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Lizzette - posted on 09/02/2010 ( no moms have responded yet )

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Austen is my angel...(or according to the Catholic religion- a "saint". He is in heaven- no matter what religion (I think). I'm not a huge bible reader anymore, and I just believe he is still around. Somewhere..somehow. How can this life, just be it? I refuse to believe it. Anyhow, When I was 5 months pregnant, Jeff and I, and Hailey went up to Kansas City to get some fun ultra sound pictures done...come to find out, the tech said she thought something was "wrong"...that she thought he had "holoprosencephaly"...I was like"what???" She said "don't panic." and she looked it up in the book. She felt strongly that this is what he had- where half of his brain was missing, and the rest of his skull was full of fluid. She immediately faxed her ultra sound results to my Dr., who transfered me to a specialist in Columbia Missouri (an hour and a half from our home). The entire ride form the Kansas City clinic, was silent. I and Jeff only thought about our baby...and worried if he'd be okay! I called my mom as soon as I got home to tell her the bad news...after reading up on it, I was sure he was going to be very sick. I never thought he'd die though. I couldn't let my heart believe that. As a mother, that never crossed my mind. I knew he'd have problems, and that was fine. I would take care of him, no matter what needed to be done! Sadly that wasn't the case at all...after many check ups, the Dr informed my husband and I that he had a chromosome deletion. His 13th chromosome was missing half or more of it's genetic information...which is critical part of developement. They said he would most certainly die. I cried and cried and cried. I had a huge lump in my throat all the way home...and could barely speak. There were nights I stayed up and cried all night. Jeff would stay up with me, despite having to work in the morning. I needed his support, and he gave it to me. Luckily I tried to stay optimistic besides what the drs said. They don't know everything! They are only humans right? So my 38 week check up came, and my mom came to visit a week early b/c I was having back contractions...and she swore I was in early labor. I couldn't sleep, and was in a lot of pain. We got to the hospital..my water hadn't broken yet, but they found something else wrong with him now- a new developement. Fluid around his lungs, which would prevent him from being able to breathe when he was born. His lungs would not be able to expand. They gave me two options: 1. let them drain the fluid, w/out giving him pain meds b/c they didn't have enough time to do so, but most likely the fluid would come back anyway, or 2: let him die. We chose to not let him suffer. So after he was born, they cleaned him up, and gave him to be buddled in a blanket, and a little hat, as if they would any other baby. I staired at him and just cried. I kissed him a million times...Jeff let me have as much time with him as possible. Austen tried to breathe...I heard a little noise come from his little mouth. I freaked, and called the dr into the room...that little breath gave me some kind of hope, that he could be saved...but by that point they had already given him medication to make him "go more comfortably" and there was nothing they could do now. So I hed him, and just staired at him, hoping for a miracle, but knowing I wouldn't get one. Blurry eyed turned into hysterics when the nurse came in about an hour later to check his pulse. The look on her face said it all...must have been hard for her to tell me "he's gone"...I can't tell you how much I cried at that moment. Everyone left the room...except Jeff...and he finally got to hold our baby. He cried and was at lost for words. I just looked at them, as Jeff sobbed. We kept him with us in the hospital for 3 days. He was changing quickly...death is an ugly thing to watch...but it was my baby, and if the drs wouldn't have let me keep him, I would have had thrown a fit! They would not have heard the end of it. They gave us a keepsake book, about how to grieve, and what it was like. I still sometimes read Hailey the book called "we were going to have a baby, but got an angel instead"...she likes being reminded of Austen..and i'm glad. He is a huge part of our lives. We all miss him..it's kind of sad that Landen will never get to know him, or that we never will. All I know is, I love that boy, and he was only in my life 38 weeks! I miss him so much, and I can only hope I will get to see him again. That would be great! If anyone else has delt with a death of a child, I am here to talk to. So please feel free to contact me.
Lizzette Longo

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