cutting out family

[deleted account] ( 23 moms have responded )

An acquaintance of mine recently posted a rant in her facebook status about how her in-laws were on her case about breastfeeding her 11 month old and how she didn't want to attend holiday gatherings because of it. This is not a breastfeeding debate (sigh of relief). Some of the responders suggested cutting family out, because of the parenting differences. This seems extreme to me.

What do you think? Have you ever cut anyone out of your life due to parenting differences? If not, and you have had run-ins with family over parenting differences, how do you handle it?

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Sherri - posted on 11/12/2011

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NEVER have I ever cut family out of my life and never would they are immensely too important to me and my kids. I have had several parenting differences and discussions but never would I just walked away because I disagreed. Simply I always listen and then do what is best for my family.

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Carol - posted on 11/28/2011

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This is ironic. My husband hates the idea that i want to BF my daughtertill shes two so he asked his mom dearest when she thought i should stop. She said 18 months. However, her own daughter is planing to do it much longer than I am, well into the time the child is three years old, and her other daughter has a 3 month old and an 18 months old both of which she still BF. However, since its her own children thats fine, yet I should take the 18 month optional, which i told my husband later' its my choice to stop when i want to. If i want to do it till shes 3 i will. I dont need to be told when to wean my own child, shes not ready and i dont like you using your parents agasint me. They don't know everything." He was not happy about that, he still complains, but i just tell him that with his job hes not even home so leave it alone.

Krista - posted on 11/20/2011

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Things would have to be REALLY bad for me to cut out family -- basically, there would have to be a serious betrayal going on there for me to consider it.

I HAVE, however, in recent years, put a bit of distance between myself and certain family members, due to being utterly exhausted by the perpetual drama that they generate. I still talk to them -- just not as often. And I don't get involved in their drama anymore. And if a fight starts between those particular family members, I leave. I don't want my son exposed to crying, screaming, cursing, door-slamming, wine-soaked shitstorms on Christmas Day, thank you very much.

Kari - posted on 11/20/2011

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I've had quite a bit of run ins with my family and in laws over my parenting skills. My inlaws dont think its ok to spank. I do. My mother in law literally tried to kill me bc of it. So she is now gone away.. but my family starts bs over me getting all 3 of my kids a dog. (one dog each) I think its fair. My family blew up about it, so we havent spoken in about 6 months. I have cut alot of family out of my and my kids life, there is no use in the kids being dragged into a bunch of drama..

Leeann - posted on 11/15/2011

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I have a few run-ins with the in-laws and my own family. I calmly listen to what the have to say and if they have merit I listen to them. If not I smile and nod and bitch at my husband when I alone. Its my kids and everyone is going to have their own opinion, you gotta do what you feel is right.

September - posted on 11/14/2011

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I have not and would not cut family out over parenting difference. Either you agree with me or you don't and if you don't well I don't really give a damn cause it's my child. Luckily my family is super supportive and I have yet to be told how to raise my child unless of course I’ve asked for advice. However if and when I have a run in I will politely address the matter and move on. In your friends case I would have no shame in breastfeeding my child whenever and however long I wanted! It's unfortunate she's not able to stand up and take pride in her choices.

Brittany - posted on 11/14/2011

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Sounds to me like she needs to tell her in-laws to get over it. This is her child, not theirs and unless they are paying the bills they should stay out of it.

I do not always choose the right words when it comes to speaking to my Husbands mother so I tell him and show him what the issue is and he deals with it. I do not have issues with his Dad or Step-Mom. His Mother and I, we do EVER see eye to eye, she does not speak to our kids often, never sends b-day / holiday cards, and is off her rocker.

April - posted on 11/13/2011

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If I cut out family because they were anti-breastfeeding to natural duration, anti-bedsharing, or anti any other parenting philosophy--then I'd have no family left.

Katherine - posted on 11/13/2011

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I think it all depends on the issues at hand. My family is wonderful and never pushes anything, if they try I stand up for what I/we are doing and then think back and are impressed, we are the parents, they are the grandparents and they back off.

However my husbands father and step mother are a different story. They have been almost cut out, becuase of the way they have been acting. They are getting jealous about us spending time with my MIL and SFIL. And they went so far as to writting degrading things on my fb that all of my friends can so. So we've kind of let things go with them, when they are ready to act like the grown ups we'll be here. We've called, we've written, we've stopped in, but yet they can't return any calls, they never stop in, nothing!!! So we wait, it's sad that my son has to miss out on seeing his grandfather and grandmother but they need to learn that there is other family out there other then them

Becky - posted on 11/13/2011

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This was all a foreign concept to me until I meet my man's family . . . his dad is wonderful, and always there for us and no matter what, just all over a great man I have tremendous respect for.
His parents slip when he was little and his father raised him & his sister. His relationship with his mom is spuratic, she seems to make an effort to have a relationship only when it suits her needs or appearances. There will be periods of times, years even when the 2 will not speak at all. The man is partially to blame on this one too. They get in any sort of disagreement and he simply chooses not to talk to her. On the flip side, in the 3 years we've been living only miles from her, she has never visited our home. She unfriended me from facebook because I got into a disagreement with the man's sister. I think she's called us maybe once in the last 6 months.

Let's put it this way, I won't cut her out of our lives (she's all excited for baby in January), but I certainly won't make any effort to reach out to her. Just seems to me that the appearance of being a good mom is more important to her than actually putting in the time to foster a decent relationship. I don't think she's once invited us for dinner, and we've never done any holiday's or special occasions with her.

The man's family dynamics are so different than my own families! We have huge holiday gatherings, all are welcome no matter what. No one every get's "cut out" of the family, ignored or unloved! We have our differences, and family drama, it can't be avoided when your mother has 12 siblings and 5 step siblings, and your dad has 4 brothers! I can't even count my cousins anymore & their spouses and children. I just find it funny that with the sheer number of my family, compared to his, my family is by far much closer and much less catty & dramatic!

[deleted account]

I have cut family members out of my life, but it was an extreme situation. I have a right to not interact with people who are toxic to me, even if they are family. However, a simple disagreement over breastfeeding doesn't should like a reason to cut someone out -- that seems extreme to me.

Stifler's - posted on 11/12/2011

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I haven't "cut" family out I just avoid them unless they call me I make no effort to catch up with certain people in Damian's family.

Sarah - posted on 11/12/2011

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It would have to be pretty extreme for me to cut out family members......it's certainly not something I would do over a disagreement.

Celeste - posted on 11/12/2011

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Sort of.. But, it wasn't a quick decision. I tried and tried to resolve things. They are just too set in their ways.

My aunts (my dad's sisters) and I were really close until I had my kids. I let it go with my daughter, even with their criticisms of my parenting, despite my daughter being special needs (because of course, it's my fault) But one incident really bothered me and now I won't go to their house.

My twin boys were about 3 years old. We were at Thanksgiving dinner. One of my boys stuck his finger in the cake. I was right there and before I could say anything, my aunt stepped in. Then my son said something ugly and again, before I could discipline him, she threatened to slap him in the face. I drew the line there. I just feel that my kids can't meet their standards, so I just don't go.

However, they've stopped inviting me to family functions. I find out about them through facebook.

So, yeah, I guess I've cut them out (or they've cut me out) because of parenting differences.

Stifler's - posted on 11/12/2011

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I would avoid people if they were always on my case about breastfeeding, on principle.

[deleted account]

No way would i do that.That's the beauty of family of life really.We are all so different not just as parents.

We should never expect anyone to be like us.

Its selfish.If they were abusing there kids, so serious things i would report and still not cut them out but offer my help.Give time and space in that situation also.



If it was extremely bad i would think about what was best for me& my kids and sometimes its wise and safe to stay apart.B/f is surely not one of them to cause such a drastic step like this.



If they spanked there kids in front of me and it became uncomfortable i would say something also.Why speak about it behind there back, i would step up and confront the issue like adults.Appropriately of course if children are present.

Corinne - posted on 11/12/2011

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I think cutting family out over a disagreement is a little extreme, but it would definately happen if they were making life a living hell. I cut my Dad out of my life pretty much when Mum kicked him out, as he was an abusive asshole who used us as punch bags when he felt the need. I also rarely speak to my Nan (dads mum), she once shut the door on my Mum asking for help when my Dad had broken her nose for her. We've also cut Hubby's mum and stepdad off(and possibly his gran) due to the nasty personal attacks on me because I won't do things their way.

Janice - posted on 11/12/2011

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I think if the situation was really severe enough, then yes I would stop visiting family or friends. However, it would need to be pretty big. I know my family thinks its strange that I breastfed past a year but they dont comment enough that I wont see them. However, if I was being attacked at every family gathering then that wouldn't be okay. I would not be seeing my family much.

Back before my hubby and I were married we partied a lot and a guy we were friends with became serious (they eventually got married) with a girl with 2 children. On Saturday nights they would have parties and people were drinking and smoking pot and the 3&8 year old would be running around! We just couldn't be part of that so we unofficially ended the friendship by just not associating with them anymore. That was over 6 years ago. Obviously an extreme case.

[deleted account]

My best friend was basically cut off from our lives for 6 months because her son was out of control and they wouldn't do anything about it.



I certainly wouldn't cut anyone out of my life for them disagreeing w/ me on breastfeeding... since I nursed my son for 3.25 years and only 2 women (who also breastfed their sons til 2-3 years) understood. ;) Of course, the disagreers weren't TOO vocal cuz they realized I was gonna do whatever I was gonna do regardless of how they felt about it.



For other differences (like if someone else thought they could physcially discipline my kids).... I'd certainly cut people out of my life. It depends on the reasons and the severity though.



I did cut my mom out of my life cuz she married a convicted child molestor..... That was before I had kids though and she divorced him before (or around the same time as) my girls were born. She found out she had twin granddaughters when they were 3 months old..

~♥Little Miss - posted on 11/12/2011

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I definitely believe there are some instances that may call for cutting family ties, but differences on how long to BF for? Not so much. There are more important things to get your panties in a twitch about.

Kate CP - posted on 11/11/2011

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I'm on the brink of cutting family out but I'm not entirely sure WHY. Things just don't seem to be going well with this one side of my family at the moment. :/

Medic - posted on 11/11/2011

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My family does not always agree with my choices with my kids (they are WAY more conservative than myself and my hubby). They are the type that feel that children should be seen and not heard, when I say jump you say how high types. Thankfully my dad raised me the same way we are raising our kids so we will always have him. To everyone else I just tell them I don't care if you agree, I refuse to rationalize or explain my choices and if they don't like it then they do not have to see us. Sadly there are some in my family we just don't see, I have recently decided to take a new stance on things. I REFUSE to go somewhere to be stressed out and have my kids be stressed out just to make family happy, pb&j's and my sofa are so much more welcoming.

Jeannette - posted on 11/11/2011

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Good question! I have had to put family on hold while things cooled off, but it was because of their behavior.
I would have a hard time cutting out my family merely over differences, but if someone was constantly having an argument/debate about what I am doing with my child, that could get frustrating.
Fortunately, we have been blessed in that whatever differences we have had with our families, we have been able to talk it out or accept that we cannot change each other. I believe it is important for children to be as close to their heritage as possible, when possible. I understand that is not always the case though; nor can it be the case with some families.

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