Cari-Ann - posted on 04/21/2010 ( 4 moms have responded )
I feel a little bewildered currently, and hope some of you may be able to help shed some light on the different, weird, wacky thoughts going through me.
I was adopted when I was 2 1/2 years old, love my parents, both have passed in the last 10 years, and my brother.....toyed with the idea of searching for my biological family, but was always too scared of being rejected, and not wanting to muck up their lives by reappearing.
For the past 35 years, it's as if a huge ? has been hanging over me, yet at the same time, it's no big deal. Am I making any sense??
I have come to love, respect and be proud of who I am today.....and comfortable with the person I am.
Four days ago, seems so much longer, I received a letter from an organisation in the state I grew up in, asking me to contact them regarding a personal matter........admittedly I was terrified, as my ex hubby has the prominent care of my younger daughters, simply because that was the status quo at the time of our divorce......yet instinctively I knew it was either regarding my own adoption or my daughters......either the nightmare has ended, or pandora's box is to be opened.
I made the call, only to be told the case manager was away.....thankfully only on lunch as it turned out. My birth/biological mother was searching for me. Has been for the past 13 months.
I'm not angry, upset, annoyed at her in any way shape or form.....I feel sorry that she's missed out on my youth, on watching her granddaughter's grow up, and seeing her great granddaughter in her first year of life. She has already suffered, and nothing I say, or do, could hurt her as much as her own thoughts or fears.
I do want to open the lines of communication, but I'm numb to it all at the same time. I know it's up to me if I want her to have any identifying information about me, and right now, I'm not quite ready for that. There is a letter from her on it's way to me via VANISH, and it's a strange feeling to be going about my daily life, yet with the knowledge that something so life altering or life improving is headed my way.
I've spoken to a support group in the capital city of where I know reside, and that has been a help....along with a fair few emails between myself and the case manager at VANISH......my family, friends and people who matter the most to me in my life now are all amazing people who are supporting me......
Is it 'normal' (define normal lol) for me to be so detached at the moment? This is a bombshell that's been dropped into my life.....yet at the same time, it's not quite real yet either.
Thank you for reading, I guess I just need to get a little perspective....instead of so much emotional yeses at the moment....I am thankful the ones I'm close to are being so supportive, but I would like some honest feedback, without the emotional connections, if that makes sense?
Take care everyone.