Disapproving husband.

Roxanne - posted on 03/02/2009 ( 10 moms have responded )

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When my husband and I had our first daughter we had no intention of her sleeping in our bed, but after about 3 months and her growing out of her bassinet and my husband not being home a lot of nights(because of his shift work) I started bringing her to bed with me. I LOVED it! I couldn't sleep without her. Now she is 3 and we have another daughter that is 5 months and I sleep with her too, and my 3 year old sleeps in her own bed for half the night and me the other half. My husband does not like it too much, he tolerates it for the most part but then we will have arguments about how he doesn't think it is right or "normal". I keep asking him what he considers normal and he thinks the girls should be in their own bed in their own room. I disagree. Does anyone else have this problem? Is there any advice for me. I don't want to stop sleeping with my children, I feel safer with them and I feel they are safer with me.

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Schelene - posted on 08/03/2011

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my husband hates the fact our son sleeps in our bed, but it really is whats most comfortable with my son and of course myself!! i dont t hink there is anything wrong with it,

Denikka - posted on 07/28/2011

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The *normal* thing has always bothered me. I agree that *normal* depends on perspective, but look across the animal kingdom. Mothers sleep with their babies. Especially when those babies are nursing, but even later. I don't think it gets more normal or natural to cosleep and breastfeed.
It's not good if one parent is against it though. Perhaps you can come to some kind of compromise. A sidecar bed, or a mattress on the floor for the older girl, and maybe a time line for the younger one.
Hope things work out for you :)

Atwolf - posted on 11/11/2010

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I did this parenting course ages ago, they suggested that when kids are reluctant to go sleep in their own room - it is mainly because they are subconsciously anxious about their parents relationship with each other - children crave security & in order to make themselves feel secure - they go to the parents room to sleep between them (they said this can start from birth, makes sense as most babies go thru a phase where they discover they aren't an extension of Mom & get super clingy). The Counselors suggestion was that parents have 15 mins of couch time every day with each other - this is where the parents sit together closely & talk or just hold hands & cuddle - with each other (No arguing allowed!!) in front of the kids. Use a timer if you need but 15 mins is important - no less...The kids are advised to play on the floor with some toys - they are not allowed to climb onto Mummy & Daddy during this time (believe me, they will try & get involved in your conversation or get on the couch with you, but you are to tell them - "no - this is mummy & daddy's special time you need to sit down & play" & then put them on the floor). A lot of us were intrigued as we had shift worker or Fly in Fly out mining husbands & we were all having kids in the bed - even the normal 9 to 5ers! so we had to use skype or the telephone or do it in the morning as soon as Daddy walked in the door. Would you believe it - the next week after doing it every day - we all reported back that our kids slept in their own beds after about the 4th night!! - sounds corny I know - but isn't your relationship with your husband more important than your kids?

It should be as he was there in your life before them - they are definitely important - but they are secondary you & your Husband/Partner are the primary relationship. If you didn't have kids, you would be each other's family. I know you say you Like having your kids sleep with you (I like the snuggles with mine too) - but if the kids in your bed is causing a prob between you & your husband - they are going to pick up on the friction & it will make things worse for them. It's every kids nightmare - to hear their parents arguing about them, even worse, it's their worst nightmare to hear arguments about them and eventually have their parents split up even though there might be some other underlying problems.



on another note - the 15 minutes couch time is so good - that now my eldest daughter pushes us together as soon as daddy is Home & says "go sit down for couchtime - I'll play with the baby!"

We also have "family sleepovers" sometimes when we all snooze in bed together on a friday or Sat Night when hubby doesn't have to get up before dawn for work.

Nicole - posted on 06/04/2009

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My boyfriend loves co-sleeping. He is very high anxiety so he would wake up every two seconds to go look in her crib. Because of this, we decided to co-sleep from day one. Is your husband aware of the health benefits of co-sleeping? Hmm not too sure about your three year old. The matress next to your bed seems like a good idea.

Tricia - posted on 03/08/2009

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My husband also has a problem with our son sleeping with us. It isn't that he doesn't like to snuggle with his son, it is just that our son tends to kick him or crowd him  so he doesn't have much room to sleep. My son is two and he has his own bed on the floor of our bedroom. He has to be next to me in order to go to sleep. I lay on the floor and he plays with my hair until he falls asleep. He also asks me to hug him until he falls asleep. He usually wakes up when he pees in his diaper and after I change him he climbs into bed with us. He would be perfectly content to stay in his own bed if I got out of bed to lay on the floor with him until he went back to sleep. I, however, also enjoy my sleep and he falls to sleep faster when he is in bed with us because he knows I'm not leaving once he falls asleep.



So, if you put a mattress in your room and don't mind laying with your child until they fall asleep and then getting back in bed...that might work.

Nancy - posted on 03/06/2009

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My girls each had to touch while sleeping also.  Eventually they do grow out of it though...at least my 2 older girls have.  My youngest still has to touch me all night.  The trouble with her is that she kicks covers off all night long and I like to be covered so we "fight" over covers all night.



Chances are that your daughter is waking when sleeping with you also, but she realizes she is with you and goes right back to sleep without waking you.  My girls did that also...



Enjoy it while it lasts because it does end at some point...Perhaps he can sleep with all of you also?

Roxanne - posted on 03/06/2009

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Thank you for your suggestions. The only other problem is that my 3 year old won't go to sleep unless she's touching me, and then when I do get her to sleep in her own bed and leave and go into my room, it's only a matter of a couple hours and she wakes up and crawls into my bed. If I just sleep with her all night she won't wake up at all. I guess my husband will just have to suffer until they grow out of it, which for my sake, I hope isn't too soon.lol.

Candace - posted on 03/06/2009

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My husband doesnt approve of cosleeping, but tolerates it I think to save the argument. 
I hate it because I want him to be happy and I dotn want to disrespect him in anyway. But I feel like I am when I tell him alll the bennefits of co sleeping etc, I feel like Im making him out to be an idiot. 
With our first born, she didnt sleep in our bed, till she got about two.  She is going on five now and my husband will not let her sleep in our bed. However she will sleep in our room still. Have you thought about this perhaps? Getting perhaps a little kind of bed for your girls?
My daughter loves to sleep on the floor ( I have no idea why) so its easy for us, she will grab her blanket and pillow and have the greatest sleep ever on our carpet! lol!

User - posted on 03/06/2009

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I totally understand there is no room for my husband any more and he has resorted to either the couch or the spare room , I much prefer to sleep with my baby anyway as she doesn't snore . Tell your husband if the kids are 21 and still wanting to sleep in your bed , then there may be a problem .. lol

Nancy - posted on 03/04/2009

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"Normal" and "what works for my family so we all get good sleep"  are not the same thing.  For one thing, "normal" varies by who you know and how they raised their babies.



 



In my group of friends it is normal to sleep with babies/toddlers/children until they outgrow the need, just as the nurse until they outgrow the need and are worn in a sling until they outgrow the need...  Co-sleeping is normal with the parents I hang around with!!!



I never had that problem with my husband, even during the time when all three girls were in our bed with us for at least a part of the night.  He was not as comfortable as he could have been, but he slept and they slept and so, I slept.



 



My thought is that a family should do whatever works for them that allows everyone to sleep.  If my babies had been in their own rooms I would not have slept very well if at all.  Some people cannot sleep if their baby is in their bed.  Each should do what works for them and allows them to all get the sleep they need.



One thing that did work for us was that as the girls grew we added sleeping places in our room.  First we took the side off of the crib we had never used and raised the mattress to be the same height as our bed, pushed it up to my side of the bed and called it a side-car bed.  This allowed the oldest her own space (she liked to sleep sideways) but still be next to us.  When the third baby came along and the older girls were getting bigger we put a twin mattress on the floor of our room for the oldest, the second was in the side car and the baby in our bed.  They all started out in their "spot" but often one or both of the big girls would end up in our bed before morning.  They have pretty much outgrown that now and both sleep on the other side of the house in their own rooms in their own beds.  They each moved out when they were ready.  My second was actually ready for her own room about a year before her older sister was!!!



To help you all be close and still offer more space, if you have the room perhaps adding an extra mattress or bed will help you all get the sleep you need.  Reassure your husband that they all want their own room eventually!!!  Good luck!

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