How do I gain some respect from my very cheeky 11yr old daughter?

Stacey - posted on 06/28/2011 ( 2 moms have responded )

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She is very twisted and makes hurtful reparks. She also says that I'm a bad mum when I know that's not true. I know I need to stop being such a pushover but how do I stop myself losing my temper & stay with her punishment. Also what kind of punishment do I give out?

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Shannon - posted on 10/15/2011

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Welcome to the creature known as the "Pre-Teen" I can promise you it will get better and worse all at the same time. I have a 20 yr old, 19yr old, 3yr old and a 2yr old. The thing I did with mine was to sit down and talk about what they said and reverse it. Asking them how would they like it if those same hateful words were spoken to them. I also explained that while they may think they can talk to their friends in that manner they were wrong. That I was no different then their teachers in that I was the adult and that I was their authority figure and ultimately the boss. I took away from them for punishment the things I knew they loved the most and did not return them until they apologized. Not just sorry mom but a true from the heart apology. Also I explained to them that every action has a reaction and that their punishment was exactly that. Also I kept the things from them for 1 week. Not loosing my temper was difficult but I would walk away for about a minute, pray, breathe then re-approach the situation in a calm but firm manner.

Cindy - posted on 10/03/2011

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She says hurtful things because she knows it 'gets to you'. Not speaking with her a day does a great deal, but I found the following online. Good luck. I'm praying for you!



FROM: http://www.aish.com/f/p/48899447.html



One of my favorite teachers of all time, a rabbi, used to tell us, "If you want your children to study Torah, then you should study Torah; if you want them to give charity, let them see you giving charity."



I am also reminded of a beautiful poem on the wall of my pediatrician's office when I was a little boy, entitled "Children Learn What They Live." The simple truth it expressed was very powerful -- our children learn from our behavior, not from our lectures, from the way we are, not from what we say.



So, the short answer to the question is, if you want your kids to respect you, respect your kids. Model respect to them, by showing respect to your spouse, to your neighbors, to people different from you and don't forget to show self-respect as well.



HOW TO SHOW RESPECT



There are all kinds of ways to demonstrate respect to your children, in the little things and in the big ones. Show them that you care about their opinions, and that while you may not always agree with them, their ideas have value. Always respect their dignity, their need for space or privacy, and never belittle them, or laugh at them.



I cannot over-emphasize the importance of respectful discipline. When your children push your buttons, when you feel like you're losing it, it is then, at that precise moment that you need to model a sense of calm. By maintaining your dignity, by not getting personal, by not hitting or name-calling, you communicate the incredibly important twin messages of love and respect.



In effect, you are saying through your actions: "Even though I am angry at you and even if I am hurt, I will not hurt you. I love you."



When you do something wrong, apologize, because this will build trust, and their respect for you will grow.



Assertive parenting is not aggressive parenting -- your children are fragile souls.



Assertive parenting is not aggressive parenting, and if your children see how careful you are with their fragile souls, they will learn to be careful of others. Assertive parenting also means being firm and not being afraid to disagree, set limits and provide appropriate negative consequences such as time out, grounding, and so on. Your child doesn't have to agree with you, he/she just needs to feel loved and respected.

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