Would you have been offended? What would your reaction be?

Tara - posted on 03/29/2009 ( 11 moms have responded )

57

13

I adopted my son when he was 2-1/2 years old. He's 8 now. It's just the two of us now that my husband and I have divorced, and my son and I talk openly about adoption and his first mother, etc. There are no secrets...about adoption, anyway! ;) Adoption language is part of his everyday vocabulary.

A few days ago my son and I were at his day camp waiting for his performance to start. There was a Caucasian woman there with two little African-American girls on her lap. She said hi to my son and they talked for a moment. Apparently there had been an earlier conversation (the woman told me about it) and it went something like this:
Sean: Are they yours?
Woman: Yes.
Sean: Is their dad brown?
Woman: No. They're adopted. They're from Africa.

My son is very interested in younger children, particularly babies, and approaches people with children all the time. So it wasn't odd that he started a conversation with this woman; it was just kind of strange how it evolved. I apologized to the woman and told her that I hoped she wasn't offended and she said, "Oh, no! Of course not. He's very friendly." That eased my mind a bit, but I was hoping she wasn't just being kind and really meant what she said. My son is of mixed race but looks more Caucasian than anything else. We live in Hawaii where most of his classmates have darker skin than he does and he has never really made much of it, so I was surprised that he realized the differences between this woman and her children so easily. (I guess that's naive of me.)

Anyway, if my son had approached YOU in this way, what would your reactions be?

Thanks!

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms

11 Comments

View replies by

Katie De - posted on 04/05/2013

7

1

Great post, and I read through all of the comments, looks like not many people would have been offended by what your son said. I have a biracial biological son and an adopted transracial (African American) son, and I would not have been offended by what your son said either. I think that having our kids learn to be comfortable with differences really stems from how comfortable we are about it; we model the behavior and they follow it. If we freak out because somebody says the word "brown" then they will think there is something wrong talking about it. I took my son to a doctors appointment (just me and him) and the doctor who we were meeting for the first time was African American. My 6 yr old walked in and said, "You look just like my daddy!" The doctor looked at me and said, "Hmmmm...." I am Caucasian and my husband is Filipino, so after the appointment I asked my son causally why he said that. He said, "Because he was all brown like daddy!" Young kids are curious and see common ground every where. I have a bunch of posts about this on my blog, www.thelifeyouhaveimagined.

Tovah - posted on 03/27/2013

8

0

I don't mind at all when KIDS ask things, and they're usually a lot quicker to figure it out. They also generally read our family as a child and parents, since it should be pretty obvious by the interactions. Adults, however, often don't, and will ask us if our child is lost, if we're the babysitter, why that child is calling is you "mama," etc.

Barbara - posted on 09/25/2011

0

0

What a curious and intelligent child! (That would be my reaction)

Laurel - posted on 09/01/2009

2

3

I'm glad when people ask me about my children because it gives me a chance to tell people about foster/adoption. I think most people are just interested and don't want to be offensive.

Dana - posted on 08/14/2009

2

30

I have 2 foster children that call me mommy and they are African - American and I am fair with red hair. My birth children are similar in color to your son. I am not offended at all when people come up and ask me about them. It bothers me more when people question my birth children!

Debbi - posted on 07/06/2009

154

17

Not at all. My daughter proudly tells everyone she meets that she is "special" because she's adopted, and for a while she just assumed most of the other kids she met were also.

Tammy - posted on 05/19/2009

3

7

I also would not be offended,they are just curious,and there questions are asked in innocents.I have a 3 year old blond hair daughter of mine own a 20month old half African-American foster child plus a 7 month old native foster child,when asked about them,i will tell children AND some adult that God made us all difference,just like he made difference fruit ,the world would be a boring place with just apples

Mary - posted on 05/18/2009

3

9

My son (to be adopted this summer) is seven. He has been with us for 4 months. He once asked me why some girls were staring at him. I told him it was because he is so handsome. In Northern New Jersey, our mixed race family with two moms rarely draws a reaction. I would not be offended if anyone, especially a child, were to ask questions.

Mary

Candace - posted on 04/27/2009

9

119

It would not have bothered me in any way shape or form. His age is what makes him so curious. It makes me smile when kids are brave enough to ask a tough question. He was 100% innocent in asking his question. I too am a foster mom and have had many kids that weren't our race. It makes me so mad when we go to Walmart and I get the bug eyed question "are they ALL yours?" I just smile politely and say yes and leave them hanging with a million question marks buzzing around in their heads. :)

Ashley - posted on 04/22/2009

7

4

I total agree with Ginger. I am a foster mom who is in the process of adopting our foster son who is african american. Most people are really friendly, but then you get the people that give you those questioning looks, especially if the see our whole family out together. We have had our son since he was two days old and he's only nine months, but I am curious to how he will react when he does notice the differences.

Ginger - posted on 03/30/2009

6

0

I would not have been offended. I would be glad he asked! I have friends who are Caucasian but whose foster children are African American. When we are out and about with them, you can see people have questions in their eyes but they don't say anything. I think they would love to answer the questions if they were asked. I think the woman was being honest with you.