The hardest choice of my life

LeeAnna - posted on 07/23/2009

my jill is now 9 we have an open adoption i thought at the time of placement that my being able to see her would be best for both of us however over the years her adoptive mothers has become more and more insecure and has started to phase me out by shorting visits or cutting them out all together i no longer get pictures,letters or phone calls, something she promised i would always have....i now have a 6 month old daughter that i desperately want to know her sister but because of a choice i made so long ago she wont be able to......i made the second hardest choice of my life this month i wrote a letter to the AM and told her just how painful her actions were and although i had quitly endured the pain for the last 5 years i could no longer, being let down time and time again was putting me into fits of depression that would last for days and i now had a child on my home that i had to do right by, so i placed the ball in my Jills hands..i told her she could call me whenever and that i woud leave it up to her to tell me if/when she wanted a visit,,,,the last visit i arranged was on the 20th of this month...sigh.....i really hope that i wont be forgotten or brushed aside and that she will want to continue a relationship with me.....being a BM is the hardest thing in the world and i tip my hats to you ladies for making that choice we really are the best mothers:) even if in our hearts we doubt it.

Brooke - posted on 07/17/2009

I used to write letters in a notebook for my Emily for that same reason. I also fear what my aunt has told her so If I was writing to her all along she would realize that I truly did love her. I found Emily on myspace, she is 12 now and shouldnt have one but she is sneaky. I send her messages but the replies are kindof awkward. I hope that changes as she gets older.

Ashley - posted on 05/14/2009

Quoting Claudia:

My husband and I also made the most difficult decision we have had to face yet. Almost 8 yrs ago we had a beautiful set of twins. About 6 months later I went to the doctors for a surgery, did the pre-op blood work and found out that I was pregnant again. Totally blown away, because I was on the pill at the time. Come to find out I was 5 months along. We were not rich or even well off...the finances of twins is huge...we were in a small 2 bedroom apt. and the twins were just starting to walk and crawl. I know I sound like the most horrible person in the world when I say this...but, its honestly how it was for us. We couldn't afford another baby at that exact moment...if we kept her then we face having to move as we would have violated the terms of our lease exceeding the # of people per room, and we just didn't have the money for that, no more money for the extra diapers, or anything else that comes along with a child...bed, clothes, time, patience. I just couldn't deal with twins(premie's) needs and demands on top of having to breast feed a new babyevery 2 hours. I knew the best thing for her was adoption. It was an open adoption, we chose her parents, and became good friends...however, emotionally I couldn't deal. So I and my husband distanced ourselves from them and dropped out of the picture. I didn't want to invade their space, and be the white elephant in the room. Easier to just quietly go away. We had other children after the adopition, but its always weighed heavily on me. How in the hell am I going to answer her when she asks why her and then have more? I can't answer it myself. Well we stayed out of the picture, and have gone on with our lives, relocated, and done well for ourselves and our children. And thanks to the magic of Facebook our Adopitive parents found us. I was elated to talk to them,and then I saw her picture, and I slammed into a brick wall. All I could do was cry. I know I gave these people the greatest gift of their lives, and she has had a wonderful life thus far. But seeing that picture...was wonderful, and so sad. All of my children and she know about each other. But they don't quite understand. I don't know if I can ever explain it to myself or them. I feel like I am just the most horrible person in the world...like I picked and chose my kids...but I didn't, and I know that, but when I try to explain it, it just comes out wrong. I quit talking about the adopition, because people can be cruel and very judgemental, and I don't think anyone is harder on themselves than the birth parents. And now this has brought back a tidal wave of emotions that I have buried deeply for the last 6 yrs..my twins and their sister (adopted) are only 363 days apart. I know my situtation was not like yours, but I understand your heartache, and somehow hope someone else understands how it is I am feeling. I guess I needed to get it out, so I thank you for your post. And I hope that others realize that birth parents are not always horrible people, but everyday people faced with the most heartwrenching decision that we carry around for the rest of our lives.

 

 

You know what? Your job as a parent is to do what is best for your family and your children and that was the situation! You could've decided to take your child's life via abortion but you chose to give that baby a chance at a life you at the time could not provide - yes it's a tough decision to have to make but that just proves that you love that baby because you did what was best for her!!

Claudia - posted on 03/27/2009

My husband and I also made the most difficult decision we have had to face yet. Almost 8 yrs ago we had a beautiful set of twins. About 6 months later I went to the doctors for a surgery, did the pre-op blood work and found out that I was pregnant again. Totally blown away, because I was on the pill at the time. Come to find out I was 5 months along. We were not rich or even well off...the finances of twins is huge...we were in a small 2 bedroom apt. and the twins were just starting to walk and crawl. I know I sound like the most horrible person in the world when I say this...but, its honestly how it was for us. We couldn't afford another baby at that exact moment...if we kept her then we face having to move as we would have violated the terms of our lease exceeding the # of people per room, and we just didn't have the money for that, no more money for the extra diapers, or anything else that comes along with a child...bed, clothes, time, patience. I just couldn't deal with twins(premie's) needs and demands on top of having to breast feed a new babyevery 2 hours. I knew the best thing for her was adoption. It was an open adoption, we chose her parents, and became good friends...however, emotionally I couldn't deal. So I and my husband distanced ourselves from them and dropped out of the picture. I didn't want to invade their space, and be the white elephant in the room. Easier to just quietly go away. We had other children after the adopition, but its always weighed heavily on me. How in the hell am I going to answer her when she asks why her and then have more? I can't answer it myself. Well we stayed out of the picture, and have gone on with our lives, relocated, and done well for ourselves and our children. And thanks to the magic of Facebook our Adopitive parents found us. I was elated to talk to them,and then I saw her picture, and I slammed into a brick wall. All I could do was cry. I know I gave these people the greatest gift of their lives, and she has had a wonderful life thus far. But seeing that picture...was wonderful, and so sad. All of my children and she know about each other. But they don't quite understand. I don't know if I can ever explain it to myself or them. I feel like I am just the most horrible person in the world...like I picked and chose my kids...but I didn't, and I know that, but when I try to explain it, it just comes out wrong. I quit talking about the adopition, because people can be cruel and very judgemental, and I don't think anyone is harder on themselves than the birth parents. And now this has brought back a tidal wave of emotions that I have buried deeply for the last 6 yrs..my twins and their sister (adopted) are only 363 days apart. I know my situtation was not like yours, but I understand your heartache, and somehow hope someone else understands how it is I am feeling. I guess I needed to get it out, so I thank you for your post. And I hope that others realize that birth parents are not always horrible people, but everyday people faced with the most heartwrenching decision that we carry around for the rest of our lives.

Leah - posted on 02/27/2009

I have a situation where I go through periods of not wanting to "interfere" with my childrens lives another part of me wants to rip them from their homes and take them all back.  To live with this pain, heartache, and all the joyous moments and happier times that go with them if we are in their lives; then it seems and I know that I have done the right thing.  I am more of a woman than most people could say about themselves.  I and all the other Moms have done and will continue to do so, is the most memorable and loving decsion that someone could make; We gave our children something that we couldn't whatever the reason(s), we gave them the ultimate gift!

I placed my two boys into the same family and I did it for a number of reasons; sometimes I feel like I am only seeing my second child is because I placed him in the same family that his older brother is in.  I know that that seems mean and cruel and for most, it probably is, but for me; that is what I feel.  Mason, my oldest was a little over a year old when I placed him for adoption.  His brother went straight from the hospital and was Mason was introduced after I had made the decision to place him.  I know that I love them very much and sometimes do not spend time with them, I haven't been steady in their lives. 
With this upcoming dinner with my boys and having my father tell me that he won't be there because he's uncomfortable hurts.  I understand where he's coming from because I go through with it too.  I invited them (my boys and their family) to their great-grandmother's birthday party in May!  It is her 95 birthday and you never know how long any of us will be here.  Now do I tell them not to come or just let them show up?  Maybe I could get away with saying that they found out somehow, cause a rift in my already messed up family or deal with whatever might happen?  I have grown up a whole heck of a lot, because I actually told my father how I felt and while it hurts, I understand completely about how he's feeling and everything.  I don't send them presents even though we have an open adoption with my guys.  I haven't been around faithfully and yet I love them more than anything in my life! 

I am sorry this is long, but I didn't know what else to do, I like to write....type.  LOL

Leah - posted on 02/17/2009

I feel your pain, and understand all too well the hardaches that we as birth moms can go through.  While I haven't had the state become a part of any of my 4 children, I do understand about cards and celebrating birthdays! 
Best wishes to you and your little girl!  Celebrate every day!