depression/anxiety poll, NOT a debate.

Tara - posted on 01/24/2011 ( 12 moms have responded )

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After reading though the post about lying, I notice quite a few moms who feel they must lie about their depression or anxiety issues. Myself being one of them.



I would like to offer a thread where those suffering from mental health issues may say so, we don't know each other in real life, and often it is easier to vent or admit fear to strangers than it is to our loved ones.

I rarely tell anyone when I am struggling a lot, even though I know Steve is there for me, I also don't want to worry him.



So.... I was sexually abused and emotionally manipulated as a child, I never forgot this abuse

and it took me almost 30 years to tell anyone, and now I am embroiled in an ongoing court case and almost wish I had never called the police. I have to re-live this stuff every day of my life and some days it is so heavy, some mornings the nightmares were so bad that I feel defeated and hopeless that I will ever go through day in my life where this doesn't come into my thoughts.



So there you have me....

Only honest, only non-judgmental posting allowed on this thread. Or I will delete it myself. (if I can even do that!!!)



This is a way for all of us to feel some connection when we're down. Depression is such a lonely illness sometimes.



Tara

12 Comments

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Caitlin - posted on 01/24/2011

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Oh boy.. I don't really have any long term effects from mine I guess except horribly low self esteem and occasional depression and a deep mistrust for strangers and mental health professionals.. so i guess yes, that coudl be considered long term.

I was teased in elementary schoo, starting in grade 3ish when kids noticed by eczema on my legs and it only got worse from there. I was labeled skin disease and nobody would associate with me at all in school. My mom was an alcoholic and would beat my sister and I, but still denies any wrongdoing to this day (i'll never forget the day she lifted me up by my hair and grabbed me by the neck to throw me on my bed- either she doesn't remember EVER doing anything like that or she's in denial - I vote denial). I was enevr smart enough for her, if I got a 80%, it was why didn't I get an 85% etc.. so I stopped trying in school, I didn't see the point. She threw my sister out of the house when she was 15 (I was 13) and after that I grew more and more depressed as the pressure got worse (and the abuse). I attempted suicide 3 times.. Twice in her custody, then I was removed from her care, once afterwards. After the third time there was pressure to "label" me with something so they said I was schozophrenic and put me on STRONG meds. I lost about 9 months of my life until I stopped taking them, they really messed me up. From when I was 16-18 I bounced around between my mom house, my dads house and group homes, even juvie for a bit. My mother used my (and my sisters) educational savings that was started by her and my dad a long time before to buy herself a brand new car, and said that if I wasn't going to study what she wanted me to study, that there was no point.

So that's my story. I had a hard time with depression after my second child was born, I had feelings of inadequacy fot the longest time, and it really helps that my husband is there to help me out emotionally. I don't know where i'd be without him. I'd love to get back to some martial arts of some kind, because it really balanced me out before I had my first daughter (not to mention made me feel really sexy because I lost a lot of weight).

Tara - posted on 01/24/2011

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Thanks Jackie, I know that, I meant "there you have me.... my mental health issues anyways.."
Some days my abuse defines me and sometimes I define me.
But I try hard to separate who I was as a sexualized and abused child and who I am as an adult survivor of that, sometimes the line is clear,sometimes it wavers and I have trouble coping with the emotions that arise when I think too much about how much was taken from me, so many things I didn't even know I had.

Jackie - posted on 01/24/2011

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"So there you have me...."

@ Tara - I want you to know that this is what stood out to me in your post. What happened to you and what you are going through now as a result does not make that YOU. It's something that happened to you that you are getting through. It's a struggle but you're getting through it in one piece. It doesn't make it YOU.

Joanna - posted on 01/24/2011

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Thanks for sharing ladies. It's nice to have a place totalk about it.

When I was 13 I was teased mercilessly in school, of course I did look like a 10 year old boy. I became depressed and turn to self harm and self mutilation, which eventually led to a suicide attempt and hospitalization when I was 15. I went to therapy and was put onmedication, which helped. Then when I gave my daughter up for adoption when I was 17, I not only suffered from post partum depression, but also the feelings associated with "losing" a child. It got better, but I still have my demons. I also had severe PPD when I had my daughter 3 years ago. Went on Paxil which was amazing!

Now onto the anxiety... I suffer from anxiety and used to have panic attacks regularly, up until about 2005. I also have extreme social anxiety. I want to talk to people, I just... can't. That's what used to cause most of my panic attacks. Now I hide behind my kids, which isn't good, but if I'm talking about them, at least I'm talking, right?

[deleted account]

I get depressed so to speak occasionally but I don't consider it a mental illness. It is just the blues and frumps every now and then. Everyone gets them. However, I will admit to having mild anxiety attacks when people I don't really trust take my kids. Especially since they admit they can't handle more than 2 at a time and yet take more than 2.
with that said I don't take medications for any of this and I handle everything rather well. Yes I have had abuse in various forms as a child and as an adult. I handle those fine as well and don't need medication for things that happen to me in the past either. Not attacking or witching. just stating things about me IMO

~♥Little Miss - posted on 01/24/2011

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Shauna, I wonder if there would be a good outlet for your anxiety like Karate, or tai kwon do? Something that helps with physical and emotional balance? Just a thought.

Kati, the more I get to know you, the more I think we would be good friends in real life.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 01/24/2011

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Tara, i really pray that you find peace soon, and your abuser is brought to justice. I am so sorry for your memories. You have suffered enough, you don't need it to haunt you more. I think you are amazing, all of your childre, home schooling, you seem like a very dedicated parent. Many people would first of all, not have been, nor would they be confronting their demons. Kudos to you.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 01/24/2011

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*my abusive sister actually spent a night in jail for almost killing me. she was 17, I was 13....as soon as she graduated school...infact the next day my mother kicked her out of the house. I would push my dresser in front of my door so I could sleep.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 01/24/2011

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I have a very odd past. My mother was physically and emotionally abused by my bio dad. My oldest sister saw most of it (she has a diff father) and my other sister who is 4 years older than me, got the grunt of my mothers frusteration. I was in turn abused by my sister that is 4 years older than me. To the point where I would not feel safe. For instance, we had the slat board beds, she would force me under the bed and jump on it until it would colaps on me. The abuse got worse the older she got. My mom had to work 3 jobs (owning and running a Ballet school, Ballet store, and other retail positions) jsut to keep a roof over our heads...so I was home ALOT with her. I still feel like I have post tramadic syndrome.

I took alot of abuse in highschool alos...you can read about a little of it in the other thread *what were you in highschool* I had no self esteem whatsoever...so that made me more of a bad ass...I would rather have stuck out like a sore thumb than anything.

I definately suffer depression of some sort, but I don't think it is bad enough, or regularly accuring enough to seek meds. I am sure I could benefit from therapy...but couldn't everyone?

Rosie - posted on 01/24/2011

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well, my depression started with bullying in middle school, and once boys were on my radar it got worse. with acne i figured noone would want me.i'd cut myself, and burn myself. i figured nothing could hurt as much as i was already hurting.



my bio-dad abused my mother, sister and i, and then left, and didn't look back. i had, and still do have major daddy issues. i need a guys attention, and if i don't get it, i'll MAKE them by doing whatever slutty thing i could. my husband has taught me that i don't need to be that way for someone to love me, but it's still there i think. if we ever break up, i can almost guarantee i'd go bonkers and start doing my damndest to get mens attention.

i still have times of great self doubt, and was medicated for PPD after my last child. i went off of it a few years ago and have been doing pretty good. i still feel sometimes like i may need it, but i get myself through it. hopefully it stays that way. :)

Tara - posted on 01/24/2011

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Hey Shauna,
Find another doctor and go in. You have a right to live life without all of this fear and anxiety. If medication worked in the past, it could work again.
Does your hubby know how ADD works? Do you talk to your hubby about your feelings of wanting to pick fights etc.?
I feel for you, my current partner is great with my depression etc. but my ex was not. He couldn't understand why I couldn't just let the past lie and be happy with my life now.
I'm glad you posted Shauna, you have my support and thoughts, if you're having a bad day, feel free to post here or msg me, we're all in this together so to speak.
((((Hugs))))) consider yourself hugged.

Shauna - posted on 01/24/2011

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How awful Tara- im so sorry you have to feel that way, i hope you find peace and justice in the end of this ordeal.

I have have cronic anxiety, Adult ADD, and have struggled with deppresion.
It kind of goes hand and hand if you have one mental illness its usually followed by depression. Sometimes i feel really stupid and just want to cry, and my fam member will say your just using ADD as an excuss, when infact i really am a very smart girl, and i loose my train of thought mid sentence lots of time.
Im struggling to graduate college when i barely made it through highschool. Its frustrating when my husband doesnt understand that i literaly cannot think when there is a ounce of noise around me.
I have such bad anxiety i start sweating just simply going to talk to my parents, or other really simple tasks. I was awarded the chance to join a honer society at school b/c of my academic performance. I never went and never joined b/c the thought of standing in front of everyone scares me beyond belief. I never went to my highschool graduation ceromony either b/c i was too scared. I never had my senior pics in the yearbook b/c i didnt know where the office to turn pics in was located and was too frightened to ask. Up untill a few yrs ago i couldnt even pick up the phone book and call a local buis. B/C im so scared!!!!
I fall into depression alot, when i tell anyone they dont understand so i just keep it to myself.
B/C of the mixture of anxiety/ADD/Depression. Me and my husband often fight ALOT... and i can feel myself picking fights with him and know im wrong but cant stop.. Im afriad its going to end in divorce b/c i cant get my head to think clearly.
Several times i have wanted to get medication, * i was medicated in my late teens early 20's and it did wonders*
However the thought of talking to a dr about this scares me, b/c in the past i had a dr that blew me off like its no big deal and made me feel beyond embarassed.
--- so i feel for anyone going through any of these things.

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