understands what you are going through that the light finally clicks on for them.

I've realized that not all men are going to be like the movies, and be all excited and do everything for you once you become pregnant, that most men, if not all, will generally wait until the realization that their child is inside of you and they need to help you. For every man it's different. Some sooner than others, but at some point I've noticed that mostly all men finally come to the realization.

What I did to try and help, was I left my what to expect books out, and pregnancy books out, with my parents magazine, and mothering magazines, and expecting magazines, out on the coffee table (when we are home either alone or together we spend a majority of our time in the living room). He ended up reading up on his own, and then looking on line on his own. This helped because he understands what I am going through.

Plus I found a daddy to be webpage for him, and he reads pregnancy from the daddy pov, as well as we went and got a daddy to be book for him. Borders has several, and Barnes and Noble had a few.

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