HELP! How should I handle my mother?

Corinne - posted on 04/26/2010 ( 6 moms have responded )

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Ok let me start by saying I'm 24 and I've been with my fiance for 10 years now. Also this is my first child but not my mothers first grandchild. My brother has a little girl but his wife has been always been very controlling and my mother had no input on anything baby with them. Well now I think she is trying to take it all out on me so to speak LOL It started when my fiance and I made certain decisions about testing or not to test and she didn't agree with what we did. Well for that I got yelled at and ignored for 3 days. Next was when we went to do the registry she didn't agree with what my fiance and I were scanning and actually asked the lady from the store to erase it even though we said no. Well since we wouldn't change it she acutally got so upset she called my brother to come get her cause she didn't want to be around us anymore. Next issue was my fiance's mother planned a surprise baby shower for his side of the family as this is her first grandchild. It made her so happy to do this and to see the

looks on our face. Well when I told my mother about it she got "werid" it was the 10,000 questions about it and what I got and why people got certian things. An hour later she calls me and tells me she doesn't have time to plan one for our side of the family (now this is after a month of my best friend and step mom asking her to help plan one for me) she asks me to plan it. Yes your read it right my mother asked me to plan my own shower and no she really wasn't too busy but I wont get into that. Everytime I tell her what I've done for it and ask her if she has gotten the things she said she would the answer is no sorry I haven't yet. Now understand I'm at 33 weeks so I dont have much time left LOL. Its hard to say but my mother and I have been so close all my life and I dont think I've ever been so disappointed in her and felt so hurt by her actions. I've simply ignored all the other things and way she has acted about things up until now. Its like I don't even want to talk to her at this point; my step mom

has been more helpful and offering to help and pay for things. I don't want to rely on her getting the things but also do not want to step on her toes if she is willing to help. I don't know what to do about her and I know my fiance is getting fed up with hearing me cry and get so upset. I've even gotten to the point that she has stressed me out so much that the doctor has recommended her not be in the delivery room. Yeah I didnt tell her that. Does anyone have an opinion or suggestion of how to talk to her or ignore her or whatever. I'm up for anything at this moment not to be so stressed out.

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6 Comments

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Chantel - posted on 04/28/2010

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You really need to worry about yourself and the baby. This is a very hurtful situation. I cant say why your mother is actuing this way but things you need to do now is go right to her and tell her exactlly how you feel. That this should be the happiest time in your life and shes hurting you over and over again and stressing you and the baby out. Mabey then shell explain whats really wrong and u can figure out what to do from there or if she just doesnt care to understand then its probley time to ignore her for a bit and let her relize whats shes going to be missing. The most important thing right now is the health of you and your baby and you do not need all the stress thats she putting on you. I wish you the best of luck.

Jenna - posted on 04/27/2010

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I'm sorry you are having such a hardtime with your Mom. This makes it very difficult for you. I really do suggest sitting down and talking to her. Letting her know how she makes you feel and what she does that upsets your fiance and you. Make it clear that if she continues to be like that it will affect her relationship with until thebirth of the baby and that will affect the baby if she continues like that after the baby is born. You have to think of yourself and your family now ( your fiance and child). If it is too hard to say these things to your mother then write it in a letter but be sure you are ready to stick your guns when it comes to any decisions you make about your mother. If your mother truly cares, I'm sure she does deep down, then she needs to see that her actions are hurting you. Be strong now while you still can. Good luck!

Carolee - posted on 04/26/2010

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Sometimes, no matter how much it hurts to do so, you just have to be blunt with her. Tell her that she's causing so much stress. Let her know that if she keeps this up, she won't be allowed near the delivery room.



Make sure she knows that, while you do appreciate her opinions and ideas and any help she can give you, you and your fiance need to figure out how to be parents without her getting upset. No, you will not take her advice as commands. You will not automatically do what she tells you to do without discussing it with your partner first. But, if you let her know that you will take all of her advice to heart and THEN make a decision that's best for YOUR family, she might be a 'little' more okay with it.



If she doesn't loosen up soon, though, you might need to do something similar to what I did. I had to tell my mother, "This is my child, and I'm going to make my own mistakes as a mother in my own way".

Jane - posted on 04/26/2010

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take a breath! she's your mom, she'll always be your mom, things will work out. right now you need to concentrate on your health.

personally, i think only you and your guy should be in the delivery room. it is a very special moment, it belongs to just the two of you. i wanted a bunch of people in there too, and then my mom gave me her input. and she was right.

your mom sounds like she needs to be needed. you'll have to decide from here on out what things you can live w/out doing and offer them to her as little gems for her to relish while also keeping control of how much she gets to be a busy body. my MIL needs to be needed and i have learned to give up things to her, but only the things that i can take or leave.

tell her that you love her and you're excited for her to be a grandmother to your child. let some of this go, it'll work out in time, keep your focus on your health and your baby. you simply can't afford to give so much energy to this and once your baby is here, even less. focus on cultivating the positive relationships you have that are giving the two of you support. your mom has her own things to work out and they're coming at you right now.

good luck. deep breaths. keep your focus on you and your baby.

[deleted account]

Sorry to say, but your mom sounds like a child. "Calling to be picked up at the store, ignoring you.." You may have taken this behavior before being pregnant, but now (with hormones help), maybe you realize what's going on, or your more sensitive. You and your fiance are the ones who make the rules about your life and your babies. Your sisiter-in-law may be controlling, but maybe she's not, she's just standing up for herself and because your mom didn't get to tell her what to do she thinks she's controlling?? Sounds like her in the delivery room would be a nightmare, what if you don't push the right way she wants you to? You are the boss in that room, sounds like she won't like that. I would totally stand up for yourself, take your mom aside and explain what YOU want. This is going to hurt her feelings and she probably won't talk to you for a while, but you need to decided what YOU and your fiance want and stick with it. You don't need added stress on your baby's birthday. Hope this helps and sorry if it offends you, but it had to be said.

Loren - posted on 04/26/2010

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oh u poor thing, i really feel for u u really shouldn't be stressing out this is a time for u and your fiance to enjoy. Have you tried talking to your step mum about your bio mum? It was really nice of your mother in law to throw u a baby shower that is soo cool however with your mother maybe just not call her when u go into labour i know this sounds really slack but if you don't call her when you go into labour maybe you could hide behind a little white lie and say there really wasn't any time honestly if she's stressing you out this much before the birth you really don't want her in the delivery room to a degree i know exactly how you feel my mum was my best friend and she has been really stand offish and doesn't talk to me the way we used to since we told her i was expecting baby number two. now enough of me back to you i personally feel that you and hubby to be put baby there i think you and hubby to be should be the only ones to see baby arriving. but as for your mum hopefully she will come to her senses and stop stressing you out i feel as though someone in iron should talk to her about what she is doing to you at a very critical and special time in your life.as a suggestion try not calling her and when she rings get hubby to be to monitor the calls and say that your very tired or busy for a few days it might help you to relax all this stress isnt good for your baby (i know you have heard that a thousand times) but i think hubby to be needs to take a stand he obviously doesn't like what this is doing to you, his wife to be and mother of his unborn baby i think he needs to confront your mother and put an end to all this business i do however hope that this does get resolved rather quickly and all the best for the safe delivery of your baby, good luck and good health to you take care please keep me posted i really hope this might help you best wishes Loren

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