Overbearing mom

Bethany - posted on 12/18/2011

ok, so it's been over a year now, how are things going Megan?

Dusty - posted on 12/18/2011

Honestly, it sounds mean, but I would cut off contact between her & your child until she understands that you are serious about this. She needs to understand that YOU are that child's mother, not her. It is okay to spoil grandchildren once in awhile but when it starts getting in the way of your parenting, it's TOO much.

Sandy - posted on 11/30/2011

I have a Mother in law who is overbearing and undermining.
Who does think, " I raised my children just fine, So shoosh." she even does it at my house or even other family members.

Brandy - posted on 10/25/2010

seriously, maybe you should just let your mom spend more one on one time with your child. if she wants to spoil her on her own time, i dont see a problem, when grandma comes over tell her your little one wants to go to the park or someplace but that you just dont have time to take her because of whatever, if she shows up when youre making dinner let them play while you keep busy and then when its time to eat let your mother know youre taking your child to sit at the table now but shes welcome to join you. if you have a routine dont bend it unless grandma is taking full responsibility of the conscequenses, if she wants to keep your child up past bed time she can at her house where your child will be staying the night, otherwise this is your house and you have a routine. you dont have to be mean about it, you could even let her slide the first time it happens and explain to her next time i would like for you to do this because, and explain to her why its inconvienient for you.

Avvy - posted on 10/24/2010

Grandmothers who want to be included in their Grandchildrens lives must respect the moms wishes,if they don't the children will not.Pick your battles but be firm when you must....... long term it is best for everyone!

Crystal - posted on 10/22/2010

Oh LOL, this is like the eternal feud between mother and daughter. Do you think your grandmother listened to what your mother had to say? Grandparents have been waiting years to spoil their grandchildren and if she is like most mothers I know she probably thinks " I raised you just fine so shoosh", LOL.
I'm going to laugh in my child's face if he dare tell me how to treat my grandchild.
I know it can be frustrating but pick your battles and if it is something as mild as giving candy then I'd shrug it off.
I'm sure every one of us here can relate and tell you a story to match yours. My grandmother started giving my son rice krispy treats at 1 year old. It makes my skin crawl so I just make sure he eats really well before I take him to her.
If it IS something that could potentially harm your child or that you are really uncomfortable with remind her that times have changed since she was a mother and you deserve the right to raise your child the way you want to.
If that dosnt work I always say "well his Dr. said its NOT ok for him to be doing......" whatever it is that I don't want him to do.
Also try not to talk to her in the heat of the moment and remember to give good feedback too.



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Jennafer - posted on 10/21/2010

I agree with Dawn, harsh but true. You are the mother of that child, she is your responsibility, you make her rules, you provide her comfort and security, and she is just going to have to respect that. Maybe if the conversation is too touchy for the both of you and gets heated it may be easier to just write her a letter and express your feelings on paper, that way you can re-read them, and make sure you are saying what you need to say without getting hurtful, or damaging your relationship (or your daughters and hers) Grandmas are very important in our childrens lives. (and in ours too if your mom don't mind babysitting!) So just be sensitive and know that she may be going through some issues of her own that is causing her to be so overbearing, maybe its the realizing she's no longer a mother, but a grandmother, or maybe its having to let you go and be on your own now, I dont know I don't know the situation. Just trying my best to offer a little something :) I hope it all works out for you!

Dawn - posted on 10/21/2010

Oh my, she is totally dismissing you as the mother...time to put your foot down big time, IMO!! By any and all means neccessary :)

Megan - posted on 10/21/2010

My mom does not live with us. We live in the same town though like 5 min away from each other so we see her like 4-5 times a week. She isn't doing anything to endanger my child. She is just doing things that I don't want her to. For example, the other day we went out to lunch and my daughter didn't eat so when I walked away to throw away the trash my mom fed her m&ms. I asked my mom not to do this and she told me that she is the grandma so it's ok. When my daughter falls and bumps her head she always takes her out of my arms when she is crying. I tell her to give her back and my mom replies with "she needs her grandma" It's just little things like that. I'm trying to establish rules with my child and my mom is just going against everything that I say. I tried to have a conversation with her last night and she got so defensive and said that I was insulting her. This has been an ongoing battle since my child was born. I don't know what to do other than to not spend time with my mom but then she will show up at my house. I'm totally at a loss on how to deal with this situation.

Brandy - posted on 10/21/2010

oh man i feel ya on that one lol! i have the same questions as bethany though.
my mother was always very over protective of me and a little too concerned with everthing i was doing as an adult but we have always had a good relationship and i can respect the fact that she does these things out of love and worry. so naturally when i became a mother everything kind of went into extreme mode. it was a little unnerving in the beginning but then we moved in with her for awhile and it was just too much! i tried to talk to her about it but its a very touchy subject because she automatically assumes that anything she says is going to get negetive reaction from me so she became a bit defensive right off the bat, we talked about it the best we could and came to the agreement that we just could not live together, so now we rent her upstairs, and its not perfect but the space has really helped. when we visit jenna is spoiled and sometimes i have to undermind my mother if she allows her to do things that i dont allow her to do and that sends a clear message to my mother, however i let alot of stuff go at her house because its her house and she just wants to have a special relationship with jenna and jenna is understanding now that she can do certain things at grandmas that she cant do at home like eating junk food etc... and my mom is really trying, she bought jenna a halloween costume recently after i told her not to because we wanted to do it, but she told me she just wants to get jennas pics taken in it, and thats perfectly fine. she does still run up here when she hears jenna crying sometimes lol but she just loves her so much, so its ok (even if it is annoying).
but it is hard to make suggestions when we dont really know what exactly is going on, if its a situation like mine, try to talk to her and explain to her that she can still be the kind of grandma she wants to be, but when you are around you want to be mommy. and make sure she knows what things you just will not bend on such as, jenna is not allowed to have caffiene under no circumstances. and maybe you should have a little space, let your mom have one on one time with your child and then distance your family from her more often by doing things without your mother. hope this helps.

Bethany - posted on 10/21/2010

Does she live with you? When is she doing the opposite of what you ask? Is it threatening the safety of your child? Is her way wrong, or just different to what you would do? Lots of questions, hey.