Staying in touch with birth parents

Andrea - posted on 01/23/2009 ( 21 moms have responded )

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We adopted our three daughters(5,4,and 2) from foster care. We have had them since a few days old. We adopted the girls and are still very much in contact with the birthmoms (one is the parent of both the 5 yo and 2 yo). Are there others out there who still are in contact with the birthmoms? We celebrate birthdays and holidays together. I can't imagine not having these two women in our lives. My girls know they were adopted and who is who in the family.

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Paulette - posted on 07/05/2009

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I adopted my great neices after having them in foster care for a year and a half. I keep in contact with the paternal grandparents and aunt, but my own side of the family has given me alot of grief ater the adoption. Bio-dad still thinks they (he and mom) have rights to the kids and they are why I have not continued contact.

Jennifer - posted on 05/11/2009

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I think Andrea is doing a remarkable thing keeping her children's birth family in her children's lives. I applaud her. Two of my children are adopted and we celebrate holidays with their birth family (aunt, uncle, and brother - whom I didn't adopt) and we see them regularly. My children's birth parents were killed in a car accident but we had planned to be as open as we could be.

Stephanie - posted on 04/15/2009

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We adopted both of our boys at birth and were able to take them home from the hospital with us after they were born. We chose to have open adoptions with both birth families but are not bound to it by law in our state. With my oldest son who is almost five, he calls his birth mother by her first name and everyone else in the biological family is referred to with the same title that they would have had ie: grandma, aunt etc. It is working out great! We get along wonderful with his birth family and could not imagine life without them. However with my soon to be nine month old, it is a different story. His birth mother drives us insane and is disrespectful and demanding. We have also caught her in several lies. I finally put my foot down and told her that she needed to back off or she would no longer get any contact with my son.

Sandy - posted on 02/27/2009

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we adopted 3 girls last year ages today 9 yr old twins and 10. We investigated both birth parents and felt it was ok to let birth dad in our lives but not ready for Mom as she still has an addiction. Our girls see their 6 siblings often and feel like we are an extension to their family. I think it is great and can't imagine keeping them from other family when there is no danger to them emotionally. They will be adults someday who will thank us for sharing their lives.

Jane - posted on 02/22/2009

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hi, We have a foster son who does not know his birth mother, she is a drug addict and it is not known where she is, but he does have contact with his birth grandparents, he loves his maternal nana, she is wonderful and we always include her in all special occasions. We also have a 1 year old daughter who we adopted at 12 days old, her birth mother was just 13 when she was pregnant, we are so fortunate that she is a lovely girl from a great family. We see them whenever they want to, usually every 3 months, and they came to our daughters birthday party. This has certainly helped the birthmother to move on, and know that the baby she gave to us is very loved, and we are hoping that our daughter will know how much she was loved by her birthmother, that she was chosen for us.

I do not at all feel threatened by the contact from the birth-familys, my children relate to me as their mother, and their birth families as friends, we all have the common goal that we want the best for our children

Cynthia - posted on 02/16/2009

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Are there other birthmothers in this group? I'm curious about experiences of birthmothers with open adoptions, and if they still have contact (good or bad) with the adoptive parents and/or child. I am now married to the man who fathered a daughter that was adopted through open adoption. He had problems when it came time to give up this child, but because he had given his word, he kept it. We know who the adoptive parents are, where they live, etc., but have very minimal contact (usually a Christmas card). My husband & I would both like to be more involved, but not sure how to approach the issue.

Vanessa - posted on 02/15/2009

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Quoting Brenda:

that is all wonderful, My son never knew his birthparents, he is not even know his birth name, his birth mom never realy bonded with him but he does not know any of that. We do not have any information about his birth father, not even a name, We have not told him yet that he has a 1/2 borther and 1/2 sister. Only he is a only child and has always wanted for sibling, he 1/2 siblings were not avaible for placement when got our son. this is the only reason why we have not given him all the fact just yet. we have always been very open with him that he is adopted we are only now beginning to go though some new stuff with him asking quetions, I told him when he is abit older we will try to find and and he can ask her all his questions then. I suggested he get a notebook and starte writing things down that are on his mind but he is still thinking that one over


i just wanted to give u the name of a very good book;;;;



 



20 things i wish my adoped parents knew.   God bless

Vanessa - posted on 02/15/2009

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you r very blessed as r your children...our birth parents just don't have the time :(

Mary - posted on 02/13/2009

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We adopted our son at 2 days old (picked him up from the hospital), he is now 2 yrs old. The birthparents decided not to meet us at/after his birth, and did not want ongoing contact at that time. However, we "left the door open" with the social worker, telling her that if the birthmom wanted confirmation of how he was doing any time later we would be happy to correspond. This past Christmas we got an email from the social worker saying that the birthmom had called her, and asked to correspond with us via email. I was scared at first, but the correspondence was so positive that my fears were immediately put to rest and the letters she sent us I think will be especially valuable to my son as he grows up and tries to better understand his adoption. I am so grateful for the gift she has given us, and was proud to show her how well he is doing. She seemed relieved, and also grateful that we were the parents she wanted for him. I don't know how much contact there will be in the future, but I think it will be kind of "as needed" for all of us.

Brenda - posted on 01/30/2009

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our son's birthmother never bonded with him, he pretty much tried to abort the pregenecy in her last month. she at 4months old my son had phonia and scabes. that is when he was removed from the home thanks to a babysister that happen to come by and check on things. we have not told our son the bad details of his birth mom because I really dont think he would recover from it right now. our son came to us when he was 2 and is now 9 he knows alot just not everthing right now. he says he wants to meet her and I have told him that when he is at least 16 and if he stills feel the same wasy we will do what we can to find her.

Jennifer - posted on 01/26/2009

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We have adopted 3 girls and do not have any contact with their birth families, not by our choice though. One birth mom moved out of state before they even terminated rights and we never heard from her again, the other birth mom passed away.

We are waiting to adopt 3 more girls and are trying to work out a plan for contact with their birth mother but have not been getting much of a response from her so I guess we will just wait and see what happens.

Loretta - posted on 01/26/2009

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We have 4 foster children. 2 we are getting ready to adopt. We still have contact with there biological mom, sometimes. Both boys are too young to understand I'm not there mother. (2 & 3)

Andrea - posted on 01/24/2009

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When we adopted our girls, we were given a huge packet about their birthparents lives. Everything from full birth, prenantal records, the moms pysch results. It was mandated by law we had everything, The birthmoms name were suppose to be blackened but since we knew the names the agency did a poor job. My girls know what drugs and alcohol are. (yes they are toddlers) we have talked about bad things in the world that effect your brain.  With all three girls being more drug exposed we have to educate them that they can't even think about experienmenting with drugs when they are older, the risks are too big. My husband and I are not big drinkers but when I have a glass of wine, they know that some people drink it and get super sick . we told the girls that they have something in their bodies that would make them super sick (they were born with it) if they drank or did drugs. 

Brenda - posted on 01/24/2009

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that is all wonderful, My son never knew his birthparents, he is not even know his birth name, his birth mom never realy bonded with him but he does not know any of that. We do not have any information about his birth father, not even a name, We have not told him yet that he has a 1/2 borther and 1/2 sister. Only he is a only child and has always wanted for sibling, he 1/2 siblings were not avaible for placement when got our son. this is the only reason why we have not given him all the fact just yet. we have always been very open with him that he is adopted we are only now beginning to go though some new stuff with him asking quetions, I told him when he is abit older we will try to find and and he can ask her all his questions then. I suggested he get a notebook and starte writing things down that are on his mind but he is still thinking that one over

Natalie - posted on 01/24/2009

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Brenda, our children do know that their relatives are their birthfather's family.  We see them at least 2 times a year (they live 6 1/2 hours away) and we talk to them on the phone, email, and write letters.  Our 7 year old really feels a strong connection with her auntie Marcie and uncle Jason.  She lived with them from 9 months old to 1 1/2 years old.  You wouldn't think she would remember that time (and I am sure she doesn't), but the connection is very strong with them.  I have also shared the 2 pictures I have of their birthparents- the pictures are about 9 years old, but they are all I have been able to get.  When my daughter was about 5, she asked who her birthparents were.  I gave her their names.  About 6 months later, she asked what they looked like so I showed her (and the other kids) pictures of their birthparents.  My hardest thing is deciding when they are old enough to discuss why they do not live with their birth parents.  My kids don't even know what drugs are yet.  When they ask why they do not live with their birthparents, I just tell them, "they did things that were not safe for kids but they love you very much." 

Brenda - posted on 01/24/2009

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Andrea I did somewhat tell him the truth, I have told him that it was a time in her life that she just could not have him live with her, and that she should her love by giving him life. And that only she could answer the other question about what was going on in her life at that time

Julia - posted on 01/24/2009

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You are so fortunate to have a positive experience with your children's birthmom's.

Andrea - posted on 01/24/2009

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Each girl has "their story" about when the agency called us, we told the girls that their other mommies loved them so much but could not take care of them. The girls understand that I could not grow a baby in my tummy but could take care of a child so it works out that some people cant take care of children but can have them. the birthmoms and I have a very FIRM agreement: 1. not high or using when seeing the girls 2. respect for each other 3. losing out on visitation will hurt the girls the most. We have never had a problem. The birthmoms know that most adopted children do not have a relationship with their child afterwards, and they are always trying to introduce me to"friends" that are pregnant and might lose their child. I guess we are truly blessed. Jolie (birthmom of two) should be the poster women who give up their child. She has come to peace with it, and advocates foster adoption. She made up sweatshirts that say "adoption Rocks - Always wanted, Always loved" if you think about it, it applys to us both.  



Brenda-why not tell him the truth? She could not take care of him. 



The birthmoms have both told the girls they made bad choices and still sometimes make bad choices and are not always safe to take care of kids. Danielle(other birthmom) tell the girls that she dreamt that her daughter would live in a big house with a pink room with a mom and dad with a big backyard, she could not provide that, but her daughter has that and more and that make Danielle happy.

Natalie - posted on 01/23/2009

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We adopted 5 children.   Our oldest son's birthmother was deported, but our younger 4 (same bio mom and dad) still get together with everyone on their birth father's side.  Unfortunately, their parents are in and out of jail constantly and do not stay off drugs long enough for a "safe" relationship with us.  It is wonderful and a great support system to still have contact with their biological aunts/uncles/cousins/and grandparents , especially since they children are of a different culture than we are.  I really wish their birth parents were more stable so we could include them also.  We do hope for this for their future.

Brenda - posted on 01/23/2009

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how did you explain to your children who their moms are, my son has been with us since he was 2 now 9r old, we have always been open with him and he knows he is adopted . Lately he is asking more questions about his birth mom. he wants to know why she did not want him , when the truth is he was taken away from her due to declate. Which is pretty much the only he does not know about his adoption, He was with foster family from 4 months until2yrs then came to us. we used to have alot of contact with his foster family but he has kind of outgrown them now. Sorry to be so long winded would love to chat online sometime take care

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