For those who aren't with their baby daddy.

Michelle - posted on 09/18/2010 ( 28 moms have responded )

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ok im 20 i have a 19 month old son and i am married to his father...we just found out that my husband has a 21 month old son from his ex that he slept with when we were on a break. She kept him from him untill my husband ran into her at the store....ok so my question is how does the whole sperated parents thing work? like with hoildays coming up and birthdays and buying stuff...if they have split custody does he buy the basics clothes diapers wipes milk..for their house and our house. idk what to do and hes still a little shocked that he has two kids 2 months apart. if someone could please help me and give me advice on how to handle it

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Jene - posted on 09/28/2010

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I agree Michelle, unfortunately things happen that we cannot avoid!
I agree with the buying the things that the baby needs, good for you for keeping track of everything!
Like i said good luck

Michelle - posted on 09/28/2010

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and to heather...MY HUSBAND IS A GREAT GUY/FATHER/HUSBAND.. U DONT KNOW HIM SO YOU HAVE NO RIGHT SAYING TO ADVOID GUYS LIKE HIM. CIRCLE OF MOM IS FOR HELP FROM OTHER MOTHER..IF U WANNA SAY SOME NEGITIVE SAY IT TO UR SELF DONT POST ON PPL POST

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Staci - posted on 10/02/2010

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It depends on how much the absent parent wants to do with the child. I have also 20 and have a 19 month old. He is the greatest thing. Although, his father has decided to have nothing to do with him ever. So I dont have to worry about it. Usually holidays are odd year or even year that the other parent gets the child. For Birthdays they split day, for fathers day the dad gets him....it is simple as long as the father wants something to do with his child and isnt worthless like my sons. Which I am fine with. He only buys for your house but has to pay child support monthly and the mother pays for the diapers, wipes, clothes and anything else for the child at her house.

Lasha - posted on 10/02/2010

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I would like to say what I do. First, I didn't go through the courts, and things are working out fine. I mainly didn't do this because I don't want to fight with him over money. He buys the things he needs for his house, and I buy things I need for my house. I can afford to do this. I guess that is an issue: can the other mom afford to buy the things he needs herself? As for holidays, we also have it worked out. If a holiday is on my weekend, I ask if he wants to take our son for a day, and vise versa. The best thing to do is for the two of them to sit down and come to an agreement. And no offense to you, but you should just let them discuss it on their own. Give your husband your thoughts, but stay out of the meeting.

Sheba - posted on 10/01/2010

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You are a great mom to be so loving and accepting of this child. I would suggest having an agreement with the courts as well, even if you all make a bit of an alternate arrangment on your own. It's best to have something in writing. I have everything in the separation agreement with my ex-husband and he has paid only $100 in the last 4 months, though he pays almost that much for his monthly 4g cell phone bill. That's fine, but when it finally gets to the point that I cannot make it, I will enforce the child support and he will have to pay it all anyway. My ex would take advantage of me in a big way if I didn't have the court papers to keep him in line. Whether or not I enforce it is my call. I'm glad that we have it anyway.

Michelle - posted on 10/01/2010

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ya we already did the paternity test now were working on getting his name on the birth certificate

Ginger - posted on 10/01/2010

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Has he asked for a paternity test? That would be the first thing I would do.

Kaela - posted on 09/30/2010

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Me and my daughters dad split when she was 8 months old, we split holidays like this, every christmas from 24 throught 25 i have her, on the 25 he will get her at like 6 pm, then he will have her from 6 pm on christmas day and all day on the 26, and like next year he will have her on the 24 and the 25 and we switch every year like that, and every holiday either i will have her or he will and who ever had her for that holiday for that year the following year either i will have her or he will depending on the year previous to that, and for like her birthday we do two seperate partys and we switch having her on her actual birthday, last year he had her on her birthday so this year i will have her,as long as you two can talk and be civil you will figure it out. If you are trying to figure our who will have him more, i suggest going for primary custody, I have my daughter every week and her father has two weekdays with her and every other weekend because honestly children at that age need you as the mother more.

Angela - posted on 09/30/2010

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Hi Michelle - I'm not too worried about him not having anything to do with his son. I think its for the best. Child support have been on to him about it but as soon as they find out where he works or lives, he quits and moves. My lawyer has advised me not to go to court just yet.

Michelle - posted on 09/29/2010

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im sorry to hear that angela and christina, you both should be able to go to court and even tho they dont wanna see their kids( which is there loss.) they still have to help support you and them...and christina dont give up on looking for him once child support enforcement does find him or get ahold of him he will have to pay back pay.

Christina - posted on 09/29/2010

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I am glad that he is trying to be there for his son. Hopefully something can be worked out for birthdays and holidays.

My daughter's father has only seen her once. He refuses paternity testing, and wants nothing to do with her. Child support enforcement can't do anything because he screens his calls, and has a p.o. box for an address. He also works for himself, so he can clain he doesn't make any money.
He would already be completely out of my life if it wasn't for my daughter. Although I have stopped trying to get him to see her; it is his loss.

Angela - posted on 09/29/2010

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I kicked my son's father out when my child was 4 months old - He slept with my best friend and refused to get a job to support us. He's since moved 14 hour drive away with his new gf and doesn't pay child support, doesn't see his son, doesn't even call about him.

Crystal - posted on 09/29/2010

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Good job at keeping track. I dont get any support from my child's father. I have a friend that didnt go through the court system and her and her ex split holidays and birthdays. During the summer he will have the child and the next summer she will have the child. When her daughter is with her, she buys everything and when the child is with the father, he buys everything. They do split medical, dental etc..

Michelle - posted on 09/28/2010

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Yes we did a dna test before anything, and it came out 99.8 percent so yea hes the father...and like everyone is saying that their guys pay child support and dont buy anything for there house..but isnt it the same and probably even better for me and my husband to only buy the thing the child needs for her house? we keep track of everything we buy for him. so if she does try to screw us over then we can show we are supporting him..

Jene - posted on 09/28/2010

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Can i ask if your husband has had a paternity test? I would go through the courts, yes there is the cost implication involved but you may find that she becomes acustomed to the lifestyle and demands more.
Good luck in whatever you and your husband decide

Kasey - posted on 09/27/2010

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my son's father and i are no longer together. we split up when he was about 8 months old. I have now moved on and married my high school sweetheart. He also has a child by another woman so we deal with this from both points daily. My son's father pays child support through the courts weekly, and my husband pays bi-weekly for his daughter. I would DEF. go to child support enforcement, because it's always good to have the paternity test noted. And as far as buying things for her house, thats her responsibilty. I don't tell my son's father hey i'm out of the baby's snacks, you need to bring me some for him. But however that is what child support does. If my son's father takes him for the night and buys him his soy milk and theres some left he brings it to my house when he drops the baby off because he knows here he will drink it and there it will go bad. I would def. push a DNA test and child support because at any time she can turn around and do it and pardon my french screw you guys bad with it.

Heather - posted on 09/26/2010

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This all just sounds like a big dramatic mess. Avoid guys like that, ladies...come on.

Jaycee - posted on 09/25/2010

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ok so im kinda going thru the same thing. what me and my sons dad are doing is every other year we switch off with who gets him on holidays. and i have him july through dec. and his dad gets him jan-june. until school starts then i get him all throughout the school year and his dad gets him in the summer.

Gemma - posted on 09/22/2010

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you need 2 put yourself in her shoes and think if you and ur husband split up, how would you want your husband 2 spport your son.

Mary - posted on 09/21/2010

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Remember to keep reciepts of everything that he spends for the other house. Keep a track also of any money he gives her don't cash. Do a money order or checks for records. Just in case the situation gets ugly. Keep track of how many times the child comes and visit. You have a record of everything.

Mary - posted on 09/21/2010

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I know how you feel. My husband found out he had a one yr old son with his ex wife. They have a 10 yr daughter already. He slept with her when he went to visit his daughter. This happen before we met.We found out about his son when I was pregnant. I couldn't be mad at him because it happened before we met but i was like u didnt use a condom. Its going to be ok. We wasnt quite sure about holiday either or how much to add to child support but thank god we figure it out. We rotate holidays and birthdays. He comes to us for christmas eve because that when we really celebrate and she gets him christmas morning. We get him new years day. So far it work out. It was our first year doing this. Like you already knows what your budget is on diapers and milk and clothes you can budget that in your bill. Its going to be ok. I know its going to be tough but we are moms and we are strong.

Kristy - posted on 09/21/2010

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Here is the best advice i can give im going throught almost the same thing....my husband didnt have a baby with someone while we were together but we are no longer together and if your husband doesnt want to do the court thing then thats ok but he need to be keeping track of everything he spends on that baby keep every recept even if its for food......dont buy things for your baby and the other baby at the same time split them up that way you have diffrent recepts.. if he gives her money for child support do it with a check or money order dont just give her money you cant prove that you gave it to her.....this way if she does go after him for child support they can only get him for back child support from the time he was born until the time he found out about him.......if she does go for child support they will do a dna test to make sure the child is his.....now if the child is not his you can take her to court and the other mom will have to pay back everything you guys ever gave to her.....just make sure you keep documation of everything dont leave anything out even if you are just buying a binki for him.......good luck i hope everything works out

Melissa - posted on 09/19/2010

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Go Through The Courts!
I Made The Mistake Of Not Doing It With My Daughters Dad and He Ended Up Taking Her From Me.
That Way You Can Establish Paternity To Make Sure The Child Is His and A Custody Order and Child Support Can Be Done Through The Courts Also.
Is The Best Way To Go, That Way She Cant Try To Change Anything.
I Learned From My Mistake and I Would Hate To See The Same Thing Happen To Someone Else!

Karrington - posted on 09/19/2010

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The other woman does not have the right to ask that your husband support the child at both houses. Yes, giving the mother money is expected weekly, bi-weekly, or monthly (you can arrange it however you like if you are not going through court). If you can all come to a specific amount and payment schedule then that works best. As far as holidays and birthdays, those should be split either half the day with her and the other half with you or alternating. If you can all get along then birthdays could be spent together as one family. Holidays could be done morning with the child's mother and afternoon with your family or you could arrange it to wh

Michelle - posted on 09/19/2010

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I want to go through the courts but he doesnt wanna waste the money. I dont mind buying stuff for him at our house. our kids are the same age and size they wear the same stuff. but she wants him buying stuff for her house also. but i feel we should buy what he uses here and she buys what he uses there..thats what i dont know about seperated parents, thats the way i thought it worked but he seems to think that he should have to pay for everything for both house... im ok with it all we were together when it happened and our marriage is holding strong.

Dawn - posted on 09/19/2010

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Like I said I have never been through this, but personally if my husband found out this news then I would want them to go through the courts even if it meant losing out on some $$. But that is me and that is not what is going on, so, I guess it would be fair to jsut stockup on extras at your house for when you have him and tell the mother she doesn't have to worry about providing those things when the child is in your care. As far as birthdays and holidays, that is your husbands decision on how you all handle that...of course it would be nice to get the other child a present if you are his co-parents. As far as your husband handling it, I am sure it is still a shock...try having him talk with someone if he is willing....it might be a relief for him. And be there for him when he needs it. But don't forget about yourself...are you handling this OK?? Make sometime for yourself and also find someone to talk with if you are having a difficult time adjusting as well. :)

Michelle - posted on 09/19/2010

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she promised no child support..and they havent gone through the court they havent even put his name on the birthday certificate...we just get him when ever she works.

Dawn - posted on 09/19/2010

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Well, he will have to pay child support to the other mother, which will cover the basics of care and maybe more. As far as visitation, that will be worked out as part of a custody arrangement through court if neccessary or they can work it out between themselves. I am sorry but I have no first hand knowledge of this. Make sure you both talk about this and don't let this put a break in your marriage. Good luck and be strong. :)

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