should a mother make her children her main concern in life?

Azza - posted on 05/01/2011 ( 24 moms have responded )

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In other words is it right to make your children, especially after they grow up and be on their own, is it right to connect your life ,your concerns to them to the degree that you don't any happiness away from them?

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Stifler's - posted on 05/01/2011

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I had a life before the kids came along, and I'll have one long after they've left home.

Amanda - posted on 05/01/2011

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Its never healthy to be co-dependant on anyone, eps your grown children.

Tara - posted on 05/02/2011

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No that would be considered to be unhealthy and bordering on a mental health issue.

Becky - posted on 05/01/2011

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Your children should be a priority, but they should not be your whole life. You still need to maintain your own interests and relationships. If your happiness is only wrapped up in your children, what happens to you if one of them disappoints you?
Mel, your MIL and SIL's relationship is seriously disturbing! Ick!

Jocelyn - posted on 05/01/2011

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Fuck no. It's great to love our kids and all, but we NEED a life too. My main concern in life is ME. If I am miserable and depressed, that directly affects my ability to be a good mother.

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Charlie - posted on 05/05/2011

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That question really doesnt apply to anything anyone has said or the OP Jessie .

Having a baby is wonderful , they are a love magnified and our responsability to raise to be strong , independant , empathetic human beings , we are their protectors , teachers and nurturers ......while they do bring happiness they shouldnt be your only source of happiness which is what the OP was asking .

"is it right to connect your life ,your concerns to them to the degree that you don't any happiness away from them? "

If you cannot find happiness in yourself and only find happiness through others than your not really happy .

OhJessie - posted on 05/05/2011

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So then why have a baby at all? You bet yerass they ought to be your main concern!

Charlie - posted on 05/04/2011

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That is unhealthy and obsessive to be dependent on anyone for your happiness is not healthy .

[deleted account]

My children are my world. Making sure they grow up happy and healthy is my main concern. When they grow up they will have their own lives and where I hope I can be a part of it still I don't/haven't lost who I am or my own interests. I have happiness away from my kids but it is still doing things where my kids can come with me if they aren't with their friends or extended family. I think people should make their children their main priority until their kids are grown and moved out. Then it is up to their kids to make their own way and it is up to the parents to not be overbearing to the kids that are now adult. IMO

Etheena - posted on 05/04/2011

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No, I don't think a mother should. You have to still maintain your own unique individualism as a person. As my grandmom said to me after I had my kids, "remember, you are your own person first, a daughter, sister, wife, mother and friend second."

Desiree - posted on 05/04/2011

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I live in that situation every day. My mother never provided for the future, and now I have to take financial responisiblity for her. But it isn't just that she never made friends for life and so now I have to take her everywhere with me and she does just about everything I do. I went away with my husband and children for 4 day guess what it is 2 weeks later and she isn't speaking to me because I left her behind. No its not right to build your life around your children to the degree that when they are married and have kids of thier own they are stuck with the responisbility of you. I know what it feels like I could never do that to my daughter or should I say I at least will try never for that to happen.

[deleted account]

Now there my main concern obviously lol.As they grow up and take flight into the World by themselves, its time for me to step back.My children will always know were mom is.If the need me i am always there.Its there time to grow now and there time to make a life for themselves.

Cyndel - posted on 05/02/2011

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No...they you are putting pressure on them to keep you happy and making their life more difficult then it already is. Putting the burden of your happiness on their performance, on their life choices, on how they choose to live. Not fair to yourself, not fair to your kids.
What if, God forbid, your child dies? Then if your life is your child then your life dies with that child, there is nothing worth living for. Though while young your life's focus should raising your children to go out into the world a pleasant, hard working, productive member of society, doing what is necessary to achieve that. But your life shouldn't revolve around your children or when they are grown and leave you are desolate and hovering and more likely to drive them completely away, or if the worst happens and they die you have nothing left to live for.
Jesus and Jesus alone is who my life circles around, he is perfect, eternal, omnipotent (all powerful), omniscient (all knowing), omnipresent (everywhere in time and space). Who better to circle my life around then some one who is all knowing, all powerful, all perfect, can never die, will never leave me.

April - posted on 05/01/2011

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Nope, not at all. I love my kids, but i know it would be better for me and them if i had my own life also.

JuLeah - posted on 05/01/2011

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A person is not a good mother if they do this. What example do they set? The pressure on the kid is unreal. A mother should model how to live a full and happy life.

Corrie - posted on 05/01/2011

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We have this debate in our family. Mostly about the financial veiw.
My sons paternal grandparents have the veiw of "We didn;t get any help, we wont give it to you, you'll become stronger for doing things for yourself and being independant."
This is all well and good to a certain degree.... I mean, asking for a five for a packet of cigarettes at any age should have an instant NO as a response. Not having a job, trying to get a job or being in education and expecting hand outs for take-out and cinema trips should be a NO.
You should stuggle occasionally and it DOES make you a better person because you appreciate what you have when you have it and appreciate working for your money.
However, when you have a problem like a rent payment being late because the house has been repossessed and you had to put the last of your money into petrol for the car to get to work, and you ask for a small borrow for a week and they say NO..... I consider that to be mean.
haha... it seems strange, but it makes sense to me.
My family, are different. I've lived away from home since i was 17 and always had a job/been in education/ worked and paid my own bills. My mother never did anything when we were young, it was all about her, to the point where we had holes in our shoes and stains on our uniforms and she was away on holiday at the weekend.
NOW she offers and pays for everything she can. Almost as if to make up for it..... Buying back the affection?? Or just helping out because we're somtimes in a vulnerable position?
As far as i'm concerned, there has to be a happy medium when it comes to look after your children, financially, emotionally, morally... If they NEED you, help them, if they will learn a good lesson from NOT having help, don't help. ITs about choices and decisions. And none of us can say we haven't made a bad decision at least once. I imagine we all will again. Being a parent is one of the hardest thing's we will ever do, and basing a lot of our knowledge on our parents Parenting (Either trying to be like them or the complete polar opposite) will always contribute to our guidlines.
Will being involved in our childrens lives help them? Will it help us? Will it make us happy?
My brother is never around. When he is, he wants something, money, lodgings, food.... I'm around all the time and i DON'T want anything, though sometimes i need it, and i get a lot. Partially because i don't ask and partially because i'm not in a position to help myself a lot.
I hope to always be involved in my childrens lives, to the point where they need me. I never want to be oppresive or over involved.
I hate the term "tied to his mothers apron strings"
I want my sons to be independant and comfortable and happy and to be able to come tome when they want, to have me as a part of their lives, but not the MOST important part, especially not when they have children of their own/

User - posted on 05/01/2011

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One of your main roles as parents is to teach our children to be independent, confident people by the time they reach adulthood. If we spend our lives running around after them, they will never learn the life skills necessary to succeed.

Mel - posted on 05/01/2011

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ok my post is totally irrelevant I get what you said now I reread it. Ignore me :)

Jenn - posted on 05/01/2011

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I try to make sure that I don't get lost somewhere in the shuffle of wifedom and motherhood. I remember my Mum not having her own life or interests and she didn't make herself a priority - and even as kids my sister and I would tell her to do something nice for herself - which she didn't. I don't want to be that way. I love my Mum, but being the martyr never helps anyone in the long-run. I do think that your children should be a big part of you life, but not the only part of your life.

OhJessie - posted on 05/01/2011

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If you figure it out let me know. I have 20+ year olds and yeah, they apparently take up my life. Newborns are a CINCH - 20 year olds, not so much.

OhJessie - posted on 05/01/2011

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If you figure it out let me know. I have 20+ year olds and yeah, they apparently take up my life. Newborns are a CINCH - 20 year olds, not so much.

Mel - posted on 05/01/2011

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no. I dont know if I fully understand your post but I will say my sister in law has been raised with only her mother as her friend her whole life and she is 25 and has no friends and has never had a friend and the only person she talks to is me, no boyfriend nothing, EVER period. This is the result of a mother, who kept her kids at her home until they were in school, never sent them daycare, playgroups, kindy nothing til they were 5 and STILL bring her daughter home on lunch breaks and makes her lunch takes her to work and brings her home when its only a 20 minute walk and her daughter has no need for a licence, wont do anything with me or my girls if its during the time of her daughters lunch break because her daughter might get bored on her lunch break, her daughter does not pay rent or bills or food, her daughter has never done dishes or any kind of housework in her life, or ever had to make a meal, her plate is brought to her and collected off her, if she is hungry anytime or if she is runing late making the food , her daughter says to her "you do realise I have to be at work at this time and Ive not had lunch?" And they spend all their time together. I dont personally think this is love I think its cruel because it does take away your childs happiness and ability to socialise and make friends or to have a life of her own. I personally would make my child start housework from an early age, make her pay rent as a teen, make her have a job, finish school, most importantly learn to be independant. I dont believe having a sick obssession with doing everything for your kid and with your kid is healthy for them or you. I often get the comments from my MIL " my son wouldn't have left home if it wanst for you being pregnant be greatful we didnt want him to leave home". Anyway thats my 2 cents

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