The Feeling After Death

Carol - posted on 10/31/2009 ( 2 moms have responded )

My dad had already been gone for a number of years and then it was my mother's time. I was in my 40's. I took care of both of them at home until their deaths. I remember knowing that it was my mother's last day, I was washing the dishes when I realized that I hadn't check on her for a bit. Her breathing was shallow and she needed much more morphine that day. I took her hand and told her that we had made all the arrangements, I was sorry for not checking on her a bit earlier, I loved her, and told her that she could "go" whenever she wanted == and then, she took her last breath. Oh God, the feeling that I wish I could take back what I said, because she'd still be with me, but knowing too, that it was the best thing for her. Of course, the busy time following her death doesn't really allow you to sit and contemplate what just happened. It's when the quiet hits that you realize the magnitude of it all. The next week, I remember getting up and watching the morning news and there was an author being interviewed and the name of the book was something along the lines of I'm an Adult Orphan. That's when it hit me -- and when I heard that I knew that's exactly what I was feeling. Even in adulthood, we still know that our parents are,. well, still our parents and we are their children. It was the most empty feeling I've ever had and it lasted for a long time. I cried every single day for a couple of years, and even more so during the holidays and anniversaries. I still think of both of my parents daily. The daily crying has stopped, but the loss never leaves you. I have my own family, my own problems and I can't just pick up the phone and talk to them, or visit them in the same way. The old addage that time will cure your wounds -- is true in a sense. The more time that goes by, you feel a little different, but I will never, ever forget them. I would take care of them again, in the same way. I just hope that when my time comes, that someone will care enough about me to do the same.