Guilt

Kathy - posted on 10/25/2009 ( 2 moms have responded )

I am 54 and my husband is 60. We are the parents of 3 kids (son,36; daughter, 28; daughter,25) My son had a daughter with a young girl in 1998. They could not adequately take care of her so they moved in with us. Son and N broke up. Son left (he would not follow rules). N stayed with us for several years. One night she disappeared with J. She went to FL where her family is from. Met a guy had another daughter. Broke up with him and N moved back in with J & K. Two years ago N moved out with K and live close by. I still babysit for K and love her like my own. J is 11 1/2 now and has lots of friends in the neighborhood, does excellent in school and attends dance twice a week. I would literally die if she left.

In the mean time son has had twin boys in 2002, then had another boy 13 months later. They could not support them so they moved into my mother's house (she lives with her friend). They were on welfare and my son was diagnosed with degenerative disc disease and bi-polar disorder. They went to Vegas and married. Much to our dismay they had a daughter in 2007 (they hid the pregnancy till she was 7 months along).

New Years day we received a phone call that they had been arrested for growing marijuana in the house, possession, child abuse (drugs in the house). We took the kids for the month of Jan. I drove the boys back and forth to school (100 miles and 3 hours)every day. We bailed them out and got a lawyer for them (over $14,000). They only receive $700 disability and food stamps. We have been giving them around $800 per month, so the bills are paid, gas for the car, etc.

Last week the court case was finally finished. DIL received 3 years probation (she spend 30 days in rehab for Vicodin addiction). Son received 4 years suspended sentence and 3 years probation. Less than 12 hours after leaving court I received a call from DIL they were pulled over and in the process of being arrested and could I come get the kids. She was arrested for an outstanding warrant, for driving with expired tags and not paying the fines. He was arrested for possession, driving under the influence, and with a suspended license. Also both were charged with child endangerment. There car was also seized.

I now have all the kids again and CPS is involved. After talking to each child they requested that they remain in my care. We did not bail them out, friends and her family did. CPS has requested we all meet tomorrow to discuss placement of children. I have faith that they will not be going back to parents at this time.

I drove the boys to and from school last week, but can not continue this for any length of time. Now they both love the kids dearly and dad may be able to take care of them alone, but without a car and no drivers license taking them to school is impossible. Mom on the other hand can't cope with them (depression and lack of skills). The problem is that I have been raising kids for 36 years. My husband has had heart problems for several years and does not have the patience that he use to have. --Side note my son is from a previous marriage, husband adopted him formally 4 years ago.-- We both feel we don't have the energy to continue to raise 5 kids. I would suck it up and do it but M doesn't want to take this on for long term. I could not live with myself if they went into foster care. So what do I do choose my 29 year marriage and lose the kids or chose the kids over the love of my life? I feel that if it was our daughter's 17 month old daughter (his biological grandchild) then he won't feel the same way. I see his point but I love these children and want the best and we all know foster care sucks. I am totally torn in half. I just want to go to my "happy place" and not come back. I have friends and family all giving me different answers and am not sure what to do.

I mostly wrote this to get it out, but would appreciate and advice or feedback!

...Kathy