Oh the Lies!

Kerry - posted on 11/11/2010 ( 5 moms have responded )

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My husband and I are foster parents to our almost 5 year old neice who was not taken care of my her grandfather. She has been with us since early July, and oh my god the lying she does. For example she will be jumping on her bed, and you will see her, and she see's you, and when you ask her if she was doing it she fires back no. So far she has lied about something every day and it's extremely stressful. We have tried explaining to her how much lying hurts and how easy it is to tell the truth. We have even asked her about right and wrong. We've asked her how it makes her feel when she lies to people and she says it makes her sad.
Now she does have ptsd and reactive attachment disorder, so I am not sure if what I am doing isn't the right way to approach it for these types of issues. The lying wouldn't be a problem except my 7 year old gets annoyed with her always blaming stuff on him.
She was babied a lot and now she is not the baby since we have a 1 year old and she seems to take a lot of anger out on her by actually trying to hurt her. Not sure how to handle this in the way that gets to her so this can stop. She has no guilt for the things she is doing, and when we try to explain it she smiles and acts as if there is no problem.
We don't yell at her, and we normally send her to the time out chair or take away a toy. Don't know if there is something better.
Thank-you

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Cara - posted on 12/16/2010

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P.S. taking away toys will not work. Children with attachment disorders have no attachment skills. This includes attachment to toys/items. I would suggest time INs or doing something nice to the person they were mean to like helping them clean their room, getting them some toys, etc (just make sure you are supervising this in case it makes her angry).

Cara - posted on 12/16/2010

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Normal parenting techniques do NOT work with RAD children. Research Attachment Therapists in your area and run, not walk to get there! Do not be fooled by a therapist 'trained in RAD'. It is not the same. Read Parenting the Hurt Child, 1-2-3 Magic, When Love is Not Enough and any other books by Nancy Thomas or Gregory Keck. The more you educate yourself the better off you will be. In the meantime do not ask her ANY questions. She will lie and she will look to push any of your buttons that she can. She feeds off of your reactions thus the Reactive part of the reactive attachment disorders. Good luck! I know how hard it is.

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Debra - posted on 05/18/2011

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RAD is a serious emotional disturbance. Get educated on it! There is loads of information on the internet, I foster children with RAD. I bought the training program When love is not enough by Nancy Thomas. The training is great and made a difference with my children. Let me know if I can be of an help

Melissa - posted on 03/10/2011

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Have you tried rewarding her when she is honest instead of punishing when she lies. I would start out with tons of rewards maybe for every 6 hours she can go then 8 then 12 then the whole day. Maybe try stickers and if she gets so many she can have a special day with just you or you and your husband without the other kids. most of the time kids lie to get attention. she is probably just feeling out of place and wants to make herself known even if it is in the wrong way. Good Luck!

Kathy - posted on 01/11/2011

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I have one of those!!! even told his psychologist and therapist he is "addicted to lying"... well for me.. he is 12 now and I just started to ignore it... gave no attention to it. and whenever anyone else was involved I would automatically say I believed the other person because the 12 year old decided for himself not to be trustworthy. He doesn't like it but it has helped somewhat in the lying. The more I made an issue of it the more he lied... so far it's helped with the "constant" lying.

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