New Baby & Meddling (PSYCHO!) Mother In-Law!!!

Paula - posted on 01/13/2010 ( 22 moms have responded )

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Even since I had my baby girl in October, my mother in-law is trying to be the mother instead of the grandmother. She wants us to do everything her way. I have chosen to breastfeed my daughter and it is working out great for the baby and I. She is so against me breastfeeding her so she can feed her and is trying to make me start feeding her cereal and other things but the breastmilk is doing so great with her and I see no need in introducing solids to her yet. She is so hard headed and won't listen to what my husband or I have to say..she is trying to take over everything! Please, someone give me some advise on how I should approach this MAJOR problem!!!

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Priscilla - posted on 01/25/2010

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I had and still get comments like this every blue moon from my mother-in-law and my son in almost 4 months old. She still asks about feeding my son food and still tries to give him formula when she knows that I only feed him Breast milk and that's all I intend to feed him for a bit longer. She wants to be in control and also wants that bonding moment. Don't stand down though. I personally love that fact that I am the only one that can calm my son when he's hungry. He may be crying to eat, but I see it as him calling for ME. I love it so much. It's my own personal power trip on that. Because I'm always being asked to pump out milk so others can feed him. I do sometimes, but even than I still say I don't have bottles made for him. I just don't like sharing that moment. The only person I'm happy to let feed the baby besides me in his daddy. But I don't like for her too. It's also because since she's so persistant on giving him other foods...I think she'd give in formula is I gave her the chance. So I don't even leave him with her for too long (and hour and a half tops).
It really depends on what type of person you are. Because there's a few roads you can take to handling this.
My way was to be outspoken and blunt. I was nice and a bit passive with her at first, but as she kept interfering with my breastfeeding and pushing the formula. I got more aggressive. Now I've taken all the bottles from her home, hid the huge formula tin she bought, and I don't leave her with him for too long. If I do leave. It's right after I feed him and I'll be back with-in 1 1/2 tops.
You can sit down and talk with her. I tried this too. It got to her, because I said that I am trying to enjoy these baby moments with my baby, because he'll only be a newborn for such a short time. I understand that she's had children before and she raised them, but he's mine and I'd just like to raise my own baby the way I feel is best for him. She said but I did it, I know how, ... I said but times are different, things have advanced, and I know best for him. I'm him mother and I get to do this once. So let me do it in peace. I don't want to avoid, ignore, nor dislike you. So please if you like to help, just ask what you can do and I'll let you know what I need help with. Other than that, if I have it and I'm fine. Just be his grandmother; play, laugh, fun, shop.

Evie - posted on 01/27/2010

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Oh dear, I wouldn't cope with it. I would go for a straight "sorry, but the child is mine, I will raise him up my way, Im the mother, I need no help or advice from you, please do not insist because you are making me a bit mad". And that's it! DIRECTLY.. ;)

Lindsay - posted on 01/25/2010

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what if you bring her along to the baby's next check-up? maybe if she hears from the doctor that breast feeding is the best for the baby, and no cereal until 6 months from someone outside the family it will help.

Samantha - posted on 01/28/2010

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omg i have the exact same problem as you... we can't say anything because it sounds rude... your husband has to put his mom in her place... this is my bf's mom's first grand child so she's really annoying my mom had 4 before i had my daughter... mother in laws are crazy lol... she's always like i did this when my kids were you daughters age... she also says give them cereal and fruit mix them together... im like she only 3 months my mom told me at 6 month to give them can fruits... cereal we give her once a day... but just because she has 2 kids doesnt mean i should have to do everything they way she did it... and she doesnt even ask me before she does stuff.. like at christmas she made my daughter taste an olive without me knowing and i saw a pic that they took with my camera and i was like omg dont feed my daughter anything like she could be allergic... she like you said the baby cant get sick before 6 months.. i said major sicknesses like chicken pocks... but if she allergic she allergic... and the bapistim is another problem... my mom has cancer and is going through kemo.. my mother in law keeps pushing me to call the church.. like i have bigger problems.. then she's like fine then .. i baptised my kids at not even 3 months old... i dont have to do what you did.. geeze.. my mom has more of a right to be at the baptism then she does... mother in laws make you life so complicated.. and everytime i tell her not to do stuff... she bad mouths me to my fiance he'll tell her to stop and she'll keep on talking bad about me... im a lazy person that does nothing, so she says.. i always have the baby but when people come over i let them spend time with her too... but im not letting her babysit for a while ... my fiances dad and step mom babysit no problem they understand that its our baby and to let us parent the way we want... my mother in law doesnt

Toya - posted on 01/27/2010

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paula, i agree wit hayley - for peace's sake listen so she feels valued but u dnt ave to take her advice as u always kno ways best for ur baby.

it doesnt hurt hwevr to remind her sumtimes dat she is UR baby. i had a meddling mother-in-law but as my hubby says evrythin i feel shows in my face and i did let her see... she eventually backed off

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Jj - posted on 12/28/2013

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I understand the Grandma's point of view. She comes from a place where she has raised her children. To her that is like a trophy. She has experience to share and has been through all of this before so when she see's you doing something that is not helpful in the long run for the child she just has to speak out. Not to be mean but to save you the anguish she had to go through while raising her children. You don't have to be mean to her just understand where she is coming from and that she is doing it out of love. I also see 1st time mothers making this mistake about the grandmothers in their life. It's not as much with the second or third child because the overprotective moms calm down by then.

Patricia - posted on 02/08/2010

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This woman needs to understand what are boundaries! My advice would be to create a team with your husband and approach her in a caring and loving matter to remind her that she is the grandmother, not her mother. She is welcome to give advice, but pushiness isn't wanted nor appreciated. Let her know that she is wanted and loved, but if she continues to put stress on issues which you don't want her advice, then she will have to go home. If she doesn't get the message with this, she needs some counciling resources in her community. It is extremely important that your husband is with you when you speak with her so it reinforces the point.

Jayme - posted on 02/08/2010

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my mil is always telling my hubby he is doin stuff wrong. it makes me mad b/c he is a father.

-she told me that she wants to be called mom. she said that i will be mommy and she will be mom(WTH)

-we are looking at houses and she wants to go with to look at all of them to see if they are good enough "for her lil boy" WHAT!!!!!

Donna - posted on 02/06/2010

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i have a grandbaby...and I know that your mother in law is just feeling like thats how she can bond with her grandbaby..maybe try letting her feed her bottles of water at times (if you give your baby water) or maybe thats something you can start the baby on or when your mother in law is around allow her to give the baby water I'm sure she will feel as though she bonding then... hope this helps

Jessica - posted on 02/05/2010

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Lay down the law! You are her mother, not your MIL. If she can't accept that, then she has no business being around you guys. Don't compromise your baby's health to feed your MIL's psychotic "needs" to feed her.

As for your MIL, get her a dog or something (maybe a stuffed one so that she doesn't feed it the wrong thing lol).

Chrissy - posted on 01/27/2010

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my mom in law is pushing cereal, water and other things also. I cant stand it especially with having a momma's boy as a hubby. my baby's ped said breastmilk is all he needs right now til 6 months old. breastmilk is working out great! She thought I was hoarding my baby from her lol when he was only two weeks old. breastfeeding every 30-40 min and babies sleep A LOT. plus babies cry to be held and when they are tired. I guess she didn't know that babies cry. She has no clue what breastfeeding in-tales because she never breastfed.

Lauren - posted on 01/26/2010

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I totally understand your situtation but its not just the mother in law its my father too. Honestly you really can't tell hard headed ppl anything so don't waste your breath you know whats best for you lil one so let her talk they like to hear themselves anyway so just say okay thats fine i understand and do what your doing taking care of your child. Your lil one will tell whats up. So ignore her, dont stress out over an controll freak.

Janet - posted on 01/26/2010

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Lindsay suggested taking your mil with you to the doctor, but I kinda dissagree. I have a mil that thinks she is right about it all as well and she wouldn't believe anything I said. But that's her problem, not mine. You shouldn't need to prove yourself, you are the mother. What does mil think, that you don't have your baby's best interests in mind. Tell her that you don't want your relationship ruined so she needs to let you be the one in control of your child. And you will let her know if you need help. I breastfed for two months, but my grl didn't have sucking power so I was pumping most of the time. And then switched to formula. My girl is happy and thriving, but my mil wanted me to breastfeed and told my husband I was complaining young mom who only cared about my body. My girls are 15 months apart and as a mom who had no help on a regular basis I think I did great just breastfeeding for the first two months, especially when I had to pump, and that takes lots of time away from my two little girls. So I did what was best for my family. Good job though on sticking with the breastfeeding and always remember you know your child better then anyone else. :)

Vivian - posted on 01/21/2010

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Oh boy, I have the same MIL problem and need major help too! Only my MIL is a bit more manipulative. I don't have a great relationship with her, but I don't want to create enemies either. When she decided to stay and "help" take care of my son even while I am on maternity leave, I allowed her to do so. I gave her tasks to do to help -- change his diapers, burp him, put him to sleep at nap time, etc. while I just breast fed him during the day. My house has thin walls and you can hear everything that goes on from across the floor -- even a pindrop. That's when I heard her talking to her friends and DH saying things about what I do that is wrong/incorrect in her mind. She would say that I don't give my son to her to hold often, that I don't want him to recognize his own grandma, I'm keeping her locked in the house to babysit (it's 30 degrees and mid-winter!), that I make his napping schedule so she can't play with him, etc.



For your case, I would follow as some others have replied -- just nod your head and smile. Then reinforce through your DH what your rules are so he can relate back to your MIL. No solids until 6+ months old.

Lise - posted on 01/17/2010

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Just remember that every time someone gives the baby a bottle, you need to pump at that time to keep up your supply. :)

Michele - posted on 01/17/2010

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You are totally doing the right thin. I would show her a book on breastfeeding. Currently, the World health Organization (WHO) recommends breastfeeding exclusively for the first six months of life. As long as your baby is thriving, there is no reason medically to switch her and to do so could cause digestive / allergy issues later in life. What I've done with family to allow them some bonding time with the baby, is to use a breast pump to store extra milk in the fridge or freezer. Then my husband, or mom, etc can bottle feed the baby breast milk and it helps them bond with the baby. It might help placate her for awhile. Stay strong - good luck!

Lise - posted on 01/16/2010

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You can explain your reasons or just tell her that you appreciate the input but plan on raising her your way. You can try involving her in other ways - after you feed, ask her to burp. I do that all the time - I hate burping, and my baby spits up a lot. My mom and MIL are always ready with a burp cloth now!

I would just like to say good for you for sticking with what you know is best!

Nadia - posted on 01/16/2010

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omg that sounds like my motherinlaw when i had my 1st, sometimes being to nice about doesnt work my motherinlaw wanted me to give my baby cereal from day in a bottle of coarse and i told hell no there is no reason as long as baby is thriving breastmilk is best as my doc said ur baby needs nothing else but ur milk and just tell her u want to do things your way thankfully i moved away from mine dont worry after time she will get the picture

Sara - posted on 01/14/2010

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Inform her that you're not supposed to start feeding them solids of any kind until AT LEAST 4 months but closer to 6 months. If your baby is thriving on BM then there is no reason to move her up to that. Giving her solids too fast can cause her to have major tummy aches since she can't digest them properly yet. It's ultimately your decision, your the parent. My guess is she's wanting to be part of the bonding process and thinks if she can help with feeding she will bonding more with your baby. Sounds kind of controlling. Some moms just can't let go. I would just tell her you're considering it (although you're not) and she will be placated for a while thinking her opinion matters and it will buy you some time until she brings it up again. Hopefully, your baby will be old enough to start cereal by then. Good luck!

Hayley - posted on 01/14/2010

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oh my, some times ppl live through others. I can relate slightly, my mother in law would always comment on how much i Breast feed my 2.5 month old. and boy did it get on my nerves. Listen to her so she feels 'needed' but you dont have to impliment !! because she is your baby not hers, and you will always do what is right for your bubby,

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