Reactive Attachment Disorder

JoAnne - posted on 01/18/2013

I have a 15 year adopted daughter who always had attachment issues but has just recently morphed into RAD. She is hitting my husband and me and is alternately despondent/ suicidal and raging and combative. Has anyone had experience with attachment oriented residential treatment facilities? We are considering placing her in one but it is terribly expensive. I'd like to talk to any parents who have had experiences with residential treatment????????

Erica - posted on 01/10/2013

my child is trying to kill me at night...he says it is hard to stop himself from doing it.

Michael - posted on 01/05/2013

Oh my god!
I haven't had a chance to read all of these replies, but I'm just starting and I'm almost in tears!
My Partner and I (We're two DADs, sorry, not moms haha) and have been foster Dads for over 18 months now. We have a beautiful little boy who has just turned 11 and he has RAD and ADHD.
I've only ever researched RAD before and learnt from the psychologist on what to expect, never have I found so many people and answers who have actually experienced this stuff properly, it is such a relief just to read your experiences! Everything I see you typing, it's just what our boy does! We've had so much progress thankfully in the last 12 months, through lots of love and also firm boundaries and we're slowly seeing things change, but there's still lots of behaviours we haven't been able to shake, your answers are clearly showing me this stuff is still related to the RAD, I've been beginning to feel like we just weren't doing things right anymore! Thank you so much for all your answers! Hopefully you'll be seeing me about on these forums a little more.
Thank you all for being such amazing foster carers to these kids!
xxoo
Michael & Anthony.

Morgan - posted on 12/12/2012

YIKES! I married a woman who came out of a horrible childhood. She is a budding author today. Sorry to hear you have to give up

Corinna - posted on 12/06/2012

To be honest I am not on this site because of a adopted child of mine, but for my young nephew. I would like to know if any of you mothers have experienced voilence, real voilence from your adopted children. My nephew was adopted out to a family, against our wishes, and now he has commited an extremely violent act against his adopted mother. He was with them for 2 years. Please help with any information you think may help me help him. He is a wonderful young boy, much loved, and needs us to help find why he did this. Is there a doctor who specializes in this disorder?

Morgan - posted on 11/27/2012

http://godinmybasementseries.blogspot.ca... I was adopted heres my story

Lore - posted on 10/13/2012

yes. We adopted our son when he was 2 and a half. The real problem started when he got his driver's license. He has committed many crimes. he is 29 yrs old now and just got out of 18 months in prison. He takes his extreme anger out on me his adopted mom. My biggest problem is I want to control him. He has a 4 year old son and he has abandoned him every time he has gottened arrested.I don't know how to relate to my son.

Sharon - posted on 09/19/2012

We adopted a girl who is 5yo now, soon to be 6yo, she came to live with us 3 yrs ago. I tried to downplay it at first, but she is full blown RAD. Therapy helps. The hardest part is to not react to her trying to push our buttons. If you're parenting a child with RAD, try to keep in mind that they're behavior is defensive, not offensive. This is a way for them to cope with the ultimate rejection. I sure hope that we are able to overcome the worst of it before puberty.

Sharon - posted on 09/17/2012

I have adopted 3 children that seem to be Reactive attachment. I was not told this but after having them for 3 years now I am pretty sure that is what we are dealing with. They have absolutely no attachment with us after 3 years.

Melissa - posted on 09/16/2012

By the way: always keep yourself regulated - don't respond to a RAD kid in anger.

Melissa - posted on 09/16/2012

Yes. I adopted my husband's now 12 year old son, who was neglected and abandoned by his bio mom. To rub salt into the wound, she kept his fraternal twin and jettisoned him off at around age 8. He had multiple caregivers and when his father and I married when he was 9 I knew something was not right. I took him to therapy - every week; he was diagnosed as RAD (and ADHD). He is described as a "text book RAD kid". After 2 years with a highly regarded attachment therapist and hospitalization he became more unstable. We hired an educational consultant and we had him tested in a great 30 day facility (he could bluff anyone in 3 or 5 days). His diagnosis was RAD, ODD, AHDH and a couple of other disorders. We made arrangements at school based on the recommendations but it was recommended that we seek intensive out of home treatment for him. He is now in a facility where he has made more progress in 6 months than he did in weekly therapy for 2 years. We can't be happier with his progress...he's like a different kid. Prior to that though - there was a lot of meltdowns and rageful outbursts - mainly directed at me. It is exhausting both physically and mentally... that can't be underestimated! I had to sleep with my door locked when my husband was away - and my son was very charming to my husband... conquer and divide. We made the decision to get him help outside of our home after trying to slog it out. We were very lucky to have had a therapist who didn't think he knew everything and warned us we should get extra help - that some RAD kids don't respond to talk therapy. Our son was so angry and he would make very poor choices in a moment of rage. It was a hard and heartbreaking decision - but we had to keep thinking of the big picture and what would happen to our beautiful boy long term if he didn't get the help he needed. So: RAD kids can be saved; sometimes talk therapy doesn't work and if it doesn't - act sooner rather than later. Good luck!

Chaya - posted on 08/15/2012

I would bribe the children. If you can go three days using the potty, I'll take you for ice cream, buy you a toy, whatever works, you just got to find their currency. For my daughter, it was preschool.

Shawn - posted on 08/15/2012

I believe I would postpone the potty training for now until they forget about the little game they are playing. I know you are so ready to get her out of diapers but I think this is becoming a battlefield and one you won't win. Sorry that there is no magic answer for this. Try again in 1or 2 months. Good luck!

Denise - posted on 08/15/2012

I have had several foster children in my home with RAD. The latest are two little girls age 2 and 5. They have been with us for almost a year. I know I am nuts since we have fostered 9 diagnosed and 2 suspected.
My question is: how do you potty train a RAD child when she thinks it is funny to get off of the toilet pull up her pants and pee on her self. I am used to the older ones peeing on them self and every where else. Just going nuts about the potty training. It was going good until her sister started laughing every time she peed on herself. AUGH!! Any advise as how to go about it?

Shawn - posted on 08/02/2012

Dear Marilyn,

I am so sorry to hear about your RAD son and the problems that it has created for you and your family! I totally understand where you are coming from because we had a foster daughter with the same symptoms as your son. Not quite as severe...she never tried to harm us, but had the lying, the stealing, the extreme talking, the manipulative behavior, etc. She also was a child predator which was extremely disturbing. We could not leave her out of our line of sight for a minute. We could not visit with family members who had small children and since we just recently became first time grandparents, we could not imagine how that would play out. Thankfully for her and for us, she was placed in a group home for sexually abused youth. Maybe your son needs to go to one. It would not mean that your failed him...and it could possibly be that the particular help that he needs is there. Talk with your counselor for advice about this. No one needs to live life this scared. Our foster daughter is getting the help that she so needs. And no other children are getting hurt in the process. Blessings to you as you sort this out!

Marilyn - posted on 08/01/2012

I know you wrote this quite some time ago but wanted to thank you for posting the website, www.attachment.org. Even though I've read the website author's book, When Love is Not Enough, I didn't know about the site. I printed so much information to share with our sons' teachers and anyone else that deals with his behavior.
Thanks so much.

Marilyn - posted on 08/01/2012

If you haven't read We Adopted a Dusty Butterfly and When Love is Not Enough, please read them. Both authors have lived through being a parent to RAD children.

Marilyn - posted on 08/01/2012

We adopted our son 13 years ago and it's been hell here on earth. My husband and I are at our wits end. We raised 8 of our own children so this wasn't our first rodeo in raising our son. When he was placed with us at 2 1/2, he had been removed from his parents home and had 3 more placements before coming to us. So his life cycle was broken several times. The lying started in 3rd grade and it progressed to an every day thing as well as the stealing........my jewelry, cash, He would bring things home from school that 'someone gave' him. He talked just to talk, broke all his belongings, from pencils to handheld electronics. He just flunked 9th grade. When he shoved me a few yrs ago, we got him into counseling. One counselor said he had attachment disorder; the worse case scenario of it would be Ted Bundy. I began researching, reading books (When Love is Not Enough, We Adopted a Dusty Miller) We had psychological testing done......the results were disrupted behavior disorder.....which has some of the same signs of RAD. We are in the process of having psychiatric testing as well. I'd like to recommend a movie.....'We Need to Talk About Kevin' for those that are brave enough. We don't know how dangerous our son will turn out to be, I sleep in a locked bedroom with anything of value locked up as well. Some nights, depending on his mood, I lock up all the knives.
I wish we had known that our son had RAD when we had first adopted him so that he could have gotten the intense therapy he needed. At this age, 15, there is little hope that he can turn around. I had to get counseling before I lost my mind. My husband and I had to go into couples counseling. Because of our son's conniving ways, manipulative ways, sneaky ways, he had my husband convinced it was ME that was creating problems in our home. My husband has recently had a 'lightbulb moment' and realizes I was telling the truth all along. He can't apologize enough for what he's put me through as well. It's been a long, long road and unfortunately we look forward to the day he turns 18.

Lola - posted on 07/31/2012

We finalize our adoption this Friday and my soon to be legal daughter is 5 and has RAD. She has been with us for a year now and we are still seeing the same behaviors as when she first came to live with us. She was severely beaten by her bio mom and was taken away from her at 2 years old. She bounced around with her bio dad from couch to couch but he wouldn't hold down a job for long and he wasn't ready to be a grown up so he left her with a friend one day and called the Office of Children's Services and asked them to go pick her up. She had 2 foster placements and her last one was for almost 2 years.
Her dad's circumstances have somewhat improved now and we allow him to have supervised visits with her once in a great while (because he is too "busy" to have visits any closer together). But after the visits we have HUGE tantrums. She tells us that she wants to live with him and she doesn't care if he hits her. It breaks our hearts. We aren't sure if we should continue the visits but it just seems unfair to deny her (and him) the visits. We truly believe it is important to keep in contact with bio family if they are healthy people. Ugh! Most days my head just hurts when I think of what we have in store for us as she gets older. We take her to counseling every week and we have been doing this since the week we got her. It is a
s l o w process for sure.
The behaviors we see are: being inappropriate with adults (showing her panties or throwing her body all around), tantrums (jumping up and down and screaming), fake emotions (she will be crying and then stop on a dime if you tell her to stop fake crying) lying about even the smallest things, talking to herself, not wanting help with anything (she wants to be in control all the time) and she has a big sass mouth (any opportunity to sass us she takes it). She doesn't do these things all the time (except for the sass mouth) - some days she dances and sings and tells us all how much she loves living with us and how much she loves us. We also have a 1 year old daughter we are in the process of adopting and they have a WONDERFUL bond together. They both just beam when they see each other. It's the bond with us that she has the problem with.
Sunday she told our friend / neighbor that she would rather live with them. She says things like this some times. She will be eating dinner and just say "when do I move to a better family?" or "am I going to go live with another family soon?". It feels like she's kicking me in the heart. But we try very hard to not take it personally. We take adult time outs when we need to. We are lucky enough to have good friends who adopted a child with RAD. They are a huge help to bounce ideas off of. Hopefully you all have someone to lean on.

Mandee - posted on 07/22/2012

I've seen working with a behavior analyst help in some cases. Might be worth asking the therapist their thoughts on. It should not be in place of the attachment therapy, but can help you to formulate an action plan that everyone in the home (mom, dad, grandparents, babysitters, etc.) has to follow when dealing with a particular issue and often helps to reduce the behavior or even extinguish it.

Shawn - posted on 07/19/2012

I feel and hear your hurt. MAYBE he needs to enter a treatment facility for more personalized therapy. I suggest calling a therapist who can help with the decision. My foster daughter is in one now and is getting the help she needs that outpatient could not meet. Prayers for you!

Kelly - posted on 07/19/2012

Hello everyone,

I have an adopted son. He was 5yrs old when when we adopted him and is now 11 years old. He has been through counseling, prescribed medication (nothing worked). He failed 1st grade and then last year failed 4th grade. He refuses to do any classwork at school or homework at home. He simply cries and tells me he hates school hates homework and doesn't want to live because living is too hard. I have been through all kinds of treatment and had a counselor that would come to my home and would also go to visit my son in school during his lunch break. He looked forward to her visits however nothing changed. Everytime we have any type of family outing he will poop or pee himself. He refuses to brush his teeth, wipe properly (so he stinks), shower properly, dress properly or even eat properly. I have 3 other children and my RAD child seems to be stealing my chance at having a somewhat normal (I have a child with fetal alcohol syndrome as well) family life. No matter how calm I am or how mad I get, nothing phases him. He doesn't have one single thing that my husband or myself have ever bought him because he destroys everything (action figures and hand held games are hidden from him until the next time he wants to play with them). He picks the paint off of his wall next to his bed and It looks like buck shot. He doesn't play well with my other children, instead he is better left alone with a hand held game or action figures. He creates problems with everything he does. When he cries? He doesn't cry he whines. He doesn't shead a tear for anything. Last Christmas eve we had a tiny kitten and my Rad son kept pick her up and swinging her around. I told him to put the kitten down several times and then when everyone that was in the room turned their head. We heard an awful cry. It was the kitten. Our son had pulled on her leg and broke it at the hip. $340. later, we decided to keep the kitten because there was nothing that could be done, except to put her down, which wasn't a option in my book. She is still around and gets around pretty darn good. Thank God. Why am I telling perfect stranges all of this? Because, I don't think I can do it any longer. I dread the start of school because I know that with it, brings many parent teacher mettings, continued counseling, suspensions and then the dreaded homework that he will not do. I would categorize my son as an extreme case and I know that none of it is his fault. However, I feel affraid of what he might do once puberty sets in. Nothing has worked. He is worse now that he has aged. I feel totally helpless. My other children don't want to be around him. Especially my son that is in the same grade level. He comes home from school embarrasssed that people know that he is related to my other son. The kids in school make fun of him because he stinks and still doesn't know how to tye his shoes and they have seen him wet himself in school without so much as a care in the world. It's like he's oblivious. I am at the end of my rope and don't know what to do.

Christy - posted on 04/13/2012

We finalized adoption of our 7 yo daughter last June and JUST got a definite diagnosis of RAD and ODD. Starting Occupational therapy in a few weeks...we have to complete the full eval first. Also seeing a pediatric psychiatrist who has a special understanding of RAD due to years of working with these kids. Praying it helps!

Pamela - posted on 04/12/2012

Oh wow, a group of people who might actually understand - I really could cry.

My son (now 8, almost 9) was stolen from my care because an inept social worker thought I was too young. They fully admitted that I never neglected or abused him but still dragged out the custody battle for 4 years, all the while telling him and the foster parents they could adopt. Now he's home but it's nothing like it should be. They destroyed him (in so many ways) and for what, not agreeing with teen pregnancy!

This is my birth son and yet I now have to read books about 'adopting him' and it breaks my heart to no end. I wish there were criminal charges that could be laid against that moronic social worker for what she did - I know all the books say blame is a waste of energy but I can't help it. The system that's supposed to help and protect kids utterly destroyed my son's chance at a normal healthy life. Even if he does make progress and become a contributing member of society he will never be completely healed of the hurts he's suffered at their hands.

We had no real support just attacks from extended family, the school, social workers...I wish I could know for certain it would get better but no matter what we do for our kids (therapy, parenting with love and structure, providing opportunities to regress and act like infants, holding...etc) it's up to them to decide if they will change.

Christy - posted on 04/11/2012

My husband and I finalized adoption of our now 7 year old daughter last June. She fostered with us for 3 years prior to the adoption. While we knew she had some problems, we never really knew what they were exactly. There appears to be a lot we're now finding out that wasn't disclosed to us. (Not that it matters, really....We signed up for the long haul!) We just got a definitive RAD and ODD diagnosis and have started on the path to educating ourselves and getting her some additional help. One thing I have learned is that traditional "punishment" has positively no impact on her. Grounding, removing privileges, etc. won't work for these kids. They fully expect both people AND things to be taken away at some point, so they don't attach. The loss of anything has no meaning because of that. Most also do not have the feelings of empathy or desire to please that other children have, so they don't understand that their behavior has consequences. I try to keep in mind that it is NOT her fault, SHE did not create this situation she is in and most of all, she has no clue that she functions any differently than anyone else. To her, what she feels (or doesn't feel) is "normal." It can be very hard to keep those things in mind when you're faced with misbehavior that go far beyond the realm of anything you probably experienced with your other kids. I no longer look at the long term. It's easier for us to go day by day, sometimes hour by hour and occasionally, minute by minute! This is totally new to me and my family and we are learning every day how to handle things as they pop up. I would love advice from other parents who have raised or are raising a RAD/ODD child because what little I know already blows my mind and makes me feel so overwhelmed at times that I truly don't know how I'll get thru the day. For me, I just tell myself that tomorrow will be better and that this moment isn't going to last when things get bad!

Marlene - posted on 04/03/2012

How are these kids at school, I hear no mention of medications used at all???? These children have so much anxiety, it would help all involved.

Diane - posted on 02/29/2012

Well not sure of the natural consequences except he had to come home to a mother who was not very happy.. He apparently heard the bus driver and his supervisor talking on the bus radio and knew before he got home that I got a call. He came in the door saying "I can explain" and tried to blame everything on the bus driver and how stupid he was for calling his boss. He went on and on, All I could think of was that he just spent the previous 30 mins on the bus ride home worrying about the phone call and what his punishment would be. serves him right, lol. Anyway he never did own up to his behaviors so I went with I think you were talking loudly, and got louder when asked to use an inside voice. when reprimanded you mocked the driver and kept on with what you wanted Didn't give him any chance to deny or express an opinion. I went onto to say I think you are trying to tell me that you don't really care about how your mom and dad would feel about your behaviors or I think you just don't care about me. Boy that got him talking .. Actually admited the behaviors, and came up with alternative behaviors and things he could do to stay busy on the bus so he is not bored or feel the need to irritate the adults on the bus. Don't know if this was the best approach but ended without either of us being angry and not spending too much time on the incident.

Shawn - posted on 02/29/2012

Diane,



I don't know exactly but natural consequences always work best. So, what natural consequences can we think of for this behavior?

Diane - posted on 02/29/2012

HI I am new here but I'm seeking any suggestions. WE have 2 adopted boys 11 and 7. Had them as foster kids first. They have been apart of our family for 6 years. Anyway the 11 year old is reactive attachment disordered and ADHD along with other things. Anyway Adderall seems to help with the ADHD hyperactivity, but nothing is helping with his negative behaviors. He goes to a private therapeutic school. Just got another call from the bus driver's supervisor reporting problems on the school bus. Very loud, refuses to follow directions and rules. Disrespectful to driver and aid and is mocking them We of course have seen the same things at home and its not a new behavior on the bus just increased recently. Anyone have any suggestions what we can try to correct this. We tried talking it out, ignoring the behaviors, punishment grounding to room, no playing outside, extra chores etc. help the sooner the better.

thanks

Shawn - posted on 02/08/2012

I have a 13 yr.old fd that not only has RAD but also PTSD, ADHD and has perpetrated a handicapped man and her sister. All this before we got her in our home. She does go to a therapist specifically trained in RAD but progress is very very slow. She recently began peeing on a rug in her room. She targets younger children when with groups of children with adult eyes on her. We are so concerned that even though she has a safety plan in place at home and school, that she is going to touch a child again. My husband and I are getting very burned out in dealing with her. When she came to us 4 months ago, we had no idea the severity of her problems and are just beginning to see her for who she really is. She will lie about nothing important, she steals small items from others, like lip gloss or pencils/pens, she tries to control our animals so she has no animal privileges which is a good thing now because we have thought she may have touched our small dog. If any one has any thoughts, suggestions, books, etc. that may help us we would appreciate it. Most of all, we need encouragement because we are getting very discouraged. We have raised three wonderful children of our own and all are successful young adults today. We have never known this kind of a youngster. Thank-you!

Brenda - posted on 06/02/2011

No but right now we are in the paper work of getting one. with RAD...I have done a ton of research on it

Cara - posted on 02/13/2011

My DD has severe RAD, PTSD, and ODD. My youngest son has ADHD and RAD. Life is never boring. You must develop thick skin and ignore those who have never raised a child with RAD. Go to attachment.org and print off the section that was written for teachers and/or caregivers of RAD child. Give a copy to anyone your child is with on a regular basis. They need to understand this or will only do more damage. What damage they do YOU will pay for at home via behaviors. Be sure to read everything you can get your hands on. Go to your local library, they can conact other libraries and get these books for you on loan. NEVER, NEVER, NEVER go to a therapist that does not SPECIALIZE in attachment therapy. Many say they are 'experienced' in AD, but this only means they took a seminar, or online reading. Find someone who really knows what they are doing. Attachment therapists are worth their weight in gold.

Raychel - posted on 01/28/2011

fostering.

Nancy - posted on 10/06/2009

The book Adopting the Hurt Child by Keck and Kupecky ( I am not totally sure of the spelling) is very helpful. So is becoming familiar with the basics of attachment theory (Bowlby, Mahler). It can help to see a therapist who specializes in attachment issues and who can guide you on how to work on forming a secure attachment. For my daughter, lots of holding was very important to her. She needed a lot of physical contact, and also a lot of bonding activities and ways to feel special- family scrapbooks and photo albums and journals, special poems and songs just for her, private nicknames, in-jokes, lots of things to emphasize a sense of belonging. In therapy, it is important that the therapist focus on the attachment between parent and child- family therapy is much more important than individual therapy, and in fact individual therapy is not always helpful with these issues because the parent needs to be the primary attachment figure. It also helps to know you are not alone!

Melissa - posted on 10/06/2009

I have a 4 yr old foster son and 6 yr old foster dtr....we are in process of adopting but their therapist have mentioned this RAD but I am unsure eactly what kinda of signs there are with kids with this. can you please tell me what i am looking for? My son doesn't throw fits but has said things about shooting my grandson in the head and tried to poke my cat with a sharp object....while my dtr has thrown enmorous fits...throwing toys at me and screaming ata the top of her lungs. Any help would help....

Beverly - posted on 09/27/2009

Samantha - Don't give up. YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!!!! If the family is not in therapy yet, you must find one that has experience with RAD. Understanding why she does things will make it easier to deal with. Don't feel guilty either...these kids know how to push our buttons, and they know our breaking point before we know it ourselves. And you can stop apologizing to others for her behavior. No amount of explaining will ever show them what you are living with...they can't understand because they haven't lived it. For you and the rest of your family, get a good therapist before it is too late.



There is hope. My adopted daughter has severe RAD and she has Bipolar Disorder, and I have been to hell and back with her. I have dealt with Child Protective Services at my home twice because of her self-inflicted injuries, took her to the doctor when those self-inflicted injuries got infected (she even pulled her thumb nail off once), fought with teachers and principles who didn't understand, called the police on her when the tantrum and physical agression lasted more than 4 hours, and had to put her in the hospital twice. I have also had to hit her to stop her from injuring me. It get's easier, and she can get better.



You are not alone. Feel free to contact me any time.

Beverly - posted on 09/27/2009

Mary - I became the single foster mother of a 7 year old "angel" that I learned very quickly was a wolf in sheep's clothing, and I was not prepared to deal with her. She was an angel around everyone except me. With RAD, all the anger, control, frustration, fear, and testing is focused toward the primary caregiver (usually the mother). I have been to hell and back with my daugher, but it was all worth it. She is almost 10 now (adopted 1 1/2 years ago). She has grown from being developmentally equivallent to an infant, to about 5 now, and I actually can enjoy being her mom finally. We still have a long way to go, but there is hope. Five pieces of advice I wish I had know from the beginning:



1. Don't take it personally! Even when the child yells at you with such venom in their voice, it isn't you that they are angry at, but the one who abandoned them.

2. Change your expectations! Nothing about a child with RAD is normal, and you cannot expect it to be. Parenting that works for other kids, does not work. Teaching, therapy, playing, dressing, feeding...EVERYTHING is different because of RAD. Learn everything you can about RAD so that you can be the parent that your new child needs you to be.

3. Take time out for yourself! You may feel like the child is sucking the life out of you at times. It will feel like no amount of love or attention that you give your child with RAD is enough. Unless you take time out to refill yourself, you will get burned out fast and often.

4. Tell the child constantly "YOU ARE SAFE"! RAD kids don't understand real love, and saying it may trigger outbursts. They need to feel safe more than anything else you can do for them. They are living in a constant state of fear and focusing on survival. Safety is what they need most, not another adult who will disappoint them with love.



My daughter is an extreme case of RAD, and I am very thankful that we had a therapist who specialized in RAD, AND he was a foster parent of 25 years who adopted 7 RAD kids. The last piece of advice is what he told me at our first session...



5. Be prepared to stick! This is the toughest thing you will ever do in your lifetime. But this child needs someone she can learn to trust to meet her needs. Someone who will NEVER give up on her, and will love her unconditionally. If you start down this road, be prepared to see it through.



There are success stories out here, and you can be another! Feel free to contact me.

Mary - posted on 09/05/2009

Quoting Jen:

Reactive Attachment Disorder

Has anyone else adopted a child with Reactive Attachment Disorder?

Hi Jen my husband and I are getting to foster/adopt a little 7yr old that struggles with this..so if you have any advise I would greatly appreciate it..

Karolyn - posted on 08/30/2009

One thing that can help is putting a QTIP in a place where you see it when you are most likely to be angry it stands for Quit Taking It Personally. Also, we had a psychologist tell us for a RAD kiddo the worst punishment you can give them is to send them away from you, since that is what they are seeking. He said instead give them so many minutes that they have to stay next to you, sometimes even holding your hand. This technique works for my almost 18 yr old with RAD. She hates being in the same room with us so when her behaviors become what we have labeled "unsafe" she then must stay in the same room with us.

Debbi - posted on 07/07/2009

Dr. Delaney from foster parent college wrote a book "fostering changes" which we found very helpful. Check out the webpage www.fosterparentcollege.com. Check with your state health and human resources for local support.

Paulette - posted on 07/06/2009

Where would I go to find out more about RAD? My 3yr old shows some signs, but has come a long way since I first had her in foster care and have now adopted. Some days are better than others, but it is draining on a person when you have to scream at them to stop because they are going to get run over, or are endangering themselves.

Debbi - posted on 07/04/2009

Another good resource is www.fosterparentcollege.com. My husband and I have been therapeutic foster parents for many years, and work with at-risk children. We just adopted our 8 year old daughter who came to us when she was only 5, and extremly RAD. All of our birth children are adults, the youngest is 26, so deciding to adopt a young child at our age was not easy, but definetly rewarding. After reading all these posts, I can see my daughter in each and every one, and I can praise God that after 3 years her behaviors have lessened so much, that other people can see the change in her. The most important things to remember in dealing with RAD is: 1) therapy, for both the child and the family, 2) respite for the parents, 3) the anger is almost always directed at the mother, but that is the relationship these children need the most, and of course 4) "don't take it personally".

Martha - posted on 06/26/2009

I would think that if you have a child diagnosed with RAD that you should be seeing a qualified attachment therapist on a regular basis. If your child has attachment issues but not full-blown RAD, then there are lots of things you can/should be doing on your own.

Some great books: Deborah Gray, Attaching in Adoption; Keck & Kupecky, Parenting the Hurt Child; Dan Hughes, Building the Bonds of Attachment: Awakening Love in Deeply Troubled Children.

Good online courses: Adoption Learning Partners: http://www.adoptionlearningpartners.org - Journey of Attachment; Adopting the Older Child.

Meg - posted on 03/30/2009

To Samantha, and anyone else in the throes of RAD - you MUST get help for yourself and your family. Not only are there excellent therapists who can help you manage this in your child, they will also help you navigate your other childrens' feelings, restore your sanity and sense of control, and save your marriage. In addition, if and when the police show up (and they may), you will be able to refer them and other authorities to your family therapist, and nip most investigations in the bud, by proving that you care about your child, and are doing as much as you can. The only reason my daughter wasn't taken away from us by the County Attorney, for truancy from school, is that we already had her in counseling. I can't say it enough . If you don't like your counselor, get a different one. Call help lines, hospitals, police departments, juvenile courts, until you find someone who deals with RAD, and call them as soon as they open for businees tomorrow. There is no better advice than this.
My daughter was so bad at one point that my husband would not leave her alone with me, for fear that she would try to kill me. Counseling saved all of us. You deserve to be as happy as you can, and you must do this, for yourself, and the rest of your family.

Meg - posted on 03/30/2009

My youngest has RAD. She's 19, now, and no longer living at home. She was pretty severe, at her worst, and not much improved now, but at least she has been able to accept that we love her, in the past few years. I'm a little disappointed that we couldn't do enough to help her as much as we wanted to, but she's still far, far better than she used to be, or would have been without us. Hang in there. This is truly selfless parenting.

Samantha - posted on 03/17/2009

Hello,

I have a sd that is in the process of being tested for attachment disorder due to her mothers neglect and drug use. She sounds so much more painful and annoying then some though. She only does it at home with us though never when she goes and visits her mum nor at school. She used to be like that with her mum untill she was taken off her 1 1/2 yrs ago. Now she thinks her mum is the best but i guess why wouldn't you when your mum is fueling you to be like that. She sits there and screams all day long, not just a normal scream but a scream like she is being murdered. I have been to my neighbours a few times appologising because of it but they still look at me like i am a bad person. Even though everyone can see that our 3 other kids are as happy as ever they still judge. I am waiting for the police to show up on my door step. She hurts herself she throws things she steals she lies about everything that comes out of her mouth. If you yell at her she will only scream louder and start saying ow stop hurting me so people think her dad or me are doing something to her. I dont know what to do anymore the kids and us are so depressed and wish she was not here. I admit i have smacked her on the leg 3 times in a row because i was so angry and fed up of her yelling but i could never hurt someone and that is what hurts the most to know everyone thinks i am a child basher i dont even want to walk out side my house now. I cry non stop and i have no energy left.

Samantha - posted on 03/17/2009

Hello,

I have a sd that is in the process of being tested for attachment disorder due to her mothers neglect and drug use. She sounds so much more painful and annoying then some though. She only does it at home with us though never when she goes and visits her mum nor at school. She used to be like that with her mum untill she was taken off her 1 1/2 yrs ago. Now she thinks her mum is the best but i guess why wouldn't you when your mum is fueling you to be like that. She sits there and screams all day long, not just a normal scream but a scream like she is being murdered. I have been to my neighbours a few times appologising because of it but they still look at me like i am a bad person. Even though everyone can see that our 3 other kids are as happy as ever they still judge. I am waiting for the police to show up on my door step. She hurts herself she throws things she steals she lies about everything that comes out of her mouth. If you yell at her she will only scream louder and start saying ow stop hurting me so people think her dad or me are doing something to her. I dont know what to do anymore the kids and us are so depressed and wish she was not here. I admit i have smacked her on the leg 3 times in a row because i was so angry and fed up of her yelling but i could never hurt someone and that is what hurts the most to know everyone thinks i am a child basher i dont even want to walk out side my house now. I cry non stop and i have no energy left.

Samantha - posted on 03/17/2009

Hello,

I have a sd that is in the process of being tested for attachment disorder due to her mothers neglect and drug use. She sounds so much more painful and annoying then some though. She only does it at home with us though never when she goes and visits her mum nor at school. She used to be like that with her mum untill she was taken off her 1 1/2 yrs ago. Now she thinks her mum is the best but i guess why wouldn't you when your mum is fueling you to be like that. She sits there and screams all day long, not just a normal scream but a scream like she is being murdered. I have been to my neighbours a few times appologising because of it but they still look at me like i am a bad person. Even though everyone can see that our 3 other kids are as happy as ever they still judge. I am waiting for the police to show up on my door step. She hurts herself she throws things she steals she lies about everything that comes out of her mouth. If you yell at her she will only scream louder and start saying ow stop hurting me so people think her dad or me are doing something to her. I dont know what to do anymore the kids and us are so depressed and wish she was not here. I admit i have smacked her on the leg 3 times in a row because i was so angry and fed up of her yelling but i could never hurt someone and that is what hurts the most to know everyone thinks i am a child basher i dont even want to walk out side my house now. I cry non stop and i have no energy left.

Samantha - posted on 03/17/2009

Hello,

I have a sd that is in the process of being tested for attachment disorder due to her mothers neglect and drug use. She sounds so much more painful and annoying then some though. She only does it at home with us though never when she goes and visits her mum nor at school. She used to be like that with her mum untill she was taken off her 1 1/2 yrs ago. Now she thinks her mum is the best but i guess why wouldn't you when your mum is fueling you to be like that. She sits there and screams all day long, not just a normal scream but a scream like she is being murdered. I have been to my neighbours a few times appologising because of it but they still look at me like i am a bad person. Even though everyone can see that our 3 other kids are as happy as ever they still judge. I am waiting for the police to show up on my door step. She hurts herself she throws things she steals she lies about everything that comes out of her mouth. If you yell at her she will only scream louder and start saying ow stop hurting me so people think her dad or me are doing something to her. I dont know what to do anymore the kids and us are so depressed and wish she was not here. I admit i have smacked her on the leg 3 times in a row because i was so angry and fed up of her yelling but i could never hurt someone and that is what hurts the most to know everyone thinks i am a child basher i dont even want to walk out side my house now. I cry non stop and i have no energy left.

Jane - posted on 02/22/2009

Wow am so happy to have found this site!!! We are foster parents to a 6 year old boy who came to live with us 2 years ago, he was diagnosed shortly after coming to live with us with severe RAD. About 6 months after he joined our family we adopted a baby girl. He did not cope with this change at all, he would wake in the night screaming, he wouldn't sleep, he would smear faeces, it was hard to be joyous about having a new baby when our little boy found it so hard. He was sent home from his school about once a week for being disruptive, so we have recently put him in a private school and he is doing much better. I have always felt like we were the only ones dealing with a child like this, friend, family do not understand. It makes it hard if we want to go out, because no one will babysit him for us. He lies constantly, even if he has done something great he will lie and say he didn't do it, which is frustrating! He will pick on our daughter constantly, even when he hugs her he will squeeze her or fall on top of her, so our daughter is scared of him. He has so much energy and needs all of our attention all the time, is unable to play by himself, so it is exhausting. He doesn't seem to care about anything, a new toy will be played with then smashed to bits and thrown in the rubbish bin by him with out a thought. Our biggest hope and prayer is that he will improve, all we want is for him to grow and be a good person. We love him, but it is tiring, am glad there are others out there that can share, our friends and family do not understand.