What to do

Lisa - posted on 07/07/2010

We are now 4 month into out therapy and it is amasing how far back my sons fears are. He was non verbal at the time he was taken into care by social service at the age a 18months and we are now giving his fears waords and his feelings are getting names. in May me had him tested and he now has an IEP andI am feeling like we have a good plan in place! I still wish that love was enough !

Sharon - posted on 02/28/2010

Is your son on an IEP at school? If not you see if her qualifies for emotionally disturbed status. My son has that status. Then when he melts down in school they have a plan on how to deal with it. A special ed teacher who specializes in e.d. kids and can help with the behavior management.

Jacqui - posted on 02/23/2010

Dear Lisa,

There will be so much that you will have no idea about. Especially what triggers these fears. It can be so simple as the feel of velvet and that triggers off unhappy memories, which he then gets scared and acts out. Therapy is good, can take a while and will depend on the child as to how deep these fears go back, but it's a good start as it can provide you both a way to communicate as it is something you are doing together.

The DVD was recorded for me but you can look up Dr. B. Bryan Post, PHD, LCSW and Gizane Indart, LPC.

Dr. B.Bryan Post said so many things in this DVD that just clicked - and trust me I had been taking her to therapy for 6years and in yet 30mins everything was crystal clear.

Look them up.

Jacqui
xx

Lisa - posted on 02/22/2010

Thanks for all the advice yes my children have life books and I am learning to be more comfortable sharing them woth the children and we are now working with a Therapist to help my 5 year old fill in the gaps of his story. I just really make me sad to hear and see his reaction to some of the things that come up.

Lisa - posted on 02/22/2010

What was the video called and where did you get it? I would love to watch it! we have found a new therapist and I am it seems to be going well we are just thre sessions in. But I do feel alot of his anger is out of fear and I an learning new ways of parenting him daily. Nothing seems to work well for him too long.

Jacqui - posted on 02/22/2010

i have just watched this video expl;aining that kids when scared act out in scary ways. It really made sense to me. The best way they suggest is to ignore the actions but not the child. So i would suggest that instead of punishing him when he does these things ignore it (as long as nobody is getting hurt) and then after about an hour go back to him calmly and say .....i noticed that when you are angry,scared or whatever emotion you think is trigering this, you bite and kick people. This hurts me when i see this. You know you are safe and are not going anywhere don't you? You know you can trust me and can tell me anything anytime. then walk away give him space to absorb this - even at 5 he will understand the unspoken words of trust and love... I am trying the out with my fostered son (he's 6!) and it is working. I am giving him endless amounts of hugs and this seems to be helping with his security. I keep telling him he's not going anywhere and that this is his home and well he seems happier.
Its just a suggestion but I would give it a go.

Good luck.....It will not happen over night but is progressive. :))

Jacqui

Marshella - posted on 02/16/2010

Assuming that he likes school, and that he is the eldest, and the other two younger ones are not in school or daycare - I can see why he'd act up at school esp. if he's "rewarded" with a suspension. Look at it from his perspective - he's "lost" one/two parents already (not knowing his situation), add to that the normal/usual fear that kids have who enter school and are around that age - "what if something happens to my loved ones, will they be there for me after school?" worries - and even he may be feeling like he's being "pushed out" or "not favored or loved" anymore because he has to go away and the younger ones get to stay....

These are likely not obvious to him, the behavior is from the subconcious. However, reaching out to him to qualm these fears and giving extra attention and love and discussing how "some kids (like him) may feel...." type conversations can go a long way to helping him. If I have particulars wrong and you don't feel that these could be contributing to the issue, set me straight....

Marshella - posted on 02/16/2010

Lisa,
Does he display the same behaviors at home? Is he the eldest (and therefore the first one to go to school)? If he is the eldest, I can see many reasons for that behavior. Do you know what triggers it? When it and how frequently it is occurring? How does he act when you drop him off or pick him up (at bus stop or school, whichever it may be). Is he in a private or public school? Answers to these questions will help me help you with his behavior.

Beth - posted on 02/10/2010

Lisa, I so hear what you are saying! I would have to ditto what the other two moms gave for advice and also ask if he's been evaluated by Child Development Services or by the school?? There may be things going on that no one is really seeing because you are all "in the middle of it". Sometimes it takes an outsider to take a look and give suggestions. My oldest daughter shows a lot of behaviors at school, especially when there is lots of commotion going on. To someone who doesn't know her, it would look like she's just trying to gain attention, but what she is really "saying" is I'm overwhelmed and I need help pulling it together or calming down. Her neurological system hasn't caught up with her yet and she gets overwhelmed quickly.
Hang in there and maybe the most important thing is take care of yourself too! Make sure you get some time for you so that you have the strength to keep on parenting him!
Beth

Tonya - posted on 02/09/2010

It will not be easy.Children have a lot of baggage. Talk to you school about a BIP(behavior intervention plan) be very open with the school about your child's past (as much as possible). Certain teachers can not handle kids that have gone throuh what most of our kids have. If the teacher is too loud or too timid has a lot to do with how your son is behaving, does he feel singled out, picked on, or maybe there is too much attention paid to his unappealing behaviors and that is all the attention he gets--all lot of kids behavior is a direct reaction to their environment--please make sure you talk to the school leaders asap--if he is made to feel this way this early you will more than likely have problems through out school.

Mia - posted on 02/09/2010

Hi Lisa,

DO the kids have Life Books? Or any photos of bio family? We have found that talking about the birth family helps a great deal, both in fostering and adopting. Talking about their journey from start to now...especially as they start comparing selves to other kids in the school system. How open is the adoption?