Advice on how to break my pregnancy news to my parents

Andrea - posted on 05/27/2010 ( 9 moms have responded )

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I am almost 12 weeks and definitely showing. I'm hesitant about saying anything to my parents because of the backlash I'm going to receive with their disapproval. I'm 36 years old, living on my own and have been for several years, and I know their opinion really shouldn't matter, but I just don't want to deal with the condescending comments and disppointment from them. I know I will have to say something sooner rather than later. I considered writing a letter to tell them, even though they live 20 minutes from me, or calling on the phone just so I wouldn't have to face them. I was also considering having a very close family member there with me for support, possibly along with my fiance if and when I tell them in person. I know they are not going to approve, but this is something I've always wanted and this was no accident. Heck, they don't even know about my engagement and I've been engaged since Valentines' Day.I chose not to tell them about the engagement because of the fact that they would think we weren't together long enough (about 6 months) before getting engaged. Most of the rest of my family is very happy about the situation and have given congratulations and started volunteering to help, but my parents on the other hand will not approve because they feel I can barely take care of my son who is handicapped and will think I'm nuts to have another for fear of having another child with the same condition and not being able to financially care for them both. I admit it is a challenge to care for my son with no help financially from his father or the state for disability, but I do OK. I make a decent living, but not in the lap of luxury. Not to mention the fact that my fiance is now out of work, so that will be another strike against us.They will probably assume that the engagement is a result of the baby on the way, which is not the case. I am prepared to lose my family over this as I was put in the same situation before when I conceived my late daughter who passed away in '05. After their initial disapproval, they came around after a few weeks and loved her to pieces and were happy about her arrival and even supported me through her death when I lost her at 5 months into my pregancy and helped with the burial. Any advice is greatly appreciated. Thanks.

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Carolee - posted on 05/27/2010

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Honestly, I would just send them a card with an ultrasound picture in it.

Lauren - posted on 05/27/2010

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I was super nervous about telling my family as well because my husband and I had just gotten married and we are still really young and my husband is in college and doesn't work. I know it isn't the same situation, but I know how scary it is telling your family when you already know your reaction. Unlike you we live about 5 hours from my parents, so we did it over the phone! It was super nerve racking, but I did it with my husband at the same time on speaker phone and it made me feel so much more better with him there. The other nice thing about doing it over the phone was that I could turn them off if I didn't like the reaction!!! haha I know that sounds bad, but it was definitely less of a stress that if they had a bad reaction I could just walk away from it and hang up the phone. Our parents were um shocked and it took them a while to process as well, but I think you should tell them and then give them space to think it over and accept it. Hopefully they will react in a much more positive way because having a baby is so much excitement and joy and it is always nice to have the extra support!! :-D

Jane - posted on 05/27/2010

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i'm so sorry for the loss of you daughter. i can't imagine that.

i think you need to go w/your fiance hand-in-hand and tell them that you are both engaged and have been and are expecting. and be sure that you set the tone of the converstation, don't start it w/an attitude that they will disapprove - what of those two things would anyone not be happy about? if sadly they are not, keep it brief and tell them that you are sorry they cannot be happy for you in this and hope they will feel differently and join in your joys. b/c it is sad if parents cannot be happy for their kids, especially w/the heartache you've been thru w/the loss of a child and the day-to-day care you give your son. it's WONDERFUL news that 1) you found a great guy and 2) you are courageous enough to expand your family.

don't let your parents pass judgement on you. you have been thru the loss of a child, you will never be thru it, but you have had to bury a child and you take care of your son on your own. you may have lived a few more lives than your parents by now and have a great deal more life experiences, unfortunatley.

hold your head up high and ENJOY your happinesses! if they cannot join you in this, then leave it by the wayside for now and cultivate the relationships in your life that support your happiness.

good luck!

p.s. i was not fully divorced and pregnant w/a new man i had met 4 months prior when we told our families that we were expecting our first. so not everything happens "in order" or "the way it's suppposed to." as long as it is right, it's all that matters.

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Elizabeth - posted on 06/04/2010

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I so could have been writing this last month just I'm 25, unemployed since Sept 09, and was 5.5 months when my parents found out. I grew up in a very very strict Southern Baptist home where unwed ladies getting pg was a huge "no-no". I was even scared to tell my twin sister for fear she'd tell my parents. They wouldn't understand that I was on BCP's but the doc put me on a low dose where I need a high dose due to family history of only getting pg while on the pill.

I had to go home the week before for my birthday (April 12) since my father was traveling to Brazil. This is when my sister found out since we drove home together. She says she'd known for a while but was to scared to say anything to me. My parents told her then that they knew because I had a small belly, never ate that much, and never went the bathroom that much.

A month later they came to visit for Mother's day. My dad out right asked how I was feeling and then handed me a bag of "goodies". He's a pharmacist so he brought me folic acid and everything else I'd need just in case I didn't have it already. My mother even surprised me by lifting my shirt up a little to see my belly and commenting that she thought it'd be bigger.

Needless to say I'm so glad they know. They are not happy about me not being married and pg but we'll have been together 3 years right after her birth. They were also not happy about the father not stepping up to help. He started changing recently and they call at least 3x's a week to check on me and baby.

I was so prepared to be kicked out of the family, my car taken away (driving dad's since he sold mine as I refused to drive a manual after my accident), and loose my school money. I knew as long as my baby was fine I would be fine to with the support of my friends. I would just tell them and get on with life. I had already gotten up the nerve to tell them on the trip for my birthday but my sister wouldn't let me "ruin my dad's trip to Brazil" so I was going to tell them on Mother's day.

Lauren - posted on 06/01/2010

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I am glad everything went well!!! Hopefully that support will pass on to your dad as well!

Andrea - posted on 06/01/2010

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Well, I sat down and told my mom everything yesterday. She took it much better than I thought, although she really had a problem trying to hear me out, so my fiance and cousin had us all sit down and that way she had no choice but to listen to what I had to say. Funny enough, she claims she knew all along about the baby cause she could tell by how my body had changed. Now I still have to sit down and tell my dad, but she has given me her blessings and vows to be there for me if and when I need her. Thanks for your advice ladies.

Andrea - posted on 05/28/2010

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Well, I have talked about this whole thing with my fiance and we are going to tell everything next week. If they accept it, great, if not, I'm not going to worry about it cause the baby is coming regardless.

Liz - posted on 05/27/2010

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first of all congratulations, and second I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your daughter. As for the whole telling your parents thing I know that can be hard. When my husband and I fell pregnant the first time in 2007 with our twins, we had just officially gotten engaged a few months before we had told our parents. At that time we didn't know it was twins, but that we were just expecting. We had to tell them over the phone because we were both out of state at the time with school. It was one of the hardest phone calls to make.

This time around with my current pregnancy, this one was completely unexpected because apparently we conceived while I was on the birth control pill, once we got over the shock though we couldn't be happier. This time we told our parents in person. They weren't happy at first, but they got over it. Other family members on the other hand are another story, but I won't go into that.

I would encourage you to have your fiance with you when you break the news, and if they think that you two are engaged because of the child, there really isn't much that can be done about it. Just try to focus on the positives, you have some family that are supportive of you, and although its a rough situation now, things will improve. I'm sure if they are disappointed and all that now, they'll turn around once your little one is born.

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