advice needed, relationship on the rocks

Melissa - posted on 10/18/2010

I think sex just a symptom of the real problem. He feels insecure in your relationship and feels the need to control things. I could understand his point of view IF you were chosing masturbation over having sex with him, he may feel rejected, neglected, insecure and inadequate. BUT that is not the case, the reason you do not want to be intimate with him is because of real phycial pain, and this should be more important to him than getting his.
However, even you did not have this pain I wouldnt blame you one bit for not wanting to have sex with him, that is an act of love and togehterness, and Im sure after the hurtful things he said to you you dont feel very safe, secure or connected to him, that will take time and a lot of work.
Maybe he doesnt understand how much his words (heat of the moment or not) affect and hurt you. Try telling him this, sometimes people with anger problems wont even remember the things they say in an argument because theyre so fired up. However, its no excuse.
The fact that he doesnt want you to masturbate because he thinks you'll 'love it and be doing it all the time' shows how truly insecure he is in himself. Him insisting on doing things *inserting yeast infection tablet* for you is a sign of a control issue, which is also reflected in his jealousy over your relationship closeness with your mom.
After Olivers birthday party I would have a talk with him, explain how you feel, maybe sit down one night when you have time alone to think and write him a heartfelt letter explaining everything. Let him read the letter see how he responds. From what you've said I would suggest talking to him in a loving maner *IF you want things to get better* as he seems to take any sign of rejection very hardly. However, this doesnt mean that his words or actions can be overlooked or dismissed, he needs to be accountable for the things he says and does.
Regardless of what any ex girlfriend did to him he has a family now. You and Oliver should be his number one priority. He is connecting sex and love, and although they are often intertwined it is very possible to have one without the other.
Try to relax for now and focus on enjoying your little boys first birthday party!
Let us know how things go.
Good Luck Jade.

Dara - posted on 10/14/2010

First of all, if you actually were pleasuring yourself, why on earth would he care? It's your body, and you can do what you want with it. That's besides the point though. It sounds like his insecurities are way off the charts, and you need to seek outside help. Counseling could definitely be a benefit. He needs to understand that sex is painful for you, and if he can't put his sexual drive aside to help you get through a hard time, then there is definitely something wrong. That said, there are other ways to be intimate without actually having intercourse, and I wonder if, after you talk it all out with him, he would be willing to give those things a try until you aren't experiencing the pain. Definitely do seek outside help though, even if it's just to learn how to communicate and empathize with one another.

Patricia - posted on 10/14/2010

Men don't understand what it feels like to have a baby, nor the affects afterwards. I'm going through the same thing with no sex drive whatsoever! It's hard. I'm quite content with going to sleep every night, but my partner wants something more. I was advised to lose weight, however, that doesn't seem to be your problem. A friend of mine had the pain during sex, and she went to see her gyno several times. It turned out that she had a chronic yeast infection, and gradually it went away with medication. I say keep going back to the dr every time there's pain.
As for your boyfriend, keep reassuring him that you're there for the long run. Tell him that you are a family. Suggest couple's counselling. It should show him that you are definitely committed. Put an enphasis on cuddling right now, and not to put so much pressure on "the night" after seeing the doctor. I wish you the best of luck!

Jade - posted on 10/13/2010

thanks for the reply guys... we are still living together but were more like friends abit now because im still angry with him... he has never been violent but if i say something he doesnt like then he always has abit of a temper. he has said before that he would take oliver if we split but he never said it the way he did that night. his ex girlfriend cheated on him and he is very insecure. he says that since being with me he has lost all confidence because i always turn him down for sex. i mean he has said before if we have sex once a week id leave. i dont know how other mums feel but after being on a heavy period for 3 weeks the last thing i want is sex!!! i feel like i love him, but then i am young i wonder if i even know what love is because sometimes i cant stand him being in the room. he did tell me that he stopped taking his tablets for about 3 weeks because he thought he didnt need them anymore, but he is back on them now. he has accused me of doing that to myself before, when he was taking his tablets... i have been going the doctors as i always have pain during any intercourse and wanted my mum to go with me as were very close and it seems like he is jealous. i donbt know if you have heard of it but the doctor said i may have vaginism which makes the muscles spasm during intercourse which is why its painful, i told him i dont want to do anything until ive been the doctors so he has been planning a night for the day i come back from the doctors, when i told him i wasnt ready yet as im still angry with him... the doctor told me that i need to have a bath etc and try to do it myself one night when chris isnt there and baby is asleep because i have never had an orgasm so she could find out if its just with other people, when i told my partner he went nuts because he thinks i will love it and always be doing it. it seems to me like he cares and wants to protect me but its getting to be abit controlling now, anything i have to do for myself he will say that he can do it for me. like when having thrush when pregnant and you have them canestan duo things and he made sure that he did it and not me.. he is not bi-polar but when he went the doctors a while ago they said he is depressed and has an anxiety problem... i think i am way too far in with this, he is always so serious and asking questions and making out that he shouldnt be treated like this. i have never been so confused and its my sons birthday in 8 days, we have bought all his presents food etc and people are coming over. i dont want to ruin that. thanks to everyone i feel better that you all dont think i am over reacting

Melissa - posted on 10/06/2010

So sorry you have to deal with this Jade. I can't imagine what that must be like. Has this behaviour came out of nowhere or was he always like this? Are you sure he is still taking his medication and hasnt secretley stopped? have you researched side effects to his tablets? Although all of these things could play a role in your situation one thing is for sure: you DO NOT deserve this! You are right you're a lot more mature than him. Do you live near your family / do they know what has been going on? If I were you I would let them know, not in detail but so they are aware of the situation. Do you feel scared or threatened by him? Does he do this type of thing often? I know we are all human and make mistakes, have bad days, get in fights and say things we really shouldnt and dont mean, but if this is a pattern I would be verry worried. What if one day he gets angry with Oliver? You really have a lot of thinking to do and I dont think anyone on here is going to be able to give you a definite answer of what you should do, only you know that. Just remember that you are not only making this decision for yourself, youre making it for your son. I hope this helps a little bit and I wish you the best of luck!

Leslie - posted on 10/05/2010

Was your partner diagnosed as bi-polar? b/c he sounds like someone I know who is. They just go off on these paranoid rages for no reason......but then they are really sincerely apologetic; almost horrified by what they have done/said. However, this man has basically made threats with regards to your son. Is violence a real possibility? If it is, you need to ensure your safety and that of your son first thing. You can tackle any problems with the relationship still.....but I am a bit concerned about this kind of abusive rage. This is not love. Love always uplifts....not drag you down. Moved in with him when you were 16 --- so he was 23? He took advantage of someone young and vulnerable. Is that the kind of man you really want to be with? Want your son to grow up around and look up to? Turn into? I guess time will tell if he does "make it up to you", but I wouldn't let him off so easy. There would have to be real change.....and that starts with some professional counseling. On his own, and then couples if you decide to stay. Nothing short of that would make me let him back in the door. You don't have to be treated like this just because he is the baby daddy. Don't be afraid to stand up for yourself......and if you have true fear of him at anytime......get out asap. Take care of you and your baby.

Patricia - posted on 10/05/2010

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Patricia - posted on 10/05/2010

Oh my! I don't know if reassurance would help at this point. He sounds awfully insecure in your relationship. Why is he accusing you of these things? Is it due to past mistakes?

I've been there once upon a time, and the best thing we did was to go and speak to a couples counsellor. It felt good to get those bad thoughts out and to release some tension. It sounds like you need to start somewhere, and you do love him, so it's worth it right?

Good luck!