needing and wanting a helping hand...

Desiree - posted on 05/23/2010

I GOT PREGNANT WHEN I WAS 16 TOO AND MY BOYFRIEND WAS THE SAME WAY ALWAYS TELLING ME ITS MY FAULT AND ITS NOT TO LATE TO GET RID OF THE BABY.... I GOT REALLY DEPRESSED ALL THE TIME BUT I AM NOW 19 AND PREGNANT WITH BABY #2 AND WHEN BABY ONE CAME HER FATHER CAME AROUND AND GREW UP AND NOW HE HAS EVERYTHING TO DO WITH HER AND HE WANTS TO BE THERE FOR THE 2ND ONE TOO... JUST BE PATIENT AND DONT PUSH HIM AWAY BECAUSE IF U SHOW HIM U R MATURING AND ACTING LIKE A LADY HE MAY COME AROUND AFTER THE BABY IS BORN BUT IF U AND EVERYONES KEEPS TELLING HIM STUFF HE MIGHT RESENT U FOR THAT.... SO JUST KEEP BEING NICE AND TRY TO IGNORE HIM AND MAYBE HE WILL COME AROUND.... MINE DID SO THERE MAY BE SOME HOPE STILL....

Jenna - posted on 05/18/2010

First off congrats...secondly you can do it on your own sometimes i think it would be easier to do it alone......when you have the little one and hold him/her for the first time u will know ur life is just begining not over.....you cant quiet understand until you have been through the whole experience yourself...rule the babies daddy out of your life the last thing you need is the added stress of some f*ckwit putting you down all the time and remember you have a little life inside you that will know you your voice your smell and only want you by the time they arrive being a mother is the most magical thing you could ever experiance the bond between a mother and child is out of this world so keep your head up hunni in 29 weeks u will realise you have everything you dont need his help or torment!

Lauren - posted on 05/18/2010

Don't worry about him, I would just let him walk away. If he is a good guy he will have a change of heart later on. Some guys get afraid and say these types of things, but when it becomes real they can't help but fall in love with their baby. I would just give him space and don't bother him and he will most likely warm up a little to it at least. Most men aren't that cold hearted and I don't know how old he is, but maybe he is just afraid because he is young. Just stay strong and keep living your life go do something fun with your friends and forget about him for a while the stress won't help at all!!! You can do it! :-D

Amy - posted on 05/18/2010

Congrats on the baby! I know it's scary (regardless of how old you are or what number of child your on), and the hormones only make this part worse!

Honestly, a child is much better off with out a father than with a father who isn't there and doesn't want anything to do with the child. The best thing I think you can do is try to just forget about him, and tell him unless he's going to be positive about the situation that you don't want to hear it. You want to enjoy this time while your pregnant, and the time before you actually have the baby. If you try to force him to be apart of the child's life it's just going to be harder, but if he makes the decision on his own it'll make a huge difference in how he treats the child.

Good luck, and just know that you are only 16, if you aren't going to be with the father of your baby someday you'll find an amazing man who will love your child as his own.

Ramona - posted on 05/18/2010

GET AWAY FROM HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You do not need to be around that when you are pregnant because it's a lot of stress to deal with and that's not fair to your baby. I am in the process of leaving the father of my child because he was using drugs and all of our money was disappearing. $3000 went poof in a month!!!!! Up his nose!! Gone forever!!!!!! We could have paid rent for the rest of the year!!!!!!!!!! I was stresed all the time to the point where my baby is small for how far along I am. I stopped working right before school ended because he said he would take care of me, but he took all the money and bought drugs instead. He's not a horrible person, but he has a problem and the baby does NOT need to be involved in the problem and the baby to be does not need to be living inside a stressed, emotional wreck of a mother. NO support is better than added stress, TRUST ME!!!!!!!!!!!!! I really hope you have support with your parents because this boy is CLEARLY not going to give it! Get rid of him! File for child support when the baby is born. (yes, he should pay; when you choose to have sex, you choose to possibly take on the financial responsibility of a child should one result.) Other than that,have nothing to do with him.

Stefanie - posted on 05/18/2010

Sorry to hear about everything thats going on =( thats a really not great way to start the most beautiful time of your life.. but i applaud you for being so strong and wanting to do this. its not easy for sure and alot of women your age would just give in.
As for him.. you dont need that in your life, and neither does your child. My mom raised me by herself in the beginning because my "father" (sperm donor as i like to call him now.. haha) not only had nothing to do with me, but pretended I didnt exist until i was 15... :s
My mom met my DAD when I was a little over a year old. and he is my father in every aspect of the word. =)
As for your babys "sperm donor" =) Financially, he will have no choice but to stand up and help you.. he legally is obligated to do so. As for anything else, if thats the way he is chosing to be, not only do you not NEED him in your lives, trust me you dont want him there either. Lean on what family and friends you have, and get your support from that. Babies dont need their biological father to be ok. They just need LOVE and it sounds to me like your child will be getting more than enough of that from you. Be Strong and remember that no matter how much it may not feel like it right now.. everything does happen for a reason and it will work out for the better =)
Good Luck Hunnie!

Jen - posted on 05/18/2010

Your child doesnt need his biological father. He needs a man who loves you for you, and who loves him as if he were his own. No child should ever be around two parents who only stayed together becasue they had a child, this is not healthy. Your relationship is more prone to fighting and disagrements and disrespect. So the child needs a good example, somthing to aspire to, kinda a hand in the right direction ya know. Let him go, he doesnt sound like a good role model, honestly as a parent and a mommy to be, do what is right and best for your child and cut out anyone who would be more of a negative influence on him. You can also go after child support as well, inwhich I suggest that you do, and that will be a help and a duety that that boy has to man up to. Good luck to you, and find someone else who is right for both you and your baby.

Teena - posted on 05/17/2010

who needs a dad when you got a mom.
i totally and completely understand what you mean by wanting HELP!
im 17 an 19 weeks pregnant. the father of my baby is 6 months younger than I. im finished with highschool while he has his senior year coming up in july...so im doing so much alone!
its really hard and drives you crazy and theres nothing you can do but think about this amazing miracle your going to have. your child will appreciate all that you went through for him/her and will repay you by loving you more than anyone or anything...thats what i think about to help me

April - posted on 05/16/2010

I TOTALLY agree with you Jane! I think single moms are the most amazing people there are out there! And some how, some way, God smiles down on them, and blesses them!

April - posted on 05/16/2010

Oh, boy. Where do I start. Kuddos first and fore most for keeping your child and not getting an abortion. Scott and I have been together on and off for the last 11 years in August. At a young age (not as young as you it was shortly after high school tho) we got pregnant. Unfourtently we found out we were pregnant the day we were mis carring. He was devasated. I was. We managed to get through it. A few years later, again, we got pregnant. This pregnancy also ended in a mis carry. Then finally when we got pregnant again, this child made it past the inital scare, although we did have a few months to go before we were in the clear, our relationship at that point just wasn't the same as it had been. So I decided to abort. Worst decision in my life. I regret it to this day. (That was about 5 years ago almost) needless to say, he did what the father of your child did. I felt (even at the age of almost 22 that I had no other choice) so I aborted. DO NOT LET ANYONE tell you that it's best for you or your child. Yes, life will be difficult. And yes you will be doing it alone. He will not be there for you. Sad. He just wont. There are SOOOO many support groups, churches, friends and family will eventually come to your aid. (I wish I had known this before I aborted, sadly I found out after I had aborted that I had all this support)

I'm with you. I wanted so desperately for him, the father to be there and a part of "our" childs life. He wanted nothing to do with it. (it was all a very bad big mess).

As the years past, we fixed our problems and issues, and we are still working on some, but we have moved pasted it all. We are currently expecting our first child and it is so great. I still have pains and aches from our past. It's difficult to get over.

My two best friends also found them in situations like mine and yours. My one best friend tried desperately to make "her" family work out. And it just didn't work out. So now, she is happy with another man, to which her child calls daddy. He is the best thing to have had happened to her.

My other best friend, similar situation. Except the father has recently decided that he wanted something to do with his child. He can't understand why his child is calling another man daddy. But for the first two years of her life, he wanted nothing to do with her... of course she is gonna call the man that has been in her life daddy.

My point is this. Yes, he may be the "birth father", but is he ever going to be Daddy? Probaly not. Chances are, you will find someone who will love you and your child, and your child will call him daddy, and not even know the difference.

My family and friends bash Scott to this day. Many have given up and just see me as happy, so they don't bash him any longer, others who could not "deal" with my decision to be with him, have left my life.

Let him go. Don't involve him in the pregnancy. Find a friend, a family member, someone who will be that supportive person. Focus on you, your pregnancy, your child. And just let the SOB deadbeat go.

PS, my step father, is a better man, and father to me than my "real" father. I would drop anything and do anything for my step dad, that I call dad, long before I blink an eye at my "real" father.

Family is who you make it. Just like home is where the heart is, a family is where the heart is. I have a grandmother, who isn't even related to me in any way. I have an aunt who isn't related to me in any way. But THEY are my family. I call them my family. They are the ones that love me, support me, that I go to on everything and for holidays. Family is a heart matter. Sure we get birth families, but we get those people that come into our lives and are just family from day one. Turn to those people. (These can be older people you know, friends, family friends... etc)

Keep you head and chin high. It will be difficult, but it will make you a much better woman, and mother.

Sarah - posted on 05/16/2010

Hi Stacy, sorry to hear about your stressfull situation with your baby's dad but at the same time congratulations on your pregnancy and i really respect you for your maturity as a mother already!

Here is a bit of my story, i know its different to yours but hopefully it helps.

I fell pregnant at 18yrs old to a guy that i was not in a relationship with. I was excited about becoming a mum but terrified at the same time being so young and unprepared.

I found it my resposnsibility to tell the 'father' about the pregnancy - one of the hardest things i ever did because the response was horrible. I was told that i was completely to blame and that i HAD TO have an abortion because there was no way he was going to have anything to do with the baby and i was incapable of looking after it.

My reaction to that was "thankyou for being honest but this is not just your decision and i understand you are not ready to be a dad but i'm not going to punish this baby for that and i will give it a real chance at a happy, healthy and stable life and be the best mum i can."

I made it clear that he was welcome to be a part of the baby's life but i was not going to force it on him.

After that i heard nothing else from him, through the whole pregnancy until now, my son is now 2yrs8months old. I gave birth to him when i was 19.

I was a single mum for the first year of his life but my mum was the best support for me aswell as my sisters.

I met someone around his first birthday, we dated for a while and he has been a wonderful daddy to my son (my son calls him daddy). we got married at the start of this year and are expecting our second child in september.

When my son was 18months old i started studying at university full time and am now a nurse.

My point to my story is that whether your baby's dad is involved or not, if you are willing to give that baby a chance and yourself the chance at being a wonderful mum, your baby wont suffer. Things will all fall into place and although single parenting isn't easy, it can be done and is very rewarding, no matter how old you are.

And my view on the father was - there is no point forcing him into being a part of the baby's life if one day he's just going to leave anyway - its better to not have to break that childs heart when its older.

Give yourself more credit, you will be a great mum either way and i'm sure your family will be a huge support as they will love the baby almost as much as you will.

But the dad may step up and help you out too, just give it time, you will find your feet. I did, and i'm sure i'm not the only one.

Goodluck with everything!!!!

P.S - If you have trouble talking to the guy, try writing it all down for him to read in his own time, that way it sinks in and he wont be yelling at you....

Jane - posted on 05/16/2010

you seem to have a lot going on! congratulations on your pregnancy! try to focus, as much as you can, on your health from here on out. he's not ready to deal with all of this, this is his to come to terms with, not yours to get him there. do as you say, start your life w/your baby and hope that he comes around as soon as he can. let your family know that he needs to be respected as the father of your baby and it won't help to get him to his place by them not being nice to him. i think that there is a teen-mom cirlce here on circle of moms, i think that would be a great place to get some support from some other moms in addition to this circle. remember that you are a mom now, and you are a part of a universal community, regardless of age, we're all in this together.

i hope you have a healthy pregnancy and if people aren't being supportive of you, you will just have to leave them by the wayside until they can offer you the support that you need. focus on the people who are supportive of you and leave a door open for the baby's father to be involved as much as he can when he is ready. there's no reason once he is ready that you can't co-parent successfully for your child.

good luck!

p.s. pick up some prenatal vitamins w/DHA. they are important. you can get them at most drugstores or Target or Walmart. ask your OB if they can write you a prescription for them as well.