Maybe i can help by offering input from a differnt point of view! I was a fosterchild later adopted!

Michelle - posted on 05/10/2010

It all depends on the age, gender and situtaion the child was in! If u want u can send me a personal message if u want and we can chat!

Stacy - posted on 05/09/2010

Hi, my husband and I just started the proses for fostering to adopt. I have been looking for advice on what I can do to make the childs stay with me as comfterable as posible. Maybe some input from your point of view will help.

Veronica - posted on 04/09/2010

Michelle thanks for adding your point of view, often times in life we forget to look at things from both sides. I have 2 siblings that were adopted out of foster care and I am currently in the process of adopting our daughter from foster care. We got her at 7 months and she is now 16 months. We plan on talking about her being adopt from the start and do so to some degree now. For those of you who are adopting infants and toddlers, I'd say talk to them from the beginning just do it on an age appropriate level. There are all kinds of children books out there on adoption. I have some in my daughter's book collection and we just read them and when she gets older and is able to ask questions then we'll go from there accordingly.

Michelle - posted on 03/11/2010

That is amazing Christine! I would love to give back by fostering a child and helping them through their situation but currently we are not in a position to do so! When we are ready and the time is right I would do it in a heart beat! It is sad to see the number of kids who have to b bounced around and have bad experiences! I struggle every day with challenges asking myself what a normal parent would do in a certain situation cause I cant exactly go by what I was shown, taught or what was done to me as a child, and there are so many people with opinions on how to raise a child!(funny how half of the ones who have written books about it dont even have kids) It can be hard to do what is right for your family when you dont have that foundation to build on! Im happy u are able to help other kids and that u made it through and are doing good! God Bless!

Christine - posted on 03/11/2010

Hi Michelle... I just joined, and your post caught my eye. I was in the foster care system as a child, was adopted when I was 10, and then went back into the system by the time I was a teenager. Things have changed these days, from back when I was in the system though. I am currently doing foster care... and most times, enjoy it. I have considered if a child comes to me, and goes for adoption, would I do it... but so far, I have not had to cross that bridge. I agree with your statement about how you grew up, impacting your parenting style. I was the same way.. My children are now grown, 22, 24, and I decided I wanted to give to the younger kids, what I could.

Michelle - posted on 01/11/2010

I dont know the laws there or how strict they are! It kind of depends on situation and why he was taken i guess! I know there are confidentiality rules so I would just explain to caseworker and probably delete the person from friends list! I cant see them taking you for messing up once but again it depends on how extreme his situation was! I hope all goes well and that you get to keep him! Good luck!

Kim - posted on 01/11/2010

On days that he has dr appointments he gets to miss the whole day of school. We go to my moms house, sometimes eat out at McDonald's, and after the dr appt usually go back to my moms til it's time for dad to leave work. It's a way to make seeing the dr more fun and let him see that while he could be at school, we are allowing him the whole day so the dr appt doesn't "ruin" it all. :) It sounds kinda dumb but it works. Sometimes...well, most of the times...he is upset and acts out a day or two after the dr appt (mental health). I know this is the norm but this is when the big problems/tantrums occur. We are working through things very well though.



Do you have any advice on what happens when a relative (of our boy) is found (by us) and that relative see's a picture on a page (that is otherwise private) due to being added as a "friend" so we could talk? The pic has since been deleted, and it wasn't a frontal, but I've been told by our boys caseworker that "she'd have to talk to her supervisor about it". I don't know if "it" was the picture (due to breach of client privelege) or finding the relative. It was so NOT intentional!!! Will they take him away? We're in Louisiana.

Michelle - posted on 01/11/2010

Oh one more thing is that every once in awhile my mom would surprise me in the morning when she got me up and tell me that she was gonna let me stay home from school for a day and we would hang out and just have a bonding day and reward ourselves for our hard work and commitment! Of coarse this was only once in awhile but it was reassuring that she took a day off of work just for me and let me play hookie so that we could hang out and reward ourselves!

Michelle - posted on 01/11/2010

Hi Kim! It sounds like you are doing exactly ehat you should be and that you know it will take some time! I can understand his mixed feelings and changing his mind all the time cause he knows he wants a family but has some trust issues(totally understandable)! Even though you tell him that you guys want to adopt him, he has heard it before and I know that the fear of being hurt again is probably in the back of his mind so if he feels like he is getting attatched he may push you away to avoid being hurt just in case you guys decide you dont want him! Although not an excuse, his behavior problems are understandable and may be his way of keeping you upset with him so that he doesnt have to worry about getting attatched and being hurt and rejected again! As far as having love/hate feelings for his mom...i felt the same way! He will always love her cause no matter what she gave birth to him and in a messed up way although she obviousley did something wrong to have him taken form her he still cares for her and possibly feels some blame for being taken! I had mixed feelings to! there were many reasons why I was taken from my mom and one of the reasons was abuse and I used to think if she would just get better and take me back that I would do anything to upset her again that way she wouldnt be tempted to hurt me! That may not make sense to people who havent been in our shoes or even to an adult but that is the way kids think! I would tell you to just keep doing what you are doing and make sure you tell him often that you love hime and that you want to make it permanant! Celebrate the time he has been with you....like do something special on the day he has been there for six months and talk about things coming up in the next six months! Talk about any family traditions and things he will need to know about and be a part of, like if you all have a family reunion every summer tell him about what you guys do and who all will be there! Include him in things that will hint to him even more that it is permanant! Sometimes showing it in ways that may not seem that big of a deal to you are the things that we notice...for example a name plaque for his door or an assigned seat at the table! These may be things that you have already done but continue to think of things that will SHOW him that you wont back out on him and he will slowly become more comfortable with it and settle in over time! It is hard both on you and him im sure but it sounds like you are on the right track and know what you are doing! Not only does he need reasusrance but you do to, its important for people to support you and tell you that you are doing a good job and that you just have to keep it up! If you have any more questions i am happy to help! Good luck!



Sorry my response was so long but this subject can have long complicated answers! Im sure you understand! lol

Kim - posted on 01/07/2010

Hi Michelle,

I am a foster-to-adopt parent and currently have an 8 yr old boy in our care that we plan to adopt as soon as TPR is completed. He's an overall good boy that has overly dramatic moments and problems with listening and telling the truth (sometimes). He does very well in school and aout 80% of the time very well at home. :) During his first month with us he had two tantrums. One was 2 hours long the other was 4 hours long. A week before Christmas he got upset Friday & Saturday and said he wanted to leave, packed his stuff (everything!) and we called his CW. She basically said "are you going to let an 8 year old make his own choices?" No, but when he said he didn't want me as his mom and didn't want to be with us it hurt. He's been here for 3 1/2 months, knows we want to adopt him, and says he wants to be adopted. He's been physically and emotionally abused & neglected and is in therapy to help him with that and dealing with anger. His anger issues are nowhere near what they were in the beginning and he deals with things a lot better now. He 'hates' his birth father for not wanting him and alternately 'love/hates' his birth mother for not trying to get him back.



Do you have any advice on how to help him realise we are here for the long haul...forever? He's had 2 other foster homes tell him they'd adopt him then change their mind. Basically no one has wanted to keep him and deal with the minor issues he has (anger & abandonment).

Michelle - posted on 01/04/2010

I am not sure why some kids get tossed around more than others but it is not easy on the child/children! All situations are different and may have reasons they are jumped around but when a child is happy and the foster parents are willing to keep them until they are sent back to parents or adopted I dont c why in some cases they are still moved around! All that does is damage the child more and make them feel unwanted and can cause lots of problems emotionally, behaviorally and even physical health problems! I was moved around so many times i lost count! At first I was put in an emergency home right away when i was taken but they couldnt find someone that day to take all of us so a few days later they found a home that would take me and one of my siblings so i was moved there then we were sent back to our bio mom!(which was stupid on the states part) We were taken again and i was placed with a great family that took me and my little sister(there was 5 of us) and the others were placed seperatly! My 2 brothers were adopted right away into seperate homes and my older sister was placed in a foster home and stayed there toll she was eventually adopted by the family who wanted to adopt all 3 of us girls but couldnt do it financially! My little sister and I stayed in the home for 2 years then moved to another home together and we loved it there as well! The couple was unable to have kids of their own and wanted to adopt us but didnt think they were good enough parents!(they were perfect in my eyes) I think part of it was that we were so "damaged" that they didnt think they would b able to give us all the support we needed and they felt we needed someone who better understood what we went through! I still keep in contact with them! I was sent to a new home and later adopted by the new family at age 9 but never felt as if i had belonged and later they lost custody of me and i was sent back into the system and attempted suicide when i was 13 and put in hospital for 4 months and then they placed me back with my adopted dad who started abusing me and again i was put back in the system and into a group home! My adopted dad kept finding out where i was so i was moved to the opposite end of the stae with a family that cared for special needs and disabled children but it wasnt the right place for me so they moved me again and i was placed with a family who had 7 foster children of all different ages and circumstances! I hated every bit of my life! (I had lots of short tem homes inbetween) When I was 15 they allowed me to move to Wisconsin(which is where my adopted mom is from and she had moved back after her divorce)with the condition that she would never tell my adopted dad that i was with her! She ended up telling him and he killed himself 2 months b 4 he was set to go on trial for the things he did to me! My adopted mom had a breakdown and I was placed with my adoptive cousin who had 3 children! It didnt work out cause there were mixed feelings within the whole family about me staying there and I was placed in another home but in the same town! I started getting into trouble so they put me in a group home and i stayed there for 2 months and then went back to the same foster home! By then I was almost 17 and they decided to let me b on my own(immancipation was not allowed at the time) I got my own apartment and the county made me go to independent living classes and kept tabs on my social security check that i recieved form the death of my bio and adopted dad! I learned alot form the helpo they gave me but I still had lots of problems over the next few years and made very bad choices especially when it came to men! I am now with a wonderful man and happily married and little by little we talk about my past and he handles things well! Like i said b 4 I have been greatly affected by what i went through and I know that i would b a much better person, wife and mother had things been easier for me but i try to make the most of it! So all in all I dont know why SW do what they do or if they even have a choice and no idea if they realize the damage that they are causeing these kids and how it will affect them through the years! It is awsome that you make it clear that you will keep the kids until they go to a place where they will b permanatly placed...you are saving those kids from all the trauma that could take place if they were moved around all the time! Consider yourself a hero to all the kids who are lucky enough to b placed with you and your family! :)

Diane - posted on 12/29/2009

Michelle is there a way to keep kids from jumping around in the fostercare system like you did? i hear that all the time that kids jump from one foster home to another and I don't understand why? we tell our SW that we will keep the kids until reunification is done or they go with relitives.Don't other homes do that?

Michelle - posted on 12/17/2009

Im happy to share with you all! Although my whole life story may seem horrifying to most, it is my life and I am not ashamed of the things I had no control over! I havent ever read that book but I might have to read it now! I was in and out of fostercare for years and was placed in many different homes so I have lots of opinions and different views and now that I am older I can look at things from not only a foster childs perspective but an adults as well! Are there specific topics that you are looking for my perspective on? Im happy to help no matter what the subject!

Megan - posted on 12/17/2009

Michelle, thanks for being here and sharing so openly. I'm a fairly new foster mom of twin toddlers. My husband and I hope to be able to adopt them in the next year. I'm wondering if you have read any of Sherrie Eldridge's books, particularly "Twenty Things Adopted Kids Wish Their Parents Knew." Linda mentioned the book and I have found it very helpful. The author was adopted as well but I'm curious about your perspective as someone that has been a foster/adopted child.

Thanks,
Megan

Michelle - posted on 12/10/2009

Thanks Linda! I think I worded things wrong about my siblings....the new children my bio mom has i have never seen but my other siblings that were adopted and taken when i was i talk to them all except one who was put in a closed adoption and his parents changed his name so we havent been able to find him! I hope we do find him some day but he was only 3 when we were taken and unfortunitly he suffered brain damage so he doesnt even remember us at this point i am sure!

Linda - posted on 12/09/2009

Hi All, I am reading a book right now, that may help some. It's "20 things an adoptive child wants their adoptive parents to know." I agree with some of the stuff in it, but some I don't. Anyway, they have some very good suggestions on how / when to tell your child they were adopted, etc.

Thank you, Michelle for your reply. I give you and your Mom kudos for being the strong woman you are today. I hope that some day you find that a connection with your siblings would be a good thing. After all, you all are related and it isn't yours or their fault! You may find some comfort /healing in sharing your lives. Many Blessings to you! Linda :)

Michelle - posted on 12/08/2009

Hi Jackie, the right time to tell ur little one just depends on the situation and surroundings! Linda asked a similar question, I would say depending on maturity level to tell her between age 10-12! The neat thing u can tell her is that she grew in ur heart not in ur bely and that u CHOSE HER! As she starts to get more curiouse then u can tell her bit by bit why she was adopted! Although its impossible with a bad situation to not say negative things about her bio parents(what i mean is if she was adopted cause she was abused or somthing like that then its hard ot avoud being negative about it)but always say she was made out of love and stuff of that nature! You will know when the time is right and even though i knew from the beginning things always came up in school like asking your parents why they named you what they named you and do a report on it.....the teacher ended up telling me to write a report on what i would name my child and why(i never stuck with the name though lol), also we had to have baby pictures on our locker one year and people had to guess whos locker it was and i had to cut one out of a magazine! Those arent things people think about but projects and similar things come up alot at school! A;sp u want to b the first to tell her b 4 someone else does, tell her you all will b having a special family night and u need to talk about some things and go out to eat and a movie and go home and snuggle up on the couch with u her and ur hubby and tell her but try to make it a happy surprise and not a sad thing! Im sure you will do it at the right time, just follow what your heart says!

Jackie - posted on 12/06/2009

hi michelle. my daughter came to live with me when she was a month old through foster care. when she was 2, i was able to adopt her. i was wondering when would be an appropriate age to tell her about being adopted. She used to do family visits with her birth parents when she was a baby but she has no memory of them. i have never talked to her about it because i thought she was too young to understand.

Michelle - posted on 12/05/2009

Hi Linda! Congrats, its a very special thing u are doing for the little guy! I was put in fostercare when i was 4 and moved around alot! I have 4 brothers and sisters and we were all seperated and i was adopted when i was 8! I think being open and honest is the best thing u can do and it helps prevent the child from not trusting u if u choose not to tell them! I dont know what age u should tell him at cause that depends on the situation, for example if u have neices or nephews and family members or biological children, they may tell him either by slipping or out of spite....kids can b mean and not realize the concequences! Like if they got a little older and they knew he was adopted and they had a little spat like most kids do and if the other kid knew he was adopted then they may say something just to win the argument! I would just try to b the first to tell him but explain that sometimes being adopted is beter cause "u chose him" and that he grew in your heart not in your belly! Im sure u know no matter what to never bad mouth the biological parents and just say that they loved him so they decided to do the best thing for him! Then when he is older maybe explain what actually happened! I remembered alot of what happened to me but when i was around 14 my parents let me read my case file and it was traumatic but it was reality and i did find my bio mom 2 1/2 years ago and i do not regret it cause i needed to know and needless to say she is still a pile of poop and didnt even apologize but as i said it was something i needed to do for my own personal reasons, however 3 of my other siblings had no desire even after i told them that i found her and that we had other siblings! I dont think i will ever meet her or my siblings but i am ok with that now, it all depends on the child and if they need that closure or not! I hope this helps! Good luck to you and ur family!

Linda - posted on 12/03/2009

Hi Michelle! Welcome to Foster Care / Adoption Moms! I am a foster parent and currently have a 16 month old little boy whom we've had since he was 8 weeks old. We plan on adopting him as soon as he is legally free. Were you adopted as an infant or older? I am wondering about when we will tell our lil guy he was adopted and about his parents. I want to be open/honest with him and help him should he choose to find his biological parents. Thank you!