How do you respond to people who ask...

Amber - posted on 05/01/2010 ( 44 moms have responded )

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When are you getting married? I started seeing my boyfriend in May of 2009 and moved in together in October and found out I was pregnant at the end of November. My grandfather is coming directly out and saying that my baby is going to be a bastard and my BF's parents ask us almost every time we see them when we are getting married. I am 33 years old, I have been married twice before and divorced and I just don't think that I should get married for any other reason than wanting to spend the rest of my life with my BF and really wanting to get married again, especially when all my past relationships went on a major decline after marriage, I just don't know if I want to risk that AGAIN! What do you say to them though??? I am tired of getting upset but I also don't know what to say so H E L P ! ! !

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Mellissa - posted on 05/06/2010

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I guess I am a rude person and very blunt about things. If people aren't worried about hurting my feelings and being nosy, then I don't worry too hard about theirs. I would tell them exactly what you feel. That you aren't getting married simply because you are pregnant and that if that makes your child a bastard in their eyes, so be it. That their judgement on you just makes them a jackass in your eyes. I understand these people are family, but that does not give them a right to be mean and rude to you. Most bullies are bullies simply because no one has ever stood up to them and put them in their place. You would be surprised how simply standing up for yourself makes them gain a new perspective. It may hurt their feelings, but they obviously have no consideration for yours. Good luck hon and feel bad because they are mean.

Felicia Neikolle - posted on 05/03/2010

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I have a solution to your religious overbearing intruders ... it's the same one that I gave - God recognizes the statute of marriage to be when a man and a woman give themselves unto one another and seal the "covenant" with blood (intercourse). It was MAN NOT GOD that instituted a law binding marriage that included a piece of paper and taxes associated with it. MAN chose to capitalize on the financial standings of a GOD ordained covenant so if they wanna know when you guys are getting married ... give them the date of the first time y'all slept together after going through this spill with 'em ... they'll never ask again. Plus, if they doubt you they can research it for themselves ... that's how I found the information!! lol ... good luck and I'm sorry you're having to deal with all this on top of expecting ... this is the time when you should be excited and planning ... not fighting with fork tongued nay sayers! lol ... good luck!

Kristin - posted on 05/01/2010

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My maternal grandmother tossed out the bastard comment once. I told her that if she ever said anything along those lines to me, my child, or even to someone else within hearing distance of either of us, that would be the last thing she ever said to us. As for my and my fiance/bf's family, I said we would get married if and when we were ready to. My family, at least close family, know better than to push anything with me as I tend to just dig in and get contrary. Any others, I would give some flip answer and walk off. That being said, we did get married but not until after our first sone was born.



I am a child from a divorced home and don't value marriage the way a lot of other do. I did it for the inheritance issues that would arise should something happen to my husband. Don't get me wrong, I love him to pieces. I just don't need a piece of paper issued by the state to validate my relationship with him. So here is my thought on this, make sure you cover the legal bases if you don't get married. You both should go in and talk to a family lawyer about all the what if's and go from there.



Get married or not, that is up to you. You have sound reasons for getting married and not getting married. If anything, I would suggest premarital counciling if you start heading that way. There really is something about getting the big triggers for arguments out on the table prior to walking down the aisle. If the when question is really upsetting you, talk with your BF about his parents and how he's feeling about it. He needs to step in here and get them to back off. Then maybe talk with a professional too? If nothing else, you may understand your feelings better and be better equiped to express them to others.



I wish you the best. This is a tough spot to be in, especially with very traditional family members around. Take care of yourself and steer clear of toxic/negative people.

Crystal - posted on 05/01/2010

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i am 24 and i have been married twice (young i know) i started dating my bf in oct 2009 and got engaged feb 2010 (fast i know) but once you know you found the person you are ment to send the rest of ur life with...nothing else matters, i also found out i was pregnant in march with my first i am now almost 11weeks, and people have asked us when we are getting married, we had a date set for jun 18th 2011 but we are now getting married july 24th 2010. i guess in my case i was already going to marry him regadless if i got pregnant or not. its one of those things where u need to worry about urself and what is right for you, dont liste to everyone else,do what you want to do, you dont need to get married just because you are having a baby

Denise - posted on 05/01/2010

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How about say, Mind your own business....its your life not theirs. You shouldn't feel pressured to do anything. As long as your happy and your baby is happy and taken care of that's all that matters. Screw what other people think! Stand your ground! Life is to short!

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Erin - posted on 04/26/2011

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Tell them you are getting married when you damn well feel like it! Being pressured into marriage is a horrible way to start off a lifelong commitment. Tell your grandfather to put the shotgun down, and that he should feel grateful that his granddaughter has found somebody who wants to be with her for the rest of his life, and have a family with her. Dont let anybody else influence your own opinions on this matter, and do what is right for YOUR family, not everybody else!

♥TIA♥ - posted on 04/26/2011

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If you feel comfortable with having a child again which could lead to being single or not. Having a child is just as much of a commitment to go through with our without a partner. I hope later you do let down your guard if he chooses to commit to you, the father of this child isn't the men you had before. I think letting your insecure feelings get in the way of a complete family that can be beneficial for the child, isn't healthy. Wish you the best.

Chrissie - posted on 04/12/2011

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Thats a personal choice. And frankly, none of their business. As long as you guys are together, who cares

Melanie - posted on 04/11/2011

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i hate that why do people assume you have to get married because you have kids...its 2011 ppl...lol we have been together 4 years , have a 2 year old and another due in july...we have been engaged for 3 years and its probably going to stay that way for a wile...i dont see what the big deal is we are living together in a house we share bills and money and everything is in our names..so why exactly do we have to go stand in church and sign a paper to say we are married....were practically married now anyways right. and i cant imagine spending the money right now on a wedding to tell the truth. plus if we did ever end up breaking up with the divorce rates now id rather not have to go through all the lawyers and money for a divorce....things are fine the way they are why do they all assume we have to get married? i dont get it....maybe 50 years ago thats how things had to go but not now! haha half of those people who rush into marriage end up divorced anyways.

Tina - posted on 04/11/2011

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be honest a relationship isn't determined by a piece of paper. I don't know why but people tend to change when they get married. Or feel the need to change you. You shouldn't need a ring or piece of paper to say you're in a committed relationship. As long as you care about one another and do the right thing that's what matters. I was pushed into getting married young because I slept with him once. We got married before I moved in with him. The silly thing is they didn't take into to account the women he'd been with before. It was the worse thing I ever did. He didn't really love me and he treated me badly. Now I am with a man that love me and I love him. We have 2 beautiful children and he treats me far better than my ex husband. Although he'd liked to get married I'm in no hurry I love him that's what matters. And he understands. And if you believe the bible we're all bastards anyway. I don't think you're kids care whether or not there's a ring on your finger. You're still mum and dad. You're an adult and shouldn't need to justify your decisions.

PETA - posted on 05/26/2010

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Hi Amber,

I'm in the same situation as you. I have been married twice. I tell people that it is just a piece of paper that you sign when you get married. It doesn't make me love my partner any more. You dont have to be married to make a baby.

It is normally the older generation that expects you to get married when you fall pregnant.

Tell them to but out, times have changed. The more you get upset about this around them, they no they are winning. Let them know you are happy with your life, and no marriage certificate will make it better.

As long as your baby is bought up in a loving relationship, with a mummy and daddy, it doesnt matter. It is better to have two parents that live together and love each other out of wed lock, than two parents that live apart that are married.

Good luck, hope this helps.

I'm not getting married just because i am have my BF's baby.

Jessica - posted on 05/25/2010

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Tell them that they're living in 2010!! And that it upsets you when they always ask those questions.

Elimar - posted on 05/25/2010

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first off, you need to ask yourself... "Am I happy with the man I am currently with?", "Is it worth marrying him?" , " Is it worth arguing with him?", "Am I willing to sacrifice for him","is he for me?"
I could understand where you are coming from. And honestly it is really your own decision. I would personally tell them the honest and sincere truth. "I love him, but..." You have only been together for a year... It took me three years of living with my boyfriend to realize whether or not it is a good idea to marry him or not. We have two children out of wedlock, and trust me... A child is a child whether or not it was born out of wedlock or not... A child is a human being, not an "It". You love your child, your boyfriend loves the child. Then don't let this "Your child is a bastard child" insult you. Let it just pass you by. You are 33 years old you can make your own decisions. Talk to your boyfriend, explain to him, that 'those' particular questions are upsetting you. See what he says. ask him if he himself wants to get married. Just conversate...

Kristin - posted on 05/25/2010

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I have been with my boyfriend for for over 9 years and living together for 8 years. We have a 6 year old Son and another Baby due Sept30. When we told his parents his Mom asked us if we were going to get married since we are having another child together. I don't think that they will stop asking until we are married. We are planning to get married after the Baby is born, but nothing set in stone. We have put the time in on our relationship that at this point it makes sense. He was married before and has be shy to discuss the topic until right before we found out we were pregnant. Just like him, You have to want to get married. Not because others expect you to. Ultimatly this is your life and you call the shots. Remind them that you are not ready to make that commitment at this time. Given your history you want to make sure that this is the right one. And that's the end of it. Good luck and don't let anyone force you into a desicion you do no want to make.

Sarh - posted on 05/22/2010

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Tell them the two of you will get married when you two want too!!! Marriage is just an expensive piece of paper in my eyes! You both are grown adults and sorry, but tell your family to get off your damn back that your baby will NOT be a bastard child (thats just a dumb stereo type). they are family if they are not being nice and respectful to you then dont show them respect in return.

Jackye - posted on 05/21/2010

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my dad does the same thing to my boyfriend and i and we came up with the response: "We love eachother so much but when the baby comes who knows if we'll still love eachother the same way...we could realize that we didnt know eachother as well as we thought and niether of us want to deal with a New born, wedding, and or divorce at this point in time...so we'll take it one step at a time even though our steps aren't in order doesnt really make a difference to us and thats all that matters!"

Kathryn - posted on 05/20/2010

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don't ever get married because you are having a child together...that is what i did..i dated my daughters father for almost a year and got married 2 months before she was born because his parents did the same thing..saying she was going to be a "bastard child" after we got married things changed...he turned into a completly different person..we lived together for almost a year and during that time he became very abusive...we are now divorced..and it only took 3 years for that to happen..i am pregnant with my second whose father wants nothing to do with her either...luckly i have met a man who not only loves me but my older daughter and unborn daughter like his own..i eventually want to get married again but when i am ready for it..

Sarah - posted on 05/07/2010

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I was married before i got pregnant but I know what your talking about! the min my husband and i started dating his family started asking us when we were going to get married! we got engaged a little over a year after meeting and got married almost a year after we got engaged! we have been married for a year and half now! As soon as we got married they started bugging us about when we were going to have a baby! its a very touchy subject if you aren't ready yet! just hold tight to what you believe in and as long and you and your bf are happy thats all that matters!

Amber - posted on 05/06/2010

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Amy, that is so funny it seems that family is never happy, if you have a baby, your not married, if you are married, when is the baby coming??? Seriously, I get the whole family like parties things and celebrations of all kinds of things but it seems like trying to push some things just makes me want to wait even longer to prove that it is my decision :)... I just know that I am not ready and he is definitely not ready, I definitely didn't choose to have a baby right now but as the day approaches I am getting so very excited, it isn't like you can have an oops! wedding, well unless you are a celebrity that is. All the comments really help me stay steadfast with my decision.

Amy - posted on 05/06/2010

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Don't get married just because of pressure or because you are having a baby. I have a lot of friends that married because they were having/have a baby. They are divorced or in unhappy marriages. Let your relationship travel its own path. My husband and I mange to "wait" to have our surprise until 2 years after our marriage but we have been together for 9 years and always said that if we got pregnant before our marriage that we would get married when we were ready not if we got pregnant. The relationship needs to be ready not the family members. And trust me family will ALWAYS have their 2 cents to put it. If it isn't when are you getting married? Its when are you having a baby? (got that one right after the wedding). or when are you getting a house? when are you finishing school? when are you having another baby? etc. Don't let them bully you. Stand your ground. Be nice but firm. It is your life. :-) Good luck!

Lenica - posted on 05/06/2010

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I dont see the issue just tell his parents to go readd a book they are having a granchild they should be happy! my grandmother told me that my baby is a bastard once and I freaked out! My child is a gift from God!

Stefanie - posted on 05/06/2010

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im 20, my boyfriend is 24 & we have been together for 2 years and expecting our first child in August..
We get asked all the time when (not if) were getting married.. my grandmother actually went as far as telling some distant relatives we already were engaged.. which made for a very akward moment when i seen some of them and they said congrats on the engagement and asked to see the ring! They are very old fashioned though.. and havent quite got up to speed that you CAN have a baby without getting married, which is strange considering my mother wasnt even close to being married when she had me.. :s and it was THEIR son who chose not to marry her..
We dont care, in every way we already ARE married. Hes already my hubby and im already his wife. the only thing missing is a peice of paper and a $30 000 + party.. which is definitly not something we can afford to do with a brand new baby coming..
When people ask though, we just say eventually, one day.. and smile. :) its no one elses business and i want to get married because its the right time for US.. not everyone else. :)

Amber - posted on 05/05/2010

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thanks guys! Lots of good advise!!!! I haven't spoken to my Grandfather since he made those comments and trying to be patient with his parents, I know they want the best and come from a different time and it has been really helpful to hear from all of you, I am not a very direct person but i need to start standing up for myself instead of internalizing my feelings on this and just feeling bad! Thanks so much and wish me luck with my Grandpa he means well but has been really inappropriate and that does have to be addressed and will be in due time!!! thanks!

Wanda - posted on 05/05/2010

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That was the first question out of my father's mouth! I'm 34 years old and I just don't know that marriage is for me. Besides, pregnany is NOT a reason to get married. (In my opinion and my circumstance). So I told my Dad that I felt marriage would be a mistake and he seemed to understand. I didnt act or feel ashamed. I wasn't nasty about it, but he got the picture that this was my decision and that was that. Don't let them upset you. It's your life you have to live and only you can make the decisions that are right for your life. If they keep pressuring you,then ask them to stop asking you that question. Good luck!

Danielle - posted on 05/03/2010

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just say.. "when the time is right" that is a really big decision and you know if your ready or not to get married again.. ppl have children everyday and dont ever get married and spend there whole life together look at Goldie Hawn...

Sarah - posted on 05/03/2010

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i would simply say "we will let you know when we feel ready, thankyou for your concern"

Chantel - posted on 05/03/2010

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Its simple!
You say
When were good and ready is when we will get married.
If they have a comment to that, then say you marry him/her then!

Kirsten - posted on 05/03/2010

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Im 17 turning 18 in 8 days and me and my fiance have a 6 week old child and were not married. We have a date set for july but if something happens and that cant happen thats okay.. were in love and thats all that matters.

Janelle - posted on 05/03/2010

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I would say "when we're ready and not a second sooner!" It's your business and if you're not ready for whatever reason, that's your call to make. Better to not get married until you're ready then to have your child (and you) go through a divorce just because everyone else thought you should get married. And honestly, what kind of person says that about a child? I think "bastard" is a very crude word...especially when talking about a baby--it's not the babies fault after all! I am a smartass and sometimes do not know when to keep my mouth shut so I probably would have thrown a few bad and disrespectful words out at a comment like that! All you can do is your best...as long as you and the baby's father do that, then that's all that matters! Good Luck and Best wishes!

Sara - posted on 05/03/2010

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tell them you don't want to limit your sex partners - the shock should shut them up...ha ha

Kelsea - posted on 05/03/2010

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also, in our case it's a religious thing of sex outside of marriage. so i explain that way back when, marriage didn't mean lets go get some papers signed and be legally bound. it was a strong commitment/vow between a man, a women, and god. no papers included. =]

Kelsea - posted on 05/03/2010

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I have a similar problem. My boyfriend and I weren't together long at all when we found out I'm pregnant. We'll be together only a year, the day after I'm due. He married his High School Sweetheart and she left him after only a couple months. So he doesn't want to jump back into the whole marriage thing either. And I'm one of those girls that has always said I was never going to have children or get married. Well, the child part is here. But we're waiting for the marriage part, untill we are both ready and sure. We live together and he takes great care of me and I know he'll be a wonderful father. Both of our families have several people who do not approve of anything we've done and ask constantly why we aren't or when we will get married. We just tell them when we're ready. Because there's no point in rushing that and making a "mistake" because we've already rushed, unplanned, into having a son. And remind them that some of them did the same thing and probably would've been much happier had they not. Or remind them of the left over emotions/feelings from previous relationships or marriges and how they ended for you or the father. That usually gets them off our backs for a little while. I hope this helps a little. =]

Heidi - posted on 05/03/2010

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I got engaged to my boyfriend (now husband) in july 2009, and i found out i was pregnant in august. we got married on Valentines day so she would easily get his last name at birth, and neither of us wanted a flashy wedding right now anyway. So a lot of my family thinks we just got married/engaged because I was pregnant which isn't at all the case.
My advice is to do whatever feels right to you. Get married, don't get married. Who cares? As long as you are happy with the end result :)

Amber - posted on 05/03/2010

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Thanks for all the comments. It is nice to know that I am not the first nor will I be the last who has had this issue. Unfortunately most of this stems from both of our family's very strict religious values which actually has caused my side not to speak directly to me at all. Sometimes they text me but nothing else. My grandfather is the only one who does speak to me so it hurts that he has decided to use those words to describe his soon to be great grand daughter. But you are all correct he can accept it and love me or not I just need to be stronger :). As far as his parents go I need to be more firm. Thanks guys again!!!

Desiree - posted on 05/02/2010

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I think it's none of your parents (or his parents) business it's your relationship and if you two are happy the way things are then you don't need to change it. So what if your child is a "bastard" does that honestly matter? your child wont care if you're married or not, they're happy enough knowing mommy and daddy love him/her regardless of what a ring or piece of paper says just because your child is a bastard doesn't mean nothing, I'm a "bastard" and know plenty of people who are they are happy just the way they are. Besides I don't know a lot of people who actually care about children being bastards or not, no offense to the grandparents or anything but I think they're the only ones who care about that stuff anymore. I'm pregnant with my boyfriend, pretty much the exact same story as yours except the parents aren't hassling me to get married anytime soon they think it's best to be thinking of the child's best interests at this point, not wasting money on a wedding so we can say our child isn't a bastard. I love my child and my boyfriend I don't need a marriage to prove it, hope this post helps

Raquel - posted on 05/01/2010

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I would let them know that you want to concentrate 100% on the baby first. After the baby is born, you'll talk marriage if that is what you guys want to do. I think that you should put your foot down and let them know that it's really none of their business when you guys are planning to get married because at the moment your baby is your #1 priority as it should be theirs as well.



Hope this helps.

Ashleigh - posted on 05/01/2010

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I had the same situation with me and my husband, only I really wanted to get married, I was raised very traditionally so it was hard for me to have a child out of wedlock. I just had to tell everyone that we were committed and that marriage would probably come in time but the more they pestered us the longer it would be until it happened.

We decided to get married when our son was 9 months old, so we are coming up on our 1 yr anniversary on mother's day and 3 years together as on September when #2 is due.

Amber - posted on 05/01/2010

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I am married and have been for almost 5 years... although I deeply love my husband, really it is just a piece of paper. We could have NEVER had that ceremony and I would still feel "married" to him. We chose to get married because it was right for us at the time... BUT when I was pregnant with our 1st child we went through some really hard times and almost divorced. To me that was devastating. Thank goodness we worked it out, but not everyone does. So here is my advice... get married ONLY if you want to, if it means something to you (and him). Really it is a legal piece of paper stating that you are with that one person. And if you and your hubby don't need that to be a family and raise your child then (sorry to say it this way) SCREW everyone else! It is your life and you have to do what is right for you... they don't live it for you!

Natalie - posted on 05/01/2010

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You should not have the feeling you need to get married just b/c you are having a baby. You should get married b/c you love that person and want to spend the rest of your life with him. I don't think it's wise to stay together for the children neither. They know when their parents are unhappy.
So tell them to mind their own business. We live in the 21st century.... marriage is not a necessity anymore. I know plenty of people who were together for years unmarried and happy, until they sometime decided to make it officially. Their child was already 5 by then. And others i know think that a marriage certificate doesn't change anything.
I got married when i was 20, im now 25 and i'm very lucky that i found him. He's the love of my life and we are already dreaming about his retirement out of the Military in 12 years. What we we want to do. I'm expecting baby number 3 now and couldn't be happier.

Megan - posted on 05/01/2010

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I am 19 and will be 20 in september i just had my baby girl on april 16th. Me and my bf have been together for three years and ppl ask us almost on a daily basis when we are getting married. I hear ya its frustrating as hell. I just tell them that we will get married when WE are ready. I don't want to jump into a marraige just because we have a baby together for me thats the wrong reason to get married. I mean im only 19 and i love him with all my heart don't get me wrong i couldn't see myself waking up without him there beside me for the rest of my life im just not sure that im ready to make that step in our relationship yet.

Puja - posted on 05/01/2010

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Im 19 turning 20 and i totally understand where your comin from caz my rents ask me the same thing, but im just not ready to get married.. i love my bf and were engaged but not married yet.. a basterd child is when you dont no who the father of your kid is and he doesnt stick around. so tell your grandpa that! good luck

Sarah - posted on 05/01/2010

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Marriage is not everything nowadays. I'm 26, been with my bf for 9 years got a 3 and a half year old and another one due june. My mother is all on my case about marriage but were engaged and if we gets married it could be like another 5 or 10 years. were common law and quite happy living as that. so why ruin a good thing. thats what i tells my mother everytime she starts with it

Jane - posted on 05/01/2010

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we weren't married when our 1st was born. we had both been married before but w/out kids. i wanted to be married but he wasn't ready yet. i gave my daughter my last name and we changed it when we got married. sounds bad but as his family agreed with me, if i had given her his name, he would never moved on the issue. so that's what we did but it's really nobody's business but it is hard to escape the question b/c your family underneath it all, just wants things to be easy for your kid. but you do what's right for you and your guy. if you want to get married, you will. nobody should be taking vows if they don't feel that it's right yet as you already know. just tell them, "we're working on it" that way you're not saying yes or no or "mind your own business".

good luck!

[deleted account]

I am only 24 but my 1st 2 children were born out of wedlock and i just don't see the big thing about being married unless like you said u want to spend the rest fo your life with this man. I am now married though but for us nothing has changed! Tell them straight out how you feel but 1st discuss with your BF obviously so he knows how you feel.

Just be straight and honest it might hurt at 1st and cause some friction but they should understand and settle with some time.

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