Relative Placement

Nancy - posted on 01/17/2009 ( 17 moms have responded )

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Is there anyone on here whose foster children are actually in relative placement?

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ReneeP - posted on 08/10/2013

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To Ashley: I know this post is old and you may not see this, but was wondering what happened with the new baby? My story is very similar to yours.

My sister-in-law (and my brother) are both douches and had their 9-year-old daughter taken away (drugs, pills, filthy home, domestic violence...the usual). They knew CPS was coming for her so they got my SIL's sister to rush her to my house (an hour and a half away from them). CPS did an emergency home study at my house that evening and my niece remained with me.

My niece had serious issues in the beginning. She had a lot of signs that resembled Asperger's (if she got a drop of water on her shirt, she "had" to change it right away, she refused to wear socks because they felt funny on her feet, no jeans of any kind, all shirts and pants had to be soft, only ate Chef Boyardee and other garbage foods, etc., she had an imaginary friend that she talked to while she was here; although I put a halt to that, and just a bunch of other really odd things she would do).

In the first 10 months I had her, I put a stop to her crazy behavior...well, most of it anyway. She was aggressive toward my, then, 1.5-year-old, so I had to let her know quick that she was NEVER to be aggressive toward him or she would be out the door! However, she had other issues, too, that would take forever to explain. At first, I thought maybe she did have some kind of autism, but the more I disciplined her (very consistently), the more I saw that she responded to the discipline. In 10 months, she changed DRASRTICALLY. However, she still had "outbursts" of anger and would be aggressive toward not only my little one, but my son who is her age (they are the same age, born two weeks apart). I was about to give birth to my fifth son, and due to her aggression toward my other young son, my husband wanted her gone.

So, we called CPS and told them she had to go. They took her and placed her in a wonderful home. When I left the home, my niece said, "bye, aunt C, I'm in paradise!" I was so happy that she was not only so happy about the placement, but closer to her parents, she would be going back to her old school, see her parents more often, and that she would be going home in just three months when her parents were "supposed" to be done with their case plans. I had no idea those scums wouldn't finish and would fail some drug tests!! So disgusting!

Anyway, I later found out that only four days afterward, she was removed from "paradise," and no one could tell me why. I had a suspicion that she did something crazy and freaked the foster mom out so they sent her to another home. They ended up sending her 40 miles from her parents in an ALL African-American home, as well as school and daycare. Those kids tortured her, calling her horrible racial names (as well as curse words). They put her on medication, and she only saw the supposed "therapeutic" foster parents an hour a day, as she was either at school or daycare; and as soon as she walked in the door of the home, they gave her melatonin and put her to bed an hour later!! With all that she was going through with everyone being so mean to her (including another little girl who lived in the home who purposely picked on her just to get her riled up to see her act crazy), she tried to run away many times!!!!! I was so shocked because although I knew she had issues, she had never tried to run away. She was also suspended from school for coming at her teacher with scissors, and a lot of other weird stuff that she never did here. When she left here, her teacher, caseworker, and GAL were all so happy with how good she was doing. I had no idea she was going to be shipped away to a culture that was extremely foreign to her, and that everyone in her life was going to treat her so badly. I think the medication (that she never needed here) was a factor).

At any rate, after 6 or 7 months of that, I requested to have her placed here again. My husband was totally against it, but I just felt so bad for her and begged him to let her come back. We got her back in June and she did okay at first, but I could tell she had changed and I was going to have to start at square 1 again.

Well, she had a huge meltdown one day about having to do her chores...everything escalated and then snowballed out of control to the point that she "ran away from me!" I live in a gated community and was so embarrassed when the people who run this place brought her back to me. I had to quickly explain things and hope they did not call the cops. If they had, she would have been removed or Baker Acted (her foster family had her Baker acted when she was there...it was horrible for her as they locked her in a room). At any rate, after that incident, I decided I no longer wish to adopt her. It's going on two years and her idiot parents are FINALLY completing there case plans, so I'm praying she will go home soon.

HOWEVER, her mother ended up pregnant!!! Can ya believe that? She is due any day now and here is my dilemma. I would love to take the new baby (the mother has already "hinted" to me that there may be "something" in her system that may cause the new baby to be taken away). Like I said, I do not want to adopt my now soon-to-be 11-year-old niece. She is way too much stress and work, taking my time and attention off of my own children who need me.

Also, during that meltdown mentioned above, she did scratch and hit at me when I was trying to redirect her to her room. You have no idea how badly I wanted to put her over my knee! My sons aren't perfect, but they have NEVER, EVER even considered trying to hit at me! EVER! I will not tolerate that, and therefore, I have decided to let my older niece go back to foster care if her parents' rights are terminated. I refuse to have her continually disrupting my children's lives. The son that is her age got so upset over her meltdown that he actually vomited! My children are not accustomed to drama such as that.

It's sad because she can be so good for a week at a time and then bam! She'll have a meltdown over something as stupid as a video game that she and my son are playing and she's not winning! She gets so upset about it that she screams, yells, throws her head around, snot flying, jumping up and down, hitting walls, etc. I cannot allow my 3-year-old to be subjected to her behavior any longer. No way!! He's already shown a few signs of acting like her...and I'm already having to lay down the law for him. I will not have him acting like that. These are his most impressionable years!

Anyway, I know it sounds mean that I'm letting her go again, but it is what it is. And if anyone wants to judge me, they better be prepared to take my niece for a few months before running their mouths. That's that!

As for the baby, I'm hoping that since I already have the baby's older sister and our home and family are all approved, would I be able to take the baby home from the hospital? Since my baby is only 11 months now, I still have all of his baby stuff (the baby is a girl, but I will just have to use what I have until I can afford baby girl stuff, and I do not plan to buy any baby girl stuff until I am sure I will get the baby girl).

I am now fearing that they will do like they did you, Ashley, and take the newborn to a foster family instead of giving her to me straight away. I think the bonding in the very beginning is very, very important. I plan to "try" and breast feed her (I still breast feed my little man and pump in between for the new baby, just in case), and I also plan to be there for the birth and will go back on day 3 when they typically release the mother and infant in hopes that they will give the baby to me. I will certainly have my car seat ready.

Does anyone know if I can get the baby right away after reading the above?

Lisa - posted on 08/13/2009

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I train foster families who are in relative placement situations and going through licensing. I have two points of advice for you that I give my families:
1. Do NOT let birth parents (or other relatives) take advantage of you as a relative. You are now a representative of the state's system not by your doing. Your role as a relative is now secondary to your primary role as a foster care giver. Let them know that you are following the guidelines that social services has given to you, and you need to follow them in order to provide a RELATIVE home to these children.
2. It may be difficult to work with social services, but find your allies and pick and choose your battles wisely. There are many things that foster parents can do to better the relationship with workers. Voluntarily communicate with the worker (I find email the best) what is going on-both the ups and downs, leaving detailed messages will expedite their responses to you, do the things that you can do and do whatever you can do to help expedite getting the services you need. There's a lot of resources, but if you wait for the worker, you'll be waiting longer.

Other suggestions: find a support group with veteran foster parents that can help you navigate the system, go to court hearings, use the internet to learn about federal and state guidelines (if you have time), and keep working with the system (you may be tagged as "uncooperative" if you don't and lose a lot more), and remember to take care of "YOU" too.

Good luck!

Kristi - posted on 06/24/2009

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Yes!!! I know you posted this a while back...but my husband and I are fostering our niece. Relative Placement...can you say, "please manipulate us?" We've been thru alot with the birth mom. Since we are relatives she really thought she could manipulate and that she was "different" because she was a relative. We put an end to that after about the second month!! It's June and we still have our niece.

Kristi

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17 Comments

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Kisha - posted on 07/17/2013

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if a parent whose child is put in relative placement does all the things she is asked and more how long til she has her baby back?????

Sarah - posted on 01/17/2010

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I have been given provisional placement at the moment of my cousin little girl (8 months) while children services are deciding whether or not to grant me kinship carer... which will no doubt be approved.. just the fun of children services :) ..

Sarah - posted on 01/17/2010

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I'm new here and I'm so glad I saw this post. My two nephews (9 and 3) are staying with me. Unlike ya'll, I don't have legal guardianship of the boys. Their parents just brought them over to stay while they work out their issues. The older one was having issues at school- behavior, homework, classwork, etc but since he's been staying with me, his teacher is all praises about much his behavior and work has improved.

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I'm new to "Circle of Mom's" glad to read all of your responses. I currently have my 3rd cousins in my home. They are twin two year old boys. I'd agree that the most difficult part of the whole situation is dealing with the family. They tend to try and take advantage of the situation and from time to time seem to expect me to "break rules." But you can't "have your cake and eat it too" Life has consequences! My Focus is the children, they are the victims in the situation and they deserve a chance at life...without the drama!

Kathrin - posted on 07/31/2009

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Give her lots of love and keep her close as often as possible. Babies are kind of like baby animals relying on smell. It may sound wierd but put something in her crib like your pillow case off your pillow that smells like you. It works, she'll recognize your smell as being HER grown up. Let your 4 yr old know that she is his, too. That way she's not taking you away from him, he's getting her and it gives her onership too. Good Luck!

Ashley - posted on 07/31/2009

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my sister has 3 babies, 2 boys (4,2) and now a daughter(1 month) as we speak my nephews are in the process of being adopted by one of her old close friends. Reason being she did not comply with anything the division asked of her, resulting in termination of her rights. My neice was born june 11th and was taken june 15th, because of my sisters track record, and mental instability. The day they took her, i spoke with the officers and the lady in charge of dyfs, i told them i wanted to be the first recourse for placement, its now a month later and they finaly called me to do a home assessment, so they can place her here. In this time, my sister has shown no change in her behavior, and is still running around doing the same things that got her trouble. Im very nervous that once i have the baby she will be even more relaxed(like she was with my nephews) and ill end up adopting the baby. Which i have no problem with, my problem is havin her think she can be here everyday. I have a 4yr old son and i dont want him to be that affected by this...what do i have to look forward to with social services and the stress with my sister? Aslo im nervous that since the baby has been with this foster mom for a month and a half that she will not take to me, im so confused on what i should do...pls help

Kathrin - posted on 07/05/2009

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My husband's niece just gave us her 3 (3, 6, 7). they have been with us 1 month. The agreement is for a year. TELL ME ABOUT DRAMA. 1.5 years ago we called cps, they took them for 8 months and gave them back at the begin of the school year ('08-'09). No one in my husband's family would talk to us. 2 weeks before school got out she asked us to take them for the summer ........ other drama including her leaving the state..... we agreed. she came back and we told her sign for 1 year or else. Now the family is being nice because they are so screwed up no one else wants them. any tid bits of advice would be welcome .... legal or otherwise .... we are scared what will happen in a year and feeling lost a little. PS, our only who is 16 is tolorating as best he can with all the new noise ;)

Tiffaney - posted on 05/29/2009

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I am 24 and have my 16 year old nephew and his brother at 14 years of age!! both boys are just awesome as long as their mother is not around!! the 16 year old told his parents he wanted nothing to do with them and came to live with me. the 14 year old I took him from his mother and went to the courts and got custody of him and his sister that has sense gone back. CPS didn't get to involved as the kids called me when some things were not right and I called the cops and took the kids that day. So i had to get it all done myself. If some thing like this was to happen again I would do it the same way. Dealing with CPS is not always the easiest. I am lucky when it comes to family because they are all extremely supportive of my choice to take the kids. they would have all done it them self's if they were in a position to do so!! Either way I love the boys just as much as my own two children!! good luck to all with your own situations!!! Tiffaney West

Rhonda - posted on 05/23/2009

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I adopted my niece and nephew. It was a very rough road while we were waiting to adopt them, b/c of family drama. I can totally relate. But now that we have adopted them both, we're trying to establish our own family way.

Amy - posted on 02/19/2009

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My niece (now 8) and nephew (now 6) were placed with us in April of 2007. It's been almost two years now and we are still waiting for a date for the termination hearing. It's very hard dealing with my family. They have been more frustrating than the system or the kids. The process is slow when there isn't sufficient staff for the amount of kids in care. There are state laws that state how long the children should be in state care before they terminate the birth parent's parental rights. Unfortunately our social workers are overworked so the deadlines come and go easily. If you need to chat then I'm willing. It's a tough process when it's relatives and the support is crucial. Blessings, Amy Jean from WA

Nancy - posted on 02/17/2009

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I have custody of my great neice (age 1) and nephew (3).  I have had them since Dec. 2007.  It has been a rough road to travel.  The children are a breeze to take care of, but dealing with my family has been more than difficult.  Working with social services has been hard, as well.  I love the children, and I would love to adopt them because I know the parents have no plans to change.  The problem has been that the process is going so slow.  I would love to find others to compare my situation with and to get some advice possibly. 

Rosemary - posted on 02/04/2009

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yes I have ?! It was a blast to know that my niece was with me and she was taken care of and i knew where she was ! We did end up giving her up DRAMA!! Family drama that is! It was a blessing while we had her. It was hard to give her up. She is I believe getting adopted to a really niece family! That is so HARD!! U go for it and hang in there if it gets hard I wish we would have not given up in the hard times But its all in Gods timing. Bless u Rose from TX

Ashley - posted on 01/29/2009

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In August of 2007, we recieved a 5 month old.  She was very unhealthy and we got her back up to speed.  On February 1st 2008, we had to turn her over to her cousin who is now about to officially adopt her.  It is very hard, but we see her very happy and established with them as a daughter.  Why, what is your situation?

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