dad having trouble bonding

Stephanie - posted on 07/07/2010

My 4 month old little one and his dad have yet to bond. My husband is in the military and is gone quite a bit, so they havent spent a lot of time together. Plus my husband is deploying on the 21st of this month and so my son really wont know who his dad is when he gets back. I know exactly what you are talking about when you say your husband hasnt bonded with your baby. I have tried a lot, but my husband says it is because our son is so little that he is afraid to do too much with him. He says that when our son gets older and able to crawl or walk, thats when they will start to bond because he will be able to do more with him. so maybe your husband is just waiting for your baby to get older because he may be afraid of hurting your baby by playing with him.

Laurie - posted on 07/07/2010

My son and partner didn't have trouble bonding, but I am the only person who can soothe the baby, and get the baby to sleep. Son and Dad are just fun buddies. I get to do all the dirty work.
There was a little problem at first, because dad works alot and wants to "relax" when he gets home. It took a few times of my having a "breakdown" the minute he got home before he got the message.
The more Dad feeds baby the better the bonding. If breast feeding you can express some and put in a bottle for Dad to feed

Jordz - posted on 07/04/2010

my babys 5 mths old and is having the same problem. my partner works and on his days off likes to fix the car. all my lil man does is scream for his dad yet as soon as i get him he stops. yet when ive got friends over he still carrys on and screams if my partner has him yet if anyone else takes him hes fine? ive tried telling my partner its cos bub doesnt know who he is but he wont believe me.

Jo - posted on 07/02/2010

i have a mummy's boy too! my partner works really long hours and isn't home all that much but when he is i try to make him spend time with his son. he's said a few times " my son doesn't like me"! but he knows it's because i'm always looking after him. if his dad's holding him, he always looks around for me too. i've also gone out a few times with friends since he's been born and every time i get texts saying he's crying for his mumma! i think it might just be a clingy stage he's going through but my partner can't wait for him to be bigger so he can play with him!

Rebecca - posted on 07/02/2010

My 5 mth old has just recently started having time with Daddy. She is very attached to me!

Sharon - posted on 07/01/2010

Thanks guys!! Will continue to try get him to spend more time with his son. although it takes alot to get him off the computer as he says "i need to relax too" will continue to try though.

@ Jenny - no he doesn't bond with anyone else. i ave a feeling i'm his security blanket coz if someone else is holding him i have to be with in eyesight if not standing right next to him.

Michelle - posted on 06/27/2010

I have two kids and my husband works a lot (anywhere from 60-80 hours per week). But he is the most devoted father I know and runs straight to the kids as soon as he gets home. Anyway, my children spend all day with me, so they naturally are attached to me. Sometimes when my husband gets home at night, my 4 month old screams in his face, but she's usually more grumpy in the evening. And my son won't let his dad get him dressed or take him to the bathroom, etc. My husband always feels hurt. "I'm a third (now fourth ;) ) wheel in this family." It does get better as the kids get older, but my son, who is three, is still more attached to me.



The kids bond the best with their dad when I'm working on the weekends. When I get home, suddenly my son is asking for my dad, and my daughter is smiling like crazy at him.



I suggest letting your husband have alone time with your son on a regular basis. If you're always home, your son (and your husband, perhaps) will always look to you for daily needs (dressing, eating, diapering). If your husband or you are nervous about your husband's abilities to take care of your son the "right way," don't be. He has your son's best interest at heart. He may do things differently, but it gets done and they have a great time together.



Go have some mommy time alone and let your husband bond!

Suzan - posted on 06/27/2010

Mandy, I feel for you. Your hubby might be depressed and feel left out, you should look into that further, maybe even speak to your doctor about it, you could find out the signs on the internet. My hubby treated our daughter like a china tea cup when she was born. Everytime he tried to change her nappy, bath her or dress her, she would get upset and cry. About 3 months ago, I told my husband to not be scared of her and he can be rough with her, babies know if someone is scared of them, they will sense it and get scared themselves. My husband works 6 days a week, 50 hrs a week and gets very tired, but I make him spend time with her every night. He has the responsibility of being a dad now and that means doing things for and with her. Ever since I told him to be more confident with her and not scared, she doesn't crack up anymore. Good luck to you ladies, I hope things get better for you.

Mandy - posted on 06/26/2010

My son (Mason) is almost 5 months old. It's been a struggle to get his dad to spend time with him. When Mason was born, his dad didn't want to hold him in fear of droping him. Now, he is almost 20 lbs and very chunky. I still can't get him to spend time with his son. I can't even get him to give Mason a bath or anything like that. I am so frustrated with this. He doesn't wake up to Mason crying in the middle of the night so I can't make him do the night time routine. So all Mason knows, is Mommy. The worst part that is heartbreaking to me, is when daddy walks in the room, Mason does nothing but stare at his dad and gets very currious...he want's to spend time with his Dad. But that feeling is'nt mutual. When dad comes home from work, he sit's on the couch and when I try and put Mason in his arms, he says he is too sore or has another excuse. So in response, I understand your frustration completly.

Jenny - posted on 06/25/2010

Zoe is the same way. We have our 4month check up today so I'm going to talk to the dr about it. Does your baby bond with anyone besides you? Zoe doesn't.

Gena - posted on 06/25/2010

I know in my case it seemed like my son could sense his dad just wasn't as confident with him as I was. We have to remember most of the time for mom's it's like 2nd nature to us to take care of our babies. Dad's don't always feel that way. So the more time he can spend with the baby & maybe some praise from you as to how well he is doing maybe he will feel better about taking care of her & she too will sense this & feel better :)

Jen - posted on 06/23/2010

wow- I guess Catherine's comments have been taken off but by all of your responses I'm glad I didn't have to read what ignorance she wrote anyway. So don't stress and just enjoy being a family..

Taylor - posted on 06/23/2010

HAHA what?!? Catherine, are you serious? That's probably the most ridiculous response I've ever read. I literally laughed out loud that someone would be ignorant enough to put that. I read your responses to other posts as well and they were equally as rude/sarcastic... don't respond to people who are only looking for advice/help unless you have something thoughtful to say.

Amy - posted on 06/23/2010

Wow, Catherine, that's not a good assumption to make! There are 2 other people here that have said that their husbands also had a hard time bonding with their babies...I think Sharon is probably pretty sure, or else she wouldn't have asked the question. Please try to be sensitive to the issue at hand.

Jen - posted on 06/22/2010

good advice Amy... my husband had a hard time as well- everytime we came home from work (baby can go with me) she was SO tired that all she wanted was boob and sleep. this was also the only time her daddy could see her so he was heart broken when all she did was cry. Now we're 4 months into it and I know that I have to leave the room and just let them be.

Amy - posted on 06/21/2010

I have a 2-year-old as well as a feb 2010 baby, both boys, and honestly, I think it's just hard for dads to bond with tiny babies. I don't know if you're breastfeeding, but that seems to make it harder for daddies too. My husband found that once my son was weaned, he was less clingy to me, but that was also at a time when they could play with each other, so I'm not sure if it was really because he was weaned or not, or just the age. Although my husband hasn't said anything, I get the feeling he hasn't really bonded with Greyson (the baby). Greyson really only wants me, and I think it is hard on a dad's self-esteem to have to deal with it. Give it time. This is just a temporary thing. It sounds like you're doing all that you can. Maybe let your husband do more of the fun things? I know that in the mornings, Greyson is a lot happier, so on the weekends, I really try to make sure Steven gets him dressed and plays with him then. I think it helps the dad to know that the problem isn't that their son doesn't like HIM, but more that he just needs mommy more right now. If there's a task that you know your son will cry through, (as much as it sucks for you) try to do it yourself, rather than having your husband do it, that way he gets to experience the joyful experiences of being a father, and not just the, "He's crying again, I don't think he likes me." Don't force the baby on him (although I do it at times - when it's been a long day, and I just can't hold the baby any longer! lol), and when the baby's in a good mood, act very upbeat about it, and say something like, "Hey, do you want to come play with him now?" And use your mommy cues (you know you have them) to tell when the baby's getting to the breaking point, and pick him up before then, that way your husband doesn't think that the baby started crying because of him.

If it's any consolation, my son love, love, loves his daddy now, and screeches, "DADDY!!!!!!!!!" when my husband walks in the door from work. They play together, and Daddy can make him laugh like no other person on earth. Just remember, this too shall pass.