Waiting for baby/ toddler

Rebecca - posted on 11/14/2008 ( 11 moms have responded )

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My husband and I are one home study away from being fully licenced as foster to adopt parents. The exictement is building as is the many questions from family and friends. How do you best answer all of the hypothetical questions that come accross as so invasive and rude?

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Tara - posted on 11/13/2009

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Hi Rebecca,

It might help if we had some examples of the rude questions you've been getting.

I adopted my son through foster care six years ago when he was 2-1/2 years old. People STILL ask me if his mother was on drugs (how is that any of YOUR business?) or why he was "given up." While I seethe inside, I usually just say, "That is part of my son's history, not mine. I don't feel that it's appropriate for ME to share HIS history" and leave it at that. The rude questioner is usually contrite after that. I mean, really.

At the risk of being incredibly tacky, the thing I always WANT to respond with is this: "What position were you in when you conceived your children?" (I've never actually done this; I've just WANTED to.)

Yeah, I know. Gross, tacky, and rude. But so are any questions about my son's history. I just don't see how that is anyone else's business.

Aloha,
Tara

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Teri - posted on 11/08/2009

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Quoting Denise:

Guard your heart. While a very excellent program for the children in care, ie staying with only one foster family until ready to be adopted, there is the risk of them being returned to birthfamily at any stage. I have three children, all placed through the foster to adopt program. Our two older girls are now adopted. Our son who was placed with us at 4 days old is now being returned to birth family, he's almost 18 months old, because "they are no longer homeless". Not what we signed up for at all. Just guard your heart, and God bless.



I totally agree with Guarding your heart!! We have waited for a placement in our foster home for over a year, got a placement of 2 girls! They ahve been with us for 4 months, Now mom wants a friend to get liscensed and nwo they are going to be pulled from us and live in another foster home!!! It is sooo upsetting for this to happen!!! Why can't the judge see that this won't work! Remember it is the best interest of the children right???? Where is our system going?????

Diane - posted on 10/15/2009

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Good case worker is the key. We have had a good caseworker and have gotten 3 children through her. The first didn't take long they were 5 and 17m and we had them adopted in 9m the second time we had a homestudy done it took over a year and the social worker was in and out of her job because of medical reasons and the week she got back to full time we had our 3day old baby and he was adopted in 8m social worker on your side is the key to success.

Linda - posted on 10/14/2009

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Most foster children that are available for adoption are over the age of 8 or 9. So if that is what you want, be prepared. Children who have been in/out of the system have issues. But, if you start with fostering an infant you have to guard your heart, because they may go "home." We received our foster-to-adopt license in March 08, our first placement in April 08, and since have had 10 kiddos in our home! We started out doing PPC (Police Protective Custody) until we got the lil guy we have now. He has been in our hearts and our home since he was 8 weeks old, he's now 14 months old. His bio mom is a drug user, in/out of jail, continually tests postive and hasn't seen him in over 8 months. His bio dad has had his play dates, but has proven he cannot properly care for a child. I hope you have a GOOD case worker, because that's what it takes! The case manager for our lil guy has documented EVERYTHING and so have I.

Good luck and God Bless you in your journey!

Hailey - posted on 12/09/2008

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A word of warning......I'm not sure how you plan to go about it however, my husband and I are going through the process for the first time also. We have been going through the process AFTER the homestudy since April. We are wanting ONLY to adopt a child that is ready to be placed with a "forever family".....It takes a whille unless, your willing to take the risk.... I don't think my heart could handle it. Denise- Your Amazing that would BREAK my heart....

Colleen - posted on 12/08/2008

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Congrats on becoming a foster/adopt home! We are "seasoned" parents with 9 kids and 9 grandkids. Some bio, some adopted, some we are guardians for. We no longer foster but I try to recruit when ever I can. These forums are good. One lesson is:

don't rely on information from social workers only. If you really want to know something...speak to other foster parents. They will give it to you straight.

Annette - posted on 11/18/2008

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Very well stated Denise...We have to remember that we're intially a place for the kids to be until their family gets "better" as I put it.

Denise - posted on 11/18/2008

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Guard your heart. While a very excellent program for the children in care, ie staying with only one foster family until ready to be adopted, there is the risk of them being returned to birthfamily at any stage. I have three children, all placed through the foster to adopt program. Our two older girls are now adopted. Our son who was placed with us at 4 days old is now being returned to birth family, he's almost 18 months old, because "they are no longer homeless". Not what we signed up for at all. Just guard your heart, and God bless.

Rebecca - posted on 11/17/2008

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Thanks for the replies! Annette, we do have the sex and age in mind but not a particular child. We just decided this weekend that we're only going to take children who are available to adopt this first time around and then once we feel more comfortable as "foster parents" we'll be more open to all children who need a loving home- temperary or not. Yes, we are in the US. Teresa, thank you for your suggestions and thank you for your well wishes!

Teresa - posted on 11/17/2008

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We received a LOT of rude questions. At the stage you're in - since the kids aren't with you (you're not having to answer in front of them) I would say to treat it like you're talking to someone who is just completely uneducated about they system, foster care, and the adoption process. That's what I did. It helped me to not become defensive - and really, that's what it is. People don't know how to ask questions without being offensive - and they don't know what's appropriate and not appropriate. Don't feel bad about letting people know if the question they asked is "kinda personal" or even if you haven't completely though that through, yet - or even just laugh it off and don't give an answer at all - that works, too! When the kids come along, and the questions keep coming - that's when it gets tough. Better to educate those around you now - so you don't have to do it in front of the kids later. Congratulations on your quest to adopt!

Annette - posted on 11/17/2008

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Congratulations!!!Ha..Yes and they are rude sometimes.. Do you have a child in mind or are you going to Foster first and if a child comes available you'll adopt? Are you in the U.S.??

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